by Miranda Hart
As he turns she stops and puts them down. Miranda picks up a telescope.
Do you have a naval background? (IN PIRATE VOICE) Ahargh me hearties.
She looks in it.
We suddenly see a massive Penny.
Miranda screams.
We see that Penny has approached Miranda.
She grabs the telescope, and walks Miranda back to the sofa.
PENNY: (SOTTO VOCE) You are coming across as nutty. I will not have him thinking that we have got problems. Look at him, poised to write in his pad.
They smile at him.
Just sit quietly. It’s not for long. Act normal.
MIRANDA: I was being normal.
PENNY: You were being a horse with a Russian doll.
MIRANDA: I’m thirsty.
Looks at water cooler.
PENNY: Don’t. Have some coffee.
Penny reads. Miranda gets a cup of coffee from the table behind the sofa.
She presses down the coffee flask.
MIRANDA: Ooh, it’s a very confident jet isn’t it? – Sort of a bit like a horse weeing. A horse has a very brazen wee.
Off Penny’s look.
Sorry.
(TO ANTHONY) Sorry.
(TO CAMERA) Sorry.
She goes to sit down with her cup.
ANTHONY: So…
Penny and Miranda scream.
Miranda spills coffee on her lap. She leaps up.
MIRANDA: Oooh, hot coffee, hot coffee, hot coffee in sensitive parts. And I hate a wet pant. I’m going to have to take my trousers off…
PENNY: (TO ANTHONY) I’m so sorry…
She gets the throw on the back of the sofa.
MIRANDA: I shall use this as a sarong if I may.
ANTHONY: That’s quite an expensive silk-mix throw.
MIRANDA: Well a pair of tough titties to you sir. I’m not wandering around in my pants. And if you say you’d rather that than me wearing your silk-mix throw, then you are dirty.
In a deft move, she puts the throw round her waist and takes her trousers off.
She hangs her trousers up to dry. And comes back, showing off her sarong.
MIRANDA: (SUDDENLY BREAKS INTO HAWAIIAN DANCE)
Hula hula! Hula hula! Hula hula!
Laughs.
Cos of the sarong.
Anthony picks up his pen.
ANTHONY: So Miranda. Question?
MIRANDA: (SINGING) Tell me what you think about me… Beyonce…
ANTHONY: Question…
MIRANDA: Tell me how you think about this… sorry that’s quite hard not to do actually.
ANTHONY: Interesting. You seem to be avoiding the question. So Miranda, do you often lie?
MIRANDA: No.(TO CAMERA) I just did.
PENNY: You are so kind to show an interest, but there’s nothing to discuss. We’re only here so we can say that we’ve been. I’ll pay of course. In fact, how much do you charge?
Gets out her cheque book.
ANTHONY: It’s two hundred pounds.
MIRANDA / PENNY: Two hundred pounds!
Beat
Two hundred pounds!
Beat.
They look at each other.
They look back at him.
Two hundred pounds!
MIRANDA: Should have gone on the (MOUTHED) NHS. For two hundred pounds you should ask him why you mouth (MOUTHED) certain words. Although usually you get them the wrong way round.
PENNY: What do you mean?
MIRANDA: Well the other day at the surgery you said, Wendy has been (MOUTHED) diagnosed (NORMALLY) clinically obese. She heard.
PENNY: Well you mouth words. Say sex.
MIRANDA: (MOUTHED) Sex. Psychiatrist present.
They smile at him.
ANTHONY: So is there anything you’d like to talk about to make use of this time?
MIRANDA: No, no.
PENNY: Oh, no, no. We don’t want to start talking about our childhoods. Particularly Miranda’s. Such an ugly baby. (LAUGHS) Her father suggested we put the babygrows on upside down. (LAUGHS) Such fun.
ANTHONY: Do you want to talk about that, Miranda?
MIRANDA: No, no, don’t want to talk childhood, ‘Oh, she got rid of my dog when I was eleven’. Although she did.
PENNY: Well, it kept poo-ing in the house.
MIRANDA: Only because you didn’t let her out regularly for, what I call, poo-portunities. I could blame you for…
PENNY: Psychiatrist present.
They smile at him. A beat. Penny looks at her watch.
Penny takes out a tissue.
Miranda starts wriggling on the sofa.
PENNY: What’s the problem?
MIRANDA: I’ve got an awkward itch. I’m going to have to do a fast walk to get rid of it.
She does so in a circle around the room. Then gallops.
That’s got it.
Anthony looks up.
Sorry I was just having a little wander around.
Miranda finishes her circular walk.
Beat.
We get people in our shop who do a little circular walk like that – we like to call it the sweep browse. You know when you come in to a shop and you immediately think, ‘Oh no this isn’t what I was expecting, there’s nothing here that I want’, but I can’t suddenly leave cos that would look rude. So I have to do this sort of (DEMOS) ‘Oh that’s nice’ and then go. The sweep browse (DEMOS).
Beat.
Good word, browse. Browse.
Pause.
MIRANDA: Browse. Yeah she’s a lovely word. See her as a female word. Thurst – male word. The queen of all words of course, moist. The king of all words – plinth. (BEAT) Imagine a moist plinth. Lovely.
PENNY: Do you think you could stop talking at some point?
MIRANDA: Yes. Easy.
She starts humming.
PENNY: No humming.
She stops humming and starts whistling.
No whistling.
Miranda starts to mime singing.
Miranda looks from side to side.
PENNY: No playing eyeball tennis.
Miranda does an ‘ooooh’ face to camera.
Penny yawns, Miranda yawns. Beat. Anthony yawns.
MIRANDA: Oh dear, we’re in a yawn loop.
Penny starts to yawn.
Don’t yawn. Oh no.
Miranda yawns.
Anthony yawns. They all yawn.
PENNY: And now we’re all yawning.
Miranda puts her coffee cup back.
Then Anthony writes in his pad.
Penny stands up shocked. They are panicked.
PENNY: (TO ANTHONY) What are you writing down? And about whom?
(TO MIRANDA) Act normal.
He continues to write.
MIRANDA: Stop saying that I’m just standing here.
Anthony stops writing and puts his pad down.
Anthony goes to look at a book and stands by a shelf.
PENNY: (WHISPERING) Who does he think he is? Thinking that we’ve got problems. He’s a (MOUTHED) complete (LOUDLY) bastard.
MIRANDA: Wrong way round.
PENNY: Go and find out what he’s written.
MIRANDA: Good idea. Cover me.
Anthony is still standing with his back to the room reading.
Miranda dives down, rolls on to the floor and pops up by the desk.
Miranda pops her head up above the table to have a look at the pad but Anthony is about to turn back.
PENNY: (SUDDENLY SHOUTS) Me! Me! Look at me! Me.
Anthony turns to her.
(SINGING) Me and my girl… meant for each other…
Miranda creeps back behind Anthony.
(SINGING) Sent for each other, and liking it so…
MIRANDA / PENNY: (SINGING) Me and my girl, no use pretending. We knew the ending a long time ago.
They bow.
PENNY: Just a bit of Noel Gay…
They sit down.
MIRANDA: I couldn’t read it. It was in shorthand
.
PENNY: (SUDDENLY LOUDLY/CROSS) Well if you’d concentrated more at secretarial college…
MIRANDA: Oh, here we go. (TO ANTHONY) This is the kind of thing… (CROSS) I didn’t want to go to secretarial college.
PENNY: You can’t be happy running a joke shop.
MIRANDA: Joke slash gift. And yes I am happy.
PENNY: Thirty-five, running a joke shop…
MIRANDA: Joke slash gift!
PENNY: No wonder you can’t get a man.
MIRANDA: I had a man. Nearly. (TO ANTHONY) Gary. But the idiot messed that up. I don’t want to talk about him. I’ve moved on.
ANTHONY: Is that true?
MIRANDA: Absolutely yes. I don’t think about him. Don’t miss him. No. I mean if you’re asking me if I act out imaginary conversations with him using a painted plate on top of a mop, then no.
Clocks camera.
We hear a knocking on the door.
ANTHONY: Come in?
Gary pops his head around.
PENNY: Talk of the devil. What are you doing here?
GARY: Sorry, Stevie told me you were here. Look I know you are in the middle of something but I just couldn’t wait to see you, Miranda.
He comes over to Miranda and pulls her up from the sofa.
I can’t handle it if you’ll never forgive me, I can’t get you out of my mind. I’m in love with you.
He gives her an incredibly romantic, gentle kiss with his hands on her face.
We see Miranda smile/nearly weep.
He gets down on one knee as if to propose.
Miranda, will you…?
We then jump cut to Miranda with the same face, sitting where she was before, it was a fantasy.
PENNY: (OOV) Miranda?
MIRANDA: Ummm… yes, no don’t think about him. Don’t miss him. (TO PENNY) And my shop is enough of a career.
PENNY: Well, if you call wasting your life a career.
MIRANDA: (REALLY ANGRY) What I call a waste of life is you wasting your life worrying about me wasting my life!
ANTHONY: I think we’re making progress.
PENNY: We are not making progress! We don’t need progress or a session. (ANGRY AT MIRANDA) Act normal!
ANTHONY: Maybe it might help if you saw things from each other’s perspective. Perhaps try a bit of role play – Miranda as Penny, Penny as Miranda…
MIRANDA: (STILL FURIOUS) Fine. Good idea.
(IMPRESSION) Oh hello everyone…
ANTHONY: Haven’t quite explained…
MIRANDA: …don’t I look marvellous…
ANTHONY: Right.
MIRANDA: …look at me please, I want be the centre of, what I call, attention. Now, gossip for you, Geoffrey Warburton has been (MOUTHED) paying for (NORMALLY) prostitutes. Rah rah rah this is talking without actually saying anything rah ra radiddy rah, snorty laugh, hair flick, hair flick, keeping up appearances rah rah rah (LAUGHS.) Envy me, envy me…
Looks smugly at Penny.
ANTHONY: I didn’t just mean insulting each other…
PENNY: (FURIOUS IMPRESSION) Well hello, I’m Miranda…
ANTHONY: Oh dear.
PENNY: I’ll just waddle over here.
Starts walking like Miranda.
And waste more of my life.
Looking at a picture of plums.
Ooh, you’ve got nice plums, as it very much were.
She does a cheeky grin to camera.
(TO CAMERA) Aren’t I naughty?
Miranda looks shocked. Clocks camera herself.
Oh, look there’s Gary, (WALKING AGAIN) isn’t he delicious, but not as delicious as this pie…
MIRANDA: Excuse me what was that walk?
PENNY: It’s a lollop.
MIRANDA: I do not lollop.
PENNY: You lollop. You are one of life’s lollopers. You should be a lollopop lady. (LAUGHS)
MIRANDA: Wait for it.
PENNY: Such fun.
MIRANDA: There it goes. (IMPERSONATING PENNY) Such fun! Have you met my daughter Miranda? I have no respect for any of her life choices… and at Easter we give her a rice cake hunt instead of a chocolate egg hunt, such fun.
PENNY: (IMPERSONATING MIRANDA) I’m Miranda and although my mother has done everything possible to improve my life I’m incredibly ungrateful. And very clumsy. Oh look, here I go falling over again.
Penny falls over onto the sofa.
ANTHONY: Well that was all very interesting.
PENNY: (TO MIRANDA) This is exactly what wasn’t meant to happen. We’ve just got to sit here for a few more minutes – he’ll refer us for more sessions if we’re not careful.
PENNY / MIRANDA: Best behaviour.
They smile at Anthony. He smiles back.
A pause.
Miranda sees a bowl of fruit.
MIRANDA: Is that real fruit?
ANTHONY: What do you mean?
MIRANDA: I mean, is that fruit real?
(TO CAMERA) I don’t know how to make it clearer.
PENNY: Is this fruit part of the two hundred pounds.
MIRANDA / PENNY: Two hundred pounds?!
ANTHONY: I suppose it is in a sense, yes.
PENNY: Oh well in that case.
She goes to get the fruit bowl and tips the whole lot in her bag.
Excuse me.
Miranda goes to her bag.
She gets out some food – scotch eggs, sandwiches and crisps and lays it on the floor.
Penny is staring at her.
ANTHONY: May I ask what you’re doing?
MIRANDA: I’m playing a round of golf. (LAUGHS)
(TO CAMERA) It’s funny because I’m not.
(TO ANTHONY) Having a picnic. Do you mind?
PENNY: What are you doing?
MIRANDA: Washing an elephant. LAUGHS (TO CAMERA) Did it again. (TO PENNY) I’m having a spot o lunch.
PENNY: (CROSS) You see this is the kind of the thing…
MIRANDA: I can explain. I got up a bit late today and for breakfast all there was, was a tea cake, so I had that. And then I was still hungry by late noon, so had a sausage sandwich, which was a kind of breakfast, so now I’ve got out of sync and owe myself a lunch. (TO ANTHONY) I’d offer you something, but I don’t share food as a rule. Freaks me right out.
PENNY: (CROSS) You see this is the kind of the thing… always been obsessed with food.
MIRANDA: (GETTING CROSS NOW TOO) I’m not obsessed with food.
Reaches into her bag and pulls out an entire roast chicken.
PENNY: And this from the woman who when mistaken for being pregnant, joined the local mothers-to-be group, because, and I quote, ‘They have free tea and biscuits and people randomly feel my breasts, it’s the best fun I’ve ever had’.
MIRANDA: Mum you’re making me sound weird.
PENNY: You’re the one sitting on a psychiatrist’s floor having a picnic lunch at four in the afternoon.
MIRANDA: Fine. I shall eat it later.
Miranda packs everything back into her bag.
I’ll just…
Miranda tears a leg off the chicken before putting it away.
Anthony offers her a box of tissues to wipe her greasy hands.
MIRANDA: Actually that would be very… Can be a bit sticky can’t they?
Miranda comes over to the desk. Wipes her hands – and sees his phone on the desk. It’s a really high-tech phone with remote control head piece.
Oooh, nice equipment, if you pardon the uh… (SPEAKS IN TO HEAD SET) ten-four, copy that, I’m on my way for the drop off.
A beat.
FEMALE VOICE (FROM PHONE): Can I help with anything?
Miranda jumps.
Chicken leg flies out of her hand.
Doctor – Mrs Hawtry is here. And is everything OK?
MIRANDA: (TO ANTHONY) Can I?
(PRESSING PHONE TO TALK TO HER) Now listen carefully, we’ve taken Dr Hopkins hostage, we need half a million pounds and if someone comes in this room, we’ll blow their brains out.
PENNY: Hang on, did she say Mrs Hawtry? Excuse me. (TO PHONE) Hello. This is very important. Does Mrs Hawtry have a loud cardigan and a red gin nose?
FEMALE VOICE: Umm… yes.
PENNY: (TO PHONE) That will be all.
(TO MIRANDA) Mrs Hawtry is president of the parish mixed doubles. I cannot let her see me leaving a therapist’s office.
Goes to the window. Checks it opens.
We’ll have to climb out of the window at the end. She’s the one who saw you buying the Guardian. That was embarrassing enough. I will not have it going around the tennis club that we’ve got issues.
MIRANDA: We don’t. You’ve got issues.
PENNY: Excuse me, who was the one who presented three chocolate willies at the harvest festival. Let’s not start.
MIRANDA: Fine.
Miranda hulas to the sofa. They sit down.
Miranda gets her phone and sends a text.
Penny looks at her watch.
A beat.
She looks at the phone.
Oh no (TO CAMERA IN A PANIC). I’ve sent the text I was going to send to Stevie, about Mum, to Mum.
Penny’s phone gets a text.
Ah.
She dives to Penny’s bag.
PENNY: What are you doing?
Penny reaches in her coat pocket and gets her mobile out.
Looks at text.
PENNY: Oh, it’s a text from you. (READS IT) Stuck with Mum. Hell on earth. Prepare many drinks.
Miranda looks panicked to camera.
Anthony looks intrigued.
ANTHONY: Interesting.
MIRANDA: Doesn’t mean anything does it? Mothers are just annoying. For no real reason. ‘Oh darling you’ve got a new coat’. Annoying. Don’t know why. I love you. (PATS PENNY’S ARM) Nothing personal.
PENNY: (BEAT) So Doctor, tell me, are you married?
MIRANDA: Annoyed again. (CROSS) You’re clearly asking on my behalf.
PENNY: (CROSS) I’m simply making conversation. (BEAT) And he’s a very handsome man in a very highly paid profession.
MIRANDA: (MORE HET UP) I knew it, you see this is exactly the kind of thing…
PENNY: (CROSS) No, no I can explain. When you have a daughter who has never had boyfriends…
MIRANDA: I’ve had boyfriends.
PENNY: How many times, being flashed at does not constitute a relationship. She needs a little bit of help.
