Close To Falling

by Paige P. Horne

  “Of course, I don’t,” I say as I pull my legs up, and he removes his clothes and sinks down into the bath with me. He grabs my legs and lays them on top of his chest, softly rubbing until he leans down and kisses each of my toes. I lie back and close my eyes again, just enjoying time with him and loving how good this water feels. My hands have a mind of their own as they rub over my stomach.

  “Thought of any names yet?” River asks.

  “I thought about Enzo for a boy and Piper for a girl. What about you?”

  “I like whatever you like,” he says, rubbing my heel. I curl my toes because this feels too good. He kisses my ankle and runs his hands down my calf. My eyes close again, and I roll my head to the side as he massages my feet and legs. “I love you, B.”

  I make some noise, but I’m too tired to speak.

  “Let’s get you out of the tub,” he says before he stands to get out. He wraps a towel around his waist before he leans down and scoops me up, putting me down on my feet as he grabs a towel and puts it around me. I take it and dry off before walking to our room. He tosses me a nightgown, and I trade out my towel, climbing onto the bed and getting under the covers. I smile when River wraps his arm around me and gently pulls me close to him, feeling his lips on my neck before sleep takes over.

  ***

  “Watch,” Fisher says as he gets going fast and jumps up onto a curve. We all turn to look, and I clap when he lands perfectly. I hear Rozz and River talking quietly about something, but I don’t know what they are saying.

  “So, are you up for a new show in a few months?” Sarah asks, grabbing my attention.

  “Yeah, I’ve got a few pieces made up already.”

  “Okay, well, I’m going to get it lined up.”

  “I wouldn’t know what to do without you.” I smile and wrap my arm around her shoulders.

  “I know,” she says. Landon runs over to Fisher and asks if he can show him something. Fisher loves Landon. He thinks he is the coolest because he is a surfer dude and into the same things as him. Those two can talk for hours. I look up at the beautiful green leaves growing on the trees and the pretty flowers on the side of the road. The smell of fried food makes my stomach growl as we make our way into the spring festival. River hears it and smiles down at me.

  “Hungry?”

  “Starving,” I say, rubbing my belly.

  “Me, too,” Sarah says. “Come on, kids!” she yells to Landon and Fisher.

  ***

  Fisher has ridden everything that’s not for the little kids, and I’ve eaten my weight in junk. We watch the fireworks before we leave, and River puts his arm around me when we head back to his truck. “Did you get enough food?” he asks me.

  “You know I did,” I say. “I’m stuffed.”

  “Good,” he replies, pulling me to him and kissing the side of my hair. We tell everyone goodbye, and he opens the truck door for me. The ride back is comfortable silence, and I stare out the window until I think about Rozz and River talking earlier.

  “What were you and Rozz chatting about?” I ask, looking over at him. He darts his eyes my way before he looks back at the road.

  “You don’t miss anything, do you?”

  “Not when it comes to you,” I reply. He gives me a half-smile, but it goes away as his eyebrows bunch and his lips turn into a straight line.

  “It’s nothing you need to worry yourself over, baby.”

  “I’m going to worry regardless, so you might as well tell me.”

  He sighs and goes silent for a minute before he says, “Rozz owes some people money, and they have come to collect.”

  “What kind of people? What about Fisher? Is he in danger?” I ask, concerned for Fisher’s safety.

  “Not people you want to owe money to. I don’t know about Fisher’s safety, B,” he replies. “I told Rozz I could let him borrow some money, but it’s only half of what he needs. Plus, he won’t take it anyway.”

  “How much money?”

  “It’s a lot, not an amount you can get fast doing anything legal. I just have a bad feeling about all of it,” he says, tightening his hand on the wheel.

  “What can we do?”

  “I’ve been asking myself that same question ever since he told me, Maddie. I don’t know what to do.”

  “I’m worried,” I tell him.

  “I am, too, baby.” He reaches over and takes my hand, kissing my knuckles and then looking back at the road.

  ***

  Cozy cotton is wrapped around me as I wait for River to crawl into bed. I’m thinking about our conversation earlier in the truck, and I have the worst feeling about it, too. River has told me about Rozz’s past, and it’s not a clean one. The guy has been in and out of trouble practically his whole life. He got Fisher’s mom pregnant and then was sent off to prison. I don’t have any idea how he will pay these men back, but really I’m concerned about Fisher and River’s safety.

  “Maybe we should see if Fisher can come stay with us,” I say as River walks in. No shirt, just sweats and shower fresh skin.

  “We can’t take Fisher away from his dad, B,” he says, rubbing the towel over his buzzed hair.

  “I’m not saying that. Of course, I’m not saying that,” I say like, am I really saying that? “I just mean until Rozz pays these guys back or whatever. Also, I’ve been thinking about your safety. I mean, what about him working at the shop? Doesn’t this put you in danger?”

  River rubs his face as he sits down on the bed. “I’ve been thinking about that, too,” he says. “And I think it’s best if you stay away from there for a while. I’m going to talk to Rozz, and maybe after school Fisher can come to our house instead of the shop.”

  “Okay,” I agree. “But what about you?”

  “Don’t worry about me, baby. I can handle myself.”

  I know he can, but it still worries me. I can see the stress in River’s shoulders, and I hate that he is worrying about this mess. I hate that any of us are, but if something happens to that kid or River, it will kill me. I sit up and crawl over to him, placing my hands on his shoulders and gently squeezing, causing him to roll his neck. I move my hands across his chest and lightly rub. Leaning down, I place my lips on his skin, tasting his boy soap. I run my fingers up the back of his head and back down again. He grabs my hand and pulls me over onto his lap. I giggle because it threw me off guard. Taking a deep breath, he looks into my eyes and down at my lips.

  “I don’t know what I would do without you,” he says. “I’ll make sure you’re safe, baby.” The look on his face is determination, and my stomach sinks. I reach up and run my hand down his face. He closes his eyes and leans into my touch.

  “Don’t do anything crazy,” I say. “Because I’ve been without you, and it’s no fun living with half a heart.” I’m dead serious when I say those words, and he opens his eyes. The room grows smaller, and between my hormones and River Dawson I become needy. He knows. He leans down, and I lean up. Our lips meet, and he bites my bottom lip before his tongue grazes my teeth and I open my mouth. He lifts me so I am straddling him and I push down, wanting to feel him. His big hands run up the back of my nightgown before he lifts it over my head and tosses it onto the floor. My breasts are sore, and he gently kisses them. I arch my back, pressing them closer to him and running my hands up the back of his neck.

  This is my favorite pastime. I can’t get enough of this man. He looks up, and the want in his eyes and the feel of his hardness between my thighs tell me he can’t get enough of me either. I’m completely naked as I straddle him, and with his hands on my hips, he lifts me before he pulls himself out of his sweats and guides me down on top of him until he is fully seated inside me. I can’t help the sounds I make as he lets me take control. I can’t help how loud I am when I come and how much I love the look on his face when he does, too.

  ***

  Dreams find me that night, and I’m in a field of wheat grass. A little girl is in the distance, and I can make out dirty blonde hair a
nd brown eyes. Little curls bounce as she giggles and throws her arms in the air. Closing her eyes, she twirls around. The bright sun disappears, and dark clouds roll in. I hear thunder and smell rain. Her eyes open, and I tell her to come to me.

  “I wish I could have known you,” she says.

  “B?” I hear.

  “What do you mean?” I ask, ignoring the voice in the distance. The girl steps backward, and I see her hand start to fade away. “Wait.” I walk toward her. Her arms vanish as I start to run.

  “Maddie.” I hear, and the ground beneath my feet starts to move.

  “Stop,” I say as tears fill my eyes. I run fast, but the faster I run the farther away she gets. Her legs are gone now, and as I finally get to her and try to wrap her in my arms she disappears.

  “Maddie, baby, wake up!”

  I jump awake, feeling my heart pound against my chest cavity. I feel wetness between my legs and push my hair out of my face as I throw the covers off me. Looking down, I gasp before I look over at River.

  “You’re bleeding, baby,” he says, jumping up and throwing on a T-shirt. He’s moving fast, and I can’t wrap my head around any of this. “Come on.” He walks to my side of the bed, helping me up before he grabs my coat and pants. “Put these on,” he says as he heads over to grab his Nikes. “Maddie, put your clothes on.” I stand to put them on, seeing the blood on the inside of my thighs. My heart falls, and I have the worst feeling because I know. I know our baby is gone, but I say nothing as River lifts me and walks us out of the loft.

  Chapter Twenty-Seven

  RIVER DAWSON

  “Things like this happen sometimes,” the doctor tells us. “Try again in a few months.”

  We do try again in a few months. We try and try, and nothing happens. They run tests and tell us B has poor egg quality and that our chances are not good. She’s devastated, and I am because she is. Sweet love gets it in her head. She wants to give me a baby, and she can’t. It just isn’t working out for us. It isn’t in the cards. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her turning back to drugs. She’s in pain, and pain for a drug addict isn’t good.

  “You should just get out now,” she tells me.

  “Stop talking stupid.”

  “I’m serious. I’m giving you an out. I can’t have kids, and I know you want one of your own. I can’t give you that, so this is your chance.”

  “Don’t do this,” I say, looking at her coldly. “Don’t you fucking push me away, B.”

  “I’m just telling you the situation, River.”

  “I know the situation. I’ve lived it right beside you,” I say, placing my hands onto the countertop. She’s on the other side, elbows propped up and hands through her hair.

  “Well, if you were smart, you would take my offer,” she tells me. “Do you really want a life with no kid of your own? That’s not fair. That’s not what I want for you.”

  “It’s not your choice, and sometimes life isn’t fair.”

  “You will resent me,” she says. “I can’t handle that.”

  “I don’t want a kid if it’s not with you.”

  “You only mean that now, River. You will change your mind.”

  “I’m done talking about this stupid shit. Don’t bring it up again,” I say, walking out of the kitchen. I grab my keys before I walk out, sliding the door shut with such force it bounces back and doesn’t close all the way. I stand by the wall and listen as B cries, not knowing what to do and praying with everything in me she doesn’t turn back to drugs.

  Please, please, don’t do it, B.

  Chapter Twenty-Eight

  I walk around our loft, empty and craving. I’ve lost my child. My baby. I run a hand through my hair and rub down my face as I stop and look out my windows. My mind feels like a blank canvas. My conscience is the pencil, and it starts to draw lines of guilt and regret. I can’t give him a child. There isn’t a high chance they said. I need something so bad right now. I rack my brain to think of a way, but then my heart comes into play, and I think about trying for more babies and maybe there could be a chance. Who really knows what could happen? I don’t want my baby growing in a body that is dependent on drugs. I refuse to let that happen. I will not let that happen.

  I take in a deep breath and turn away from the window. I need sugar or something to take the edge off. I need something to get my mind off this shit. I walk to the kitchen and grab a handful of sour candy out of my jar and put them into my mouth, sucking on them and making a face. This isn’t it. This isn’t what I want, but I will fight through this. I won’t go back this time. I can’t.

  ***

  I don’t know what to do. I’ve turned my house upside down, trying to think of a place I may have left some pills hidden. Some hiding spots I just didn’t think of before. My hand is on my phone and a number I remember is in place, ready to call. I look down at it, biting my nails. Do I want to do this? I think about the dope sickness and the pain on River’s face. I shake my head and let out a small, pathetic laugh. “Things get hard and you go back. What, oh what, is wrong with you, Maddie B? Why can’t you get right?” I say to myself, tossing the phone with disgust and falling back onto the couch. Running both hands through my scalp, I think of the baby I lost and start to cry. I put my hands over my face and let the tears run out of me. Why does life have to give me so much shit? “You make this hard,” I say as I cast my eyes to the ceiling. “You make me want what I don’t need!” I yell as I cry more.

  Chapter Twenty-Nine

  River Dawson

  I park my truck at a local bar downtown and make my way inside. Sitting down at the bar, I order a beer and take a sip when it’s slid in front of me. The ballgame is on and my eyes watch, but my mind is on other things. How can I convince this woman that I only want her? Yeah, I want a kid, but if she isn’t the one helping me raise it, then I don’t give a shit.

  Some noise at the front door causes me to look behind me, and I see a few boys I know from way back walk in. The Brothers have always been around, and I have a feeling they aren’t walking in here by coincidence. They sit down at the bar beside me, and I pretend to be interested in the TV until one of them speaks.

  “Dawson.” I turn to look at the man sitting beside me. Long beard and tattoos on the back of his neck. I don’t reply, but raise a brow in question and look down at the rest of them. “We hear your boy owes a good bit of money,” the bearded man says. I still don’t speak. “We also hear that if he doesn’t pay this money, they are going to take his life. That’s putting you in danger,” he adds.

  “Don’t worry about me,” I reply, picking up my beer.

  “Well, you see that’s not something I have a say over. You need to get rid of him.”

  “How is that helping anything?”

  “It puts you out of the loop. We need you out of the loop.” I shake my head and look back at the TV. “We’ll be around,” he tells me before they all get up and walk out. I ask for a shot and chase it with the rest of my beer.

  Chapter Thirty

  I wake sometime later and clear my throat when I sit up. I must have cried myself to sleep. As I move my hair out of my face, my eyes land on my phone. I need to call my sponsor. I need to go to a meeting. I can’t walk down this road again. My body can’t handle it. River doesn’t deserve to have to go through this crap. I sigh and stand to grab my phone off the floor. Looking for my sponsor’s number, I hit Call and wait for her to pick up.

  “Maddie?” She sounds surprised to hear me, and she should. I never call. Yeah, I’m really good at this sobriety stuff.

  “Hey,” I say, sounding tired from sleep and crying.

  “Are you okay?” she asks.

  “No,” I say. “No. Once again, I’m not.”

  Chapter Thirty-One

  River Dawson

  I don’t have to tell Rozz anything because the next day he isn’t at work. I try to call, but he doesn’t answer. We make Fisher stay with us that evening, and the next day I ride
over to Rozz’s place. Walking into the apartment, I see the door has been kicked in and his shit is thrown everywhere. I’m careful not to touch anything, but I know what I’m looking for. I step over couch cushions and broken chairs as I make my way to the back of the apartment. Walking into what I assume is his bedroom, I slide the bed to the side and lift the wooden floor up, revealing a safe. Unlocking it with the code Rozz gave me, I see a note inside and some things regarding Fisher. I take it all and head back home, thinking how the fuck am I going to explain all of this to a nine-year-old boy. You see, the people Rozz is mixed up with will never stop. They will get their money, but Rozz will forever be stuck dealing with them. I’m surprised they’ve gone this long without contact. The night he told me about his problem, I knew he was in serious shit, and a few nights after that he asked me something life changing.