Scattered Colors

by Jessica Prince

  He cupped my cheeks and lifted my face so I could look at him. “Freya, don’t you ever apologize for trying to find your happiness. I’d love nothing more than for you to stay close to me for the rest of your life, but if you don’t think you can be happy here, then I want you to find that place where you can. I owe you this, sweetheart. You never once put up a fight when I packed our lives away and moved you all the way across the country. I’ll stand by whatever decision you make. There’s nowhere in the world that’s too far away from me to visit you.”

  “Thank you,” I whispered.

  “Where are you thinking about going?”

  I pulled the papers from behind me and set them in my lap, the both of us looking down at the familiar seal at the top of my acceptance letter. A faint smile touched my father’s lips as he ran his fingers over the three torches and interwoven banner.

  His gaze finally returned to mine, a knowing look on his face as his own eyes clouded over with tears. “All right, baby girl. You follow your sunset.”

  I lunged for him, wrapping my arms around his waist. “I love you so much, Daddy.”

  “I love you, too, Freya,” he spoke against the top of my hair. “Never, ever doubt that for a second.”

  I hated my life.

  I hated my dad for everything he’d done. I hated that my mom wasn’t able to let go of the past and get better. I hated having to pretend I could stand Cassidy touching me. But most of all, I hated having to look at the girl who held my heart every single day and see the brilliance of her blue eyes fade and dull as time passed. I wanted her back. I wanted to be able to hold her and touch her and kiss her. I wanted to be near her and let her make my world better. I wanted to make her eyes shine again.

  Graduation day was supposed to be a happy day, but as I stood with my classmates, all of us decked out in bright, royal blue caps and gowns, I couldn’t find it in myself to feel the same excitement as those around me. I’d spent the entire ceremony staring at the back of Freya’s head, silently willing her to turn around so I could see her beautiful face. She never did. It felt like a cloud hung over me as I walked across that stage and accepted my diploma. I was going through the motions. In the enthusiastic chaos that followed the ceremony, I was able to duck out without Cassidy or anyone else spotting me. I drove home on autopilot, wanting nothing more than to crawl into bed and ignore the rest of the world.

  My spine stiffened and my instincts went on high-alert the moment I pushed through the front door.

  “Get out!” I heard my mom scream from the kitchen just before the sound of glass breaking echoed through the space. I rushed to the doorway just in time to see my father duck as she hurled another glass toward his head. “I said get out!” Mom screamed. “Go back to your whore!”

  Oh, God. Oh, no. No, no, no, no. She knew. After everything I’d done to protect her, she knew. “Mom, please,” I tried to coax at the same time my father spoke up. “Jesus Christ, Martha. Calm the hell down! It’s not what you think—”

  “Don’t tell me it’s not what I think. I know what I saw!” she yelled back. “Get the hell out of my house. I want a divorce!”

  “Fine!” Dad bellowed as he stepped over the broken glass. “I don’t need this shit anyway.” He shoved past me and out of the kitchen. Seconds later, I heard the front door slam and the sound of his tires spitting up gravel as he took off. What had just happened? I felt like I’d just walked into an alternate universe.

  The sound of my mother’s sobs yanked me back into reality as I went to her and wrapped my arms around her tiny frame. “Shh,” I soothed into her hair. “It’s okay. It’ll be okay.” I wasn’t sure who I said those words for, me or her. After everything I’d done to prevent her from finding out about my father’s cheating, it still hadn’t been enough. Terror ran through me at the thought of what she was going to do.

  I led her from the kitchen into the living room, sitting with her on the couch as her sobs slowly tapered off. When she’d finished crying, she pulled back and looked at me. Even with red rims from crying, I saw something in her eyes I hadn’t expected…determination.

  “I’m not going to break,” she spoke sincerely. “I need a lot of help, Parker, but I’m not going to break. I promise you that.”

  I spent hours holding my crying mother as we spoke of what needed to be done. At the end of it all, I helped her to her bedroom and gave her a sleeping pill so she’d be able to get some rest. I descended the stairs once I was sure she was out for the night. Weary from the day’s events, I ran my hands over my face roughly as I stepped into the kitchen and stared out the large windows at the water. The sun had begun to lower, the sky blanketed in deep oranges and yellows as the day pushed to an end. It was right then that it hit me. My mom knew the truth. She knew and she was going to be okay.

  With a renewed sense of hope, I pulled the back door open and rushed from the house. It was as though my feet knew where to carry me without my brain having to form a coherent thought. With each step toward that beach…our beach, I sent up prayers that she’d be there, that she’d hear me out, let me explain why I’d done everything I had. My heart beat rapidly in my chest as I ran down the path. I breathed my first real breath the moment my feet hit the sandy beach. She sat on our log, bathed in the last rays of daylight. My heart. My world. She was so damn beautiful it made me ache.

  “Freya.” My voice came out rough and gravelly as I spoke her name. I wanted to rush her and wrap her in my arms, but the closed-off expression that took over her face once the surprise faded away told me I needed to keep my distance.

  “What are you doing here?”

  “I need to talk to you.”

  She turned her back on me, staring out at the darkening water as she replied, “There’s nothing left to say. I want you to leave.”

  Desperation took over and I couldn’t stay back. Walking to her, I crouched down and took her hands in mine. “I can’t do that, gorgeous. Please don’t ask me to.”

  She tried pulling away, but I held on like my life depended on it. It did depend on it. “Don’t touch me,” she seethed, fighting against me. “Parker, let me go!”

  “Please.” My voice was hoarse as I begged. I let go of her hands just long enough to cup her cheeks in my hands. “Please. You have to let me explain, baby. You have to. I’m so sorry I hurt you, but I had a reason—”

  “I don’t care!” she screamed as she slapped my hands away and scurried from the log. I rose to my full height and reached for her again, only to have her step back. “I don’t care what your reasons were. I don’t care that you’re sorry. I don’t care!”

  I was in her space in a blink of an eye, my hands clenched into fists at my sides to prevent me from grabbing hold of her. “You have to let me explain!”

  “I don’t have to do anything! We’re done, Parker. You said that yourself. I’m not your girlfriend or your friend. I don’t owe you a damn thing.”

  God, why did she have to be so stubborn?

  My breathing was erratic, my chest rose and fell as I tried to hold on to my rapidly deteriorating control. “You are mine! You gave yourself to me, no one else. You said it yourself.”

  “And you ruined it!” Tears broke free and ran down her cheeks, each one gutting me as they fell. “I loved you and you ruined it! You betrayed me. I’ll never forgive you for what you did, Parker. I’m leaving this god-forsaken place and I’m never looking back.”

  “What? No!”

  This wasn’t how it was supposed to go. Everything was all wrong. She wasn’t supposed to leave me. She was supposed to stay in Sommerspoint and forgive me. She was mine, goddamn it! She couldn’t leave!

  “Come tomorrow morning, I’m gone.” Each word she spoke undid me. “I’m leaving and I never want to see you again.”

  “You can’t leave.” I choked on the words as my own tears broke free. It wasn’t supposed to happen like this. We were supposed to be together. There was a reason we found each other. “Please don’t leave m
e, Freya. Please.”

  I watched on in misery as she steeled her spine and lifted her chin after brushing the tears from her cheeks. “It’s done.”

  As she turned and walked away, something inside me broke. I couldn’t breathe; the pain I felt was more potent, more overwhelming than anything I’d ever felt before. As I fell to my knees on our beach, I turned my head just long enough to see that purple and blue sky fade to black. In that moment, alone on the beach in darkness, I let the silent tears fall for everything I’d lost in my life. The night wrapped around me, cloaking my world in black once again.

  I hung my head and closed my eyes, letting myself feel the loss of Freya…

  My heart.

  My world.

  “Hey, Mom. I’m home?” Dropping my books by the front door, I headed into the living room where my mom was sitting, placing a kiss on the top of her head before turning toward the kitchen. I needed a beer like nobody’s business. Between work, classes, missing Freya constantly, and the never-ending concern for my mother’s wellbeing, I felt like I was standing in a sinking boat, trying desperately to keep it from taking on any more water and failing miserably.

  “Hi, sweetie.” She smiled up at me, looking better than she had in a really long time.

  “You look good, Mom. You have a good day?”

  “I did, honey. It was a very good day. But I need you to have a seat. We need to talk.”

  “What’s going on?” I asked as I sat next to her, concern taking a firm hold of my insides and twisting them in knots. “Is everything okay?”

  “No, honey. Everything isn’t okay, and that’s my fault, but I’m hoping like hell that it’s not too late to fix things.”

  “What are you talking about?” Her ominous words did nothing to uncoil the dread sitting heavily in the pit of my stomach.

  “I’ve been a horrible mother…” When I opened my mouth to argue, her hand came up, effectively silencing me. “It’s true. I let Toby’s death destroy me so badly that I lost sight of the fact that I had another son who needed me. The things you’ve seen, the things you’ve had to do…” Her voice broke at the end as tears welled up in her eyes. I wanted to comfort her, tell her none of this was necessary, that she didn’t need to apologize because I understood, but she pushed through. “No child should ever have to take care of a parent, Parker. No child should have to shield their mother from all of the bad in the world; it’s supposed to be the other way around. And the things you had to live through…I’ll never be able to apologize enough. I let you down, sweetie. I failed you when I should have been there for you, and I’ll spend the rest of my life regretting what I’ve put you through these last five years.”

  “Mom, you don’t have to—”

  “Please,” she interrupted. “Please just let me say this, okay?” I closed my mouth and nodded. “I’m so very sorry for everything I’ve put you through.” My mother’s tears finally broke free, falling down her cheeks as she took my hands in hers. “I know you’ve given up a lot for me and I’m so thankful that I have you, but it’s time for that to stop. It’s time for me to start doing what’s best for you, Parker.”

  “I don’t understand. What brought all of this on?”

  Reaching beneath one of the throw pillows, she pulled out the stack of papers I’d kept hidden in the drawer of my bedside table; papers that were worn and wrinkled from years of handling.

  “You know, I’ve always wondered just how much you’ve given up in order to protect me from the things you were afraid I couldn’t handle.”

  “Mom, I…” the knot in my throat made it nearly impossible to speak. “I did what I had to. You needed me. I don’t regret it or hold it against you. After what happened…” I had to clear my throat against a lump which threatened to choke me at the reminder of that horrible day. “After that day…I couldn’t just leave you. I can’t,” I insisted adamantly. “We’re all each other has.”

  “I know I haven’t been there for you when you needed me, but I saw how everything that happened with Toby changed you. I saw how lost you were. I was so thankful when that girl moved in next door because I finally saw my son, my Parker coming back, but then she left and your spark disappeared with her.”

  “I did what I had to do,” I spoke softly, brokenly.

  “Oh, honey.” Mom’s hands squeezed mine with more strength than I ever knew she had. “And now I’m doing what I need to do.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I filled out your transfer papers and sent them in.”

  I sat speechless for several seconds, my jaw hanging open before I finally shot up from the couch. “You what?”

  “What’s the expression kids your age use? Oh, yeah. It’s time to shit or get off the pot, Parker. I simply sped the process along.”

  “I can’t…I’m just…” I was speechless. “I can’t leave you all by yourself—”

  She held up her hand to cut me off. “I’m not by myself, Park. I have friends I see on a regular basis. I have a life. I know that first year was hard and I leaned on you for a lot, but I’ve been seeing Dr. Crowley for two years now, honey. She and I have already talked about this. I’m in a good place. I’m happy, really and truly happy. There will never be a day when I don’t miss your brother like crazy, but I’m not letting it define me anymore. It’s your turn now, sweetheart.”

  Reaching up, my mom cupped my cheek in her soft hand. “I want you to be happy, honey. If this…”she lifted the papers in her hand. “…is where you need to be to be happy again, then I want you to go.”

  Looking down at the Florida State University paperwork in her hand, I shook my head as sorrow set in. “It’s been too long, Mom. She hates me.”

  “My sweet boy,” she murmured lovingly. “Then change her mind.”

  “It’s not that simple. I went to find her the night you left Dad. I tried so damn hard to explain but she wouldn’t listen. It’s over, Mom. It’s too late.” I thought back to that night on the beach and recalled the hurt in those gorgeous blue eyes. I’d watched the wall I’d worked tirelessly to break down fall back into place with just one sentence.

  “Then make it right.”

  “How?” I croaked.

  “That’s something you’ll have to figure out on your own, my sweet boy. But I’m here for you no matter what. If you love that girl then get her back. Do anything and everything you have to. Just don’t give up.”

  My cellphone began going off in my purse as I hurried through campus toward the parking lot. Pulling it out, a happy grin spread across my face at the number on my screen.

  “Spritely Stella!” I cheered in lieu of hello.

  “Birthday girl!” she shouted back. “How’s it going, baby cakes?”

  “Oh, you know, running late as usual.”

  “Ooooh, Piper’s going to kick your ass,” Stella joked. She knew as well as I did that my roommate had no qualms about giving me crap if I caused a delay in the start of her fun-filled night. I met Piper as soon as I got to Florida. We’d been assigned as roommates freshman year and hit it off instantly. She was exactly what I needed to help me through the dark I’d been struggling with when I first arrived. Sassy, to the point, and with as much energy as an entire cheerleading squad, she quickly became my “Florida Stella”. Whenever I got to the point where I really began to miss my fiery little redhead, Piper was there to pull me out of my funk. Between her and Stella, I had the best support network a girl could ever ask for.

  “Oh, whatever,” I huffed as I climbed into my car, pulling the phone from my ear as the Bluetooth kicked in. “We’re going out for my birthday anyway. I can be late if I wanna.”

  “Ah,” Stella’s voice rang through my car speakers as I pulled out of the parking lot, speeding toward my apartment complex. “Is someone feeling pouty that her BFF isn’t there for her birthday?” she teased. Stella had made several trips down to Florida for the past two years, making sure at least one trip was specifically for my birthday. This year, howev
er, she had to delay her trip by a week and I was starting to miss her like crazy.”

  “It’s all your stupid boyfriend’s fault,” I grumbled, earning a tinkling of laughter from my friend.

  “That’s fiancé now. Get it right.” I smiled to myself at the reminder that my best friend was engaged to the love of her life. Some people thought they were rushing into things seeing as they were only twenty, but I didn’t have a doubt in my mind that they’d last. As Stella said, when you know, you know. And she knew she wanted to spend the rest of her life with Michael. I couldn’t have been happier for Stella. She was over the moon.

  “Yeah, yeah. It’s all Michael’s fault. He just had to schedule the movers for this weekend. He couldn’t have waited to live in sin for one more week?” I joked.

  “What can I say? I got it going on. He couldn’t wait a second longer to tie me down.”

  “Well, you can tell him I said he owes me. I accept payment in the form of chocolate. If he doesn’t send you down here with a box full of sweets next week, I’ll never forgive him.”

  “I’ll make sure he knows.” I could hear the smile in her voice as she spoke. “And just a heads-up, we’re totally going shopping for bridesmaids dresses while I’m there. I’m thinking taffeta and florescent colors.” Her voice grew deep with her pathetic attempt at an evil laugh. We talked for a few more minutes before I pulled into the parking lot of my complex.

  “Have fun tonight, Freya. You’re a twenty-year-old college student. Go out and act like it, damn it. Make questionable choices and drink too much.”

  “Yes, Mother,” I laughed.

  “Love you, sweets. I’ll see you in a week.”

  “Love you back,” I said before I hung up and climbed from my car.

  As I rounded the landing of the second level on the way to my and Piper’s third floor apartment, I could hear the sounds of deep, masculine voices carrying across the breeze way.

  “Feisty Freya!” I came around the corner just in time to see Caleb, our neighbor and Piper’s boyfriend, drop a stack of boxes at his feet. He rushed, wrapping me in a big bear hug just like he did every time I saw him. “How’s it going, birthday girl?”