Every Little Piece of Him

by Debra Kayn

  "It's been wonderful but..." She shifted sideways and cradled his hand to her chest. "You're older and haven't been married. I'm looking for someone to love for the rest of my life, and I don't know what you want or what your dreams are for me to go forward because...I just don't know. You don't share that part of youself with me."

  She wanted to keep the accusations out of the conversation because she wasn't blaming him for the lack of communication. If keeping his emotional distance was what made him happy and the way he wanted to live, it would be up to her to deal with the consequences—which she was trying to do.

  Anders stared at her hands clasping his. She waited for him to let her in and tell her what he was thinking.

  Several minutes went by, and he still hadn't reassured her that their relationship was heading the right way for her. Unable to sit there any longer, she kissed his hand, and let go. She stood, smoothed the front of her dress, and said, "I'm going to take a shower and then make me a cup of tea before I call it a night."

  Anders looked at the fireplace and never responded. She walked into the bedroom with tears hovering on her lashes, refusing to let herself cry. He wanted her to stay, but he hadn't responded when she told him she'd like to continue seeing him after she leaves.

  After tomorrow night, she might never see him again.

  Chapter 15

  Iliana's suitcases sat by the door in Anders' private quarters. She put her makeup and hair supplies bag on the counter in the bathroom to add to her luggage after she got ready for her gig tonight.

  "Il?" called Anders from the other room.

  She swallowed and inhaled deeply. "Coming."

  When she'd gone to bed last night, he'd been gone. Sometime during the night, he joined her and held her. Unlike every night she'd spent with him, he never initiated sex.

  He also never said a word about their talk.

  That morning when she woke up, he'd already left and gone downstairs.

  She walked out to the living room and found him looking at her bags. "Yes?"

  "Your parents are here." He turned to her. "I've ordered lunch for the three of you in the casino."

  "Oh. Okay. Thank you." She wrung her hands together, frustrated that she couldn't touch him.

  She'd taken a chance last night and put her feelings out there for him, and he'd let her flounder.

  "I'll go down." She walked into the kitchen where she'd left her phone. Not wanting to be rude, she peeked her head out into the hallway. "Anders? Do you want to come down with me and meet my parents?"

  He walked down the hallway and stopped outside his office. "I have work to do. I'll try and stop at your table later."

  Setting her parents up with a free meal wasn't what she wanted. She wanted to introduce them and tell her mom and dad how wonderful Anders had been during her stay.

  "All right." She held his gaze. "I better go down there."

  He held on to the door frame. She exhaled, unaware that she'd suspended breathing in hopes that he'd come downstairs with her. Time was running out.

  His knuckles turned white. Her gaze caught the hard spasm in his jaw underneath his whiskers. She raised her eyes and witnessed the frustration coming from him before he nodded and stepped into the room, out of her view.

  She walked out the door and down the stairs, entering the bar. Only a few customers sat at the counter, and she hurried through the room, crossed the entryway, and went into the casino.

  Her parents stood by one of the slot machines. Her dad frowned, pushing his wire-rimmed glasses down on his nose, as the flashing lights went off in front of him. Her mom laughed, looking at her husband.

  Iliana's vision blurred. She blinked rapidly and strode forward, happy to see her parents.

  "Are you winning?" She stopped beside them and braced for her mom's squeal and hug.

  "It's so good to see you, honey." Her mom pulled back and held her at arm's length. "You know your dad, he's only going to spend twenty dollars, and he'll lose it all within the first ten minutes hour."

  She reached over and hugged her dad. "Missed you."

  "We missed you, too." Her dad scowled at the machine again and put his arms around both her and her mom. "Let's eat."

  Being around her parents bolstered her spirits and distracted her from leaving Anders upstairs, disconnected from her. Thankfully, their meal arrived almost as soon as they sat down.

  "I tried to talk your sister and Tom into taking a day to drive over and hear you sing tonight but they had a prior engagement. Tom's brother is getting married." Her mom poured syrup over her pancakes. "Your sister wants you to email her your schedule, so she can catch up with you at one of your gigs soon."

  As of right now, she had no idea where she'd be singing. It could take a week or two before she had other avenues lined up.

  "How are Sofia and Tom?" She pushed her scrambled eggs away from the waffles, not surprised to know Anders picked her favorite breakfast food.

  "Really good. I swear, they both came back from their honeymoon more in love and happy. Your sister just glows," said her mom.

  "Maybe she's pregnant." Her dad never missed a bite as he laid that bomb on the table.

  Iliana laughed. Knowing her sister, a baby soon after marriage would be welcomed.

  Her mom sipped her coffee. Iliana used to tease her mom about how she ate slowly and carefully, not willing to mess up her lipstick. As an adult, she admired her mother's talents and her drive to always look beautiful for her husband.

  She had that with Anders. He made her super aware of how she looked, how she moved, how she spoke. It was part of wanting to please him. More importantly, it was all because he was the one man who made her feel beautiful.

  It wasn't a chore but a pleasure.

  She sniffed, and all the forks landed on the table. Looking up, she found her parents studying her in concern, their breakfast forgotten.

  "Oh, honey," her mom whispered, elbowing Iliana's father. "Go talk to her."

  "I'm okay." She held up her hand.

  "No, you're not." Her father stood. "Go on a walk with me."

  A ball of emotions grew in her throat. She reached for her daddy's hand and let him lead her blindly through the casino until they were outside. Then, his arms came around her, and she let herself feel the pain of loving someone who couldn't love her back.

  ON THE WIDESCREEN ON the wall, Iliana crumbled against her father's chest. Anders stormed out of the office and went out on the balcony, above the entrance of the Lair. He couldn't see below him, but he could hear the soft words exchanged.

  "I've fallen in love with him," said Iliana.

  Her father's reply was too quiet for Anders to hear. He closed his eyes at the pain in Iliana's voice. It should be him comforting her and reassuring her.

  He wasn't looking for a woman in his life when he heard her sing. After having her once, he should've let her go.

  But, he hadn't.

  Addicted to the sweetness and love she gave him, he couldn't walk away. Having her in another room was too much for him to handle. Thinking about her leaving the Lair killed him.

  His phone vibrated in his pocket. He ignored the call, straining to hear the voices below him out of view.

  Soft cries floated to him. His pulsed roared. He'd done that to her.

  Never planning to share his life with someone else, he'd purposely kept to himself, taking pleasure from different women when offered. That lifestyle fit his needs.

  He'd put all his focus and energy into building Stone Lair out of survival. All his life, he'd gone it alone. At the orphanage, at the boys' homes, and as he became an adult. The only time he'd depended on others was in Mexico.

  The bond he had with Two-crow, Quint, Will, and Mark was unbreakable. His jaw ached, and he rubbed his hands over his face, instantly seeing Joney's half-eaten face in his mind.

  His phone vibrated again. He couldn't let himself be distracted from his past. Iliana was better off without him.

  He re
moved his cell out of his pocket and looked at the screen. Two-crow.

  Answering, he said, "Yes?"

  "Mark's at Missoula General Hospital in ICU." Two-crow paused. "Someone shot him early this morning as he headed out on the river."

  He turned around and went back inside. "I'll be there in an hour."

  "Instead of going to the hospital, we're all going to Quint's campground. It's closer. There's nothing we can do for Mark at the moment. The doctors are taking care of him."

  He picked up his keys from the desk, agreeing to meet the others, and left from the back of the building.

  Iliana would be with her parents today and leave after her show. He hoped like hell that would keep her safe.

  Chapter 16

  "The rain poured," sang Iliana, stepping closer to the front of the stage. "Coming down on me."

  She sang the chorus. Her lungs burned within a tight chest, holding the note.

  Hitting the end, she flattened her hand against the strings of the guitar. The silence only emphasizing the words of the song.

  Applause broke out. She waved to the crowd, meeting her sister's proud gaze.

  Over the last four weeks since leaving Stone Lair, she'd branched out in the number of songs she sang. Using the stage as therapy, she performed what inspired her, depending on her mood.

  Her emotions all centered around Anders. She'd gone through different stages. Anger, sadness, denial, and the one she hated the most and seemed to be her current mood—heartbroken.

  Distance away from him only made her miss what he brought into her life. Around him, she always felt strong and confident, sure about the decisions in her life. But it wasn't enough. In the long run, she needed more from him.

  She removed her guitar and set it behind the amplifier to get later. The bar she sang at had no backstage.

  Her gig here was over, and she had a week until she was scheduled to sing at a Casino in North Idaho, an hour away from Stone Lair in Montana. Being so close without seeing him would be a battle she wasn't sure she could win.

  She hovered between dropping in and seeing him, and driving out of her way not to use I-90 to keep the temptation away. Anders had avoided her leaving, and he never gave any indication he wanted to keep seeing her.

  The sooner she could convince her heart that Anders wasn't ready to have a relationship with her, maybe she could convince herself it was over with him.

  Her heart argued against her.

  She loved him.

  Leaving the stage, she shook hands with a few of the customers and thanked them for coming before joining her sister at the table. "What did you think?"

  "I like the new songs." Sofia pushed her half a glass of wine across the table. "Very emotional with your voice. I think you had all the women in the room swaying and the men wishing they could save you."

  She wrinkled her nose and took a drink. The thought of having another man in her life turned her off. For her, Anders stood heads above anyone else despite him breaking her heart.

  Because she'd had time to think about what she'd gone through with Anders, she'd come to realize that older, rugged mountain men were her style. And, she could look all over the world, and no one would compare to Anders.

  Knowing she was setting herself up for a miserable, lonely life without him, she had a hard time enjoying her career.

  "How many times have you called Tom since you arrived?" she asked, changing the subject.

  Sofia grinned. "Only three times. Though I should text him and tell him that you're done, and I'll be heading home."

  "You're not going to arrive back at your house until almost three o'clock in the morning. Are you sure you don't want to crash in the motorhome with me and head out early in the morning?" She worried about her sister on the road by herself.

  Sofia's eyes widened. "No, no, no, no..."

  Iliana took a drink of the wine to cover her smile. Her sister was attached to her husband like monkey glue.

  "Let's get you out of here and home to Tom." She stood and linked her arm through Sofia's. "Next time, bring your husband so I can spend time with both of you."

  Together, they walked out to the parking lot. Her sister pointed to her car, and Iliana walked her to the third row. At the vehicle, she climbed into the passenger seat, and Sofia drove her fifty feet to the motorhome parked at the edge of the lot.

  There were special precautions she took now that she was doing gigs on her own. She never walked to her motorhome alone, and when her sister wasn't here, she'd ask one of the bartenders or bouncers to escort her, depending on where she was singing.

  With no band members around and no desire to sit and have a drink with any of the male customers after her show, she spent many, many hours in her motorhome.

  Lonely hours she hadn't anticipated.

  She blew Sofia a kiss goodbye and unlocked the side door to the RV. Once locked inside, she kicked off her heels and grabbed her cell phone off the table to see if she had any messages while she was inside singing.

  Scrolling through her emails—only two pertained to new gigs, she set some water on the propane stove to make tea. She pulled up her texts and walked back to the bedroom. Sitting on the bed, she answered her mom, sent an emoji to Brad who told her to break a leg and hovered her thumb over Anders name.

  Her heart raced.

  He'd texted.

  He'd contacted her.

  He'd reached out.

  She opened the text and read. "Call me."

  Her body itched in excitement. She stripped off her dress, tossing it to the floor, and grabbed her sweatpants and sweatshirt that she typically slept-in while on the road, then crawled up on the double bed and connected the call.

  There was no hesitation, even after hearing nothing from him for a month. Her heart beat with joy and need and loneliness and excitement and hope.

  "Iliana," he said upon answering.

  "I just got your message." She swallowed, hearing herself breathing heavily.

  "I need to see you."

  She pressed her hand against her chest. "I have six days until I have a gig over in Coeur d'Alene. I'll be heading that way tomorrow and could stop at Stone Lair on my way."

  "Where are you now?"

  "Deer Lodge."

  Silence came over the phone. She stilled, afraid he got off the phone. "Anders?"

  "I'm here. How soon can you get here?"

  "I can leave now." She gazed around the inside of the RV. It wouldn't take her long to secure everything down and get it road-ready.

  "No, you need to sleep. I don't want you traveling in the middle of the night after you've worked."

  "If I leave in the morning, I can be at the Lair around noon, maybe one o'clock," she said, knowing she'd have trouble sleeping.

  "Okay." He sighed. "Be safe."

  "I will." She paused when he made no move to hang up. "Is everything okay?"

  "No," he said forcibly. "I need you."

  She sucked in air. It didn't matter in which capacity he needed her, she needed him, too.

  "I'll see you tomorrow," she whispered into the phone.

  "Tomorrow." He disconnected the call.

  She sat on the bed, dazed and whirling until the teapot whistled. For the first time, she dumped the water down the sink, put away her jar of honey, and went straight to bed after singing without soothing her throat. Closing her eyes and trying to sleep was the only thing she could think of that would make time go faster until she could be with Anders again.

  Chapter 17

  Two-crow, Quint, and Will stood in the office. Anders braced his hands on the desk and looked at each letter that was sent to them all. Nothing stood out to verify the sender.

  Each letter was exactly the same. Same font, same paper, same wording, same envelope, same stamp.

  Quint opened the window and lit a cigarette, blowing the smoke outside. "We should've gone after them as soon as we found each other in Montana."

  Anders sat down, losing the number
of times they'd hashed over the same problem. "We were barely adults."

  "We didn't even know how to find any of them. It took us ten years or more to find out where they were in the United States. They had the upper hand the whole time, knowing who we were and where we went after escaping." Two-crow crossed his arms.

  Will ran his hands over his face. "We should've realized back then that the people responsible weren't Mexicans."

  "How could we have known that?" Anders latched his hands behind his head and leaned back in the chair. "Everyone spoke Spanish. It took two years for me to figure out a way to get across the border into the states after I ran. I had no way of knowing the men responsibility were crossing almost daily and had others making sure we stayed hidden."

  "I wonder how many boys they stole after we left?" Two-crow looked at them all. "Do you think we're the only ones?"

  "I'm betting we are, and that's why they're trying to take each one of us out. If there were fifteen or twenty other boys who lived in the same conditions as we had, it would be almost impossible for them to kill them all without someone noticing." Quint stubbed the butt of the cigarette out between his fingers and pocketed the filter. "It makes our situation more dangerous. They're getting sloppy, having already taken out one of my employees."

  Anders studied Quint, seeing the hidden pain. "What have the cops said?"

  "Not a damn thing." Quint leaned against the wall. "They've interviewed me and everyone who works for me at the campground. Like I told you earlier, I refuse to involve the police in our business or admit to having a connection to the killers. But, if they find the two guys who murdered my employee, I hope they string their asses up. It'll be two fewer people we have coming after us."

  Two-crow walked toward the door and stopped. "I need to get out of here."

  "Yeah, and I need to get over and see Mark." Will paused. "He's holed up at his cabin. I figured I'd grab some burgers and keep him company for an hour."

  Since Mark got shot, they'd all come together. Not three days went by without them meeting somewhere or going to the hospital at the same time. Forced to live with his past, Anders struggled with admitting he needed them in his life after Iliana left him.