At some point, while we walked side by side through the street, I couldn’t help but say, “Lucky you have me here to bring some color into your life.” I opened one of the many bags I carried and nodded for her to look inside. “What is all this dark, gloomy shit. It’s like looking at Grim’s wardrobe.” That made her laugh, so I continued, “It’s depressing, you’re depressing, Blue. I can’t fucking believe how accurate that word goes with you.”
“Do you buy clothes for all the women you shoot and place in fights?” she asked with a smile, but I couldn’t help but feel the sting. Her smile faded as she watched me.
“Normally the only pain I seek in women is while we’re fucking and it’s mixed with their pleasure,” I said in a hurry. “Or if they come looking for me from Fear’s past with Marcus. And I normally stick myself in those fights, but something about you has me extra evil… although, the reason I shot you was because you stabbed me in the neck.” I didn’t know why I felt the need for her to understand me and the way I worked.
She laughed. “Right.” She met my eyes and grinned. “Sorry about that.”
I lifted my brow at her. “I wish I could say I was sorry about sticking you in the ring, but all I can think about is watching you kick ass again.”
She squinted her eyes at me, disbelieving. “Like you don’t enjoy it when I get killed…” she muttered.
“That too,” I admitted with a grin.
“You asshole,” she yelled, but she was smiling when she said it. “Fighting is no big deal to me. I enjoy it. It’s one of the only things I know, although, it pissed me off when you gave me no choice in the matter.”
“What’s something else you know?” I found myself asking.
“Surviving.” She kept her eyes forward instead of on me, almost like she was picturing something. “I know a bit about surviving. Pain. I know all about pain. And I know wants.” This time she did look at me with a frown. “Wanting something can take you down a dangerous path, not just for yourself, but everyone you encounter. My want did a lot of damage… and I don’t think the damage is over yet.”
She looked away when I didn’t want her to. I studied her as she walked, wondering how the hell I could get her to spill her secrets and why I was so greedy for them.
“I know a bit about surviving,” I started, having no idea why I even chose to. “I chose Fear instead of death. Needs. Know all about that one as well. Can’t be the monster if you don’t accept your new cravings. Pain. I know all about pain. I need it—can’t go without it. If I do, the monster becomes a bigger monster.”
“Guilt,” she whispered. “I know all about guilt. It’s kept me afraid for a very long time.”
“The more you speak, the more I want to know about you,” I blurted. I stiffened because I hadn’t meant to say it aloud.
“Maybe one day,” she finally said. “I’ll be brave enough to tell you.”
I released my breath. “Your guilt. Do you regret whatever it was you did to cause the guilt?”
“Ask me again tomorrow,” was her answer.
______
“You still haven’t changed out of my clothes?” I asked her a few hours after we got back from the city. We had bought her a couple of pairs of boots and I chose some heels before heading back home. She was sitting at the table with a book in her hand that she looked up from when I stepped back inside from shooting.
“Are you fixing something to eat soon?” she asked instead of answering my question. I picked up on her feelings… she was hungry. “I’m hungry,” she added like she knew exactly what I was doing.
I shifted on my feet. “There’s plenty in the fridge.”
She looked down at the book quickly then back at me, almost lazily. “I can’t cook,” she admitted with the drop of a shy smile.
I couldn’t help but grin. “You’re kidding? And you’re how old?”
She huffed and looked back down at the book, but I could tell she wasn’t even focused on it. “I’ve been locked up here and there for a thousand years, I can’t cook for myself when I’m in a dark cell with some thrown in scraps.” I flinched at her past. That was all she ever talked about was being a prisoner like it was the only thing she knew. I was keeping her here because of the mark, but I wasn’t locking her up, was I?
“What about before that?”
She shrugged her shoulders. “I was dead, so I couldn’t eat, and I was too young when I did die to have had a chance to learn.”
I grinned playfully. “Well, Blue, looks like we have a bit in common. I was a ghost before I became Fear. How’d you end up immortal?”
She kept her eyes on the book. “The Devil.”
I hadn’t expected that. “That sounds… dangerous.”
“It was foolish… and desperate on my part.”
“There’s sandwich meat in the fridge.” I nodded toward the fridge. “Make you one and then come out and shoot with me once you’re through.” I turned back toward the door.
“Shoot?” I wasn’t even looking at her, but I was sure her brows were bending together in the middle with her dubiousness. “Am I being hunted again?” Not being able to help myself, I inhaled and started sniffing out her feelings. She was cautious with a hint of… eagerness?
I couldn’t resist twisting my head back around and cocking a brow. “Is there a hint of hope in that question?”
She blew out an irritated breath and sucked in her jaws. I was grinning because no matter how hard she was trying to pretend otherwise, she knew I could taste everything she was feeling. She finally gave up and said, “Stop grinning at me like that or I swear, I’ll stab you with a knife again.”
“You won’t need a knife.” I waved my hand around dismissing the idea. “I’ll show you how to do it with a rifle.”
“So, now not only do you get to kill me in fights but now you want me to kill you?”
I made my way to the door and nodded. “Our next hunt will be a lot better if you can put up a fight. Make things more interesting that way.”
“I guess being Fear has loosened a few screws ’cause you’re so messed up.” She had no idea, but then I picked up the scent of her excitement and lust that she was trying to push away and hide. My dick hardened.
Maybe she did have an idea.
____
“It’s uncomfortable,” she grunted, adjusting the rifle against her shoulder. “And heavy,” she complained some more. “I’d rather use a sword.”
“It’s because you aren’t used to it,” I sighed next to her. She smelled good, real good, but that was easy to overlook when her mouth wouldn’t stop complaining for two seconds while I tried to show her how to hold the .243 Winchester I had brought out for her. It probably had the least amount of kick and since she had never used one before, that was for the best. “Remember where the safety is?” I asked and felt more than seen her roll her eyes.
“You’ve only shown me five times in the last five minutes.”
After several more seconds of her sighing and trying to throw the rifle down, she finally held it partially right. Her posture was off and she was a little stiff, but that was something she’d ease into as she got the hang of holding it up.
“The scope’s the tricky part,” I said, leaning into her and she groaned. Her eyes moved over mine and she quietened. “Concentrate,” I told her because she filled with lust just like that, the intoxicating scent made it hard to keep my focus. She quickly peeked into the scope as if to pretend her feelings weren’t giving me feelings down below.
“I don’t see anything,” she started up again.
I grinned as I watched her shove her eye into the scope trying to see. Her face was equal determination and frustration. “Because your eye is too close. Pull back some and you’ll eventually see out of it. You don’t want your eye to be too close to it when you pull the trigger anyway.” I waited a minute before I said, “Surely, you can see out of it now.”
“No, it’s black,” she answered and my forehead wrinkled. I
hadn’t aligned the scope in a while, maybe that was the problem.
My hands moved to take the rifle from her. “Here, let me—”
“I can see!” she screamed and I smiled, nodding.
“Do you see the target I placed on the tree?” She nodded immediately. I stood back. “Shoot whenever you’re ready. Hold on to it tight or it will blacken your eye when you fire. It’s got a kick.”
“Okay,” she said a little breathless. I inhaled, taking in her exhilaration and resolve.
She fired and the scope clocked her in the eye just like I knew it would if she didn’t hold on. She gripped the rifle in one hand and used the other to grab her eye. “Shit.” She groaned. I moved next to her and pulled her hand away to look at it. There was a knot visible already but no bruising yet.
“Shoulda listened,” I told her, shaking my head and smiling.
“Asshole,” she muttered. “Did I hit it?”
I looked at the target trying to see where she hit then looked at her. “Nope, looks like you got the tree instead.” I chuckled. “With the way the gun flew back in your face, you’re lucky it even hit there. You didn’t listen at all when I told you to hold on to that eye-blackener.” Still rubbing her eye, she grinned. “Do you want to try again?”
“Do you mean do I want to make my black eye blacker?”
I shrugged my shoulders. “I hardly see the sense in an immortal complaining about a black eye.”
“I like my eyes,” she argued. “I happen to think it’s my best feature other than my legs.”
“You’re wrong.” She gave me a dark look so I continued, “I mean, all of you is pretty damn cute.” Did I just call her cute aloud? How lame did I just sound? “I mean, in my opinion.” Was I flirting with Blue? Like really flirting, not the kind that got them in your bed, the kind you did when you wanted to keep them? She tugged at her hair and watched me silently. “Of course, I’m a monster that fucks everything so… what’s my opinion worth?” That wasn’t entirely true, but the need to make my previous words sound less important was heavy on my stomach.
“Then, I guess it’s not worth much,” she said softly, never letting her eyes stray from mine. And if anything, that was the most irritating and frightening thing about her, the heaviness she placed on me in her gaze. Like she was reaching out and stealing something from me—maybe my soul.
If you don’t fuck her tonight, I will.
Fear’s words made my heart sink, not because of what he said, but because he was back so soon. She’s not yours, I thought back to him instead of speaking aloud like I normally did. Besides, she wants me, not a monster.
He laughed. Don’t be so sure. There’s a darkness in her. Don’t pretend you don’t see it. You know nothing about Molly… while I know everything.
He caught me off guard. I had a suspicion that maybe he knew her when he marked her… and the way she looked at me with hatred from the very start, it wasn’t just because of the mark. She didn’t like that I was Fear… she knew about Fear too, but almost every demon did in the Underworld. You knew her before the merge, I said to him.
Yes, immensely. I felt my skin burning with rage. The thought of Molly being with Fear while he was Marcus made me want to rip him out of my body so I could kill him. I know exactly what you’re thinking even when you don’t want me to.
“Ryan,” Blue called my name and I lifted my eyes off the ground and rubbed my neck. Blue was mine, Molly would soon be too. If she couldn’t be, then she was no ones. I wouldn’t even allow her past to hold a claim on her, not if Fear was a part of it. “Do you want me to grab us something to drink?” she offered, her nervousness rolling off her in waves and I found it strange that she was suddenly nervous.
“Did you know Fear before I became him?” I asked and that one question shot fear up her spine. Her mouth fell open and all that bottled-up anxiety came pouring out. I breathed it in out of habit, although it didn’t please me as much as her fear once did.
“Why are you asking that?” She sounded small, so unlike my Blue. “Did he say something? Is he threatening to come out?” she asked quickly.
See? was all Fear had to say and I closed my eyes.
Obviously, I see you’ve done something that has her terrified of you and me. I won’t let you manipulate me into having my way with her because I’m going to, just not on your terms.
He cackled inside my head. Not if I get to her first.
I bent over, gripping my head. “Ryan?” Blue sounded worried. She should be. Fear wanted out to prove he could take her from me—before me. This game was going to kill me because the thought of him hurting her made me bleed out. For the first time, in a long time, I felt like the boy that faded over time. I didn’t want to hurt Blue anymore—at least not right now when the need to protect her was stronger. I hadn’t wanted to protect someone since—Melanie and my sister… It felt good.
“Blue…” I gritted my teeth.
Stop resisting, he told me.
“It’s probably a good idea for you to leave me. Fear’s coming and he wants you,” I told her. Her eyes widened and without further explanation, she took off into the house. I knew she couldn’t run from me, but I could take him away from her—at least for a while.
I dug my hand into my pants pocket and pressed the portal chip, then I was gone, dragging myself into pleasures, hoping to keep the monster at bay.
Chapter Twelve
Molly
Ryan left. Well, he must have considering I stood at the edge of the kitchen for the longest time, expecting him to come barging in as Fear, but he didn’t.
So, I waited and waited for him to come back. Minutes turned to hours and my mind was more like mush from exhausting my thoughts… I should have used the liquid in the vial sooner, I could sense the calmness in Ryan all day but I hadn’t because I had been distracted by his company… and when I did remember, it was already too late and Fear woke from his slumber.
Most of my thoughts were of just Ryan, though and what he might be doing. My stomach churned with the possibilities. I did not like the way he made me feel… I wasn’t used to feeling weird. Not weird, just different. I felt different around him. Or maybe it was just him and not me, but then these were my feelings, not his so he couldn’t be the blame (see what I mean, I couldn’t even think normally). I didn’t want to feel strange, I just wanted to protect myself, free Ryan from his struggle with Fear, and somewhere during rescuing us I’d like to climb on top of him and have my way with him, but that was beside the point. I’d really like him to have his way with me too, but that didn’t look like that was going to happen. It was downright shameful how often I became a dog in heat every time he came near me today and there’s no way he couldn’t have picked up on my desire, yet he didn’t do anything all day. Not that it was terrible... I’d admit I enjoyed our chats and little disputes over ridiculous things. I still didn’t see how we managed to argue over every piece of clothing I chose, though. He got them for me, though just not without getting what he wanted me to wear as well.
But of course, the one captor I wanted to take advantage of me, wouldn’t.
And then I drifted to sleep on the couch waiting on him or Fear to return and I dreamed memories from a past I thought I forgot.
I stood at the edge of the door listening to Mom and Dad’s raised voices. This night should have been no different from any other, they argued all the time, and sometimes Dad hurt her. That’s why she always made me stay away when it happened, so he wouldn’t take it out of me too. She said Daddy couldn’t control his anger, but when she tried to tell him he needed to go to a doctor to get it fixed, it only made him worse, so she was careful with every word she said around him…
I was afraid of Dad. One minute he was yelling at her and breaking her with words and fists, then the next he was cradling her in his arms saying how much he loved her. His anger was never toward me, even that night it was only by mistake. I kind of never existed to him, or at least that’s the way it felt.
Dad was still yelling, Mom was crying, then she was at my bedroom door stepping in. Her eyes were wild and full of fear as she shoved me toward the closet. “Molly, I need you to listen to Mommy and go hide in the closet. Daddy’s not okay right now, please,” she said, all the while pushing me into the closet. That was her first mistake, coming to keep me safe when I wasn’t the one that needed to be saved from him.
“Don’t touch the fucking kid!” Dad yelled, following her into my room.
At this point, I was nervous, full of words and protests of how much I wished he’d stop being mean to Mom, but like always, I was mute in the face of fear. “Nothing’s wrong with me, stop telling our daughter that something’s wrong with her father.” Then he yanked her back by the hair. In his hands, I saw something I’d never seen before. A knife. Dad liked to use his hands on her, but never anything else. I looked toward Mom, focusing on her eyes, hoping she saw it too, but she was face down so I doubt she did.
My feet were moving on instinct. Dad pulled her up by the hair and I grabbed his shirt sleeve and tugged. He took one look at me and shoved me aside. “Stay out of this. This is between me and your mom.”
“Dad, don’t hurt Mommy,” I cried. “Please stop this.”
Mom was right about Dad. He never saw anything wrong with his personality. And when he was called out on something, it only made him worse. “Your dad isn’t doing anything wrong, it’s your mother that does shit wrong!” he yelled but I never saw her do anything wrong. In my eyes, she was perfect. Her only imperfection was choosing to stay in this house. She could have saved us from this night.
“Claude, please don’t do this in front of Molly,” she begged him and he shoved her onto my bed in reply.
“Stop babying her,” he told her. “She’s nine years old!” He was wrong, I turned ten last month, but like I thought, I was invincible to Dad unless it came to using my existence to hurt Mom.
“Claude!” Mom yelled. “Why are you holding your knife?”
“Why? Do you think I’m gonna hurt you?” He was already hurting her. Every single day. I stood there crying. “Stop crying, Molly!” He threw his anger at me, but I couldn’t stop the tears.
Falling For Fear (A Grim Awakening Book 4) Page 9
