Close To Falling

by Paige P. Horne

  Art is boring. Why did I go this route?

  I’m a tad buzzed, but not drunk. He doesn’t reply, so I slide my phone back and look around some more, picking up a champagne glass on my way. After two more rounds of talking and walking, my phone vibrates.

  You need to be rescued?

  Best idea all night. Where’s your place?

  After River sends me directions, I look over at Sarah. She is in deep conversation with a group of people. She won’t miss me, and I’ve done my time, so I walk over to tell her I’m leaving. After agreeing, she introduces me to the people she is speaking with. I smile politely and make my exit. I step out into the crisp night air, a little light on my feet, and make my way to River’s. He isn’t far, so I decide to walk. I need the air anyway. Once I round the corner, I see a shop. All the lights are on, and from here it looks awesome. I’ve seen this place before, but never stopped. As I walk closer, I see the display in the window, and I’m amazed. River comes from the back, and I stand by the door, waiting for him to let me inside. He’s bright-eyed, and his smile makes him look like a boy. I wish I could take credit for that look, but I’m not sure.

  “Hey,” I say once the door is open.

  “Hey.”

  “You seem happy.”

  “I’m always happy when I get to see you, B,” he replies.

  “Me, too,” I agree, because it’s the truth, and I want him to know it. My eyes roam the building, and I really can’t believe it. “River, this is all your design?”

  “Yeah,” he says, shutting the door and locking it. He walks over to the light switch and kills the lights in the window. I look over at him and see he is watching me.

  “You really do beautiful work, River. I’m proud of you.”

  He smirks and slides his hands into his front pockets, like the compliment embarrasses him. “’Preciate it, B.” I nod and bite my lip. He sighs. “So, what do you want to do? Wanna go back to my place and watch a movie?”

  “That sounds nice,” I reply.

  ***

  Once we walk up to River’s door, he unlocks it, and I stand behind him.

  “Give me one second, okay?” he asks.

  “Umm, okay,” I say, darting my eyes sideways. He runs into the house while I stand and wait. He is only gone a moment before he is back at the door.

  “You gonna stand out there all night?” he jokes, one hand on the door.

  I playfully slap him on the chest as I walk by. “You know you didn’t have to clean for me, right? I know how messy you used to be.”

  “Yes, used to be. I’m pretty organized now, well, besides the leftover beer bottle and two-day old takeout I forgot to toss.” He grins. I laugh as I look around his place. It’s nice. It’s River, and it feels like home. Why did I just think that? I shake my head, clearing my weird thoughts. “What do you want to watch? I’ve got The Breakfast Club. I know you used to like to watch that.”

  “That sounds perfect.”

  “Okay, get comfortable while I pop some popcorn.”

  ***

  I’m bare feet on the couch while River is slouched down at the other end. The movie is halfway over, and I’m salty lips and buttery fingers.

  “I’ve got to wash my hands.”

  “Bathroom is down the hall,” he says, pointing behind him.

  After I wash my hands, I walk out of the bathroom, but get nosy and head down the hallway. I see a door open, and I look inside. It’s River’s bedroom. Memories of me under his covers flood my mind, and I start feeling homesick. His smell is everywhere, and I wish I could bottle it up and keep it with me.

  “What are you doing, B?”

  I turn to his voice and see him leaning against the doorway. I hadn’t realized I walked so far inside his bedroom.

  “Just wanted to see your room.”

  He nods and walks toward me. “You can’t be in here, if you don’t want anything to happen.” He’s slightly smiling and maybe joking?

  “Okay,” I say, but I don’t move as he walks closer. He looks down at me, and the corners of his mouth lift more.

  “Why are you fighting this?”

  “Fighting what?”

  He doesn’t answer. Instead, he kisses me, throwing me off completely. It’s a needy kiss, one I want more of. His hands go to my hair, and mine go to the back of his neck. He directs me backward until I bump into his dresser. He’s like a livewire running electricity to my soul. I pull him closer to me, and he lifts me up, placing me on top of the hard wood. River’s hands travel down my waist, and they come back up, bringing my shirt with them. Cold air touches my back, and somehow I come to my senses and pull away. Panicking, I move around him and jump down from the dresser.

  “River, I’m so sorry. I can’t do this,” I say. Pain and confusion cover his face, but that’s what I feel inside.

  “Fuck,” he says, frustrated. “I don’t know where I stand with you, woman. Hell, I can’t even touch you without you freezing up. I mean, we have been dancing around this for weeks now.” He rubs his head, and a line forms between his brows. “Why, B? Why can’t you do this?” He sighs. “Don’t you feel what I feel? Don’t you see how much sense we make together?”

  “Just friends, River. We agreed to be just friends.”

  He lifts his chin and looks down at me. “You’re only fooling yourself if you think we’re just friends, girl.”

  “I can’t do this,” I repeat. “You made the decision, River. You told me to never come back.”

  “I apologized for that, baby.”

  “You think an apology can fix this?” I say. “You broke me, and sometimes when a person hurts you so badly, you stop feeling anything at all. That’s exactly what I did.”

  “Do you know what I was going through in there knowing all of that?” he asks.

  “No, I was busy going through hell out here without you because of your stupid choices!” I yell because it’s finally coming out now. All the resentment I’ve had for him choosing to do bad shit for dirty money.

  “Here it is. Let it out, B. Tell me what you’ve been wanting to tell me all this time.”

  “You left me. You made me fall,” I say, wiping the tears that have slipped from my eyes. “You made me want to give up, and I did. I spent months trying to numb the pain you put inside me. Months inside dirty bars and pill bottles.” I shake my head because what am I doing? I’ve come too far for the blame game, but, damn, if it doesn’t feel good to let this out.

  “I didn’t tell you to never come back for pleasure, Maddie. I did it because it was the only way I could help you.”

  “I know that now, but you shouldn’t have been in there in the first place.”

  “You don’t think I know that?” he says, narrowing his eyes. “You think I wanted to be away from you? I love you!” He hits his chest with his open hand. “You’re the only thing that fucking matters to me. I’ve been trying to get you back since I got out of that fucking place. That’s why I haven’t called you. I changed my life and got my own business so when I came for you I would be someone you could be proud to be with.”

  “See, that was your problem. I was always proud to be with you, River. I loved you just the way you were.”

  “Loved?” he repeats the word.

  I don’t reply to that.

  “I knew one of us was going to get burned,” I say. “That’s why I didn’t want to do this. I can’t be your friend. This is too hard. I’ve got to go.”

  “Oh, you’ve got to go,” he mocks. “Little Maddie always runs away from the hard stuff. I forgot.”

  I shake my head and turn to walk away. Enough has been said, and I don’t need to hear any more. Something slams against the wall, but I ignore it and shut the door behind me.

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  I’m seated on a couch I’m all too familiar with as Ellie looks at me with sympathy. I’ve told her the whole story, and she is siding with River. Damn therapy.

  “Maddie, you have been stringing the m
an along. You know deep down inside you love him. He is right to ask, so why are you fighting this?”

  “I’m scared,” I finally say out loud. “I’m terrified, Ellie. River reminds me of everything bad and good in my life. He has been there with me through it all, minus the last nine years, of course,” I say like, there's that.

  “It’s people like River who are worth keeping, Maddie. You don’t want someone who can only handle you at your best. He was there at your worst, and he stayed.”

  “But you're forgetting he crushed me. He broke me when he told me not to come back anymore.”

  “No, I remember how you were. Closed-off and pissed that life dealt you a bad hand, but River didn’t do that to hurt you. He did it to help you. He knew you couldn’t get the help you needed coming back and forth to a prison, and he knew the only way for you to get that help was if he pushed you away.”

  “But him pushing me away was the reason I went off the deep end.”

  “Well, everyone reacts differently to situations. You did the opposite of what he had hoped, but the important thing is, you did eventually get help.”

  “I guess I can see why you make the big bucks,” I say, giving her a half-smile.

  “I’m more than your therapist, B. I’m your friend, and I care about you. I wouldn’t tell you this if I thought it would hurt you. River has changed a good bit from what you have told me. Maybe you should give this a go, or at least think on it for a bit.”

  “Maybe so,” I say, sounding weary. I’m just tired of thinking about this.

  “Have you been keeping in touch with your sponsor?” she asks. I look over at her and bite my lip.

  “I haven’t in a while. I probably should, though.”

  “Yes, or go to some meetings. That will help, too.”

  ***

  I’m charcoaled up, listening to Bob Dylan tell me about Mr. Tambourine Man. The sun is shining through my windows, and I walk over to open the doors. A warm breeze blows in and ruffles the loose paper behind me. I grab my tie and wrap my hair up onto the top of my head, as I look down, watching cars pass and busy people walking in hurried strides. I sigh and look down at my watch. It’s late afternoon, so everyone must be getting off work. The song switches, and “Forever Young” plays, giving me a melancholy feeling. Wine would be nice, so I walk to the kitchen and grab a glass from the cabinet. After I take the bottle out of the fridge, I fill my glass to the rim and walk back to my studio until I make it out onto my patio. I sit down, putting my feet up in the chair across from me.

  Taking a sip of the wine, I lay my head back and think of River. I haven't spoken to him in five days, and it's five days too many. It’s probably the number one reason I'm not feeling like myself. The music ends, and I'm left with no sound but the busy streets five stories below. I didn't take Ellie's advice and go to a meeting. I'd be lying if I said using didn't cross my mind, and I know I need to talk to someone. I will soon, I promise myself before I take another taste of my wine and wonder where my phone is. Getting up, I walk back through my messy studio and search for it. The last person I spoke to was Sarah, and I was...in the bathroom, I think. I make my way in there and see it lying on the sink. I grab it and see the annoying blinking light doing its worst. After I unlock the screen, I notice I have two missed calls from Sarah, four missed calls from Landon, and a million texts. Good grief. I go through the texts first, and my heart slams into my chest as I read them. My hands shake, and I can't seem to think of what to do. The phone rings in my hand, and I drop it. I quickly pick it back up.

  “Hello,” I answer.

  “B, fucking hell. Where have you been?”

  “Landon, how is he? What’s going on?” I ask, looking for my keys so I can leave.

  “He is being rushed to the hospital. Meet us there.”

  “Okay. Bye,” I say, picking up my keys from the floor. How the hell they got there I can't tell you. I snatch up my purse and rush out the door.

  ***

  Hospitals have always scared me. Too much white and the smell of everything sterile make my stomach turn. I walk up to the desk and ask the woman where they took Frankie Carson.

  “Are you family?” she asks.

  “Yes,” I say like, hurry up and let me get to him.

  “He is in surgery, ma'am, but the rest of the family is in one of the smaller emergency waiting rooms, if you would like to—”

  “Where is it?” I ask, interrupting her.

  “Two doors down on the left side.”

  “Thanks,” I respond, making my way down the hall. Once I reach the door, I turn the handle and see Sarah, Landon, and River. Sarah jumps up and hugs me.

  “B, it’s not good.” She pulls away from me. She’s teary-eyed and rubs her forehead as stress lines form under her hand. “He’s had a massive heart attack, and they are doing open heart surgery.” I see the lines between her brows once her hand falls. I look over at Landon and River. River’s knee-bouncing and hasn’t looked at me once. I see Landon's hand making work on the ripped leather on the seat. My boys are worried, and I need to be strong.

  “It’s going to be okay,” I say as I take a seat beside Sarah. “It’s going to be okay,” I repeat, trying to make myself believe it. I say it over and over again inside my head and grip my purse strap tight as if it’s the reason I’m not falling over. Frankie is the glue that holds this family together. He is the reason we are a family. What will we do without him? What the hell will we do with him not here? I put my face in my hands and pray, because what else can I do right now?

  ***

  Two hours have passed, and we haven’t heard a fucking word. I’ve walked across this room so many times I’ve made a trail in this worn-out blue piece of shit carpet. Landon has ripped the seat almost all the way, and River has walked out more times to smoke than I have ever seen. Sarah has left to go get coffee, and I flop down in the seat across from Landon.

  “B,” he says, heart-pained.

  “It’s going to be okay.”

  “You keep saying that.”

  “Because it is.”

  “I don’t know,” he says, putting his face in his hands. I get up and sit beside him, wrapping my arm around his shoulders,and lean my head against his. “What will we do?”

  “We will make it because that’s what we do. We make it,” I tell him. “We’re foster kids. We know what a bad hand looks like. No matter what we are dealt, we push through.”

  ***

  Time ticks by as the doctors and nurses work on Frankie’s heart. The walls are closing in on me, and I don’t think I can look at this carpet anymore.

  “I’ve got to go outside,” I say to Landon and Sarah. I get up and walk out. My feet are heavy, and my bones feel tired. Stress weighs heavy on my heart, and I’m sick of waiting. I make my way past the ugly pictures of flowers in pink or blue vases, and I give a courtesy smile to the receptionist as I walk by. The doors slide open, and I walk through another set before my feet touch concrete. A light rain shower is falling from the sky, making my mood worse. I slow my steps when I see River sitting on a covered bench. His elbows rest on his knees while his face looks at the ground.

  There was a time I dreamed of seeing him sitting not too far from me. Daydreams of him and me together, happy and in love. Carefree, fun love. The kind that settles down deep inside of you and you couldn’t fathom hurting it. No matter what happened in life, you would never betray that love. Because without it, who are you? You look for a replacement, but no such thing exists. That kind of love is only held for one person, and mine is sitting not too far from me. I’m no longer dreaming, but it’s a sweet nightmare, because the man I love like a father is chest open in the operating room, fighting for his life.

  Even the weightless feeling of love can’t make this situation better, but regardless, I want to sit beside him, if only for a little while. My feet move, and I make my way over to River. He looks up as I come near, and I look into his eyes. He’s sad, tired, and ready to shut do
wn. I sit down beside him and rest my elbows on my knees, too.

  “Frankie and my Pops were good friends once,” he says. I turn to look at him. “The whole reason I ended up there was a favor to my dad.”

  As he says this, I remember Frankie saying, “Taking River in was just something…” He didn’t finish his sentence that day, and I think this is what he was not saying.

  “I grew up around shit a kid shouldn’t grow up around, B,” River continues, drawing me back in. “I saw things I shouldn’t have. Nothing was kept a secret. When my dad got sent off to prison, I was pissed at the world. He left me, and I had to leave the comfort of what I’d always known even though it wasn’t good. Frankie saved me. I know I did some dumb shit, but I’d have done a lot more if it wasn’t for that man in there.”