Close To Falling

by Paige P. Horne

  ***

  Barbecues at Frankie’s were epic. Frankie would invite the whole neighborhood, and we kids would secretly steal beer from the adults’ cooler. Steaks, ribs, chicken, and whatever else you wanted would be smoked, and it was summertime goodness. Once the Barbecue Master, aka Frankie, would put on his cooking apron, it was a done deal. Beer in hand, he could cook the best barbecue in the neighborhood.

  “River, you and B go get some charcoal!” Frankie yells to us from inside the house. I’m posted up on the outdoor table, painting my toenails while River has been telling me jokes from some book he bought. Landon has already been sent to the store to get plates and napkins. I guess Frankie forgot he needed fuel for the fire.

  “Why is air like sex?” funny boy asks me. I look over at him, mid-swipe of my nail polish.

  “Um, I have no idea,” I say.

  “Because it’s no big deal, unless you’re not getting any.” He smirks, and I kind of laugh.

  “That was dumb.”

  “You think so?” he asks me, all serious.

  “Yeah, I think so,” I say, rolling my eyes. In my peripheral vision, I notice him put the book down and lean up in his seat, watching me paint my last toe.

  “You ever had sex, Maddie?” he asks, and I look up.

  “That would be none of your business,” I answer, putting the brush back into the bottle.

  “Come on. You can tell me.” He’s green eyes narrowed and nosy.

  “Yes, I have,” I lie because I don’t need him picking on me about being a virgin.

  He gets an icy look in his eyes, and I have to look away because I didn’t expect that––disappointment and something else I can’t point out. I look down at my toes and scrape off the polish that got on my skin.

  “With whom?” he asks a minute later.

  “I’m not telling you.”

  “Tell me, B.”

  “No,” I say, jumping down from the table and carefully sliding my flip-flops back on.

  “Maddie, tell me,” he says, standing up, too.

  “Why do you care anyway?” I ask, hand on hip. He lifts his hat on his head and runs a hand through his hair.

  “I care,” he says, walking closer to me. He looks at me, and I see his jaw tick before he places his hat on backward. He looks good with a hat on. Frankie walks out to his grill and opens the lid.

  “What the hell are you kids still doing here? We got a grill to get started. Go get the charcoal,” he tells us as he pops a beer open. I’m still looking at River. “And grab another bag of ice,” Frankie says after he takes a sip from his can.

  ***

  “So, you lied to River about having sex?” Ellie asks.

  “I didn't want to hear his mouth. Believe me, he would have picked on me for days.”

  “Regardless, the thought of you having sex with someone seemed to upset him.”

  “Yeah,” I agree, tossing the grass I’d been torturing. The sky grows darker, and I think it may rain.

  “You said you were drawing?”

  “Yeah,” I reply, looking back at her.

  “Any good at it?” she questions.

  “Depends on who you ask, I guess.” I shrug, like whatever.

  “I’m asking you.”

  “I don’t really do it anymore. I guess I used to be.”

  “Maybe you’ll pick it back up,” she replies softly. I don’t respond, and she tells me to continue.

  ***

  The party had been going on for a few hours, and I watched as the housewives of the neighborhood gossiped and sipped on cheap red wine. The men all stood by the grill and the hole in the ground, the fire pit, trading stories about their younger years and sucking beers down faster than I could keep count. Clear blue skies turned purple and pink as the sun set and my eyes wandered over to River. He had picked up a few friends, and by friends, I mean girls. I was fuming on the inside as I watched one of them flirt with him openly. Why I was mad, I don’t know.

  “Let’s walk down to the beach,” Cali says, obviously bored.

  “Can’t. It’s Frankie’s party,” I tell her as I wrap my hair up into a messy updo.

  “I got some more pills,” she whispers.

  “Give me one,” I tell her. She digs into her pocket and slides one into my hand.

  “Where do you keep getting these?”

  “Just a guy from school.” She shrugs. I grab my soda and look around before I throw the pill back. Taking a sip of my drink, I chase down an easy time, and my eyes look back over to River. Watching me closely, he ignores the girl who’s trying to be all over him. Looking away like the girl doesn’t bother me, I stretch out onto the lounge chair, watching the treetops sway in the summer wind, waiting for my high.

  Chapter Five

  I twirl my long ponytail around my finger and pop big bubbles with the gum I dug out of my pocket. It’s Friday, and the first day back to school. I’m seated in class, waiting for the bell to ring. Tick-tock. Tick-tock. I watch the big hand move inch by inch on the bland, black and white clock. Strumming my pencil on my textbook, I blow another bubble and slouch down in my desk before propping my feet up on the one in front of me.

  “Any parties this weekend?” I hear Mikey ask. He’s been two seats in front of me all year and always falls asleep during class.

  “I think there’s one out at Kelley’s parents’ land,” Tuck, the star of the football team, responds.

  “Didn’t her parents get busted for letting kids drink underage?” Amber, the fiery redhead, asks. She’s also the head of the debate team and can be a pain in everyone's ass.

  “No, they didn’t,” I cut in, rolling my eyes.

  “I’m pretty sure they did,” she says with her nose in the air.

  “Have you ever even been out to Kelley’s?” I ask Mrs. Know-It-All.

  “Well, no, but that doesn’t mean I don’t know what’s going on,” she replies.

  “You going out there?” Mikey asks me, ignoring Amber.

  “I don’t know. I’ll ask the boys.” I hear the bell, and everyone jumps up like their pants are on fire. I do the same, though, and make my way to my locker.

  “Hey, Maddie, wait up.” Books in hand, I turn around at Mikey’s voice.

  “So, I kind of didn’t take any notes in Mr. Barnes’s class. Would it be cool if I borrowed yours?”

  “That’s probably because you were passed out,” I say with a smirk.

  He laughs. “Yeah, I just can’t stay awake in his class. His low, boring ass voice puts me to sleep every time!” he says it like it’s the most real thing ever. He is kind of right, though, so I throw him some slack. I pull out my notebook and hand it over.

  “Here, don’t lose it.”

  “Thanks, Maddie. You’re awesome,” he replies, smiling at me. And it’s a cute smile. “Hope to see you tonight,” he adds before he takes off toward his locker.

  “Um, yeah, that sounds good,” I say to no one, because he is gone and I look like an idiot standing in the hallway talking to myself. I shake my head and make my feet move.

  ***

  Leaning cool against his car, River blows smoke from his mouth, and I slide my shades on as I make my way toward him.

  “Good day?” he asks me.

  “Yeah, you?” I answer. He shrugs and opens his car door. I get in, feeling a chill and ready for anything. “So, I heard there was a party going on at Kelley’s tonight.”

  “Really?”

  “Yeah. You and Landon wanna go?”

  “That Mikey kid going?” he asks me, and I look over at him. One hand on the wheel, a white filter hanging loosely from his open mouth, he looks James Dean cool.

  “Yeah, he is. How would you even know that, though?” I ask.

  “Saw you and him in the hallway,” he tells me. “That why you wanna go?” Curiosity looks over at me, and I shrug.

  “Maybe,” I reply, biting my bottom lip.

  He eyes me and nods before he looks back at the road. A red flame
glows in my peripheral vision, and River rolls his window down before he flicks the cigarette out. I put my feet on the dash and smile when the blanket I’m getting used to covers me.

  ***

  I’m walking high beside my boys as we make our way up to the big house, out past Crystal Bay. Irritated that green eyes have been on me since we got home from school, I finally ask him what’s up.

  “What do you mean?” he asks.

  “You’ve been looking at me all afternoon. What’s your deal?”

  “No deal, B,” River says.

  “Don’t start, you two,” Landon cuts in. “I don’t want to have to go home early because you guys are arguing.”

  “We’re not arguing,” we both say at the same time, and I see Landon roll his eyes.

  “What’s up, Landon?” Kelley’s brother, Scott, says as we make our way onto the porch.

  “What’s up?” Landon replies. River nods, and I give a smile.

  “We’ll meet you inside,” River says to Landon, and he shocks the hell out of me when he grabs my hand. He drags me inside, and we round the corner to the side staircase where no one is.

  “What the hell?” I say, taking my hand back. River takes a deep breath and leans against the wall.

  “What have you been taking?”

  “What?” I ask.

  “You heard me, Maddie. What the fuck have you been taking?”

  “You’re annoying,” I say and start to walk away, but he grabs my arm and spins me around until my back is up against the wall instead of his. He puts his arm above my head and looks back and forth between my chestnut eyes.

  “You’re on something now.”

  “So?” I reply coolly.

  “So?” he says, shaking his head at me in disbelief.

  “Yeah, so,” I repeat. His eyes go down to my lips, and he gets closer to me. I feel my heart strain to beat faster, but the pills have chilled me out, so it’s just not happening. His breath lightly brushes against my face, and I swallow then close my eyes and wait.

  Please kiss me.

  But I feel him move away, and I open my eyes. Hurt a little and surely disappointed, I look down the hallway at people coming in.

  “Maddie, don’t let me hear about you taking anything else, and don’t let me catch you high like this again. Do you hear me?” he demands, looking at me like we aren’t at a party full of kids doing just that.

  “First off, River, you are not my father, and I can do whatever I like, just as you do. You will not tell me what to do. Do you hear me?” I spit back.

  He laughs once. “When I find out who’s giving you drugs, I’m going to break their fucking neck. You go right ahead and do whatever you like, B,” he says coldly before he walks away, leaving me standing in the hallway alone.

  ***

  “River wasn’t happy about you taking pills, I gather,” Ellie says.

  “You could say that,” I reply. “How about we pick up here tomorrow?” I say after I look at her clock and see that time has gotten away from us.

  “Tomorrow sounds good,” Ellie says, and I stand up. “Landon and Frankie are coming to visit you tomorrow, right?” she asks as she stands also.

  “Yes,” I say on a smile. I wish someone else was coming, too, but I know that’s not a possibility. Still, it hurts and talking about him all afternoon has done nothing for my mood.

  For the first time in a few days, I want something, but I try with everything in me to push it aside.

  ***

  After telling Ellie bye, I make my way to my room. Everyone hangs outside, smoking or in the social room, but I don’t smoke, and I really don’t feel like socializing, so to my room I go. Slipping off my shoes, I grab a book Ellie let me borrow and let my thumb skim through it. I lean in and inhale, letting the smell of paper fill my senses, and then run my hand down the pages. I walk over to my window cushion and climb up. Tucking my feet under me, I start the mystery book, and as my mind starts to drift into another reality, the rain starts to fall outside.

  Chapter Six

  Baby ducks swim in the big pond that surrounds the property, and the wind blows the tree branches around me. I fell asleep last night dreaming of unsolved crimes and wondering if a detective and a criminal were going to end up sleeping together. Ellie told me she liked mystery novels, but she didn’t mention they were romances also. Leaning down, I tie my dirty shoelaces and stretch my arms out in front of me. It's early morning, and the ground is still wet from the dew. I bring my coffee to my lips and smile as caramel macchiato flavored cream hits my tongue, and I swallow its goodness.

  “Good morning.” I turn and see a man several years older than my twenty-one. An unlit smoke between his lips, he's got a gray shirt on with lazy sweatpants and summertime flip-flops.

  “Morning,” I reply.

  “I’ve seen you around here,” he says,walking closer to me. I want to say a smart-ass comment, because today I'm struggling and I'm not in the mood, but I decide not to. You know, with the whole turning a new leaf thing I’ve got going on.

  “Yeah, I’ve been here for a few weeks now,” I respond, and I guess I should ask him how long he has been here,too, so I do. “What about you?” He’s even closer now and asks me if I mind if he has a seat. “Be my guest,” I say, moving over a tad. He pulls a lighter out of the pocket his hand was in and lights the end of his cigarette.

  Inhaling and putting the lighter back where it came from, he blows thick smoke out of his nose and mouth as he says, “Been here long enough.” Running a hand through his sleepy bed hair, he rests back on the bench I was sitting alone ononly a few minutes ago. “So, what are you here for?”

  “This and that,” I respond. He chuckles and hits his Red again.

  “You, too, huh?” he then says. We sit quiet for a while as he finishes his morning smoke, and I finish my coffee. Noticing we aren’t going to feed them, the ducks swim off, and I toss my cup into the trash beside me.

  “Name’s David.” He stretches his hand out. I look over at him and see he has some age around his blue eyes, and his arms are covered in colorful ink.

  “Maddie B,” I respond, putting my hand in his and giving it a firm shake, because Frankie says there ain’t nothing worse than a weak handshake.

  “You like to be called Maddie or B?” he asks.

  “Either or,” I respond,looking back at his arms. “You have a lot of tattoos,David.” He looks down at his arms and then puts his cigarette out.

  “Yeah,” he agrees.

  “Do they all mean something, or were they just spur-of-the-moment?” I ask.

  “Most of them have meanings. Some were drunk spur-of-the-moments.” He kinda laughs, but it's a sad laugh, filled with regret and wishes of do-overs. “This one was for the first time I got clean.” He points to the tattoo on his neck. It reads, "Being free doesn’t always mean being free."

  “What does that mean exactly?” I ask with a lift of my brow and a smirk on my lips.

  “You know that first hit of the drug, that first feeling of weightlessness? That you-can-do-anything high? All the stress leaves your body, and you’re flying. And, fuck, excuse my language,” he says, “but, fuck, it feels good.”

  I smirk. “Yeah, I think I’ve been on that ride.”

  “But it’s all an illusion,” he then says. “You’re hooked. The drug owns you inside and out. No matter how free you may feel in that moment, during that first rush, you’re not. You’re owned.” He bites down on his lip. Looking out at the water, I let his words sink in. Drugs are chains. They wrap around your soul, and every one you take, swallow, snort, shoot up, whatever your poison—another link is added until there are so many you can’t unravel it. It twists and tangles throughout your body, clinging on to everything inside of you, whispering in your mind, “Come on, just one. You won’t hurt anymore. You won’t feel all the guilt. You won’t care.” But after the high, the guilt is the only thing left behind.

  David tells me more about his tattoos, and I
realize he’s a storyteller, and as he lights another cigarette, I see he is a chain smoker also, but I don’t care. Cigarettes have never bothered me, and it’s nice to talk to someone who has heard the whispers, too. He lost everything to drugs and alcohol. His passion is playing the guitar and singing. He tells me in the rock-and-roll world sometimes passion can get swept to the side. You get lost in the parties and show of it all, and you forget why you were doing it in the first place.