Falling For Fear (A Grim Awakening Book 4)

by Michelle Gross

  I pulled away from him. “Why not Midnight then?” Why did I care? I didn’t know the answer to that. Hell, I didn’t even know why I was going along with this. Yes, I did. I would go along with anything until I could get the hell out of here. I laughed at myself on the inside, and go where? He could find me anywhere now that I was marked. I would never be free from him.

  “Because midnight sounds appealing, I wanted something plainer, like blue, Blue.” He smiled and somehow, I was pissed as hell.

  “Plain?” I asked. “Plain,” I said again, angrier this time.

  He smirked. “See, that? Yes, that’s exactly why I chose some ordinary color as a name. You can’t stand feeling less than, or being talked down to.”

  I scoffed. “Right.” I rolled my eyes. “My entire existence has revolved around me being ignored, talked down to, and being less than everyone else.”

  “That doesn’t mean you want it to be that way.” Fear was amazing at fucking with people’s minds and he was already doing it right now with me. He was just messing with me, he knew exactly who I was. “Remember, I sense every emotion you’re feeling, so there’s nothing you can hide.”

  Still, there was no way I was calling quits to this charade if it meant I was safe for the time being. “Go crawl in a hole somewhere.” He laughed, so I added, “And don’t ever come back out.”

  “Bathroom’s that way, first door on the right.” He pointed toward the hallway.

  I raised an eyebrow. “Why do I need to know that?”

  “Because you’re staying here now, like it or love it, your choice, and two, you stink and look like roadkill. Clean up, I want to see what you look like.”

  “Or you can just take away these marks and let me go, and I can merrily go somewhere else.”

  “Christmas has already passed, so this is no time to be merry, go,” he shooed me away, and I glared.

  “Fine, I can happily go somewhere else.” I blinked my eyes several times and gave a fake, sweet smile.

  “Never know, that might have worked on me if you didn’t look like the fucking exorcist standing there. Go bathe and you can try batting your eyes at me again when you get out.” I flinched at the unexpected comment. Even now, I guessed I looked no different than the ghost-me I left behind. Only now, I was in an adult body and graduated to a woman that looked possessed.

  I backed up and turned, walking in the direction of the hallway. I would go bathe, not because he wanted me to, but because I couldn’t remember the last time I had.

  Chapter Five

  Ryan

  Fuck.

  Fear really went and done it this time, marking and bringing home some random woman. After all these years I’ve managed to keep Fear satisfied and safely tucked away, he crawled right back out just like that. Which only proved how little control I did have. Something happened, he went ballistic, ripping at me from the inside as soon as he saw Blue—didn’t know her real name, but that didn’t matter because she was stuck here now and there was no way I could let her go. Not if I wanted to keep Fear happy. I’d only risk him coming out again if I let her go. When he came out, I blacked out—I might as well not exist when that happened. And I liked existing despite how fucked up I was now.

  He was on cloud nine right now. His eagerness was spilling into me. I’d never felt him so excited and that was saying something. He could see a dying bird and get a hard-on off its pain. He found enjoyment in the most fucked up things but given what he fed off…

  Hot-headed Blue had no clue what danger she was in with me. He was probably plotting all the ways he wanted to fuck her up as I walked back outside, and given my own reaction to her anger—and the bit of fear that seeped out of her for a second there—I might even find some enjoyment in this arrangement myself. I couldn’t tell what she looked like with all the filth she was caked under but her emotions were very appealing at least.

  I grabbed the muzzleloader off the porch and slung it across my shoulder as I made my way back into the woods. I made this choice—a protection, actually—from the monster I’ve become by still remembering who I once was. When I was human, I loved to hunt. That part of me never changed, only the animals I hunted. There was animal like deer and elk in these woods, just not the ones from the human world. Down here, they were much bigger and a lot more vicious if given the chance. But that was no surprise, nothing in Grim’s woods was ordinary. The trees, grass, mountains, and lakes all glowed. It wasn’t just that; this place was like a pack of skittles. Everything was colorful.

  And it was home.

  Or, as close to home as Fear would let me feel. To him, this place was a torture. One: it was beautiful, he needed darkness. Two: this was Grim’s territory, he loathed the sight of Killian. So, his emotions were always wrapping around mine, trying to make me think and feel how he felt about this place. It was a miracle itself that Fear allowed me to live here.

  I had planned to go to my usual spot in my tree and wait out the Devil deer—what I called them—to make their appearance, but when I saw Killian tied to a tree I knew lunch would have to wait. I arched my eyebrow and made my way toward the tree he was stuck against. He was wrapped in golden chains so I knew whatever was going on was Melanie’s doing. He saw me coming and groaned, looking the other way. I smirked as I stopped in front of him, whistling. “Do I want to know?” I asked, not hiding my amusement.

  “Be a good neighbor and get me out of this chain,” he told me.

  I shook my head and laughed. “Are you crazy? I ain’t touching that chain, who knows what might happen to me if I do. That’s Melanie’s doing, I don’t want to have to wait for my hand to grow back or something if I risk touching it. Nor do I want to deal with her, if this is some sort of punishment.” I crossed my arms over my chest and couldn’t help grinning again. “Is this a type of foreplay or something?”

  He groaned. “Go away, you little shit.”

  “That only makes me want to stay.” I walked to a decent size rock and parked my ass there so I could sit and enjoy this more. “Does Melanie let you kiss her with that mouth?”

  “She lets me do a lot more than that with my mouth.” I shook my head, ignoring the tug in my chest. I didn’t know why I put myself in these situations where I heard more than I wanted, but I just kept digging my own hole. “Besides, my mouth is a lot tamer around her. Mostly.” He smiled and this was the part where I pretend it didn’t faze me.

  “What’d you do?” I asked him.

  “River chewed up her favorite boots,” he answered.

  I scratched my chin. “And she took it out of you? You two are the reason I’m glad I’ll never get a chance to marry,” I added.

  He laughed. “No, it just happened. We just got back from the human world, and I don’t know, she was giving me that look so I gave her what she wanted right here.” He glanced down at the ground. “How was I supposed to know River would swoop down and see them as a chew toy.” River was a dragon and a big baby.

  I couldn’t fight back my smile. “I still feel like you’re not giving me the full story.”

  He shrugged his shoulders the best he could wrapped to a tree. “Said I shouldn’t have stripped her here and believe me, it was mostly her fault, she was the one stealing glances my way and—”

  I held up my hand to shut him up. “I get it, stop already.”

  “Killian.” Melanie faded in front of the tree with her hands on her hips as she glared up at him. “I came to see if you were ready to get down, but you’re busy chatting with Ryan, so guess I’ll leave—”

  “Come on, Love, let me down,” he said, voice morphing into that lovey-dovey one that made Fear want to hurl. “You know I can get you any pair of boots you want.”

  She squinted her eyes at him. I could already see her wanting to cave and not to mention their lovesickness was seeping out of them, spreading all over the place. Fear didn’t feed on love or any other flowery emotions that involved “warm” feelings. My insides were screaming for me to get the hell
away from them but if I listened to that instinct all the time, I’d never get to stay around them. “Maybe I was being a little over-the-top,” she admitted with a smile. The gold chains fell from Killian and disappeared. The moment it did, Killian grabbed Melanie. She squeaked, “What are you doing?”

  Something devious played out on Killian’s face as he gazed down at her. “You didn’t think I’d let you get away with leaving me tied to a tree, did you?” Her face reddened right before he slung her over his shoulder.

  “Killian!” she screamed. He couldn’t see the smile on her face, but I could.

  “I’ll chain you somewhere a lot better than a tree,” he told her then glanced back at me. “Later, Ryan.” They faded.

  I sat there for a second before sighing and standing up. After that much exposure to love, I’d need a good night of killing or fucking.

  _______

  A couple hours later, I had my kill hung up and skinned. I bagged up the meat from the deer and walked inside to clean it. What I didn’t expect was the scent of Blue about knock me down the moment I opened the front door. I didn’t even see her anywhere, yet I knew it had to be her. Nothing in my house ever smelled that amazing before. The filth she’d been wearing must have been masking her scent, but now it was all out in the open, invading my entire fucking house.

  Jesus.

  Everyone seemed to love caramel, you mostly heard people talk about it more than butterscotch. But not me, I loved butterscotch. And that was what her scent reminded me of, sinful and sweet, addictive. Even Fear reacted to her, and by react, I mean a wave of lust crashed over me so powerful I grabbed the door and stopped myself from entering the house any further.

  Fuck.

  I heard the shifting of plates in the cabinet; she was raiding the kitchen. I took a deep breath and gripped the bags of meat in my hands before entering. I caught sight of her back as she tiptoed trying to grab something from the cabinet. I swallowed. Her scent had already sent signals straight to my dick, but the sight of her in my t-shirt and rolled up jogging pants were overkill. Her black hair was almost dry now and it hung all the way down to her ass. I knew she was small but in my clothes, it swallowed her thin frame.

  I hurried to the sink to clean and cut the meat, and to hide the hard-on I had since opening my front door. I dropped the meat down into the sink next to where she stood and she jumped a mile, grabbing the closest thing next to her—which was a plate—as a weapon. When she saw it was me, she relaxed. Which was stupid on her part, she had no idea what I planned to do with her yet. And the sad truth was, neither did I until Fear filled me in.

  She was beautiful. Petite, not usually the type I went for, yet she was tall. I was right about her hair. The black had a ghostly blue look to it underneath the kitchen lights and it only added to the beauty to her dark, marble-like eyes. Doe-eyes.

  The perfect prey, Fear’s words slipped through me.

  “You forgot to mention you live in Grim’s territory,” she said the moment she lowered the weapon of please-don’t-fucking-break-my-favorite-plate. Yes, I had a favorite plate, a favorite cup, and a favorite recliner. All kinds of things I didn’t want to share with some random she-devil Fear marked.

  “Considering we’ve only spoken for a total of three minutes today, I wonder why that is?” I rubbed my nose across my wrist to ease the sudden itch, not wanting to get blood on my face since my hands were still covered. “Why? Do you have a problem with Grim?” I asked.

  She made a sound in her throat before rubbing her tongue across the inside of her jaw. I watched the imprint disappear as she glared at me. “Such a smartass,” she huffed. “I just find it funny is all,” she stated quietly as if to let the subject drop or make me talk; I wasn’t sure with her.

  “How is it funny?”

  She was about to say something until her eyes traveled to the meat in the sink. I turned on the water. “What is that?” she asked warily.

  “Our food,” I replied.

  I could already see her gag reflexes working on her at just the thought. “I’m not eating whatever that is,” she said, matter-of-factly.

  “Relax, it’s just Devil deer,” I told her.

  “Devil deer?” She gave me a snooty look.

  “Yeah, that’s what I call them since they’re from the Underworld.”

  She looked at me for several seconds like she was studying me. “Fear,” she finally said.

  I started on the meat and said, “Ryan, my name’s Ryan.”

  There it was, I could feel her intense gaze heating me up as I cleaned up the meat. “What is the deal with you?” The question caught me by surprise because I had no idea what she meant.

  “You never did say why it’s funny that I stay here.”

  “Because you’re Fear and he’s Grim. What other explanation is there?” She kept a safe distance from me but stayed where she was and watched me clean the meat with a hint of confusion and… curiosity? “Everyone in the Underworld knows of your hatred for one another as well as your past, unless you were born yesterday and I was not, so I know the stories and I know the things you’ve done.” She went on, “You even opened a portal in the human world and granted access to demons trying to spill blood and avenge your hatred and loss to Grim and his wife, Melanie, I think they call her, many centuries ago…”

  I nodded. It was all true. Blue knew that much, at least, but not enough. “Then you must have also known that a merge ended that night and a new one began. I’m not the Fear from the past, I’m only the future.”

  “I’ve heard the stories… Marcus, right?” she asked. I wouldn’t have noticed her inch closer if I hadn’t been watching her from the corner of my eye as I cut up the meat. “I’ve heard the stories of Fear during his time with Marcus. He was horrible, from the sound of the stories anyway. So, you’re saying you’re a newly made monster?”

  I tilted my head and smirked at her. “That’s exactly right. I’m a monster, that’s true, but things like power and control, the things Marcus aimed for mean nothing to me. I’m doing great as is.” That wasn’t entirely true, but I wasn’t about to tell someone that seemed to be asking questions like she was trying to get information to later use on me, that I wasn’t truly merged with Fear. I was, but not in the way that Grim was. He always told me he was one person, he never felt he was Killian or Grim—he was both. Everyone called me Fear—I even called myself that—but the only thing I did was keep my urges under control so the real monster didn’t come out and cause more harm than what I was willing to do to feed his needs—my needs.

  “Hard to believe,” she said, tilting her head to the meat I was cutting in the sink. “You mean you’re perfectly content living here alone, no control—nothing. Just you and your Devil deer?”

  I studied her for a second. Why was she so insistent on this? It was almost like she needed to hear me say I was the big bad monster she conjured up in her head of what I was supposed to be. Which was partially true but when it came to Marcus, I was nothing like him. He changed my life the day he decided to kill me. He was also Fear at the time, but there was no point in dwelling over the fact that I became the monster that was responsible for my twist of fate—which also cost me a lifetime I could have had with Melanie.

  Don’t go there.

  “Do you know anything about me?” she asked.

  I dropped the piece of meat and turned toward her with the knife still in my hand. Her eyes widened on the blade and she retreated a few steps. That tiny bit of fear she kept so well hidden seeped out, and I inhaled it as quickly as it came and departed.

  Concentrate, I told myself.

  “The answer to that question is no,” I told her as I leaned myself against the counter and gave her all my focus. Fuck, she was nice to look at even with that uncertain scowl on her face. “You probably don’t know that I was a human once, before Fear killed me, and later merged with me while I was a ghost.” I crossed my arms. “So, yes, Blue, I’m perfectly at ease with my life here. Besides,
I’m not alone here and I’m fucking powerful as is already. I don’t need anything more, and I don’t need to sit on a throne and look down on everything because I’m Ryan, not Marcus. I feed, I fuck, I hunt, I sleep, I eat, what else can I ask for?”

  Her dark doe-like eyes blinked at me several times as she swallowed once, twice, and looked away. Her state lasted several more seconds before she finally snapped out of it and glared at me. “Then why mark someone the same as he would do?” Her words angered me. “Why am I here, RYAN,” she said my name loud and clear to get the point across.

  At this point, I felt more anger than control and when I was like that, I only focused on one thing—toying with people’s emotions. “Whatever reason I want you to be,” I said with an irritated smile as I turned back around to the sink. “I haven’t decided yet.”

  “Not with me,” she said right before I heard the rattle of her opening a drawer and the clinking of silverware touching. I turned my head just as she shoved a knife into the side of my neck.

  “Jesus!” I hissed as I grabbed my neck. Why did I think it was a good idea to let someone Fear had chosen as a mark to roam around free in the house? Her hand slipped in my pocket, and I went to grab her but she punched me in the face, followed by a swift kick in my groins. I doubled over and watched as her little ass ported with my portal chip.

  Fear came to life inside me, roaring with amusement mixed with his hunger and lust for Blue.

  Me, on the other hand, I was pissed as hell. When I got my hands on her, she was as good as dead. Like she had just reminded me, I was indeed a monster so why try so hard not to be one?

  At least for the day, I’d let loose more than I normally did. For myself, and the fact that Fear obviously wanted to keep her around, and that right there was reason enough to make sure she died by my hands.

  Chapter Six

  Molly

  I pleaded temporary insanity. I had no idea what I was thinking when I stabbed Ryan in the neck with a kitchen knife and stole his portal chip. Okay, I knew exactly what I was thinking, but now I wished I would have rendered him incapable of following me a little longer than a jab in the neck would do to him. I was hoping he had no other portal chips hidden somewhere. There were none in his house because I had checked after the shower while I raided his room for clean clothes—his clothes swallowed me up whole but I wasn’t complaining since it was the first time I’ve changed clothes in months. That was also when I noticed he lived in GRIM’s woods.