An Unsuitable Mother

by Sheelagh Kelly

  And oh dear, there it all was again: the heartache, the memories. Memories like bramble briars: you could cut them right back to earth, but a moment’s complacency, the merest drop of rain, and there they were again, re-emerging into a tangle to snag at one’s heart, to rip it open and leaving it bleeding.

  She put on a brave smile for the man and his son as they passed, then went on her way. Alone on the street again, head down, she almost collided with a youth who appeared from a snicket. She was offering an apology into the pimpled, agitated face when he snatched at her handbag. Startled, Nell held on to it, and a tug of war ensued. She felt an almighty wrenching pain in her shoulder – then fell to the ground as her attacker ran off, taking her bag with him.

  She had no idea who phoned the ambulance – did not even realise that her leg had been fractured until some very nice men came and, with some difficulty, it must be admitted, scooped her up and took her to hospital.

  ‘Thank God it wasn’t my hip,’ she joked to Nina from her bed on the ward, upon hearing the fracture might take up to two months to heal. ‘I suppose it’s lucky I’m so fat.’

  ‘Aye, well, you still won’t be able to manage at home for a while when you come out,’ said her concerned daughter, for in addition to the plaster on her leg, Nell’s wrenched shoulder was supported by a sling. ‘You’ll have to move in with me.’

  ‘You can’t even look after yourself!’ mocked Nell, which was a rather ungrateful thing to have said, so she added quickly, ‘No, I wouldn’t dream of being a nuisance to you, Neen – I’ll have a few weeks in a nursing home till I’m on my feet, I’ve got the money.’

  Nina looked relieved. ‘I’ll pay for it then,’ she said, and promptly went about finding a suitable home – preferably not the same one as Mary was in, begged her mother.

  Long before leaving hospital, though, Nell was taken by surprise and humbled to find out how popular she was, attracting a stream of cards and flowers, and visitors too. Amongst them was a good-looking policeman, who arrived at the same time as Nina was visiting and took a statement. He explained that her assailant had probably been a drug addict. Her bag had been recovered, though there was no money in it of course. Nell had had the presence of mind to carry her keys in her pocket, so at least she would not be going home to a ransacked house.

  ‘I suppose a lot of crime’s committed by people on drugs,’ she hazarded a guess to the constable, who looked far too young for one so cynical.

  ‘Yes, it could so easily be solved, love,’ he replied succinctly. ‘If only they’d let us shoot them.’

  Nina liked him. But, as every other man before him, she let him go.

  It didn’t take long for Nell to discover she didn’t actually like being in the nursing home. As a matter of fact, she had disliked being in hospital too, and had been shocked at the way the nurses stood around gossiping. In the old days they would have been given an ear-bashing had Sister caught them – but the modern Sister was to be seen gossiping with them. It made Nell mad to think of the exhaustive work she herself had done, all that scouring of bedpans – which were disposable today, that was if anyone cared to come and dispose of them. Still, they had all been lovely to her, as were the staff here in the nursing home, all except the night attendant.

  Bluto, Nell called her in private. She wasn’t just rough, she was neglectful too, not caring that some of the older residents were slow eaters, hurrying them along in quite a brusque fashion, and making no effort to help them with their breakfasts. The more senile ones were given mush, which was placed so far out of reach that it was never touched. Thinking at first that this was an oversight, Nell had called out to Bluto, but had received only a telling look. Then, of course, she knew it was sheer laziness, and that made her angry. She vowed that, once able to walk, she would help the poor old souls herself.

  And this is what she was finally to do. It was as she was limping round the beds by aid of a crutch, putting the bowls of breakfast within reach of those who could eat by themselves, and helping to feed those who could not, that she came across someone she knew. There was a complete lack of recognition on Sister Pike’s face, and it was only after being in her company for days that Nell actually recognised her. To say she was a shadow of her former self was to overstate the matter: she was too senile even to focus. How could this fragment of humanity be the one who had instilled terror into her nurses? How far the mighty had fallen. Any residue of hatred evaporated there and then. Nell picked up the bowl and spoon-fed her, neither expecting, nor receiving, thanks.

  Later, when the bowls were snatched up by the neglectful Bluto, Nell considered telling her off. Deciding it would be useless, instead she took her complaint to those in authority. It did not go down well with Bluto, though Nell was glad to see it had made her more attentive to her charges. Now that her plaster had been removed, she herself was looking forward to having a soak, and was that evening helped down to the bathroom by a friendly young nursing attendant. There were no locks on the door, but at her age Nell didn’t care if anyone walked in. It wasn’t a very luxurious bath, but she was enjoying it anyway, when the door opened a crack, then a hand darted in and turned the light off. Plunged into darkness, Nell thought perhaps they had assumed the bathroom to be empty, and she called out, ‘Hello! Can you turn the light on please?’

  She thought she heard sniggering outside. Why, someone had done it on purpose to frighten her! Then, in the next instant, she heard the rustle of clothing as that someone moved quickly through the dark and threw a pail of cold water over her, causing her to scream in shock and outrage – then they slammed the door and left her alone in the dark.

  Heart thumping, Nell sat there for a moment, drenched and shivering. Then, with great difficulty, she managed to grope her way from the bath and turn on the light.

  There was not much she could do but dry herself, put on her dressing gown, and retire to her bed. But she didn’t sleep at all, fearing what else might be done to her.

  She didn’t tell Nina. She knew that she ought to, if only for the sake of the others. It was just that she felt she might cry if she said anything about it to anyone. That a nurse could be so deliberately malevolent …

  Nina could tell, of course, that something was wrong. But, accepting the explanation that her mother was just a bit nervous of living alone since the attack, without further ado she insisted that Nell move into the annex when she came home.

  ‘If you go back there, I’ll never rest for worrying about you.’ Which were exactly the right words to persuade her mother into leaving the house in which she had lived for forty years.

  What might have been a difficult transition was greatly eased by the birth of a great-grandchild, Romy delivering the baby boy who was to restore Nell’s sense of purpose and her zest for life. And now that she had finally let go of her obsession of finding William, she realised perhaps the true meaning behind that sign she had been given all those decades ago, when Bill’s watch had miraculously started to tick again in answer to her desperate plea: not that she would hold their own son, but that she would have another little boy to replace the one she had lost, to refill her empty arms. Joe would have been so proud that they had given the baby his name – and pleased to see how happy and contented was his wife, at being so close at hand to their daughter.

  Nell had a great deal for which to be thankful. But, aware that Nina’s pleasure might not be as great as her own, she was very sensitive to the author’s need for peace and quiet, and tried to minimise the amount of times she interrupted her. There were days, though, when it was just too tantalising to stand on ceremony; when, feeling lonely, in the middle of an afternoon, Nell would wander into Nina’s kitchen in the hope of her dear daughter’s company. Sometimes she would be lucky, others not. Today, her only greeting was to be the tapping of keys from the room designated a study.

  She moved around for a while, hoping that Nina would hear her and break off to chat for half an hour. But when this failed, ‘I won’t interrup
t you!’ she called, hoping her daughter would take the hint and break off. ‘I’ve just come for my bills. Are these mine on the kitchen table?’ A pile of statements lay there.

  Obviously having one of her out-of-body experiences, Nina made a vague reply. There was a pause, then the one in the study was to hear: ‘My God! How can it be three hundred pounds? I never ring anyone!’

  Nell was still fulminating over the bill when an annoyed face appeared from the study. ‘That’s mine, you soft bugger!’ Nina’s pique was due to both the interruption and the unearthing of her secret. ‘Yours are those unopened ones.’

  ‘Thank goodness!’ Nell heaved in relief, but was soon exclaiming again over her daughter’s extravagance. ‘But how do you manage to run up such a massive amount What’s this, Austral—?’

  ‘Stop nebbing!’ A frustrated Nina came to snatch the bill from her mother’s hand and shoved it out of sight. ‘Just worry about your own!’

  ‘Sorry …’ Realising she had disturbed the author’s thought process, Nell took the bundle that was thrust at her. ‘Shall I go away?’

  Her daughter gave a sigh. ‘No, you might as well stay and have a cup of coffee now.’

  ‘I’ll make it!’ said Nell. ‘Earn my keep.’

  But when they sat down at the table to drink the coffee, she could no longer withhold her curiosity. ‘Can I ask a cheeky question?’

  ‘Will it make a difference if I say no?’ Nina regarded her obliquely, then gave a half-amused snort. ‘You want to know who I’ve been phoning in Oz – I’m sorry, it’s nothing to do with William.’

  ‘Oh, I didn’t imagine it would be!’ There was an entirely different reason for Nell’s keenness to know. ‘Is it Shane?’

  As Nina caved in with a nod, her mother thumped the table in pleasure. ‘I knew it!’ Oh what joy to hear of Shane’s persistence, of his insight in recognising the warm and sensitive person beneath that layer of shagreen.

  Nell’s victim looked self-conscious. ‘Anyone would think I’m a teenager instead of pushing fifty!’

  ‘Well, you’ll always be a little girl to your mother – ooh, come on, tell me all about him!’

  And Nina was happy to do just that. She talked and talked for the rest of the afternoon. They had been writing to each other since that first exploratory move of Shane’s. The one in which he had risked being exposed to ridicule by confessing to have inexplicably fallen in love with a woman he barely knew, who had treated him quite rudely on the few occasions they had met and shown no inclination that the attraction was mutual, but he could not help his feelings nevertheless. Embarrassed, flattered, cautious, touched, Nina had then reached the mammoth decision to reply, and from then, with the subsequent opening of Shane’s heart and hers, a deep affection had grown. It wasn’t a huge kind of passion – Nina had only experienced that once in her life, for Romy – but she had grown to love him all the same. Like I did your father, thought Nell, but continued to listen in rapt silence, for rarely had her daughter voiced such emotional candour.

  Then the letters had not been enough, continued Nina, taking anything up to ten days to arrive, and recently they had taken to communicating by phone. But apparently that was still insufficient, so, ‘I’ve said I’ll go out there and see him.’

  Nell almost swooned with joy. ‘My, you’ve really fallen for him, haven’t you?’

  Nina gave an embarrassed chuckle, and though she did not reply, her eyes betrayed her inner feelings. And then Nell’s joy began to crumple around the edges, for all of a sudden she faced the awful possibility of losing another child to Australia. ‘You’re not … going for good, are you?’

  ‘As if I’d leave you, and Romy and Joe! You’re always jumping the flaming gun,’ Nina laughed, and poured herself more coffee. ‘I couldn’t even if I wanted to, you have to apply for a permanent residency visa first.’

  But this told Nell that she had investigated the possibility of emigrating. It was difficult to say – an utter sacrifice – but nevertheless, she must: ‘Neen, you don’t have to worry about upsetting me, if you want to go and live there – I know what you told me, but your eyes say different.’ She wore a brave smile, but inside she was pleading, Please don’t leave me, Neen! I’ll wither and die without you. But her mouth said, ‘Don’t leave it too late, grab it while you can.’

  ‘You’re determined to get rid of me, aren’t you?’ came the flippant laugh.

  ‘I certainly am not! I’m just so glad you’ve found somebody. I’d prefer it if Shane were to come and live here, but –’

  ‘Whoa! Don’t marry me off yet, I’m only going to spend some time with him, see if we get on any better than before.’

  ‘You know well enough already how you get on!’ Nell reached across the table to give her a sly prod. Despite the cost to herself, it was what she had always wanted, that Nina would find a man who loved and desired her. ‘And, what’s more, your daughter likes him too.’

  ‘Oh, and she’s such a good judge of character – not.’ But Nina’s acerbic remark soon gave way to a revealing laugh. ‘All right, he’s bloody lovely when you get to know him.’ Her mother had never seen her so radiant. ‘But I meant it about not staying over there.’ She gave the old hand a reassuring squeeze. ‘Honestly, don’t lose any sleep, Mam – if you don’t believe me, you can come along if you like, have another bash at finding William.’

  ‘Whilst you’re doing your courting – I think not!’ Then Nell chuckled quietly and said, ‘No, even if your offer’s genuine I really couldn’t face it again, Neen. It’s a nightmare trip, and, as I’ve said, I’ve done with all that. I’m content with the family I have. You go and have a lovely time. I’m thrilled to bits for you, I truly am.’ And again she denied the depth of her loss by quipping, ‘There’ll be plenty for me to do here.’

  ‘I’m not sure I like the sound of that!’ retorted Nina. ‘Don’t attempt any decorating or move the furniture round. I’ll get Romy to call you every day to check you’re up and about.’

  ‘I don’t need babying! Once a week will be ample – it’ll be great if she and Patrick bring Joe to see me whilst you’re away, though.’

  * * *

  Romy was to do better than this. Following her mother’s departure for a six-week stint in Queensland, she, Patrick and baby Joe were to move into the vacated house. Patrick could easily commute, she told her grandmother, and it was a holiday for them, being a much nicer place than their own.

  ‘I feel as if I’ve won the lottery,’ Nell declared. ‘A whole six weeks of this little chap – oh, won’t your granny be jealous!’ She kissed and cuddled the happy blue-eyed baby on her lap.

  Romy said, ‘Well, I’ve promised to give her regular updates by email.’

  ‘Oh don’t flummox me with all your technology stuff,’ pleaded her grandmother, making the young couple laugh. ‘I can’t even set the video, Patrick!’ She liked to include him in her conversation, not because Romy loved him, but because he was so kind and considerate to her personally, and amusing too. ‘It doesn’t seem five minutes ago that we thought a washing machine was something out of Dan Dare – and now they’ve developed a system that lets you send a letter in seconds to anywhere in the world! Honestly, if your grandad were to come back now he’d think he’d woken up in a science-fiction film. It’s all wasted on me. I agree it’s marvellous, though, for the young ones.’

  Romy laughed. ‘Wait till you hear this, Nana. While I was on the Internet I found all these Australian immigration records –’

  ‘Oh don’t, you make me feel dizzy,’ began Nell. Then, when it was explained to her fully, she was to laugh at the irony of it. ‘Do you mean to say, they’re those same records that your poor mother spent thousands of pounds taking us to have a look at?’

  ‘Yes – if she’d waited a few years we could have accessed them from our armchairs!’

  ‘Ah, but then she’d never have met Shane,’ said Nell, and they discussed again how pleased they all were at the serendipitous affair
.

  ‘God certainly does move in mysterious ways.’ The grandmother’s smile turned a little sad. ‘I don’t know why He wouldn’t let me find William – anyway, let’s not get maudlin! We’ve got this little chap to cherish. Oh, he’s loved!’ And she planted a series of hearty kisses on the baby.

  Permitted to have such access to him for the entire six weeks, Nell was on cloud nine again, and it was additionally refreshing to have young company in Romy and Patrick, her granddaughter far more generous with her time than Nina. And in donating it she happened to mention that she had recently come across an organisation set up to reunite those mothers who had had their babies or children taken away.

  ‘They won’t tell you anything,’ explained Romy, ‘but you can put your name down and say you’re willing to be contacted.’

  Willing? thought Nell. It’s my heart’s desire. But she said chirpily, ‘Why not? It can’t harm. How do I do it? It’s not that blinking Internet, is it?’

  Romy laughed. ‘You’d have so much fun if you learned how to work a computer! The obscure subjects I’ve found – oh, don’t get your knickers in a twist, Nan, I’ll do it for you. Shall I put my mobile-phone number down as the one to contact?’

  ‘Yes, if you like,’ Nell was saying, when at that same time Patrick came home and she made herself scarce, so as to give the young parents some privacy. ‘Speaking of which, your mother promised to ring me tonight, so I shall have to love you and leave you!’ And off she went next door to her own little flat.