by Miranda Hart
They don’t wave, or look to camera, we just see their reactions to the painting.
Tom Ellis: looking appreciatively.
Patricia Hodge: squinting, she puts her glasses on and screams.
Sarah Hadland: looking through her fingers
James Holmes: in hysterics
BUILDER: Nice undulations.
Miranda looks shocked to camera.
Series Two, Episode Four:
Behind the Scenes Tit-Bits
Paul Kerensa, one of the writers who helps with gags at the end of the writing process, came up with the cut away of Miranda and Stevie playing ‘Where’s Miranda?’ He and I had no idea that it would end up with teenagers playing their own version of Where’s X? in shopping centres in various British cities. I love that! And I am very grateful to Paul for that gag. Over the three series I had to come up with way too many flashbacks of games and competitions for Miranda and Stevie.
Anna Chancellor is one of my favourite actresses and getting her to play the art teacher was a massive boost for us all.
We had a debate whether we should see the nude picture of me at the end of the episode or not. I am very glad we didn’t for mine and the nation’s sake.
My favourite line to say in this episode: ‘But it’s nearly nine. Four words: Rush. Home. For. Poirot.’ I get it quoted at me a lot, which reassures me I am not the only one who likes to be sofa- or bed-bound by 9 p.m.
For me, the Gary character comes alive for the first time in this episode. He is no longer just a foil for Miranda and no longer just a super nice guy. Tom always made him more dimensional than he was on the page. But I finally nailed Gary in the writing in this episode.
Series Two, Episode Five
Just Act Normal
· · ·
As I said, the sitcom is very much episodic, apart from the will-they-won’t-they through line, so each show feels like a very different beast and that makes it hard to have favourites. However, if you put a gun to my head (and please don’t) and asked me which I would plump for (good word, plump) I would have to say, this is my favourite.
Because I had lumped (good word, lump) so much in to the other episodes of Series Two there was a ‘missing sixth episode’. The Gary and Miranda story worked over five episodes not six and there weren’t many Post-It note ideas left on the office wall. I had the idea of Miranda and Penny in a therapist’s office. But just as a scene. Then writer Richard Hurst persuaded me that it could sustain a whole ‘bottle’ episode. Sitcoms set in one room are known as bottle episodes. I was hesitant but then we began to talk about what could happen, how the mother and daughter relationship could be explored comedically and I got a little excited. It also meant less story. Hurrah. Fewer graphs, less of a house of cards. We still had to make sure things happened and there was some kind of story and tension there, but it was one linear plot. I then had the freedom to write considerably more dialogue and jokes for the characters rather than being held prisoner by a complex set of scenes all serving a particular purpose, as in other episodes. Stop press: don’t choke on your donut or whatever snack of choice you are indulging in, but I think I may have actually enjoyed writing this episode.
The director, Juliet May, got very excited about it when she read it. She thought it really could work. But as we went in to rehearsals we all became a little jittery. We were basically doing a one-act play on television. And never more has the studio audience sitcom been presented so crudely as the tricky beast it is than for this episode. This leads me nicely, almost as if I had planned it, in to telling you: How a Studio Audience Sitcom is Made.
We recorded in front of the audience on Sunday nights. We do a five day week so this meant meeting on Wednesday morning at 9 a.m. sharp to do the read-through. Actors and crew have all had the scripts before the read-through, but only four days before we are recording are we sitting down to read it through together for the first time. There will then be a script meeting with the script editor, producer and director. We will iron out any story issues, listen to any producer concerns, and cut out some of the stuff that we didn’t have time for. It’s always easier to wait to hear the actors read it before you decide which is the weaker dialogue and which jokes to delete. After giving the actors the changes, we start rehearsing. This will be at about 11.30 a.m. on Wednesday. At this point I have to take a deep breath and not start fretting and clock-watching. But you can’t help but be aware that we have three days to rehearse a half-hour piece of television. It’s not a one-off live play in front of 350 people. It’s a one-off live play in front of 350 people that will be recorded for television, that will then be your legacy on screen forever more. Very deep breath and we start at the beginning and block through the episode on day one.
We call it Funny Wednesday. Everyone is enjoying the lines, embellishing, making suggestions, we get the giggles, we are deeply concentrated on the director’s blocking, it’s a fun day. Then Thursday comes. We have all had a night on our own to go over our lines and question our abilities as performers, we have all done the scenes twice over already, it doesn’t feel funny any more. And then we all remind each other – this happens every Thursday. It’s unfunny Thursday. It just feels unfunny. Just go through the motions, learn, keep blocking it and try not to worry. The next morning you wake up to Funny Friday. The adrenalin is running now, you are off script, you have to find the funny again. This is our last day to rehearse and the executives and all the crew are coming in to watch at 2 p.m. It’s a frantic morning. The crew rehearsal is always agony. We run it from beginning to end in the rehearsal room with the mocked out sets and limited props and furniture. And we all tend to feel like children doing a terrible play to our parents. The crew are focusing on their scripts and what their job will be on the night of the record. People aren’t really watching it as a show so there isn’t always laughter because of that. But EVERY Friday we huddle in a paranoia of actors – which I think should be the collective noun for actors, or the me me me of actors – afterwards all thinking ‘But my bit didn’t get a laugh’, ‘We are going to die in front of that audience’, ‘I cocked that line up again, I am never going to get it right on the night’. Pathetic beasts, we are. We get our notes from the execs, make a few changes and that’s it. We may do a few line runs on the Saturday. But Saturday we are in the studio pre-recording some things we can’t do in front of the audience. For example, things that might involve animals (the goat). Or things that are very messy like Miranda and Stevie eating jelly with boxing gloves. Or things that are massive costume changes that we won’t have time to do on the night. Like Stevie falling in to a bubble bath.
And then it’s Sunday. And for the first time we are rehearsing with the cameras. We start at 9 a.m. and the audience comes in at 7 p.m. Again you are hit in the face by the frankly insane pressure there is to make television this way. We have just the day to rehearse it on the right set, getting our moves perfect so the cameras catch us correctly, finalise plotting the camera script – which camera shoots who and what angle, make sure the jokes work on camera, a dress rehearsal at 4 p.m., a brief 45 minute break at 6 p.m. then make up checks and we are in front of the audience, doing three takes maximum per scene. Usually only two. A half-hour sitcom takes about three hours to record. It’s fast paced. And a bit like running a marathon to perform solidly for three hours.
But when you hear the first laugh you remember this is the ultimate. Theatre on television. And my style of comedy, for this sitcom at least, needs an audience. You need to punctuate the lines with a laugh, the rhythm of the dialogue needs to be performed to an audience otherwise it doesn’t have the same energy and resonance of delivery. We hear a laugh and everything from the week is forgiven. We’re off.
INT. THERAPIST’S OFFICE
The (private) therapist’s room is very big and quite smart. It has a desk with big, high backed wheely chair – which you can lean back in.
There is a sofa facing the desk with little tables on either side. There are
an unnecessary amount of other occasional tables and chairs (another desk chair that has adjustable settings, rocking chair).
There are bookshelves and a table behind the sofa stacked with magazines, and tea/coffee making facitilies.
There is a water cooler and a filing cabinet and a few things that make it look officey, but essentially it has a smart drawing-room effect with lots of pictures and ornaments.
Miranda is sitting in a rocking chair. She is looking smarter than normal.
MIRANDA: (TO CAMERA) Well hello to you. Now, for the eagle-eyed amongst you, you’ll see I’m not at home. I’m actually at a psychiatrist’s office. For those who said ‘about time’, rude. No I’m not here for a session as such but um… well I can’t explain now – sorry I’m feeling a bit anxious. I’m not sure I should have chosen the rocking chair. It’s meant to be relaxing but um… if you get the speed wrong you look a bit manic. (DEMOS) Right, let’s all just calm down shall we and crack on with the show…
OPENING TITLES
INT. THERAPIST’S OFFICE
Miranda is pacing nervously. Penny comes in.
PENNY: That was a lovely loo. I do like a nice loo. Lovely soap. Smell my hands.
MIRANDA: I don’t want to smell your hands.
PENNY: Smell them!
Penny puts them by Miranda’s nose who bats them away.
MIRANDA: Get off!
PENNY: (PEERING OUT OF DOOR) He was still on the phone. Should be here in a mo.
Miranda goes to get some water from the water cooler.
MIRANDA: Sounds like a fart in a bath. (LAUGHS)
Penny looks disapproving. Miranda stops laughing.
Miranda then realises the water tap is stuck and water keeps pouring out.
Oh, oh help! The tap’s stuck, quick!
PENNY: Oh for goodness’ sake.
MIRANDA: Get me another cup.
She does.
Get another one…
PENNY: There aren’t any more.
Miranda starts filling the cup and drinking. Penny is trying to stop the tap – general faffing.
MIRANDA: Find a bin!
Penny grabs a bin and holds it up.
PENNY: Here we are.
MIRANDA: That’s wicker. It’s wicker.
Water is going everywhere.
Hold this. Drink that.
Penny tries to fiddle with the tap.
MIRANDA: I’ve found a receptacle.
Miranda gets his briefcase from the desk and starts filling that up with water.
Penny manages to unplug the tap and the water stops.
MIRANDA: Oh I’ve got water in his case!
Miranda starts to drink from his briefcase to remove evidence.
Suddenly he (Anthony, the therapist) comes in. Anthony is dapper, high status, aged 40s/50s.
MIRANDA/PENNY: Hello.
PENNY: You must be Doctor Hopkins… good afternoon…
Anthony walks to his desk.
Miranda puts his briefcase back.
MIRANDA: Good afternoon, sorry, I was just drinking from your briefcase, which might sound a little odd, it’s just I’d wet the floor. You know, I hadn’t wee-ed on it.
PENNY: (SOTTO VOCE) Will you shut up.
(TO ANTHONY) Sorry. Now I just want to say, that we’re not here for a session. It was all a silly misunderstanding. There was a little, what I call, incident, which the police unnecessarily got involved in. It’s a long story, we won’t bore you. But to stop Miranda being arrested and charged, I said she was… (MIMES MAD) one pashmina short of a wardrobe.
MIRANDA: I’m not.
PENNY: She’s not. But the police insisted we get an assessment from a psychiatrist…
MIRANDA: That’s you.
They curtsey.
PENNY: That’s you. They initially put me in touch with one on the (MOUTHED) NHS. Well I said, I’m not going (MOUTHED) NHS, thank you very much. I mean, what are we, crack whores?
Miranda looks surprised at her.
So, we just need to sit here for a session, to tell them we’ve been. Well obviously. I like to think on first meeting one can tell I am of sound mind. I mean I vote Conservative and my tea of choice is Lapsang Souchong, need I say more. (LAUGHS CHARMINGLY) So, can we sit anywhere?
MIRANDA: We don’t need a session. So, can we sit anywhere?
Anthony just gestures towards the chairs.
MIRANDA: Wait, wait mum. There are so many chairs it might be a psychological test which chair we plump for? Ooh, that’s a good word, ‘plump’. Plump.
(TO ANTHONY) Plump.
(TO CAMERA) Plump.
PENNY: Just sit down.
She sits on the sofa.
MIRANDA: You have a lot o’chairs.
Sees a chair.
MIRANDA: Is this one of those ergonomic ones is it?
Sits on it, fiddles with a lever and the chair rises up much higher.
MIRANDA: Up she goes.
Then she pushes the lever and the chair goes down again.
Penny gives her a withering look.
There is a silence.
Anthony looks at them blankly.
And down she blows. (LAUGHS) Oh it’s a lovely chair isn’t it?
Spins around and waves at Anthony.
Hello.
She pushes herself across the room ending up by a sideboard.
Comes across a plastic pot of flowers.
She pushes a button and the flowers start turning and play music.
MIRANDA: Oh, oh it doesn’t stop. It’s one of those, you have to wait sorry. I’ll just have to let it go.
Starts dancing a little to it.
PENNY: Oh, (STARTS MOVING) such fun.
Mranda dances a bit more. It suddenly stops.
MIRANDA: Oh, comes to a very sudden end.
(TO FLOWERS) You made me look like a fool.
Penny beckons Miranda over to the sofa to sit with her.
PENNY: (SOTTO VOICE TO MIRANDA)
For goodness’ sake, just act normal.
MIRANDA: It’s nigh on impossible to act normal when you’re trying to act normal. I’m so self-conscious. I don’t know how to sit. Hands on knees (DEMOS). Legs crossed? Legs apart? Sort of feel like I’ve got too many legs.
Miranda wriggles in chair and ends up in a very awkward position.
PENNY: How is that normal?
MIRANDA: It’s too hard. Psychiatrist is staring at us and not talking.
PENNY: (TO ANTHONY) Hello again.
MIRANDA: Hello!
PENNY: Perhaps we should explain why we’re here, in case you were thinking us a little, what I call, odd. Simple story.
MIRANDA: You see I was at an ice cream van in a park, and this kid ran over my foot with his wheely trainers and I dropped my ice cream.
PENNY: She overreacted and got cross with this little boy…
MIRANDA: Overreacted? I could see my dollop, another excellent word, dollop… of freshly whipped ninety-nine was in the dirt – that’s an upsetting situation for anyone. Overreacted. Has the world gone mad?
PENNY: She demanded that the little boy get her a new ice cream, and he exploded into tears just as this very charming man was jogging past…
MIRANDA: He wasn’t that charming.
PENNY: He was charming enough for you, (AGGRESSIVELY TO MIRANDA) in that he was a man with a pulse. (CHARMINGLY TO ANTHONY) Anyway, the man stopped to see if everything was all right.
MIRANDA: And to explain why I was cross with this little boy I told a little lie and said that I was his teacher.
PENNY: Anyway, suddenly the twenty-nine other children from this boy’s class appeared demanding ice creams.
MIRANDA: Which I had to get them because I was ‘the teacher’.
PENNY: And then the man jogged on… I said to Miranda, quick jog after him, keep chatting I’ll get the ice creams (LAUGHS).
MIRANDA: But I didn’t follow him.
PENNY: No she didn’t jog after him, then the real teacher appeared wanting to know
why I was buying twenty-nine ice creams for children I’d never met. So we ran, well galloped…
Miranda and Penny demo.
MIRANDA: We galloped… cos it’s fun isn’t it? It’s fun to gallop. And the children followed us.
PENNY: The children followed and then the teacher thought Miranda was trying to kidnap them. Unfortunately there was a policeman in the area who became very suspicious.
MIRANDA: Not helped by the fact that the ice cream van was following us because we forgot to pay for the ice creams.
PENNY: Anyway, to cut a long story short, once the armed response team had been stood down, we had to go to the station where I explained that Miranda was one stick short of a lolly… didn’t take much convincing.
Pointing at Miranda.
MIRANDA: They thought it was hereditary…
Pointing at Penny.
So they let us off as long as we had an assessment.
PENNY: So you see we just need to sit here for the session. We don’t need a, what I call, assessment.
MIRANDA: Well it’s also what I call an assessment isn’t it.
(TO CAMERA) We all call it an assessment. An assessment is an assessment.
(TO ANTHONY) You’d call it an assessment if you spoke.
Miranda gets up and wanders around the office.
She comes across a china duck.
MIRANDA: (TO THE DUCK) Hello, how are you? Quack, quack – oh really, you are funny.
She notices the therapist looking at her and clocks camera worried.
(TO CAMERA) Really shouldn’t do things like that in front of a psychiatrist.
On a shelf behind Anthony’s desk are some Russian dolls.
MIRANDA: Ooh I like these.
She removes each of them.
Hello I’m the mammoth one. Hello I’m the average one. And bonjourno I’m the tiny one.
Miranda bangs the top and bottom half of the Russian doll together. It sounds like horses hooves.
Miranda, whilst Anthony is not looking, gallops behind his desk making the hoof noise.
