“You can right what you’ve done,” she pleaded. “You can help me. Make the pain stop. I can’t bear it anymore. It’s killing me more than any death on the outside. Please.” She reached, grabbing my hands. “I’m begging you. Don’t make me suffer anymore. I … hurt.”
Before I could stop myself, I was pulling Lydia into my arms and holding on to her for dear life—for her life. Had I thought she wasn’t suicidal? That she was in denial? I was wrong. So wrong. All it would take was an episode like this. One that made her believe killing herself was the only option, and she’d be gone forever.
“You have to be completely honest with me right now. Are there certain thoughts bringing you down, or is it entirely emotion-based?”
Fingers gripped to my suit jacket along the sides of my back. She was pulling me impossibly closer as she squeezed tightly to my ribcage. “I don’t know. There’s only one thought that comes when this happens, and it’s that I can’t take it anymore. Maybe I’ve learned to block everything else away. It’s just this feeling. There’s so much weight inside. I’m drowning. If I could—”
Sobs replaced the rest of her sentence. My eyes closed and I knew what she meant. If she was able to cut, she could prolong what wanted to come.
“I can’t let you do that. If it’s pain you need, that I can give you. You won’t bleed out like you feel you need to, but the pain is a way of release.” I leaned back, staring down into her face as she looked up. “It won’t be severe pain. More, intense and steady. But I think it will work.”
What the fuck was I doing? Giving her what she wanted? What she needed? That’s not the way I was taught to go about this. I had to break her down and rebuild her. But wasn’t she already broken? Jesus. And me, I wanted this. I wanted to hurt her in the way I was imagining. It wasn’t right. I needed to leave this room and lock the door behind me. It was imperative she deal with this on her own and not become dependent on me.
“The paddle?”
Lydia’s eyes searched mine while I tried to find a way to backtrack. For the life of me, I couldn’t.
“There’s other ways. Other … tools. Floggers, crops, whips ...”
“Sexual stuff.” It wasn’t a question, more of an answer out loud.
“They can be used sexually, yes.”
For seconds she stared up at me.
“And for me?”
“Relief, that’s all.” For now.
I took Lydia’s hand, hesitantly leading her to the door. Everything I had been taught was screaming at me to stop this right now. This wasn’t her way. She needed to discover other tactics to deal with her addictions. Not this. Of course, maybe if she did decide to live and transfer her addictions to something healthier, something monitored like this, she could get past her episodes. Learn to battle the ups and downs. I could help her. I could change her life if only she’d allow me to. I already knew I wanted to keep her. There was no question about that in my mind, but what if she didn’t want me? What if she decided to live and then chose to leave and be alone or do this with someone else? My way.
Fuck no. I couldn’t think about that. My stomach was sickened at the thought.
“Will I have a safeword?”
I almost paused at the question. Instead, I led her down the stairs. “What do you know about safewords?”
Lydia glanced over, but I could see the anxiety in her features at our situation.
“I dated a guy for about a month a few years back. He was into the BDSM lifestyle. It was … a crazy month.”
One of my eyebrows rose and I couldn’t stop the smile from tugging at the corner of my lips. Her expression amused me and quashed the jealousy that arose from hearing of her with another man. “It can be very intense at times. What all did he do to you?”
We rounded the corner and headed to the side entrance of the kitchen. Lydia slowed as she stared ahead at the basement door.
“He, uh, spanked me a few times. Tied me up even more. That’s about it, really. Although I enjoyed the experience, he was a cheater. I wasn’t going that route.”
“Smart girl.” I twisted the knob to the basement, pushing the door open. Lydia gazed into the darkness, pulling back the slightest as I tried to lead her forward.
“The safeword? I’ll have one, right?”
My lips pressed together and I shook my head. “I’m always in charge. You’re just going to have to trust me.”
“Trust you? But you have me here. What you’ve done…”
Back and forth her eyes darted from me to the pitch black void ahead. I reached over, pulling the cord to the light.
“What I have done is what is best for you. Deep down, I think you know my intentions toward you are noble. You may live at the end of this, or die, but one thing we’ll both know for certain is that when the time comes, you’re going to be one hundred percent sure on your choice.” I gave a small squeeze to her fingers. “Do you want me to take the pain away? I can do that. We won’t leave from here until you’re better.”
Lydia let out a long exhale and took a step toward me. She didn’t fight as I led her down. She didn’t even seem afraid of the multiple devices and tools scattered around the room. When her stare stopped on the bed with the suspended cuffs hanging in the middle, she stiffened.
“It’s okay. You won’t have to worry about those.” I held in the smile at her intrigue and led her over to the St. Andrews cross. She was barely looking at it as her attention was still on the bed. “Take off the dress.”
Her mouth opened, but no words came.
“Take it off, slave. I’ve already seen you naked.” Hesitantly, she reached down, pulling the fabric over her head. The need to take in her body was there, but I kept my attention on her face. “Good. Now turn around, lift your arms, and spread your legs.”
All her movements screamed of sudden fear. Her body was trembling and her breaths were coming out faster. I tried to ignore the way I was responding to her curves and what we were about to do, but I couldn’t push away my own needs. How many times had I fantasized about this very thing? God, I wanted her … just like this.
The leather against my fingers was heaven as I buckled in her wrists and crouched to bind her ankles. In a quick glance, I took in her ass and pussy only inches before me. To lean forward and taste her, pleasure her… Fuck, I would have given everything I owned.
“If you hurt me. Like, really hurt me …”
I stood, stepping into her body. “Oh, I’m going to hurt you, but I’m betting before we leave here you’re going to like it. Maybe even beg me for more.”
My eyes closed as I cursed myself and took in her scent. How was it possible for a smell to make everything fade away? To wipe out orders instilled within? This was her life I was dealing with. And my happiness. I couldn’t mess this up.
“Don’t sound too confident.” Lydia glanced back at me, something flashing in her eyes before she turned to face ahead. “I have to be honest. I know what all of this is. Quite brilliant, really—this false choice you’ve given me—that you probably give everyone. These methods, the videos and lessons, they’re set up to make us doubt our want to die. To add guilt so we choose life. And maybe over time it twists our minds to want to choose the alternative, but I see through this game. What you’re about to do … maybe it’ll work for today, but this isn’t some miracle cure for someone like me. There is no recourse against death when you’re this far gone. Ultimately, what you’re trying to program into me isn’t going to work. What I feel isn’t grief or disappointment I’ve tragically experienced over the years. My soul had its bags packed since birth.”
Anger swirled as I stepped back and headed for the tools lining the wall. Blindly, I grabbed one of the floggers. My chest was aching at her declaration. I knew what she felt. We were one and the same. The only difference was, I’d conquered death. She would too.
“Time to finally unpack then, slave. Deep breath.”
I reared back, listening to the leather straps slide agains
t each other. With a strength I rarely used, I brought my arm forward. The connection against her ass was followed by a deep gasp. Lydia’s body locked up and her fists clenched. The cry was delayed, barely making it out before I let the flogger slap against her again.
“Fuck! Oh, God!”
“Keep saying that.”
My arm crossed my chest as I brought it back to get the other side of her ass. Lydia’s body jolted and she sobbed. But she didn’t struggle in panic. No, her back was arched. The sight drove me crazy. My cock was so hard for her. For this. She was it. The one. My mind wouldn’t stop repeating that as I continued to strike her.
“You feel that sting? Feels good, doesn’t it?”
“Mo-re.”
The welts on her legs were darkening to a bright red. The raised skin called me to trace over it. I’d done this before, and it spoke to my inner sadist, but I had never got this feeling. My mind was getting foggy. All of my focus was on the shape of her body and what I was doing to it. What she wanted me to do.
I gave the side of her leg one last shock, barely able to control my pulse as I surged forward. Before I knew it, I had her hair fisted and my teeth were grazing along her neck, biting at her skin with gentle tugs. A deep moan filled the air, pulling me from what I was doing.
What the hell was I doing?
“I’m … sorry.” Silk fell through my fingers as I opened my grip and stepped back in disbelief.
“Don’t stop.”
Lydia’s head turned to try to look at me, but I stepped further back, denying her access. There was no telling what she would see on my face, and with her request, I was more confused than ever.
“Master?”
“We’re not finished. I’m …” Another step back. “Time for the crop.”
Silence stretched out as I walked over and grasped the handle. I blinked through the shock of what I’d done, turning to face her, again. Just the sight of her body had the worry fading in the background.
“I’m going to focus on your back. Then I’m going to move to your legs. I will repeat this process until I feel you’ve had enough.”
I stopped behind her, gathering her hair to place it over her shoulder.
“What, no more biting?”
My jaw clenched as I forced myself back. “No. Now close your eyes and feel.”
I began a steady rhythm along her lower back, keeping a safe distance from her kidney area. As I traveled upward, I increased the power of the taps. Lydia’s head leaned back and again she arched. From the vibrations tingling my skin, my adrenaline was at an all-time high. Was she wet? How much was she really enjoying this? She didn’t seem so anxious anymore.
Blood tinged my mouth and I barely felt the pain from biting my bottom lip. I tapped just below her shoulder blade and traced the end to the side of the middle of her back, making a path back down to just outside the base of her spine. A whimper leaving Lydia had my arm jerking back, and then shooting forward.
Whack!
The connection to her ass had a deep moan mixing with a growl. I wasn’t sure which came from me.
“God, again, Master.”
Whack! Whack!
Lydia’s hips moved repeatedly as she took deep breaths.
Whack! Whack! Whack!
I transitioned to the other side of her ass, watching it turn even redder as I continued.
“We have to …” Continuous sounds echoed around as she kept trying to move. “We have to stop,” she said, breathlessly.
I knew she wasn’t close to being at her pain threshold. My eyes narrowed as I took in her movements. Dammit, she was just as turned on as I was. She hadn’t been moving from the pain, but more for the stimulation to her clit. She needed it, and from as wide as her legs were, she wasn’t getting enough.
“We continue.”
“I can’t.”
I stepped in, regardless that I shouldn’t. Knowing how turned on she was completely disintegrated my resolve. My body eased into hers and I lowered my head until my lips were even with her ear.
“What’s the matter, slave, don’t you like it?”
Lydia’s face turned the slightest amount into mine and I couldn’t stop myself from rubbing my nose along the side of her cheek. My lips brushed along her ear and she shivered against me.
“I … do. But …”
“But, what?”
Darkness enveloped me as I closed my eyes. My hand was suddenly gripping into her hip. I squeezed through the softening coming over me.
“I can’t be saved.”
The husky whisper had my lids easing up. “You underestimate me.” My hand rose along her side, barely existent against her skin. “I’m going to try with everything I have. I won’t give up.”
Dark blue eyes met mine as she pulled back to look at me. Her lips trembled and she sucked in air to regulate her breathing, but still she taunted me. “You should. You’re investing your time in something you’re not going to win. You’re a businessman. Can’t you see a bad deal when you come across one?”
“Bad deal?” My head shook. “More like the investment of the century.”
“You don’t mean that.” She nearly choked the words out. Confusion masked her face. Weight from her breast settled over my hand and I held to her as I searched the changing expressions.
“You know I do. I have all the time in the world. Do you want to put it to the test? Work with me. Take your lessons seriously. Let me show you what I can do for you. I promise you won’t regret it.”
Chapter 14
Lydia
My back and ass were on fire from the mastery of Jaime’s beating, and to say I hadn’t enjoyed it would be a lie. But it wasn’t enough. “I’m not worried about my regrets. It’s yours I’m trying to spare you from. Hear me when I say, this is a war you cannot win. I’m doomed.”
Determination merged with anger on Jaime’s face only to disappear. “Wrong answer. If you can’t believe in yourself, then we can work on that. But never doubt what I’m capable of. I don’t lose.”
He stepped back and I braced myself for what I knew was coming—more relief.
Whack! Whack! Whack! Whack!
I gasped and felt my eyes flare at the fire that met each slap of the crop along my thigh. My clit pulsed and I jerked against the cuffs that held my hands trapped. God, I couldn’t stop the response of my body. I wanted to touch myself through the pain and there was nothing I could do about it. Lust left me desperate for something, anything, to relieve the ache in my lower stomach.
Whack! Whack!
“When you think of the perfect life, what do you see?”
“What?” The pitch of my voice rose as the crop connected against my opposite thigh.
“Your perfect life. What does it look like?
I blinked past the question, trying to get my mind to focus. I couldn’t think of anything besides the need surging within.
Whack!
“I don’t know,” I rushed out.
“You better decide fast. You have five seconds.”
“Five sec—?”
“Four. Three.”
My mouth opened, only to shut. “A home. Maybe a dog. No more emotional pain.”
“Good start.”
The crop traced down to the inside of my knee, only to travel back up. Oxygen locked in my chest as I waited for him to continue higher. When he stopped and rose to the inside of my thigh, I couldn’t stop the groan from escaping.
“Keep going, slave.”
The arousal faded with the hurt that was beginning to seep through. I didn’t want to think about this. It was for nothing. Even if I manage to find happiness again, I knew for a fact that these suicidal thoughts would steal it from me. They had for as long as I remembered. Nothing would change that.
Whack!
“I’m waiting.”
“This is bullshit. The perfect life doesn’t exist.” I panted through the pain pulsing over my heated flesh. “Especially for someone like me.”
“Someone like you? Who exactly do you think you are that you don’t deserve to be happy?”
Tears escaped at my frustration. Jaime would never understand. He hadn’t made my choices, or put up with the things that I had. It was all my fault. All of it. I had no one to blame but myself.
“I’m not speaking to hear my own voice. Answer. Who are you?”
Whack!
“Fuck!” I jerked against the cuffs, struggling to form the words. “I’m me—the victim, the druggie, the freak that can’t stop slicing open her skin because she not only likes the pain and blood, but because she can’t function unless she does. I’m the doormat, the one everything thinks is fake or dislikes because I’m too pretty or too nice. I’m the failure in every way. The forgotten, the abandoned, the sexually abused, the beaten, the mom who was never given the chance. Need I go on? I can’t do this!”
More sobs. Dammit, I was falling apart all over again. My voice was raw. I just wanted this over with. I wanted to disappear. To forget these conflicting feelings Jaime was evoking. “Let me down.”
Whack! Whack! Whack!
“Please!”
“Do you know what I see?” A light tapping began on my ass, over the painful areas, traveling up my back as he began. “I see a beautiful, smart, and courageous woman. A survivor who has been through hell and has the opportunity to bounce back and do things she never imagined possible. I see a fighter, not a coward. You could have killed yourself at any point in these last few months and you didn’t. Why?”
The crying faded as I was faced with the truth. A truth that was mangled within me in ways I couldn’t even begin to unravel. I had thought deep in the back of my mind that maybe … no. There was no way I held any feelings whatsoever for the man behind me. I couldn’t. But I did and it made no sense. I hadn’t known him at all. I still didn’t. He was a bigger mystery than ever, yet…
“Do I need to crop you again?”
My head turned and Jaime’s silhouette came into my peripheral. I quickly faced the front and stared at the black cement wall before me.
Insufferable: A Dark Erotic Romance Page 10
