“Let me make it better,” he whispers, and I roll over, waiting for his touch. He climbs on top of me, and I love his weight. Spreading my legs with his one, I open and he settles. Nothing but his shorts and my panties between us, I run my hands down his bare back as he presses into me before his lips touch mine. Soft at first, we become needier. Wanting always and never being able to show any emotion around anyone else, this is our safe place. His room or mine, but I'd rather be in his because it's all him. His mouth is warm, and his hair is messy from sleeping. I love running my hands through it. I lean up as I become hotter, and he presses down. His hands push my shirt up, and he rubs across my stomach to my chest.
“I want to see you,” he says as he lifts my tank higher and sits back on his heels. I don't care at this point, but I want all of him, and he is just giving me some. He takes my shirt off and looks down at me. My eyes have adjusted, so I can see his face and the slow lift of his lips. “You were right, B.”
“About?” I ask.
“It wasn't something I had already seen before. Nothing about you is common,” he says. He is messy, dirty blond, soft green eyes, and shirtless.
“Take yours off,” I say, leaning back, looking at his shorts.
“No, Baby B.”
“Why?” I ask.
“Just lie back.”
“I want you, though.”
“I know.” He loops his fingers into my cotton shorts and slides them down my legs. Letting them drop to the floor beside him, he looks over my body,and I bite my lip. I breathe harder because this is the first time I have ever been naked in front of a boy.
He slides his fingers between my legs, and I close my eyes, letting him take me away from reality just for a little while. No amount of pills can do what he does to me, and he makes it easier to forget they even exist. He watches me unravel. I reach for the cotton pillow and put my face in it, covering the sweet moans he is making come out of my mouth.
“No, B, I want to watch you. Don’t cover your face.” He movesthe pillow. “You need to scream, then let my mouth cover it.” He leans down and kisses my skin, moving up my neck before he takes over my open lips. I cry out into his as he makes me come harder than I ever have. I fall asleep listening to the beat of his heart, and sometime later, I hear Frankie stirring around. He never comes into my room, though, so he won't know that I am sleeping with my new addiction.
Chapter Eleven
The sun is just starting to rise over the horizon, and I wrap my hair up before I push off the ground. The breeze is warm against my cheeks, and I close my eyes. I see his face, and my fingers crave to touch him, but instead, I hold on tighter to the rope, giving my needy hands something to do.
“It’s a good view.” I hear and open my eyes to see David watching the sun, too. It’s become a normal thing to see him in the mornings. I've learned a lot about the musician who got caught up in all the partying that goes along with being in a rock band.
“It is,” I agree, still swinging. Early mornings are my favorite now. I like the idea of getting up before the world wakes. It’s almost like I’m the only one. It’s both lonely and comforting at the same time. David lights his morning smoke while I continue to soar. I lean back and smile.
***
“We’ve covered a good bit, Maddie,” Ellie says. She’s looking at her computer screen, and I’m holding a Frosty she picked up for me before our session. It’s silky chocolate, and all I need are some fries to complete it, but this will do. “But I need to know more. I need to know what got you to the point that you felt you needed to turn back to the drugs.”
“There wasn’t a point really. Drugs just slowly crept back into my life,” I say after I take the spoon from my mouth. “I don’t think a drug addict ever quits without going back once, but I haven’t met a whole lot of drug addicts either.”
“What about Cali?” Ellie says, lifting her brow.
“Yeah, Cali had some issues, but I don’t think she took as many as me, and she didn’t seem like she had a problem with them.”
***
Fall fades into winter, and snow melts as trees come out of hibernation. Springtime brings yellow, purple, and velvet pink flowers, allergies and buzzing bees. The days last longer, and the sun shines brighter as summer starts up again. I’m sitting in Mr. Barnes’s class looking out the window. It’s beautiful out today, and I wish I were wrapped up in a now eighteen-year-old River. His birthday was a few weeks ago, and he started working with Frankie. He graduates this year, and it will be weird not seeing him at school anymore. The bell rings, and I slowly get up from my desk. I walk out the door to head to my locker and see Mikey leaning against it.
“’Sup, Maddie?” he asks, smirking.
“Hey,” I reply.
“How have you been?”
“Good. What about you?” I grab my lock and put in the combination.
“All right. So I was wondering… Are you going to prom?”
I freeze because I've been dreading this. I want to go, but River would have a fit if I went with anyone but him, and I can’t go with him.
“Um, I don’t know.” I shrug.
“Oh, okay. Well, I was just wondering if you were, would you want to go with me?” He sucks in his bottom lip and narrows his eyes. Casually leaning back against the locker beside mine, he adjusts his book bag over his shoulder and slides his hands into his pockets. Would I want to go with him? I mean, no, I want to go with River, but I can’t, and I don’t want to miss out on prom. My mom would be upset if she was still around. She always said she couldn’t wait for me to go. Like, seriously, prom was up there with my wedding.
“Yes,” I say, without giving it any more thought. Shit.
“Yeah?” he asks, lifting the corner of his mouth.
“Um…yeah, sure.”
“Cool, I'll pick you up,” he says, stepping away from my locker and backing up.
“Okay,”
“See ya,” he says, and I watch when he turns around. What the fuck have I done? My boy is going to flip his shit.
***
Garlic-spiced marinara sauce simmers on the stovetop as I break the noodles and put them into a boiling pot of water. I turn the heat way down on my sauce and walk over to the freezer. Of course, all of the ice trays are empty because I live with a bunch of boys. I roll my eyes and grab all of them before I walk over to the sink and turn the faucet on. Water fills each hole before it spills onto the next and so on and so on. I put the trays back inside the freezer and decide to buy ice or we won’t have any for supper. I’m making River’s favorite tonight. Honestly, I’m just trying to get everyone to sit down and eat together, and then I’m going to casually bring up prom. I’m thinking River will keep his cool and maybe calm down before we are alone. I’m actually praying. Hard.
“Hey, Landon, can I borrow your car? We need ice,” I call up the stairs.
“I’ll drive you, B,” River says, coming down in black jeans and a white T-shirt. The sleeves are rolled up once, and he runs his hand through his longish hair.
“Okay,” I say, smiling, because any time I get to be alone with River is good with me, especially before he gets pissed. As I run past him to grab my shoes, he snatches my hand, stopping me. He looks up the steps and then back at me.
“You look good today,” he says quietly, roaming his eyes over my body. I’m just in shorts and his hoodie, but okay.
“Thanks.” I smile again. He looks around, making sure we aren’t being watched and then leans down and kisses me. It’s quick, but that doesn’t mean I don’t feel it down to my toes, and because we aren’t supposed to, it somehow makes it better. River winks before he keeps walking, and I run up, grab my shoes, and peek into Landon’s room. “Hey, will you keep an eye on the food for me? Just stir the sauce and the noodles so they won’t stick.”
“Sure, B,” he says, but he doesn’t look up from the surfing magazine he is reading.
“Landon,” I say, getting him to look up.
“Yeah?”
“What did I just say?”
“Stir both pots,” he answers. I nod.
“Right.”
***
It’s warm this evening, but there is a breeze that keeps me in my boy’s hoodie. River pulls up to the store, and I jump out.
“Want anything?” I ask before I shut the door.
“Yeah.”
“What?”
“Just hurry up and pay for the ice,” he says, and I’m confused, but I shut the door and run inside to pay for the bag. River has already grabbed it by the time I get through the line, so I hurry back to the car and get inside.
“That wind is chilly,” I say, snuggling into the black cotton that smells like my boy.
“It’s not cold,” he replies as he pulls out of the parking lot.
“I didn’t say it’s cold. I said the wind is chilly.”
“I think you just like wearing my hoodie.” He grins.
“I think I do, too.” I reach over and link my fingers with his. He runs his thumb across the back of my hand, and I look out the window. He’s quiet, and I’m wondering what he is thinking. The car slows, and he turns onto a dirt road. “River, where are we going?” I ask.
“I need to feel you, B,” he tells me.
“I’ve got food cooking,” I say, but not convincingly enough.
Regardless, he asks, “You wanna go back?”
“No,” I reply. Tingles crawl up my legs, and I grow desperate thinking about his hands on me. He goes around a curve before he pulls into a small field and then kills the lights.
“Come here,” he says, and I lift up the armrest and crawl over onto his lap. One thigh on the outside of each of his, I straddle him as he runs his hands up inside the shirt I’m wearing under his hoodie. “I love your skin.” He pulls me close and inhales. “You smell like me with this on. I want to smell you.” I grab the bottom of his hoodie and take it off. My shirt rides up, and he kisses my exposed skin. I run my hands through his hair and look down at him as he glances up. His face grows serious, but he lifts his lip a tad. “I love you, B.” I melt and can’t speak. I search his eyes before I look down at his mouth, and in an instant, I bring my face down and kiss him. I open my lips, and he gives me his tongue. We kiss, and his hands move lower. I feel him beneath me, and I wish we didn’t have clothes between us. I grind into him because I want all of him, as always. He moans, and it’s heaven. Sweet love moves his hands down to my backside. “Get in the back, baby. We have to hurry.”
I climb off him and crawl into the backseat. “Take your pants off,” he says, and I lift up and undo my button and slide my zipper down. I move my pants down my legs and kick off my shoes before I do the same to my pants.
“Take yours off, too,” I say. But he doesn’t…as always. He spreads my legs before he sinks down between, and I lean up to get more of his lips. He kisses me hard and puts his hand into my hair. I push up off the seat and try to feel more of him. More, more, always more. River is in my soul, and I can’t seem to do anything about it. My heart beats for him, my mind races for him, and once he brings his fingers down, my body sings for him.
***
“What took you so long?” Landon asks, seeing the halfway melted bag of ice.
I don’t look at him, but I look over at River who shrugs and says, “Dead battery. We had to get jumped off.” I lift my brow and smile at him when he looks my way, like good cover-up. Frankie walks down the stairs as I drain the noodles, and River gets the plates out of the cabinet.
Life looks like it always has to Landon and Frankie, but to us, it’s sneaky and secretive. Love-filled looks and underhanded touches. My conscience feels shitty for lying to my family, but my heart says to keep your mouth shut, and I listen.
***
Forks are picked up, and drinks are drunk. I sit nervously, trying to think of how to bring up prom, but by some fucking miracle, Landon does it.
“So I’m taking Cali to prom,” he says out of nowhere, and my jaw hits the table. Frankie stops chewing and looks between Landon and me.
“Cali’s your friend, right, B?”
“Yeah,” I say after I swallow my pasta. “When did this come about?”
“Two days ago.” He shrugs, acting like it’s no big deal, but it is.
“Why?” I ask, and River hits my leg under the table, forcing my eyes to go to him. He has a don’t-make-a-big-thing-of-it look on his face. I ignore it.
“Because I asked her, and she said yeah, B.”
“Why did you ask her, though?”
“Why do you give a shit?” he asks.
“Hey,” Frankie cuts in. “Don’t talk to B like that, and no cussing at my damn table.”
We all look at him, and Landon says, “Sorry, Frankie.”
“I care because I know how you are, and I don’t want Cali to be misled,” I continue, noticing he didn’t apologize to me.
“What do you mean by that, Maddie?”
“You know what I mean. One minute you’re with this chick, and the next you’re with someone else.”
“What do you mean with?” Frankie asks, narrowing his eyes at Landon.
“Like going out,” I say, but that’s not what I mean at all. It satisfies Frankie, though, and he takes another bite of spaghetti.
“Maddie, mind your own business, okay?” Landon says in his serious tone.
“Fine. I will,” I say, looking down at my food. Landon and I hardly ever fight, but I don’t want Cali to be another notch on his bedpost, even though I think he really does like her. Still, she’s my best friend, and he’s my brother. Like I can judge, though. I pick up my fork and twirl it around my food. I’ve got to get my own news out, so I take a breath. “I’m going to prom, too,” I add, not looking up at any of them.
“What?” River and Frankie say in unison. I glance up and see narrowed green eyes and uplifted brown ones. One is surprise; the other is something else entirely.
I clear my throat. “Um, yeah, Mikey asked me to go, and my mom was so deadpan on me going to prom when I was nine, so I feel like I can’t miss it, you know?”
“Who is this Mikey kid? River? Landon?” Frankie asks, looking between the two.
“Some punk kid from school,” my boy says, still looking at me with icy eyes.
“Landon, what do you think of him?” Frankie asks him.
Landon shrugs. “He’s cool, I guess.” Because he really doesn’t care, but the boy sitting beside me does, and I can feel the anger rolling off him in thick waves. I chew on my bottom lip and pick up my drink. Taking a sip, I look over my glass at Frankie when he speaks.
“Well, I need to meet the kid, I guess.”
Fuck.
***
“That didn’t go as bad as you thought,” Ellie says, crossing her legs.
“Oh, it gets worse,” I reply, standing and tossing my cup into the trash.
***
“What the fuck are you playing at, B?” River asks in a whispered harsh tone after he walks into my room and shuts the door. His hair is a mess, and he runs his hand through it, showing me why.
“River, please, don’t think more into this. I’m just going to prom.”
“Yeah, with a boy who wants to fuck you.”
“Well, at least someone does.” I shrug. A hard look and a ticking jaw, River leans back against the door and crosses his arms.
“Is that what you want?” he asks me.
“With you. Yeah,” I say. He pushes away from the door and walks over to me.
“Don’t go to prom with him.” He climbs on top of the bed.
“River, what if Landon knocks?”
“Fuck him,” he says, but it’s not convincing. He runs his hand up my leg. “Is that your problem? You want me to sleep with you?” His tone deepens, and his eyes become dreamier.
“You know I want you,” I whisper, “but you always say no.” He kisses my knee as his hand continues to climb up the inside of my thigh. I look down at it and t
hen back up at him.
“Greedy,” he says playfully.
“When it comes to you,” I reply with no shame.
“Me, too,” he says as he leans farther up and kisses me. It’s dangerous what he is doing. We could get caught. He kisses my top lip before he sucks on my bottom. My hands go to his dirty blond hair and the back of his neck. He grips my thigh, and I pull him down. He rolls his hips when he falls between my legs, and I wish my cotton shorts would disappear when his hardness hits me in the best spot. “This is what you want?” he asks against my lips.
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