A Bombing Enigma

by Angelika Lansdale

  Abaan is very different from them. His English is very good. There is a slight accent but I can understand him without any problems. He is also open-minded and does not care that I am white or that I am not a Muslim. That is why we get along so well.

  July 10th, 2010

  I accompanied Abaan to London to visit his sister and brother-in-law, Fatima and Amir, last weekend. They live in a small apartment and work at a nearby factory. They are affectionate people and made me feel very welcome in their home. Their only child had succumbed to his injuries after a bomb exploded in his school, just before they left Iraq. Their tragic loss was all for what? It was such a senseless war waged by the US and its allies. I feel their sorrow and their grief. Nothing is worse than losing your child. There must be so many others like them who also lost their loved ones.

  In spite of everything they have suffered, they are both devout and honorable. Fatima told me how difficult it was to persuade Abaan to accompany them, when they decided to leave Iraq. Abaan had wanted to join the resistance. I am so thankful that he did not and instead is here in England.

  Jan 1st, 2011

  Things are all going well. I celebrated New Year’s Eve with Abaan and a few of his Arab friends. I am still working for the same family. It has been more than four years. I also accompany Abaan on all his visits to his sister. They treat me like an extended member of the family. I am very fortunate.

  July 15th, 2011

  I bumped into Ruth today. She was in the same school as me in York and had always been friendly. I was coming out of the library when she spotted me. She had come from York to pick up some surveys at an office next to the library. After talking for a few minutes, she suggested we get a bite to eat. I was actually on my way to Abaan’s for dinner. He was cooking. I told Ruth I was going to a friend’s house for an authentic Arabian meal. She looked disappointed. Then I do not know what came over me but I invited her to join us. She was initially reluctant but I insisted on her coming along. I told her that he was a very dear friend and I would be honored to introduce the two of them to each other. She finally accepted.

  Abaan was quite surprised to see Ruth at his doorstep but was very chivalrous about it. He and Ruth really hit it off. She was totally charmed by him, he has such a personality. Dinner was delicious and we three conversed until late. It turned out to be an entertaining evening.

  Aug 10th, 2011

  Ruth, Abaan and I get together frequently. The chemistry between them is evident. I feel they will start dating soon. Maybe I should never have introduced them. I feel a bit jealous.

  Sep 15th, 2011

  I was right. They are now dating and dating pretty seriously. Their relationship does not interfere with Abaan and me. He is still as good a friend. We meet with the same frequency. But I am not happy. I resent their rapport. It is strange. I do not understand my envy, but it is there, festering.

  Ruth’s confession about Abaan had all been true. This corroborated her story. Cynara was puzzled by Jimmy’s possessiveness. It was a little abnormal. She turned the page to the next entry in the diary.

  Nov 3rd, 2011

  Ruth and Abaan have been dating for almost three months. When will it end? Or will they take their association to the next level?

  Nov 5th, 2011

  I admit it, I love Abaan. Yes, I love him. I definitely know. But, I can never tell him. He will not accept it. This is something I have to keep buried inside me. If he decides to marry Ruth, I will have to deal with it. There is no other way.

  Jimmy was gay. Cynara realized the stark truth. Yes, it was glaringly obvious. That is why his friendship with Abaan was so priceless to him. It was love, unrequited, but love nevertheless. Poor Jimmy!

  Nov 13th, 2011

  Things changed between Abaan and Ruth yesterday. It was a lovely Saturday afternoon. The three of us went to the park for a picnic. We took some sandwiches with us. There were two white punks loitering close to where we sat. They started passing crude comments about us, two Caucasians keeping company with an Arab, a terrorist. We ignored them. Then they started on the racial slurs, towel head, sand nigger, etc. Abaan finally stood up. I knew from his face what he was going to do. Ruth tried to stop him. She wanted us to leave. Abaan refused. I quickly ran to his side and helped where I could.

  It was violent. Those bastards will never fight an Arab again. They got what they deserved. Abaan has also been injured. They slashed one side of his face. It is a deep gash. He refused to go to a hospital or to call the police. We took him back to his apartment where he cleaned his wounds and took a painkiller.

  Ruth is upset, very upset. She does not understand why Abaan had to retaliate.

  Dec 1st, 2011

  Ruth called me today. She has broken her relationship with Abaan. I had seen it coming. The fight in the park freaked her out. She had not witnessed such violence before. Things have been quite strained between them since that afternoon. She feels frightened of Abaan’s temper. What if it is ever aimed at her? I did not try to change her mind. She requested that I should never mention her affair with Abaan to anyone. Her family does not know and there is no point in their finding out now. I promised.

  She was hasty in judging Abaan and I should have attempted to counsel her. Instead, I just listened quietly. There is no need to lie to myself. I am glad it is over.

  Chapter 18

  Cynara closed the diary. Ruth broke off the relationship after she witnessed such raw violence. It must have been a harrowing experience. Cynara could understand her decision to sever her ties with Abaan. She could also commiserate with Jimmy’s feelings. His one-sided love must have been agonizing. Cynara also felt glad they had ended their affair, even though she knew Jimmy’s love would never have been reciprocated. She walked into the kitchen and made herself a sandwich and another cup of tea. Then she sat down to eat at the dining table and continued to read.

  Feb 8th, 2012

  I have started taking self-defense classes and joined a gym for muscle toning. This world is full of crazies and I want to be able to defend my friends and myself if the need ever arises.

  Abaan has recovered from his breakup with Ruth. He was dejected the first couple of weeks. Then he bounced back.

  Life is good and I have no complaints. I have a companion. My job is going smoothly. I do not need anything else.

  Sep 7th, 2012

  There were some racial riots here on the third. It was bad. Police had some areas under curfew. They arrested Abaan today thinking he was involved. He was not. Just because he is an Arab Muslim, they are thinking the worst. I am distraught and called Fatima this afternoon. She is extremely worried. They will come tomorrow. Hope we can get him out.

  Oct 15th, 2012

  Everything has changed. My happiness was not meant to last.

  Fatima and Amir came from London but the authorities were unwilling to listen. They can now hold anyone they want in custody, some new national security strategy. It is a blatant misuse of power, but no one is questioning. They detained Abaan for interrogation for three weeks before finally realizing that he had been telling the truth. I do not even want to think what that interrogation entailed. By the time they released him, he was damaged.

  It has been a nightmare. He has withdrawn into himself and is spending a lot of time at the Mosque. We still meet but not so frequently. He is always busy either at the Mosque or with some Muslim men I have not met before. They are quite antagonistic towards me and always leave immediately whenever I visit and chance upon them. Abaan does not make any excuses for them. He tells me they are fellow Arabs, from either Syria or Iraq, who were also falsely accused by the police. They always speak in Arabic, even in my presence.

  Nov 11th, 2012

  Abaan is gone. I am so upset, miserable, dejected, and all the other synonyms in the world.

  I knew Abaan had been traumatized by his experience with the police. But I did not understand the magnitude of that trauma until it was too late to stop him. He called me over
to his apartment yesterday and told me he is leaving England and moving to Syria. He has finally found a purpose in his life and is going to join his fellow kin in their fight for an Islamic state. After his treatment at the hands of the police, all he feels is pure hatred for England. He needs to leave and this cause has provided him with a meaningful escape.

  Abaan has sold his shop to a cousin and has wrapped up all his affairs here. This is what kept him busy over the past month. I never realized.

  I did not want to let him go and tried reasoning with him, but it was pointless. He was determined and I was unable to change his mind. If I could have, I would have put a gun to his head and stopped him. Unfortunately, I did not have a gun. Instead, today, I took him to the train station. He left for London and will stay with his sister before flying out of the country. I watched the train leave with a heavy heart. It is the hardest thing I have ever done. I am crushed.

  Nov 16th, 2012

  It has been five days since Abaan left. He is in London and will be departing soon. I call him every day and try to dissuade him in his plans. Sadly, he is immovable. I think about joining him. However, his fellow Muslims will not accept me. They have always viewed me suspiciously and I do not want to hold Abaan back in achieving what he is seeking. Though disconsolate, I just have to accept his departure and bid him goodbye. He has promised to keep in touch with me and call me or email me if and when possible. I am not certain that will happen. Probably, I will never hear from him again. I have to accept this reality even though it is so tough.

  I still remember the first time I met him, on a beautiful spring day. And the last time I met him, on the 11th, was a miserable autumn day. He constantly tells me on the phone how much our friendship means to him and that he will never forget me. Why the hell did we ever have those bloody riots? They have destroyed my life.

  Nov 24th, 2012

  He flew out this evening. He called just before leaving for the airport and requested me to never tell anyone of his whereabouts. I solemnly promised and wished him all the luck in the world to achieve what he is setting out to do.

  Today I am again a lonely man with no friends.

  Cynara reread the last sentence sadly. No matter what Jimmy had ultimately become, he had an unhappy life.

  Jan 3rd, 2013

  It was hard for me to continue living in Bradford after Abaan’s departure and so I decided to move back to York. I spoke with Ruth and asked for her help in finding a job. She got me in touch with her cousin who was looking for a chauffeur, George Stewart. I interviewed with him and his wife Elizabeth and got the job along with accommodation, a cottage within the premises of their house. Ruth asked me about Abaan and I told her he had moved to London and we are no longer in touch. She was surprised by that, as she knew how close we had been, but luckily did not question me any further.

  So I am back in York, living in a cottage inside the Stewarts’ property. They are a very old, rich, and influential family of York. George Stewart is one of the current heirs to their business empire. They have a large staff, including the servants at his parents’ house. Mostly everybody lives within the estates. They are all quite friendly but I primarily keep to myself.

  The job and the hours are manageable. I usually take Mr. Stewart to work and then come back to the house to drive Mrs. Stewart anywhere she wishes to go. Late afternoon, I return to Mr. Stewart’s office and drive him home. It is a lot of driving as Mr. Stewart has offices in both York and Leeds. I do not mind it. It keeps me occupied. They frequently socialize in the evenings as well. Usually, Mr. Stewart drives himself. Occasionally, I take them.

  Jan 17th, 2013

  I have not made any new friends since Abaan’s departure. My evenings are spent in my cottage, either reading or watching TV. During my off times, I like to walk around the town. York is beautiful. I wish I had shown the sights to Abaan.

  Feb 17th, 2013

  I would have said I am lucky to have landed such a decent job if it was not for the indecent Mr. Stewart. He is a pompous bastard full of shit. Just a month into my employment, I realized about his extramarital affairs. He is having sex with many women, a few of his employees, a couple of models, and a wife of one of his close friends. I find him utterly disgusting. His wife Elizabeth is a beautiful and gentle woman, a real lady. She does not seem to know of any of his extramarital activities. I just cannot understand how she fell in love with him and married him. She comes from a humble background. Maybe it was his money. She does not seem like a gold-digger. I hope she never finds out about his infidelity. Ignorance is bliss.

  Cynara paused in her reading. She was astounded. This was a revelation. Mr. George Stewart had been an unfaithful husband. It was unlikely that Elizabeth had ever known as she was still living in grief, still so much in love with him. How could he have cheated on her? What more does one want in a woman? His wife was so very attractive and elegant. Men were such pigs. This was going to be very painful for Elizabeth.

  Feb 25th, 2013

  Abaan called today. It was so good to hear his voice after three long months. He seems happy, content to have gone back. It feels right to him. I wish I could say the same for myself. I am neither happy nor unhappy. Most of the time I feel nothing. He called from a private number. I cannot call him back. He has to take these precautions. I understand.

  March 5th, 2013

  Abaan called and asked me to set up a new email account and only access it from a public place. No one else should have any knowledge of it. I went to the library and set one up. He will send emails via an anonymous account that is untraceable. I hope we can communicate regularly.

  March 25th, 2013

  I periodically go to the library to check for new mail. Abaan’s messages are quite infrequent. At least we are still in touch. It is actually more than I had expected. He is a man of his word and keeps his promises.

  March 31st, 2013

  I turned twenty-nine today. Abaan emailed me a poem that he wrote for my birthday, translated in English. It is a beautiful composition. I will always cherish it. In another life, he would have been a great poet. I saved it on a pen drive. Actually, I have saved all his emails. I am a sentimental fool.

  April 20th, 2013

  Abaan is doing well and busy with his cause. Sometimes I feel very angry with myself. I should have gone with him and joined his fight.

  Abaan had meant a lot to Jimmy. When the two first met, Jimmy had been leading a very solitary life. Abaan had given him the companionship he had probably been craving. It had ultimately led to Jimmy’s one-sided love.

  May 5th, 2013

  After giving it a lot of thought, I have decided to join Abaan in his cause. I dislike the pretentious society I am living in. They are all hypocrites. I hate the church and its false ideals. The Western world is nothing but corrupt and farcical. So why should I continue living this life? Instead I should embrace what I feel is right. I want to convert to Islam. Their religion is still pure. Once I convert, I can become a part of Abaan’s brotherhood and join them in their mission.

  Abaan called last night. I told him I want to convert. He was not surprised but asked me to be certain of this decision. There would be no going back. I told him I am very sure, the surest I have ever been for anything. I would never want to go back. He will talk to his fellow brothers and tell me what to do.

  I wish I had decided earlier and not wasted so much time. I could have accompanied him when he left. It is never too late to start afresh. I will convert and then join him. This is my calling.

  May 8th, 2013

  Abaan has spoken with his leaders and they are willing to accept me. I am so thankful. Abaan will instruct me as to how I should proceed and what I need to do next. A heavy burden has been lifted off my soul. I am at peace.

  May 10th, 2013

  Abaan confided that he is currently working on a plan and might actually be coming to England for a short trip. If that materializes, I will go back with him.

  May 13th, 2013
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  Today I swore my allegiance to Abaan and his brotherhood. They are fighting for an Islamic caliphate. I will join their fight and struggle against the West. If Abaan comes to England, I will help in executing his plan. I will convert to Islam. Soon I will also be a Muslim. Allah bless me.

  Cynara turned the page and found it blank. She then flipped through the rest of the pages of the diary, but that was the last entry. There was nothing more. Jimmy stopped writing in May but only died in August. Did he use another diary to add new entries? Maybe the investigators had already found one when they seized his belongings after his suicide. This diary was undiscovered because it had been in the manor’s bookshelves.