by Miranda Hart
STEVIE: Middle-aged?!
MIRANDA: Mid-forties?!
STEVIE: Right we’ll show her.
Points to objects on counter.
Oh… Hide your Midsomer Murders DVDs.
MIRANDA: Quick!
Pushes them off counter.
STEVIE: We’re not sleeping ’til she sleeps. Deal?
MIRANDA/STEVIE: Foe no more, friend for sure.
TAMARA: (DANCING) This is one of Gary’s favourite songs…
STEVIE: (TO MIRANDA) Right, come on, funk down. Show her our stuff.
Starts dancing ott.
Cut to Miranda and Stevie in the kitchen.
MIRANDA: Time?
STEVIE: Three-fifteen
They both do three shots in a row.
MIRANDA: Cola.
STEVIE: Energy drink.
MIRANDA: Coffee.
TAMARA: Come on girls – make-over.
STEVIE: Go on without me, save yourself.
MIRANDA: You can do this.
Miranda slaps Stevie.
Cut to Miranda and Stevie painting their nails. As Miranda leans forward to paint her toes she drops off.
Stevie clashes some cymbals and Miranda sits up.
Cut to Miranda and Stevie putting ice cubes down their tops.
Cut to Tamara who is setting up a game.
TAMARA: Love this game!
Miranda and Stevie give themselves electric shocks by licking 9-volt batteries to wake up.
Tamara is watching a DVD. Miranda and Stevie are eating coffee granules.
MIRANDA: More coffee! Come on.
STEVIE: Yes, yes, yes, coffee.
Cut to Miranda and Stevie with two alarm clocks strapped to their ears that are going off. They take them off as Tamara comes over.
TAMARA: It’s nine a.m. – too late for sleep. Let’s go swimming.
Miranda and Stevie laugh hysterically.
MIRANDA: Oh dear God.
(OOV) Come on.
INT. MIRANDA’S SITTING ROOM
Tamara is by the door. Miranda and Stevie are walking very carefully down the stairs. Miranda stumbles at the last step.
MIRANDA: I thought there was another step but they’d finished. I hate that. (DEMOS)
TAMARA: I’ll just get my costume and meet you back here. I find a swim is often better than a sleep. Don’t you?
Goes.
MIRANDA: Yes. (TO CAMERA) No. (BEAT) How could swimming be better than a sleep?
TAMARA: (POPS BACK IN). Hey, and let’s go shopping later.
Goes.
Miranda and Stevie try to stay upright. They’re so tired they seem drunk.
MIRANDA: Shopping?!
Stevie falls to the floor.
MIRANDA: Get up!
Stevie stands up.
MIRANDA: We can do this.
STEVIE: I will not be defeated. We are young. Are you still with me?
They high five but miss.
MIRANDA: I’m still with you.
Gary comes in.
GARY: All right ladies. So Miranda, you wanted to go to a hotel… I’ve booked a room.
Puts her in a manly hold.
(AS BUILDER) So why don’t you come to my bar later and I’ll take you there in my transit. Alpha male enough for you?
MIRANDA: Yes.
Gary claps excitedly.
GARY: Yay
MIRANDA: Ruining it.
GARY: Sorry.
GARY: (TO STEVIE) See you later sweet cheeks.
Winks. Goes.
Miranda turns to Stevie who is looking amazed.
STEVIE: Somebody’s just been woo-ed.
MIRANDA: That was one hell of a woo.
STEVIE: A hundred woo points to him.
MIRANDA: Welcome to woo central.
STEVIE: It’s woo-nderful.
MIRANDA: You ruined it. Stevie, it’s actually happening with him. (TO CAMERA) I feel teary again.
TAMARA: (POPS HER HEAD IN) Are you ready? I’ll go get changed then but I’ll meet you at the swimming pool.
Goes.
MIRANDA: Swimming! I can’t … I’ll be too tired for tonight…
STEVIE: Now come on.
Runs over to Miranda.
You can do this, or do you want everyone to think you’re so old before your time you joined the National Trust just for the gift shops? You’ll turn into an even posher version of your, what I call, mother and whenever you taste a cake you’ll say…
INT. NATIONAL TRUST CAFE (FLASHBACK)
Miranda in tweeds with a cake.
MIRANDA: (REALLY POSH) Ooh, good lord that’s moist. (WAVING) Yoo hoo Marjorie. Have you seen these? (PUTS HER FEET ON THE TABLE TO REVEAL RIDICULOUSLY PATTERNED/COLOURED WELLIES) I don’t think they could be more fun. (SEES A GUARDIAN ON THE TABLE) Urh, is that a Guardian? (FLICKS IT AWAY DISGUSTED)
INT. SHOP
Back to present.
Miranda leans forward speaking to a stuffed kangaroo.
MIRANDA: That’s an excellent point Stevie.
Miranda screams and looks to Stevie.
That’s an excellent point. Right.
STEVIE: Right, this is the plan. You go swimming. Then I’ll take over and go shopping. She won’t know we’re sleeping between shifts.
MIRANDA: Brilliant. Between us, we’ll make an excellent twenty-something. The stop of us will be untwoable. No. Many lights make hands work. Yes.
They go to high five but lean onto each other asleep.
Come on, right. Swimming things…
Miranda goes to get her swimming things from the kitchen area, falling over onto a beanbag as she goes.
STEVIE: You can do this.
Runs over and crouches by Miranda’s face. Picks up Heather Small.
(SINGS) You’ve got to search inside yourself. (INTO A MEAGAPHONE) (SHOUTS) Get up!
MIRANDA: (SCREAMS, GETS UP) What am I doing here?
STEVIE: Swimming things.
MIRANDA: Swimming things!
Rushes into room. (OOV)
What am I doing in here? (REMEMBERS) Swimming things!
INT. SWIMMING POOL
Miranda and Tamara in the changing room. There’s another women there. One getting ready to go in, Tamara takes all her clothes off and is already in her bikini.
MIRANDA: Should have changed at home… Fine with it…
Tamara is putting her things in the locker etc.
TAMARA: I’ll see you in there.
MIRANDA: Great, yeah, can’t wait. Won’t be long.
She gets her towel and puts it around her waist and removes her trousers. Then her pants. And keeps the towel tightly around her waist.
Miranda then takes off her top and moves the towel slowly upwards to cover her bra.
We see a woman who has finished swimming come in and take off her swimming costume and stand totally naked to towel herself.
Why, why?
Then she starts putting on her swimming costume – it’s quite hard without letting the towel drop. Squats down on the floor to get her costume on her bottom half and falls asleep.
Suddenly the naked woman comes over to where Miranda is to get to her locker. Miranda looks panicked.
MIRANDA: (TO CAMERA) Tit in eye.
Stands up successfully.
Dignity intact.
INT. SHOP
Stevie at the till. Miranda enters.
MIRANDA: I have a massive problem with nudity.
STEVIE: (SARCASTIC) No! Did you keep up with her?
MIRANDA: Yes.
Stevie is pouring a teapot on to a cup held upside down with the tea splashing everywhere.
Are you OK?
STEVIE: Fine.
MIRANDA: Right, OK, focus, I need your help. Because art class, changing room, I’m all cringed out. If I’m going to be woo-ed tonight, Stevie, I’ve got to find a way to claim nakedity.
STEVIE: OK calm. You just need to normalise it. OK, so the next person who walks through that door just – imagine they’re naked.
Penny walks in. Miranda screams.
PENNY: Charming. Darling Phylida has changed the barbecue to tonight so you can come…
MIRANDA: I can’t do tonight either.
PENNY: (GETS A TEXT) Ooh a text! Bear with, bear with.
Tries to read it and can’t.
Can you read that for me?
MIRANDA: It’s Dad. Heading home. Terrible golf game. Come and join me in the bath for a hole in one. I want to show you my loofah. Urh… You’ve got to wear your glasses!
PENNY: (GIGGLES) I’ve got a bath to go to.
Penny goes.
MIRANDA: I’m officially cringed out. It’s like I’ve eaten cotton wool. (DEMOS) This can’t go wrong with Gary tonight, Stevie, because this is it with him, this is our moment. The night when dos become uno. (PAUSE) Ooh I’ve had an idea. Oh, it’s quite out there: yes, I’m going to ring and say I want to be the life model for the art class. Well if I can get naked with a bunch-o-strangers, there’ll be no shyness tonight. I will have claimed my nude-nisity.
STEVIE: Go for it. You know you’ve got to love your body. I do. Well mine – not yours. If I had to rate myself: Hips – ten. Thighs – ten. Breasts – ten.
MIRANDA: (TO CAMERA) Sounds like one of my KFC orders. (LAUGHS)
INT. ART CLASS
Miranda is in a dressing gown in front of the class. Tamara is there.
HELENA: Good evening everybody. This is Miranda, our model for (LOUDLY) tonight.
Miranda jumps.
(TO MIRANDA) We’re very excited, very very Rubenesque. (TO CLASS) So you’ll see we have curves, contours, undulations…
MIRANDA: Undulations. I’m a woman, not a B road.
HELENA: And because of her height she has an excellent sweep.
MIRANDA: Ooh thank you very much. Keep your eye out for Sooty.
(TO CAMERA) Sounded wrong.
HELENA: If you want to disrobe and make yourself comfortable.
MIRANDA: Right. Um, OK. No, I can do this. Right.
(TO CAMERA) Excuse me.
Pushes the camera down.
(BEAT)
(OOV) I did it!
Tamara does a thumbs up.
TAMARA: Well done!
A beat. The class all replace the canvas on their easels with a larger one.
MIRANDA: (OOV) Rude.
Cut to:
INT. RESTAURANT
Miranda comes into the restaurant – now fully clothed! (Nice clothes – she looks good)
The restaurant is pretty empty as it’s late. The radio is on.
Miranda sees Gary clearing a table, she taps him on the shoulder, he turns around.
MIRANDA: So are you gonna take this Rubenesque beauty out tonight or what? I’ve never been more ready.
GARY: Wow. Well yes I am.
The radio starts to play ‘Let’s Get It On’.
They hear it. They are standing by a table, Miranda sweeps everything off it and pulls Gary down on to it.
Miranda suddenly sees a man there halfway through a mouthful and screams.
Music out.
MIRANDA: So sorry sir, do carry on.
MIRANDA / GARY: Sorry.
GARY: Wow, you are… just give me a minute, I’ll go get my things.
Runs to the kitchen.
Clive? I’m knocking off early.
Stevie comes in.
Tamara comes in from the kitchen.
STEVIE: Oh here you are. How was it?
TAMARA: She was ace. I think it’s one of my best paintings.
MIRANDA: Well when you’ve got an excellent nuuuuuuude.
Clive comes in.
CLIVE: Tamara, I asked you to clear that table.
TAMARA: Oh yeah, sorry Clive. One sec.
Clive leaves.
So this band is doing a twenty-four-hour gig, dawn till dawn. Wanna come?
MIRANDA: Dawn? (TO STEVIE) I can’t go on. (TO TAMARA) My name’s Miranda and my idea of a big night is getting through a giant Toblerone with an omnibus of Countryfile.
STEVIE: Aww.
MIRANDA: Yeah I know, it’s lovely. And the only reason I’d be up at dawn is if I woke up needing the loo.
STEVIE: And my name’s Stevie and it’s my ambition to grow vegetables and make my own ratatouille.
MIRANDA: Aw that’s lovely.
STEVIE: I know.
MIRANDA: Yeah, kitchen garden.
STEVIE: (TO TAMARA) We’re very old…
TAMARA: What’s ratatouille?
STEVIE: You don’t need to know yet – all in good time.
STEVIE: Just consider us, your Auntie Miranda and Auntie Stevie…
Miranda sees Gary beckoning her. Miranda slips away and creeps out of the restaurant with Gary.
Clive comes in.
CLIVE: Are you still gossiping? Right, that’s it, you’re fired.
TAMARA: Clive, sorry.
She goes to kitchen.
CLIVE: Sorry Gary, but you only employed her because she’s your wife or whatever the set up is…
Miranda and Gary stop dead. Gary is saying ‘no no’ to Clive.
I didn’t say anything…
MIRANDA: No you did, you said she’s your wife.
STEVIE: Who’s his wife?
MIRANDA: Is Tamara your wife?
GARY: No, not really. (NERVOUSLY) Technically she’s my wife…
MIRANDA: (STUNNED) What?
GARY: Doesn’t matter. I’ll explain on the way to the hotel… come on…
CLIVE: (SO EXCITED) Oh my – are you two together…?
MIRANDA: Sorry, Tamara’s your wife.
CLIVE: Were you two eloping?
MIRANDA: Clive shush…
Tamara comes out of the kitchen.
TAMARA: Clive…
STEVIE: Married to Gary, are we?
GARY: Miranda, I can explain…
MIRANDA: No no, Gary. I don’t know what to say…
We hear Ronan Keating’s ‘You Say It Best When You Say Nothing At All’
Clive! Can you switch that off please?
We reveal Clive at the CD player.
CLIVE: Sorry.
He switches it off.
MIRANDA: I was trying to do an angry rant to storm out to… I did a life class for you…
She tires and can’t think of anything.
Oh forget it.
Goes.
GARY: Miranda…
Goes after her.
INT. MIRANDA’S SITTING ROOM/CORRIDOR
Miranda storms in. Gary runs in after her. Tension is very high.
MIRANDA: Sorry, what do you mean you’re married?
GARY: OK, she’s a friend from Hong Kong and for a pass to study here I said I’d do the green card thing for a visa. I know I’m an idiot. But I owed her a massive favour. Come on, it’s not like I’m still sleeping with her…
Realises what he just said.
MIRANDA: Still? Gary, still?
GARY: Sorry, sorry… it was a while ago; it was when I was travelling. It was just a fling.
MIRANDA: And you let me become friends with her. You knew what a big thing this was for me, Gary. But it was obviously not real for you because if you really cared you wouldn’t keep such a massive secret. Taking me to a hotel room wasn’t another romantic gesture – it was another meaningless fling, only this one won’t end in marriage.
(TO CAMERA) Now, that was quite good.
She storms out.
In the corridor.
(OOV) But I’ve stormed out of my own flat.
Knocks on the door. He opens it.
You get out…
GARY: Let’s talk about it please. I only didn’t tell you because I knew you’d overreact.
MIRANDA: (FURIOUS) Overreact?!
GARY: (EQUALLY FURIOUS) It doesn’t mean anything. It was a favour for a friend. So you’ve done everything perfectly in your life have you?
MIRANDA: That’s not the point. I can’t talk about this now.
Tries to slam the door but Gary is in the way
.
Can you please get out of the way so I can slam the door.
He steps inside. She slams the door.
You’re meant to be on the other side. We can’t even do arguing properly.
He starts to go. Miranda slams the door. But it catches him.
GARY: Ow!
MIRANDA: A real man wouldn’t have felt that.
Slams door.
Flops on the sofa. Close to tears.
I’m so tired but I’m too angry and upset to go to sleep…
Falls asleep.
INT. RESTAURANT (MORNING)
Miranda comes in.
Clive plays ‘Didn’t We Almost Have It All’.
MIRANDA: How long have you been hovering over that play button?
CLIVE: Forty minutes.
GARY: Morning.
MIRANDA: Morning.
A customer comes up to the bar to look at the menu.
(TO CUSTOMER) Oh yes they do a lovely breakfast here. Comes with egg, two sausages, and a green card.
They sit at the sofas where they sat at the top of the show.
GARY: Please tell me we can move on from this?
MIRANDA: Yes, I do want to move on from this…
GARY: Really? Thank you, thank you. Listen. Tamara’s gone. She thought it was best to get out of the way. I only didn’t tell you because…
MIRANDA: No, Gary wait… I’m moving on from you, us… I never know what you want – and when I finally thought that you knew, there was some massive lie.
(CLOSE TO TEARS) And I can’t handle it. You know so… you’ll never get to see my naked sweep.
Gary sighs, upset/angry, gets up.
Sorry.
GARY: (ANNOYED) What is this? (RE SOMETHING BEHIND THE BAR THAT IS IN HIS WAY)
CLIVE: Tamara left it for the restaurant. An apology gift.
Hands Gary a big canvas. He puts it standing against a chair and stares at it. We don’t see the picture.
GARY: Wow. So that’s your naked sweep…
Miranda sees it.
MIRANDA: Ah. No. Gary don’t look. Don’t. No.
Stevie and Penny walk in.
What’s everyone doing here? Nobody look.
Miranda dives under a table.
(TO CAMERA) Well this is a new low.
The Tony Hart Gallery music starts.
You have been watching comes up on the screen:
Miranda Hart under the table.
We pan along the others, all staring at the picture.
