“Continue,” Ellie says, rolling her eyes.
***
We sit in the sand around a fire that the boys started. Mikey sits down beside me as I let sand run through my hand. I hear loud yelling and look back toward the parking lot to see a bunch of kids jumping out of a car that looks like River’s.
“Looks like your crew showed up,” Mikey says, deadpan.
“Is that River?” I ask.
“Yeah, and Landon’s with him, too,” Cali says. I look back as a group of girls surround my boys and see River. He spots me, too, and I see his green eyes shift to Mikey. Cali jumps up.
“Hey, Landon.” She’s all chill and half-closed eyelids, and regardless of the girl on Landon, she wraps him in a hug. Joint behind his ear and bad intentions in his eyes, River walks up with a summertime blonde.
“What’s up, Mikey?” he says, and I can tell he’s making fun, but I don’t know if the boy who has a crush on me can.
“River.” Mikey nods, unenthused. Maybe he can tell, or he’s still sore about that phone call. I never did call him back. River had me watching him and Landon play video games.
“Hey, Maddie,” the blonde says, and I realize it’s Clarissa from my science class.
“Hey,” I reply.
“You gonna light that?” I ask River.
“You want some?” he asks, looking at my eyes. He narrows his and takes the joint from his ear. “Think you need anything else?” he adds.
“Anything else?” Mikey speaks up, because as far as he knows, I’m sober.
“Shut up, River,” I say. “He’s just talking shit, Mikey.” River doesn’t say anything, and I’m surprised. I thought he would for sure. As he flicks his Bic, flames shoot up, and he holds in the smoke he just inhaled. Clarissa thinks it’s her turn, but River passes it my way. I take the joint in between my fingertip and thumb. Bringing it to my lips, I inhale and hold it. I lift the joint Mikey’s way. “Want any?” I ask. He shakes his head no, so I give it back to River who then lets the blonde have some. High off more than one drug, I roll my neck and look over at Cali. She’s listening to Landon talk surf and how there’s freedom on the water. Mikey nudges my elbow.
“Want any more?” River asks, apparently for the second time. Oops, must have zoned out.
“Nah,” I reply as I lean back on my hands. Fire crackles and smoke follows beauty, causing River to have to get up.
“Shit,” he says, tossing the burnt-out joint into the pit. He’s laid-back high and slides his hands into his dark jeans pockets. His arms flex, and my eyes watch. Tan skin and unruly hair, this boy is crazy cute. He looks down at me, and I look away when Mikey speaks.
“Did you pass that test we took last week?” Mikey asks me, and I’m wondering why he wants to talk school.
“Yeah,” I say. “Barely.”
“Me, too,” he says. I look across the pit at John. Poor guy doesn’t even exist to my girl, who only seems to have eyes for Landon tonight. The one he brought with him keeps giving Cali dirty looks, but no limits is riding high, and she’d probably beat the girl’s ass on pills or not.
“Let’s ride out,” River says a little while later. Landon agrees. “Come on, B. Frankie will be wondering where you are.”
“Okay,” I say. “I’ll see you at school, Mikey.”
“Yeah,” he replies. Disappointment shows on his face, and I’m sure he wanted this date to go better, but no chemistry can kill any relationship, and ours has zero.
I crawl into the backseat of River’s Crown Vic. He grabs his pack from the dash and pulls a smoke out with his teeth. Holding it between his lips, he tosses the soft pack back and lets his window down.
“Did you have a good night with Mikey?” He’s looking at me in the rearview mirror when he asks. I shrug and see my girl laughing and walking too close to my brother.
“What’s up with that?” I ask River, lifting my chin toward secret laughs and reticent looks. I see River’s eyes go to the front windshield.
“Landon has a thing for your girl,” he says.
“Oh, yeah?”
“Yeah.” He nods, looking back at me.
“I think the feeling is mutual,” I respond, not sure how I feel about that, but then I see Clarissa walking behind them.
“Did you have a good night with Clarissa?” I question. He looks toward her.
“Not really.”
I don’t say anything else because Landon and Cali get in. My pockets full of my habit and my urge for another rush are making me feel anxious. I see a drink up front and ask whose it is. River picks it up and holds it up for me behind his head.
“It’s mine. Here,” he says. I take it because my mouth is dry from the weed, and I won’t be able to swallow the pill.
“Another one?” Cali whispers. I shrug like, what’s it to you?
“Wanna stay with me tonight?” I ask after I take a sip and chase down tranquility.
“Yeah, let me just run in and tell my parents.”
***
When we arrive at Cali’s, I walk in with her. Mrs. Dalton loves her martinis and often drinks too many a night. She’s flushed skin and a little light on her feet when we step into the kitchen. Supper is being cooked, and Mr. Dalton steals a taste when his wife isn’t looking.
“Can I stay at B’s tonight?” Cali asks.
“Does Frankie care?” Mr. Dalton asks me.
“It’s cool with him,” I say, and it always is. Mr. Dalton has an issue with the boys being there, but he always ends up letting his only child do as she pleases. Cali’s spoiled and has plenty of freedom, but I think freedom is her problem. He looks uneasy, but tells Cali to be home for dinner tomorrow.
We run up to Cali’s room, and I sit down on her bed as she grabs a bag. Christmas lights her dad let her have line her mirror, and lime green stick-on stars are all over her ceiling. Pictures of her and me and her and everyone else hang from clothespins from a string that goes from one end of the wall to the other.
“Wanna do our nails tonight?” she asks. I look down at my toes.
“Sure.”
After we tell the Daltons bye, I grab Cali’s hand and we walk to the car. She tosses her bag inside, and we both slide in from one side.
“Took long enough,” River says as he puts the car in gear.
“Shut up,” Cali and I say and then laugh.
***
Arms behind my head and soft pillows under my back, my feet are in Cali’s lap, and she is carefully giving me a French tip pedicure. Purple is the color I picked because white is boring. Cali’s hair is wet and wrapped in a towel. I smell shower clean, and my room smells like polish remover, outdoors, and girls.
“So, what’s up with you and Landon?” I ask the girl who has a wrinkle of concentration between her eyes. She stops and looks down at me. My window is up, and the curtain blows away from the pane from the breeze outside.
“What do you mean?” she asks, grabbing a Q-tip and fixing her work.
“You were all over him tonight.”
“And you kept looking at River like you’ve seen him naked.” I laugh out loud, causing my foot to move, and Cali scolds me.
“Sorry,” I mutter.
“Seriously, B. The two of you could rip a phone book in half with the chemistry you produce.”
“You changed the subject,” I point out.
“Okay. Landon and I are friends, always have been. Yeah, he’s cute, and I like being around him, but it’s nothing more.” She pats my foot, and I move it and place the other on her lap.
I look at her work. “Looks good.”
“Thanks. So, you and River?” she questions as she cleans off my old polish. She’s covering up how much she really likes Landon, but I let her.
“Things have changed between us,” I say. “I don’t know what it is, though.”
“I’ve always had a feeling about you two.”
“What do you mean?”
“When you asked me what your type was, River popp
ed in my head. He looks at you different, B.”
“You think?” I say, looking up at the glow-in-the-dark stars on my ceiling, thanks to Cali.
“I know,” she says.
“Well, don’t tell anyone.”
“Pinky promise,” she says and leans down to wrap her pinky around mine.
Chapter Ten
The leaves start to turn, going from bright, vivid green to warm brown and rosy gold. And as the seasons begin to change, so does my age. I’m seventeen today. Happy birthday candles are lit, and a present from each of my boys sits on the kitchen table. I complain that they got me something, and after I blow out the candles and open my gifts, Landon takes off to the beach to get some last minute surfing in before fall officially begins. While surfer boy does what he does best, Frankie heads out to get supplies for the grill. He says that he doesn’t care how old we all get—birthday cookouts are a tradition.
I’m lying in the lounge chair, soaking up the last bit of nice weather before it turns into a winter wonderland. Shades on, looking laid-back cool, I slip a pill into my mouth. I pop my knuckles and swallow, waiting for my good time.
“B.” I hear and open my eyes. I had fallen asleep.
“Yeah?” I ask, sounding groggy.
“What the hell is this?”
“What?” I ask, confused.
“This, in my fucking hand,” River says, and I slip my shades off and look at his hand. A little pill is between his thumb and index finger. Oh shit. It must have fallen out of my pocket.
“It’s just a sleeping pill,” I lie as panic sets in.
“Bullshit.” He sees right through me and turns around to head inside.
“River,” I call after him, but he is on a mission. I jump up and follow him into the house. He walks up the stairs, taking two at a time, and my stomach drops. “River, what are you doing?” I say up to him. I look out the front door. Frankie’s truck is still gone, so I run up the stairs, too. “Don’t do anything crazy.” I make my way down the hall and hear chaos. Drawers are thrown out of my dresser, and my mattress is flipped. He walks into my closet and empties my shoes.
“What the holy fuck!” I scream. “Stop!”
“Where are they, Maddie?” he asks. His face is red with anger, and I sink back.
“Where is what?” I ask, playing dumb for no reason because he knows I’ve been popping pills like a kid with bubble wrap, and I almost feel like I can’t stop, so I am praying to everything holy he doesn’t go to the top shelf of my closet. But he does. Swiping it with his hand, he feels it, and in seconds, he has the bag in his hand and runs to the bathroom. Why didn’t I put them under the board? Panic rushes through my chest. I hit him on his back when he pours them into the toilet. I scream and yell for him to stop until my voice is hoarse, and I can’t let another word come out. He looks at me with rage, but he sees me. He sees how bad I am. How hooked I’ve become, and his eyes look sad.
“B,” he says, grabbing me. I grip his shirt and sink to the floor, crying because I’m scared now. He sinks, too, and rocks me. “Baby B.” He kisses my hair. Salty tears fall down my cheeks, and I calm down, moving away from him and giving him an icy glare.
“Today is my birthday!” I yell because I’m not seventeen. The drugs have made me seven, and I throw a fit. I storm out of the bathroom and slam the door shut, kicking it for good measure. I pick the drawers up and toss them toward the dresser, saying every cuss word in the book. River opens the door and leans against the doorway, but I keep going. I pick up my lamp and throw it against the wall, letting it crash to the floor. It cracks, and I’m glad. I look at him. Arms folded across his chest, he looks concerned for me. I swallow and shake my head. “You’re scared,” I say, pointing at him and taking the heat off me. “You’ve been tiptoeing around me for weeks because you’re fucking scared!”
“B, calm down.”
“No!” I yell. “I’m sick of this. Do something already!”
“What?” he asks, but he isn’t stupid. He knows what I mean. The looks, the war in his green eyes—I know he wants me, and I want him, too, so why the hell isn’t anything happening?
“You know what?” I say, walking over to him and shoving him, but he doesn’t budge. “Do something,” I say again, shoving him once more. He grabs my hands, and I snatch them away and look into his eyes. “Kiss me. Touch me. Do something!” I yell. His look changes from worry to want in an instant. He walks farther into the room and slams the door shut behind him. I step back.
“No,” he says. “Don’t act scared now.” He steps closer to me, searching my eyes, making sure this is what I want. “Do you know what you’re asking?”
“Yes,” I say with every bit of the confidence I feel. He takes two steps before he grabs me. I’m lifted as his lips press against mine. It's heaven and hell, and water and air. It’s tobacco, boy shampoo, and just showered hair. It’s sunshine and lying on cotton. It’s everything I could have imagined, as I taste what his lips give me. Moaning, because I can’t help it, I grip his shoulders. His tongue touches my lips, and I’ve wanted this for too long. He pushes into me, and I bite his bottom lip as he kisses me deeper. He pushes harder and brings his hand down. As he trails it down my body, I feel every fingertip. My head rolls as he moves from my lips to my neck, and he bites and sucks while his hand keeps moving lower. Under my dress it goes, and he moves the cotton to the side. Green eyes look at me, telling me this is what he has wanted, too. Touching inside where I burn for him, he curls his fingers, and I fly high. This doesn’t compare to the drugs. This is a whole other addiction, and I am hooked. He walks us to my overthrown mattress and lays me down. I see stars and fire when he presses deeper with his fingers.
“Baby,” he whispers. This boy surrounds me, and the feelings I have for him ignite when he makes my legs shake and tingles chase each other up and down my spine. “Give it to me, B,” he says, his voice pleading. My toes curl, and I cry out when I fall, coming so hard I clamp my eyes shut and see fireworks and shooting stars. My heart pounds in my chest, and I open my eyes to a green-eyed boy. He smirks, and I pull his head down because I need another River Dawson kiss. God, I’ve been missing out. He presses his full lips to mine, and then we hear Frankie’s truck. “We got to clean this mess up, B,” he says against my swollen lips.
“Okay,” I reply. He stands up, and I do, too, happy and only floating now.
***
“So that happened.” Ellie kind of smirks and runs her hand through her short hair.
“Yeah,” I reply quietly, lifting my lip, and it’s like I can still taste him. I miss him.
“Well, how did you two go from there?” she asks.
“From there, it was secrets. It was like I was on another drug, and I was having to be just as sneaky because we were scared Frankie would kill us both.”
“What about the pills?”
“He made it easier to stop for a little while, but I’m a drug addict. It will always be in the back of my mind.”
***
The telltale lights on my bedside clock let me know I’ve been up for half of the night. I toss and turn, burning from the inside out.
I want something.
Clean for a few days now, my blood flows unevenly, and my mind shifts thoughts.
I need something.
I toss the covers off me and throw my legs over the side of my bed. My toes curl around the iron bedframe beneath my feet, sending cold chills up my legs. Sweat drips down my back, and I need a shower. I stand up and walk to the bathroom. Turning the light on, I walk over and start the shower. I strip and get under the water. I turn the knobs until I feel the sting of hot water on my shoulders, and I welcome its comfort. I hear a soft knock on the door, and I remember I didn’t lock it.
“B,” River says.
“Yeah,” I reply quietly. I hear the door open. “I’m having a hard time,” I tell him, feeling a tear slip down my cheek.
“Well, get out and come to my room.”
�
�Okay,” I reply.
Shower wet hair and nothing but my boy shorts and tank top on, I tiptoe to his bedroom, making sure no one hears me. It’s after five, and Frankie will be getting up in an hour for work. I have school today, and it’s going to be hell. I open River’s door, and his smell hits me.
“Hey,” I say.
“Come here.” He lifts his covers, and I walk over, getting under them happily. He wraps me in his arms and kisses my neck.
“This is hard,” I tell him. Feeling sneaky and dope sick, I curl up and breathe in this boy.
Close To Falling Page 7
