The Loudest Silence: A Post-Apocalyptic Zombie Novel (Oklahoma Wastelands Book 1)

by Kate L. Mary

  Jasper chuckled. “Sure.”

  I gave him a quick kiss on the cheek before getting to my feet. “I’m going to find Harper and let her know.”

  “Before you talk to Kellan?” Jasper asked, grinning.

  I waved my hand as if swatting his words away. “We have the rest of our lives to argue about it.”

  Jasper chuckled quietly as I walked away.

  Unfortunately, I ran into Kellan before I could locate Harper. He was on his way up when I went down, and we met on the second level. Since this floor was so rarely used, the hall was dark and silent, and it felt oddly intimate with only the two of us standing there.

  “Have you seen Harper?” I asked when I stopped in front of him.

  Kellan’s gaze moved over my face the way it usually did. It was a look I could never quite interpret, and even now that I was certain he had feelings for me, it was hard to pinpoint. It was almost like he was trying to make sure I was okay or memorizing my face for later.

  “With Emma,” he said. “What’s up?”

  I hesitated, but decided treating Kellan like he was a Band-Aid was the best approach. “Jasper and I decided there was no point in locking her up anymore, so she’s going to move into the extra room in my condo.”

  Kellan stiffened. “What? Are you nuts?”

  “She’s not a threat, Kellan. What are you worried about?”

  “Are you serious? I’m worried about her slitting your throat. No way.”

  He reached for me, but I dodged his grasp.

  “She’s seventeen and scared, and we’re treating her like a criminal,” I said. “I’m not doing it anymore. Plus, Jasper agrees with me.”

  Kellan’s scowl was intended to make me shrink away. Too bad for him, I was used to it.

  “She’s staying with me. The end.” I pushed past him and headed for the stairs. “Isn’t it your turn to take watch?”

  “This isn’t the end of this,” he called after me.

  “Yes, it is, because I’m done talking about it.”

  I hurried off before he could say anything else.

  When Kellan said it wasn’t the end, I’d thought he was planning to argue more, but he proved me wrong when he showed up at my door that night just as I was about to turn in.

  He pushed past me the second I had the door open and stalked inside.

  “Come in,” I muttered, waving for him to enter.

  “I plan to.” He didn’t look at me as he charged across the room and plopped down on the couch. Once he was there, he looked toward the hallway and swore, and then got up.

  When he headed toward the hall, I’d had enough.

  “What are you doing?” I called after him.

  “Moving in. At least until I know I can trust her.”

  I charged after him. He had to be kidding. “What?”

  Harper came out of her room and stood in the doorway, watching us. Kellan didn’t acknowledge her.

  I waved for her to go back inside. “It’s okay. He’s just being overprotective.”

  When he ducked into my room, my stomach dropped, and I froze. He was joking, right? He wasn’t planning on sleeping in my room with me, was he?

  Harper didn’t move, and she looked suddenly terrified, but I had bigger things to worry about as I hurried into the bedroom.

  Kellan was pulling the covers back. “You can stay up if you want, but I’m tired.”

  He didn’t look my way as he kicked his shoes off, or when he undid his pants. They fell to the floor, and he ripped his shirt over his head, leaving him in nothing but boxers. Then he climbed into my bed.

  “What the hell are you doing?” I asked in a squeaky voice.

  Kellan finally looked at me. “I told you, I’m moving in. I was going to sleep on the couch, but then I realized she could come in here, and I’d never know it. Everyone else has their doors locked, which only leaves you vulnerable.” He paused and looked toward the open bedroom door. “Shut the door and make sure it’s locked.”

  “Kellan—” The words died on my lips. I couldn’t sleep in the same bed with him. I couldn’t.

  He sat up and the blanket fell down, leaving his impressively muscular chest on display and making me even more certain I could not crawl into bed with him without losing my mind.

  “I need this, Regan.”

  The begging in his voice drew my attention from his chest, and the desperation and sadness in his eyes had me moving.

  When was the last time I’d seen him look this vulnerable? Three years ago. That was when. After most of our family had been slaughtered, and he’d woken to find a crazy woman standing over him with a bloody knife. For a week after that, he’d looked broken. Like a shell of himself. That was the man in front of me now. The one who’d had to wrestle a woman to the ground to save his own life, only to find out he hadn’t been able to save the others.

  “Kellan,” I whispered as I slid into the bed next to him, “it’s okay.”

  “That’s why I’m here,” he said. “So I can make sure it stays that way. I can’t go through that again. I can’t—” His voice broke, and he looked away.

  “Hey.” I scooted closer and wrapped my arms around him. “It’s okay. I get it. You can sleep here, and I won’t argue. I promise.”

  He moved like he was going to hug me, but then he pulled back instead. His brown eyes held mine for a moment before flitting away. When he scooted back, putting more space between us, I tried not to be hurt. It wasn’t easy.

  “Do you want me to leave the light on?” He didn’t look at me.

  “No,” I whispered. “I’m tired, too.”

  I was still dressed, and I had to crawl out of bed to get my pants off. I kept my shirt on, and when I turned to face the bed, Kellan was staring at me. Neither of us moved or said a word. Hell, I wasn’t even sure I was breathing. For a second, we were lost in each other’s gaze, and it felt as if the oxygen had been sucked out of the room.

  I was the first to look away, breaking the hold he had on me.

  Kellan flipped off the light on his bedside table before settling back down, and I crawled into bed at his side. Before trying to get comfortable, something I was positive I wouldn’t be able to do, I reached over and flicked off my own bedside lamp.

  The bed was a king, but it had never felt so small. I could feel every move Kellan made, could feel his warmth and hear every breath he let out. My back was to him, and I knew I needed to keep it that way or I would lose control, but I also found myself wondering what he would do if I tried to take that step. I knew why he was holding back, but the fact that we both wanted it so badly was obvious. Would he be able to resist? Kellan had more self-control than anyone I had ever met, but even he had to have a breaking point. Only I had no idea what it was.

  14

  “It’s been weeks, and we haven’t seen a thing,” Kellan was saying when I walked into the common room. “I think it’s safe to head out.”

  Jasper sat on the chair in front of him, rubbing the knuckles of his left hand the way he’d been doing more and more recently. “And I take it you’re the one who wants to go out?”

  “We need supplies.”

  “That’s not an answer,” Jasper snapped.

  “I want to go,” Kellan said, not the least bit fazed by the older man’s tone.

  I hurried toward them. “Me, too.”

  Kellan shook his head without even looking my way.

  He’d been avoiding my gaze more and more since he started sleeping in my bed, and it was infuriating. Three weeks of us sleeping side by side, and he hadn’t returned to his condo, yet during the day he acted like he could hardly look at me. I knew, just as well as he did, that he could have gone back to his own place days ago, and yet he hadn’t. Not that I was asking him to leave.

  “No,” he said. “Not happening.”

  “Why do you have to be such a controlling asshole all the time?” I muttered.

  Jasper rolled his eyes and muttered something under his breath
that sounded a lot like too many hormones in this damn shelter.

  Kellan shot him a look, but before he was able to say anything, Jasper had his hand up. “There’s no reason for Regan to stay behind if she wants to go.”

  “How about the fact that it’s safer for her here?” Kellan fired back.

  “That can be said of anybody, and you damn well know it.” Jasper hauled himself out of his chair, groaning from the effort. “You two go, but I want you to take Blake with you. I want the extra set of eyes out there, and Lord knows he could use some time away.”

  Kellan exhaled but nodded his assent—still not looking at me. “I can live with that.”

  “Good.” Jasper limped forward a few steps before bending down to rub his knee. “I feel like I’m damn close to falling apart these days.”

  I went to him. “What’s wrong with your knee?”

  “Just age, darlin’. There ain’t nothing anybody but God can do about it as this point.” He waved me off. “You two find Blake and let the others know what’s going on so you can head out. I want you in town before it gets dark. Just ‘cause we haven’t seen anybody doesn’t mean they ain’t out there, and the last thing you need to do is make yourself vulnerable.”

  “Blake’s up in the control room, I think,” I said.

  Jasper exhaled. “Go pack. I’ll head up there to get him and take a turn on lookout.”

  “You sure?” Kellan asked.

  “I’m not useless yet. My body may be falling apart, but there’s nothing wrong with my brain or my eyes.” Jasper snorted before turning away from Kellan, mumbling under his breath as he headed for the stairs.

  Kellan was still standing in the middle of the room watching Jasper hobble away when I headed down, taking the steps two at once in my hurry to get to my room. As filthy and depressing as the outside world was most of the time, I was dying to get out of here. I hadn’t made nearly as many runs to the settlement as the others, but I’d never spent this much time cooped up before. We were always going out to hunt or fish, or even search for any supplies that might have been abandoned. The zombies were a threat, but the rocky terrain that made up this area of Oklahoma made traveling to certain areas difficult for them, which meant my family had never hesitated to take me out, even if I was the baby.

  I made it to my condo in record time, and the second I slammed the door shut I got to work stripping down. It was time to break out the dirty, worn clothes I usually wore to Altus. I froze when I heard footsteps in the hallway, waiting for Kellan to come charging in so he could do his best to talk me out of going. They stopped outside my door, but only for a moment before moving on. I almost laughed. It looked like Kellan had finally decided arguing with me was pointless.

  “Only one room open.” Daisy Mae’s narrowed eyes darted my way like she remembered me. “Two beds.”

  “We’ll make it work,” Kellan said.

  He flashed her a grin that would disarm most people, but the cranky woman behind the desk didn’t bat an eye when she slammed a key down on the counter in front of her. Kellan scooped it up and headed for the stairs without another word, which wasn’t like him. He was usually persistent when it came to trying to charm people.

  I followed him, with Blake taking up the rear. The lost puppy dog expression he’d been wearing for the last couple weeks was gone, but I couldn’t read this new one. He looked… Hopeful, maybe? Definitely happier than he’d been in almost a year.

  The room Kellan led us to was different than the last one we’d stayed in. Thankfully. This one had a window, so there was at least minor ventilation, and it also meant we didn’t have to light the lantern right away. There was a little more space between the beds, too, meaning adding one extra person wasn’t impossible, assuming someone didn’t mind sleeping on the floor. Or, if Blake got lucky, maybe Chelsea could cheer him up even more tonight, and two beds would be enough. As long as Blake was the one accompanying her home and not Kellan, I was okay.

  I tossed my stuff on a bed before the door was even shut, and Blake did the same with the other one.

  “It’s going to be tight,” Blake said, his gaze moving back and forth between the two tiny beds. “One of us will have to find somewhere else to crash. We’ll make a competition out of it. First one to get invited back to a chick’s place wins.”

  He grinned, his gaze focused on Kellan as if the thought that I might be able to find someone to crash with hadn’t even occurred to him.

  The idea of Kellan sleeping in anyone’s bed but mine had my back stiffening, and I shot Blake a glare that he intentionally ignored. Everyone knew Kellan had started crashing in my condo when Harper moved in, but no one had brought it up. I’d been wondering what they were thinking, and the fact that Blake assumed Kellan was here to have a little fun told me that he thought it was nothing.

  When Blake turned to dig through his bag, I switched my gaze to Kellan. He was watching me, but instead of telling Blake he could have the honor of king manwhore, Kellan only chuckled.

  “Who’s to say I won’t be the winner?” I snapped when anger surged through me. “I could be the first one to get invited back to someone’s place.”

  Kellan’s chuckle died away in a sound that made it seem like he was being strangled, and he narrowed his eyes on me. “Absolutely not.”

  “So you guys can whore it up as much as you want, but I have to stay a virgin forever? Are you kidding me?” I shook my head so hard my ponytail swished across my shoulders. “That’s bullshit, Kellan.”

  He pressed his lips together and glared at me for a moment before saying, “You can’t trust men. I’m only looking out for you.”

  I wanted to hit him. That was all he had to say to me after three weeks of sleeping at my side?

  “Shit,” Blake muttered. “If I wanted to listen to two people going at it, I would have stayed home.” He ripped his bag up off the bed he’d just tossed it on and turned toward the door. “I need a drink before I go insane.”

  I started to head after him, but Kellan stepped in front of me. “I’m not trying to keep you a virgin forever, Regan.” His Adam’s apple bobbed like he had a difficult time getting the words out. “I’m only trying to keep you safe.”

  “It’s such bullshit that you guys can screw someone you hardly know, but I can’t. You have to know that.”

  “I’m not planning on screwing anyone,” he said quietly. “I swear.”

  The expression in his eyes melted my anger. Not because he was promising not to screw someone in Altus, but because he said he wasn’t planning on screwing anyone, which I assumed included me.

  I looked away before he could see the hurt surging through me. “Let’s get a drink.”

  The bar was as busy as usual. In a little settlement like this, entertainment was difficult to come by, but making moonshine was cheap. And nine years into an apocalypse, people were always looking for an escape.

  Blake was at the bar when Kellan and I walked in. At his side, Chelsea stood laughing, her ample chest shoved out in front of her. I stopped when I saw her, remembering the last time Kellan and I were here and how she had fawned all over him. It hadn’t been easy to watch then, but now, after weeks of feeling almost like we were in a relationship, it would be impossible.

  Kellan’s hand brushed my lower back, drawing my attention from Blake and Chelsea. “Don’t drink too much tonight, okay?”

  I hated it when he bossed me around, but I couldn’t be angry when I saw the concern in his eyes. Kellan was a control freak, but he hadn’t been lying when he said he wanted to protect me.

  “I won’t,” I said, and then forced out a grin. “I learned my lesson.”

  He returned the smile, visibly relaxing at my peace offering. “Although you were awfully cute that night.”

  I rolled my eyes and grabbed his hand, pulling him through the crowd. “Let’s get dinner.”

  Chelsea’s determination to get Kellan’s attention waned after fifteen minutes of him ignoring her, and she refoc
used her efforts on Blake, who was more than happy to accept her attention. He was drunk in no time. Kellan had worked out a trade for our food and drinks, and since my stomach still hadn’t recovered from the memory of my last drinking binge, Blake had claimed my glass within seconds of finishing his. Kellan was drinking slowly, too focused on trying to get information out of the other bar patrons, which left his extra glass up for grabs as well. So, while Kellan and I probed the people of Altus for any news about the men Harper had escaped from, Blake got wasted.

  So wasted that Chelsea gave up on him before long. Something he barely seemed to notice at that point. When his last glass was empty and Kellan decided it was time to go, Blake was in the middle of trying to negotiate for more drinks, which got him nowhere since Kellan had already told the owner to cut Blake off.

  Kellan and I had to work together to drag him back to the room, which was no easy feat considering we had to go up a flight of narrow, rickety stairs.

  “You’re losing weight after this,” Kellan muttered as we trudged up the stairs.

  “What’s the point?” Blake muttered. “Emma has Cade now, and the zombies have eaten the whole rest of the fucking world. There’s nobody left for me.”

  We made it to the room, and I shoved the door open. Since all three of us couldn’t fit through the door, Kellan took over dragging Blake inside while I got to work lighting the lantern.

  “That’s not true,” I said between gasps. “We found Harper. There are bound to be other women out there.”

  “No. They’re gone.” Kellan shoved Blake toward the bed, and he plopped face down on the mattress. When he spoke again, his words were muffled. “Gone just like donuts and ice cream.”

  “You been missing donuts?” Kellan muttered, shaking his head as he shot me a grin.

  I shoved the door shut behind me. “Oh, man. Remember Ye Old Donut Shoppe? Those were freaking amazing.”

  “Happy Donuts.” Kellan dropped onto the bed I had claimed earlier. “We were a Happy Donuts family.”

  “Don’t be stupid.” I plopped down next to him. “Everyone knows Ye Old Donuts were better.”