by Miranda Hart
Look at them, they’re like a pack of shell-suited hyenas.
STEVIE: Hyenae.
MIRANDA: Hyenae. I bet they don’t even care about Latin plurals.
STEVIE: Well don’t start speaking in Latin plurals.
MIRANDA: I won’t. I hope not to engage with them at all.
They start approaching
MIRANDA / STEVIE: Ooh no.
STEVIE: Right don’t let them smell our fear. Act casual.
TEENAGER: Let me get this innit.
Puts a product down and mumbles a sentence.
Do you get me?
MIRANDA / STEVIE: Absolutely, yeah, totally.
Teenager puts money down.
TEENAGER: I like your mask (POINTING AT MIRANDA’S FACE). Is it a Halloween one?
He high fives his mates. Miranda and Stevie do fake laughing.
More mumbles.
Do you know what I mean?
MIRANDA: Yes. (TO CAMERA) No.
They go.
Phew.
STEVIE: How pathetic. You know, we are grown women.
MIRANDA: Well one of us has grown. Tiny! Right, I’m off to the restaurant.
STEVIE: (CHILDISHLY, LIKE AN INSULT) Off to meet Tamara, are we?
MIRANDA: What do you mean, are we? I’m off to meet Tamara for a coffee.
STEVIE: Going for a coffee with Tamara, are we? She’s just as much my friend.
MIRANDA: No, she’s not because I was the one who made friends with her. You’re a friend of a friend. Friendish. Friendoid.
STEVIE: I’m not competing.
MIRANDA: (TEENAGE STYLE) Whatever. You’re just jealous because I’ve found someone else to have fun with.
STEVIE: I have more fun with Tamara. On my fun scale she’s eighty-five percent, you’re just forty.
MIRANDA: Forty?! Who invented Cake Soup and Roulade Roulette? I’ll tell you who. (POINTING AT HERSELF) Captain Fun Times.
STEVIE: Well did I, or did I not, invent Talk as Duncan Bannatyne Day.
MIRANDA: Boring. Very boring game. The game you loved, was my game. Where’s Miranda?
EXT. PADDINGTON (FLASHBACK)
Stevie is standing high up somewhere scouring the crowd.
STEVIE: Found her!
Crash-zoom into crowd to pick out Miranda, looking nonchalant. She’s wearing red and white striped jumper, bobble hat and round glasses, a la Where’s Wally.
Stevie goes up to Miranda. They hug and laugh.
INT. SHOP
Back to present.
Miranda starts to leave.
STEVIE: Opening the door, are we?
MIRANDA: Putting ‘are we’ after a fact does not make it an insult.
Stevie gets her bag and coat.
What are you doing?
STEVIE: Just taking an early lunch break to meet my friend.
MIRANDA: MY friend.
STEVIE: MY friend.
Puts on her coat.
MIRANDA: Putting on our coat from Gap Kids, are we? (TO CAMERA) It does work.
INT. RESTAURANT
Miranda and Stevie walk in trying to get in before each other. They get stuck in the doorway then squeeze in at the same time.
MIRANDA: Clive, Clive – is Tamara here?
CLIVE: She’s out buying milk. I’d say she won’t be long but she’s probably skiving again.
A builder comes out from the kitchen.
BUILDER: (LONDON ACCENT) That’s all finished mate, just a loose wing nut to be honest.
MIRANDA / STEVIE: Phwaaaaooorrr.
Gary looks annoyed/jealous.
BUILDER: Just needed a bit of muscle that’s all. You know what I mean?
GARY: Cheers.
Hands over cash. (Doing builder accent and puffing chest up)
GARY: Yeah, thought it was probably the wing nut, somethin’ like that. There you go mate, here’s the score.
Hands builder cash.
Be lucky.
Builder goes. They stare at Gary.
What?
MIRANDA: (MIMICKING THE ACCENT) You just tried to go all builder alpha male.
GARY: What do you mean tried to? I’m alpha male.
They all shake their heads.
A waiter (Ryan) goes past from kitchen to deliver a meal.
Hang on, just add a bit of parsley.
He puts some parsley delicately on a dish.
MIRANDA/STEVIE/CLIVE: (GIRLISHLY)Just add a bit of parsley.
GARY: (CROSSLY) Alright.
MIRANDA/STEVIE/CLIVE: Oooooh!
Gary looks annoyed, they all turn away from the bar.
GARY: Miranda, can we talk?
They sit at the sofa area.
Listen, have you… thought about us…?
MIRANDA: The us-spending-the-night-together-thingimy? A bit… (TO CAMERA) I’ve literally thought of nothing else.
GARY: Great, great because I still really want to give us a chance. I wondered if you wanted to go to a hotel or something, if that doesn’t sound too sordid. So I wondered if you might want to go on another date this week?
MIRANDA: Sordid away. Sorry.
Miranda smiles.
MIRANDA: Yeah, great.
GARY: Great. (SARCASTIC) So I’m alpha male enough for you.
MIRANDA: You! Alpha male! (SHE LAUGHS) Sorry, no sorry.
Tamara comes in. Stevie and Miranda rush towards her.
STEVIE: Tamara!
MIRANDA: Tamara!
STEVIE: Tamara, Tamara…
MIRANDA: (TO THE ANNIE SONG) I love you Tamara…
STEVIE / MIRANDA: (SINGING COMPETITIVELY/HARMONISING)
You’re only a day away.
TAMARA: What a lovely welcome. Hey girls.
Puts milk down on the bar and goes to sit down.
CLIVE: I’ll put it in the fridge then shall I…? (TUTS) (TO GARY) I thought you said she was a good waitress in Hong Kong.
GARY: Give it a rest, Clive.
Clive goes to kitchen.
TAMARA: So I’ve just been handed this leaflet – for an art class, painting. From tonight. I thought maybe it’s fate. You up for it?
STEVIE/MIRANDA: Yeah, sure. Yeah, wicked, yeah.
TAMARA: I’ve always liked art. Do you like Botticelli?
STEVIE/MIRANDA: Oh, amazing. Amazing.
STEVIE: You don’t know what Botticelli is.
MIRANDA: Yes I do. It’s an ice cream.
Tamara laughs.
Yes obviously that was a joke.
Clocks camera.
STEVIE: So… Boticelli is…?
MIRANDA: Um.
Sees Gary behind Stevie and Tamara mouthing ‘a painter’.
A painter.
STEVIE: When did he paint?
MIRANDA: He painted in… um
Sees Gary helping her out by mouthing ‘renaissance’.
She tries to understand it.
And starts making noises similar to what he could be making and finally says ‘renaissance’ but she says it in a weird way having had to find it from Gary.
MIRANDA: He painted in the ‘renaissance’. Always said it like that.
STEVIE: And what kind of paintings?
MIRANDA: Big ones, specialising in…
Looks to Gary – the same thing happens. He is mouthing ‘nudes’.
Nooo… Nuu… Nuuuud… Nuuuuuudes. He painted Nuuuuuudes in the (HOW SHE SAID IT EARLIER) Renaissance. Yes, count me in.
TAMARA: Great. I’ll get some drinks.
Goes.
STEVIE: Nuuuuuddesss. Being an idiot are we?
Slaps her.
Miranda slaps her back. Two more slaps and then it goes into a silly, girly slap fight. As Tamara approaches Miranda pushes Stevie off her chair.
INT. SHOP (LATER THAT AFTERNOON)
Miranda comes downstairs. Stevie is behind the till.
STEVIE: Coming down the stairs, are we?
MIRANDA: Sitting behind the till, are we?
STEVIE: Using the ‘are we’, are we?
Penny comes
in.
PENNY: Hi darling… Hi Stevie, how are you?
STEVIE: Oh I’m alright but…
PENNY: Oh good. Now look what your hip mother has got herself. (HOLDS UP A MOBILE) A portable phone.
MIRANDA: A mobile. Only twenty years behind.
PENNY: I wasn’t going to get one on principle but your father insisted. He said saucy text messages were all the rage. I thought being rude on the phone meant working for BT. (LAUGHS) Now listen, Phylida’s cousin, Julian Langtuttington, single, is arranging a vegan barbecue. I mean what is the point. What are they going to do, grill a bread roll? But then again Julian is a little bit (MOUTHED) stupid. He thought pot pourri was a tropical disease. I think he needs (MOUTHED) full-time care.
MIRANDA: Now all I’m seeing is (DEMO).
PENNY: (SHOUTS) full-time care.
MIRANDA: Alright.
PENNY: Phylida’s going to text me the details…
MIRANDA: You should’ve asked, I could have been busy.
Penny and Stevie laugh together, a bit too long. Miranda clocks camera.
PENNY: (GETS A TEXT) A text! Oh bear with, bear with. Such fun.
Penny looks at her phone, putting it close, then far away.
MIRANDA: Oh just wear your glasses…
Penny holds the phone far away from her, straining.
STEVIE: Yeah it’s bad for your eyes to strain. I think glasses look very elegant on an older woman.
PENNY: Older woman?
STEVIE: Well you know, a mature lady. A woman of your age.
PENNY: And what age would that be?
STEVIE: Oh ummm…
MIRANDA: Scared.
STEVIE: Six…
Miranda cringes. Penny scorns at everything Stevie says.
Fifty… fifty ni… eigh… fifty six… fou… four… forty-nine. Very elegant. As long as you don’t wear them on a chain because that can make you look very old.
PENNY: What do you mean by very old?
MIRANDA: She keeps walking into it.
STEVIE: Old, you know when you’re like sixty…
Miranda cringes. Penny looks horrified.
Seve… over a hundred… like your hundred-and-twenties.
PENNY: (TURNING AWAY FROM STEVIE DISGUSTED).
Right, so darling – (AT PHONE) tonight, at…
MIRANDA: Oh, I can’t tonight, got plans.
PENNY: (SHOCKED) What?
MIRANDA: An art class. I do things!
PENNY: Miranda, the last time you went out after nine o’clock was when you forgot to put the bins out.
Penny and Stevie laugh.
Miranda clocks camera.
MIRANDA: Excuse me, I have a life.
Penny and Stevie continue to laugh. Miranda goes upstairs. Does a big massive fake laugh and sweeps up.
STEVIE: You do know staying in with fruit friends doesn’t count.
MIRANDA: I do not do that…
Looks to camera.
INT. MIRNADA’S FLAT
Miranda is singing Take That ‘Shame’ to fruit which have faces drawn on them and miniature instruments.
MIRANDA: (SINGING) What a shame we never listened. I told you through the television.
And all that went away was the price we paid.
INT. ART CLASS
Tamara, Miranda, Stevie in a row with easels. Few others also in the class.
We reveal Stevie in full beret and painter’s outfit. She looks smug. Miranda raises her eyes.
Helena, the art teacher, comes in. When she speaks, she over emphasises loudly the last word or two of the sentence.
MIRANDA: This is exciting.
TAMARA: Yeah, should be cool.
MIRANDA: Good suggestion. Hey, (SINGING) Once I had a love and it was a gas, soon turned out it was an (SPOKEN) art of class.
Tamara looks blank.
Turns to other art class member:
Hey (SINGS) Once I had a love and it was a gas, soon turned out it was an (SPOKEN) art of class.
They look blank.
Miranda turns to camera.
(SINGS) Once I had a love and it was a gas, soon turned out it was (SPOKEN) an art of class. Oh – whatever…
HELENA: Hello, everybody, welcome to the class. We’re together for (LOUDLY) six sessions.
Miranda looks startled.
Twice weekly for (LOUDLY) three weeks. Focusing on (LOUDLY) still life.
MIRANDA: Hope it’s not food because I’ll just want to (LOUDLY) eat it.
Miranda and Tamara laugh.
STEVIE: Stop it.
MIRANDA: I’m just sharing a joke with my friend Tamara.
HELENA: Tonight we start with (LOUDLY) life drawing.
A naked man appears and lies on the chaise longue.
HELENA: So this is Johnny, our life model for tonight.
MIRANDA: And don’t forget little Johnny – inappropriate.
They all start painting.
HELENA: (WALKING AROUND) So tomorrow night we’ll be doing the female form. Unfortunately our regular model is (LOUDLY) unwell.
Says that by Miranda, who jumps.
HELENA: So if anyone wants to volunteer please do give me a call in the morning…
TAMARA: I life modelled once – so freeing.
MIRANDA: Tamara, that’s really brave.
STEVIE: It’s good to cross personal boundaries.
MIRANDA: Excuse me, this is a personal conversation.
Stevie slowly paints a long line down Miranda’s arm.
STEVIE: Miranda very much stays in her comfort zone.
MIRANDA: That’s absolutely not the case. Only last week I had savoury, moved to sweet, then switched back to savoury.
STEVIE: With your nudity issues, seeing a naked man is out of your comfort zone.
MIRANDA: I’m fine with nudity.
Suddenly, looking at the model.
He moved, it moved.
Class stare. Turning round.
Who said that? That is so childish.
STEVIE: Pathetic…
Stevie looks smug.
Miranda paints a line down her face.
We see Stevie is about to retaliate.
Fade to black.
INT. ART CLASS
We see Miranda finish something up on Stevie’s face. And then reveal that she has painted Stevie as a tiger.
We then reveal Miranda’s face has been painted with glasses, beard and moustache.
TAMARA: Hey crazy ladies (RE THEIR FACES), listen, shall we go out?
STEVIE: Yeah when?
TAMARA: Tonight.
MIRANDA: But we are out.
TAMARA: Let’s go out out. To a club…
MIRANDA: Now?!
Looks at her watch.
But it’s nearly nine. Four words – Rush. Home. For. Poirot.
STEVIE: I’m up for going out out. Miranda’s always very in in.
TAMARA: Great, so shall I meet you at the restaurant at eleven?
MIRANDA: Eleven?! I’m up for it. Absolutely. Yeah see you there duuuuuuuudes.
Turns and falls in to an easel – a big crash.
INT. RESTAURANT
The restaurant is quiet/winding down for the night.
Miranda walks in, changed for the night and hangs coat up.
MIRANDA: Gary listen I need your help. I’ve got to stay awake…
Sees Gary chopping a carrot, quickly, with big knife.
GARY: Who said chefs can’t be manly.
MIRANDA: You’re so sweet.
GARY: Please don’t call me sweet.
MIRANDA: Sorry. I need coffee, and something sugary. I’m going out out with Tamara.
He gets coffee and some pavlova.
GARY: You seem obsessed with Tamara at the moment. Pavlova OK?
Starts cutting it.
MIRANDA: There’s no need to cut that.
Takes whole plate.
I’m not obsessed with her. She’s keeping me young. Plus Stevie thinks she’s a better friend.
GARY: Oh no,
not one of your stupid competitions again.
INT. SHOP OR FLAT (FLASHBACK)
Miranda and Stevie are standing by an enormous roll of bubble wrap each (size of yoga balls).
GARY: OK first one to pop all their bubbles.
GARY: OK. (WITH STOP WATCH). On your marks, get set. Ready… go!
They unroll the bubble wrap, and start popping by any means possible, rolling up in it, jumping up and down. Doing one big roll along it etc.
INT. RESTAURANT
Back to present.
MIRANDA: Do you ever feel old at thirty-five? It’s quite a weird in-between age if you’re single isn’t it coz most people are at baby stage…
GARY: Are you still single?
I hoped you were off the market.
MIRANDA: Yeah?
GARY: Yeah, because well, I was going to book a room at that new spa hotel for us… if that’s OK?
MIRANDA: It is.
He leans over the bar and gives her a kiss on the cheek.
GARY: Great I’ll go give them a call.
Goes.
MIRANDA: (TO CAMERA) I could do a little weep of joy.
Stevie comes in, changed for the night.
STEVIE: Drooling over Gary, are we?
MIRANDA: Mutton dressed as lamb, are we?
Tamara comes in. Also changed.
TAMARA: Are you ready to party?
MIRANDA: Yeah, let’s go. I’m getting a bit of a high.
TAMARA: Cool, what have you taken?
MIRANDA: Pavlova.
INT. MIRANDA’S SITTING ROOM. NIGHT
Miranda, Stevie and Tamara pile back in laughing. Tamara singing/dancing.
TAMARA: I can’t believe the club closed at two-thirty. More music!
Goes to iPod.
MIRANDA: (GETTING CLOSER TO CAMERA)
Help me, I’m so tired.
The beginning of ‘Signed, Sealed, Delivered’ comes on – which makes Miranda jump. She starts moving with Tamara.
TAMARA: Where do you go if you want to party till dawn? Come on let’s see the sun rise.
Miranda and Stevie look shocked.
This town is so lame. But it must be cool here when you’re middle-aged.
STEVIE / MIRANDA: When you’re what now please?
TAMARA: Aren’t you mid-forties? It doesn’t matter does it?
MIRANDA: It does a bit.
Stevie grabs Miranda and heads to the kitchen area.
