Two Dogs Monty: Easy to read, hilarious story of a lad falling in love, two crazy dogs, and a bizarre gang of criminals. (Two Dogs Monty Series Book 1)

by Bill Day

  I smile, “I won’t be weird Sonia.”

  “Good. Here they come.” Enrico and Mary drive up to the basement entrance. We walk over and greet them. Enrico sweeps Sonia into a huge embrace. Mary stands in front of me.

  “Hi Monty.” She smiles hesitantly. I sweep her into a hug as big as Enrico’s. Everything is good from then on.

  We walk down the ramp. Mary looks over the generator and surveys the destination room. “We will need trollies and a dolly. Do you have anything here?” Lucky takes us to another room. What we need is stored there.

  Mary unrolls a set of tools and begins to strip the generator. As she works, she labels each part with a black marker. “Enrico will tell you exactly where to put each part on the floor. Follow his instructions.”

  In short order, the generator is stripped down and only part of the outer casing remains.

  “You will have to do without this part. There is no way to get it through the door. Gerry might have to fabricate a cover but all the essential parts are in place.”

  Mary walks down the corridor and into the room. Enrico has the components laid out as per Sonia’s marked instructions. She immediately begins to reassemble the generator. In less than an hour, it’s assembled and ready for Gerry to do his work.

  “Mary, that was bloody amazing.”

  She shrugs. “Eidetic memory - particularly for machines. If I break it down then I can always reassemble it.”

  Lucky throws his arm over Mary’s shoulder. “So, did you bring any of that Talisker you won?”

  Shit, I wonder who else knows.

  “I have a few bottles in the van. Dad has a flagon of grappa. Let’s go to the diner and make a night of it. I’ll invite Brian and Celia. I want to get to know them better.”

  Enrico, Lucky, Mary, Sonia, and I leave Gerry to his tasks and retire to the diner. Enrico insists I drink grappa with him. It is awful. After a while, I open the kitchen to cook everyone a meal. I hear my parents arrive. I can hear the Vitale’s greeting them enthusiastically.

  My Dad’s voice rises above them. “Mary, can I have a nip of that Talisker you won off Sonia?”

  Back in the kitchen, my cheeks burn brightly.

  38

  Monty and the Big Boy Pants

  Sonia wanders into the kitchen. “You making pasta for Italians Monty? It’d better be good.”

  “Oh, it’ll be good. Now shove off and let me cook.” I stir a pot of beef ragout that I slow cooked yesterday and flour the bench ready for the pasta. The dough is ready to roll out. I pass it through the machine until the thickness and texture are perfect. I cut pappardelle and drop it in boiling water to cook.

  Mary wanders in. “Sonia says you’re making pasta. Do you want a hand?”

  “Nope. I have it under control. Mary tries to lift the saucepan lid. I wrap her knuckles with a wooden spoon. She scurries back out to the table.

  Everything is ready. I dish out individual serves and grate pecorino on top. I take them out to serve. “Beef ragout with pappardelle. Enjoy everyone!

  Nobody moves at first. They watch Enrico. He takes his first mouthful.

  “Monty this is perfect!” Everyone tucks in and enjoys my pasta. I feel proud.

  “Monty I have papers for you to sign.” Lucky passes a wad of official paperwork to me. I look briefly at them.

  “Enrolment forms? For what exactly Lucky?”

  “Bachelor of Laws Monty. I told you about it.”

  “You most certainly didn’t tell me about it Lucky but let's put that aside for a moment. It’s made out to Monty Mumm.”

  “That’s your name.”

  “No Lucky. My name’s Max.”

  “Umm, you changed it a month ago. The clerk remembers because you were so excited. You wore blue jeans and a yellow striped jumper.”

  “So, Jessica has an acquaintance at the registry office?”

  Sonia chips in. “I got engaged to Monty so I certainly wasn’t going to marry a Max.”

  I sigh, “Even so, this is a three-year degree. Then I have other hoops to jump through. Am I right Brian?”

  “Yes, but we can set all that up for you.”

  “No doubt you can. So, I have an academic record now? I don’t even remember finishing high school.”

  “Look Monty, it’s all fixed. All you have to do is sign. We have a nice house organised for you. We will keep paying you. It’s all win/win.”

  “No, it’s not Raymond. If I am the lawyer then I have to distance myself from operations and disassociate myself from my friends here. This is home. These people are my friends. Look, you don’t need a lawyer. You need someone that can manage lawyers. Now Brian, correct me if I’m wrong, but I can do a Practical Legal Training course in a fraction of that time.”

  “That’s correct, Son.”

  “Okay, so get me into one of those and I will soon know enough to manage whatever lawyers we engage. In the meantime, I want to make my mark here. I want to be part of the team when stuff needs doing. I’m no good to you at arm's length.”

  “So, do you have a plan, Monty?”

  “Well first up Lucky, I want to upgrade the diner to a restaurant before the tax department compares your books with your business activity. It’s a good cash laundry but you’ve let it run down. You are underutilising it. It has to be a working concern. In fact, I think we should develop a chain of restaurants. And all that basement storage? Rent it out as “no questions asked” self-storage if you’re not going to use it. Register it as a business, and you’re not responsible for what’s held down there. That way you can resume the old business with no property seizure threat.

  Lucky turns to Brian, “Would that work?”

  “Damn, I think it would Lucky. Monty, you’re a natural.”

  Lucky smiles, “So you want to stay on as my private secretary Monty?”

  “For a while Lucky but I want us to be partners one day.”

  “Don’t get ahead of yourself boy. Lots to learn Monty.”

  Lucky pauses and thinks for a while. He raises his glass of Talisker. “To the future.”

  We all respond, “To the future!”

  “Speaking of which, Monty. Our engagement party is on Thursday.”

  “No, that’s too soon. I won’t be ready.”

  Silence swings around the room like a troupe of monkeys. Sonia’s face is expressionless. She takes a breath. “Monty, you are being very assertive this evening and I’m proud of you.” She points her finger right between my eyes. “But enough is enough. Do you understand?”

  “Yes, Sonia my love.”

  Enrico pours me another Grappa then looks at Mary. “Can I have some of that Talisker you won off Sonia?”

  39

  Monty and the Fortuitous Windfall

  It’s the day of the party. Sonia is up and gone before the sun. Everything is arranged. Lucky hired a chef to work the diner. There are a stage and marquee outside. Of course, everyone is invited.

  I hear a scratch at the door. Helen is hungry. I open the door. She comes in and looks offended. Trotsky barrels in after her. I give them some leftovers and head down to the diner. They pad along behind me. I put the dogs outside and head to the kitchen. The chef is supposed to be cooking breakfasts but there is no sign of him. The kitchen is a mess.

  I ring Lucky. “Have you seen the chef Lucky?”

  “Bastard. He woke me up at 2.30 this morning. He wanted to know where all the patrons were.”

  “At 2.30?”

  “Yeah, I saw him last night. He had a cold. Said it was no worries - he’s never had a cold that could survive a bottle of whisky. He was sitting in the dark kitchen drinking a bottle of Famous Grouse at eight last night. Next, I hear he rings me at 2.30 am. He’s completely pissed and has cooked a full spread. I told him to put it in the cool room. The dogs can have it. I haven’t heard from him since.”

  “Well, he’s not here.” I start searching. I look out back, behind the counters, and anywhere else a drunken chef may col
lapse. No sign of him. My eye is drawn to the large cool-room. The door handle is in the wrong position. The door is closed but not locked shut. I push the door open. He is lying at the far end of the room. I rush over and try to move him. He’s cold and stiff. Ice crystals cling to his eyebrows.”

  I ring Lucky again, “I found the chef.”

  “Okay. Is he doing breakfast?”

  “No Lucky, he’s dead.”

  “I’m on my way.” Lucky comes straight down to the kitchen. He kneels next to the chef. “Ah, crap. Sorry, Gavin.” He looks at me. “Yep, he’s dead alright. That’s a nuisance.”

  “You know him?”

  “Yep.”

  “What do we do? Call an ambulance?”

  “Nope.”

  “The police?”

  “Definitely not.”

  “An undertaker then? We can’t just leave him here Lucky!”

  Lucky looks pale, “It’s complicated Monty.”

  “Lucky, in what way is it complicated?”

  “Well, he’s Gavin Ledbetter.”

  “That’s the Ledbetter that stiffed his colleagues then vanished?”

  “Yeah, that’s the one. I’ve been renting him some hiding space. He wanted to cook. Said he used to be a chef. We need to get him out, Monty. Nobody can know he was here.”

  This is not how I imagined my morning starting. People mill around the diner entrance. We have to open soon, so I start preparing. I turn on the hotplates. “Lucky, apologise to everyone and find me some help!”

  I want ingredients for a cooked breakfast but Gavin’s night time exploits have decimated my stock. I ring Fingers. “Fingers, I have an emergency. I need bacon, eggs, sausages, hash browns, and loads of good bread. Can you get it?”

  “When do you want it?”

  “Now Fingers. I need it right now.”

  “Okay, I’m on it.”

  Sonia bustles in, stops, and stares. “Monty, what are you doing? Where’s the chef?”

  I keep my head down and don’t answer.

  “Monty you’d better answer me!”

  She rounds on Lucky. “Where’s the chef Lucky? You promised me a chef.”

  “Sonia, the chef has taken ill. I will find you another.”

  “If Monty’s stuck in here I may as well help him.” Before we can even speak she strides into the cool room.

  Sonia’s head pokes back out. “Monty, there’s a dead chef in the cool room. Is that my chef Lucky? Why is my chef dead?”

  “He fell asleep and died of hypothermia. It’s not my fault.”

  “Whatever Lucky. Monty can’t cook for his engagement party. You’d better sort it out. Call the morgue or something. It’s not hygienic.”

  Lucky and I just stare. We have no idea how to proceed.

  “Is anyone listening? We can’t keep a dead chef in the cool room!”

  “Please shut up Sonia!”

  Sonia’s hands shoot to her hips. Her mouth drops open. “What did you say to me Monty?”

  “Sonia, you need to be quiet.” I move in close and whisper. “It’s Gavin Ledbetter.”

  “What?”

  “The dead chef is Gavin Ledbetter.”

  At the same time, Enrico strides into the kitchen. “The head chef is Gavin Ledbetter? I hate that bastard? Where is he?”

  Lucky sighs. “He’s in the big cool room.”

  Enrico scoops up a large rolling pin and heads to the cool room. He re-emerges straight away. “He’s dead! Why is he here?”

  “I rented him a hiding place and he just sort of stayed.”

  “Are you holding his cash?”

  “No, he’s stashed it somewhere but not with me.”

  Lucky locks the door. I can see people peering in, wondering when breakfast will be ready.

  My phone rings. It’s Fingers. “Monty, I sense something is wrong in the kitchen. I called my friend Rex. He has a mobile catering business. He has two food trucks on the way.” Fingers is amazing. I unlock the door, tell everyone that breakfast will be in the garden.

  “We need to get rid of him quietly.”

  “No, not today. Today’s my engagement party. Stuff him in the big freezer.”

  “Can we at least wrap him up? I don’t like the thought of Gavin in my big freezer.”

  “Not you Monty. I need you to help with the party. Dad and Lucky can get Gavin on ice. Come with me.”

  Lucky looks nervous as we walk out of the kitchen and up the stairs. Sonia stops on the first stairwell. “Think Monty, Lucky was hiding Gavin. He has been here for a while but you have never seen him. So, where did he put him?”

  “Why?”

  She taps my forehead. “Wake up Monty. If Lucky isn’t holding Gavin’s cash then he has it stashed. Now, where would Lucky hide him?”

  “The basement, or perhaps somewhere on the roof. My guess is the roof. It’s too bleak in the basement for a long stay. How much cash did he nick?”

  Sonia smiles. “One and a half million Monty. Do you see my urgency? That would set us up nicely, so let's make haste before Lucky twigs what we’re up to.” She skips up the stairs like a kid at Christmas time.

  We get to the roof door. “I don’t have roof keys, Sonia.”

  She looks at the lock. “I’ll be back Monty. Just a sec.” She charges down the steps and returns in a few minutes. She carries a thing shaped like a small pistol.

  “It’s a lock pick gun. No girl should be without one.”

  Sonia inserts the end of the gun into the lock and begins clicking the trigger. After ten clicks she pulls down the door handle and the door swings open. We walk onto the roof. It is different since I last saw it. The poppy plants are gone. Many of the garden beds are dry and weed infested. I feel an inexplicable surge of anger.

  “Down there, Monty.” There is a small service room at the far end of the roof. A deck chair and small round table sit outside it. An empty bourbon bottle and camp oven sit on the table. This door has a combination padlock and a door lock. Sonia reaches into her pocket and brings out a different tool.

  “Watch and learn darling. This is a shim. It works well on combination padlocks.” She inserts the shim and it pops the lock open in thirty seconds. The door lock opens even faster. The door swings open and we walk inside. It is done out quite comfortably. There is a bed, television, and a comfortable chair. There is a large duffel bag under the bed.

  I reach down and pull out the bag. Surely it can’t be that easy? Sonia unzips the bag. It’s full of cash of varying denominations, all bundled and labelled. There is a notebook with a running tally.

  “It’s not all of it Monty but there’s a shitload of cash here. According to Gavin’s notebook, it’s just over $750,000.”

  “Grab it. Let’s go.”

  “No Monty, we need to leave some for Lucky to find. He will be up here as soon as Gavin is in the freezer. He suspects what we’re up to. We take $500,000 and leave $250,000.”

  “What!”

  “He won’t suspect if he finds $250,000, Monty. He will just assume Gavin stashed the rest somewhere else.”

  I look around and see a roll of plastic bags. Sonia counts out $500,000 and checks the right amount is left.

  “Let's go Monty.” She locks the door behind us. “It will take me a few minutes to shut the padlock. I’ve never had to re-lock one before.” She pushes the clasp closed and works on it with the shim. “Got it - let’s go.”

  We make our way to the rooftop door. We hear a key in the lock. I grab Sonia and dive behind a raised garden bed. Lucky emerges, a cordless grinder in his hands. He shuts the door and walks over to Gavin’s hideaway. He begins to grind the combination lock.

  Sonia sniffs. “That’s just primitive.”

  “Shhhh.”

  “Don’t SHHH me Monty.”

  Lucky starts on the door lock. We creep to the exit door. He didn’t lock it. We slip away down the stairs.

  Sonia gives me a quick kiss. “I am going to get this bag away from here. Dad can ta
ke it to Zio Giovanni’s. He will keep it in his safe for us.” She is gone before I can reply.

  I rush about to make up for lost time. I feel a bit bad but it’s as much our money as Lucky’s. Anyhow, 250 grand is not chicken food.

  Sonia has selected my outfit. I dress and feel a bit like a dick. The trilby hat is particularly pretentious. I dress to please.

  Sonia comes back in. “Dad has taken it. He’ll be back in ten minutes. Zio Giovanni is meeting him there. No questions. I love my family.” She peels off her clothes and grabs her outfit. I gaze admiringly.

  “Piss off Monty. No time for that.” She zips up her dress and grabs my hand.

  “That hat looks sexy on you. Come on Two Dogs, let’s go mingle.”

  40

  The Engagement Party

  We head down and check all is well at the food trucks. Everyone seems well-fed and happy. We mingle. Brian and Celia walk with us for a while and we check everybody out. Jess and Sarah are there and look as stunning as ever. Muscles sits in the sun with Frankie. They look rather fond of each other. I must ask him about that. Rebecca, Patrick, and Vince are here. Rebecca looks radiantly happy. Flick sits with Fingers and basks in their long-standing friendship. Gail is with them. I look at her for a few seconds too long and get an elbow in my ribs. Lucky’s nephew Marty sits by the rose garden. Mary sashays up to him and leans forward.

  Sonia grins, “She’s not using our bedroom.”

  Enrico comes back with Giovanni. Lucky strolls out. He looks rather pleased with himself. Giovanni collars him to talk business. Enrico casts his eye about and spies Maxine J. She has been overseas for a few months setting up something or other. He swaggers over to her.

  Sonia laughs, “And he’s not using it either.”

  A taxi pulls up. The door springs open and Alice jumps out. She wears breeches and leather riding boots. Gail sees her and runs. They hug like sisters and walk away somewhere quiet to chat. Apparently, Shooter is very happy with her work as a strapper.