Black Heart Blue

by Louisa Reid

  Maybe Hephzi was right.

  Sunday arrived. I crept into the bathroom and washed carefully then put on Hephzi’s blue jumper. It was a find; Hephzibah had fished it out of one of the charity bags before they’d been sent away. It was brand new when she discovered it and it went well with my eyes.

  ‘Mother. I have to work today.’

  She snapped her head round to stare at me. I was standing by the kitchen door, she was making a pot of tea. It would be weak; the teabags were always used at least twice before they were ever thrown away. For a moment the sun caught her face and I could almost see through her skin to the bones and blood beneath, running as thinly as the brew she stirred.

  ‘No. You have your chores here.’

  ‘Well, I’m afraid they need me at the home. I already said I’d go in. One of the other carers has come down with a bug. You’ll have to manage without me for a change.’

  ‘I won’t get the church ready without you.’ She checked her watch. Wisps of panic spiralled from under her dressing-gown and she began to hurry, hot tea spurting from the teapot as she muttered incomprehensible words beneath her breath. The Father would be waiting for his breakfast upstairs, as he preferred. To keep her calm, I gave in a little.

  ‘I’ll make a start. But I’ll be off before the first service.’

  She nodded and scurried up to him. I wondered what she would say and waited for the holler, the retribution. If I heard him coming then I decided I’d run for it, straight out of the back door like a sparrow evading a hawk. The Mother’s handbag was on the side and I could grab that and make a clean break. But there were no unusual sounds. Somehow I’d got away with it.

  The church was cold and I started with the polishing. Everything was still clean from yesterday but he would notice the slightest speck of dust, the faintest smudge or print. Inside I buzzed. I was going to Danny’s because he’d invited me. I was going to Danny’s because he was my friend. I was going to Danny’s because I said so, I said so. Euphoria made everything so much easier, so much faster. If I could do this then maybe I could do anything. The place was almost ready by nine o’clock and as my mother came in I nodded to her and grinned. For once I didn’t hide my mouth but let the smile spill over her as it split my face in two. Her shock spurred me faster home for my bag. I had saved enough for the bus fare there and back; Danny lived nearer town than us and it was much too far to walk.

  I suppose they weren’t expecting me so early. It was only half past ten by the time I got off the bus, but it took me a while to wander around and find the house. Everywhere felt unfamiliar. We’ve always stayed in the village, apart from obligatory church events and The Father’s forays to far-flung towns with unfamiliar names, so my sense of direction was woeful. Every road and house looked the same to me, neat rows of identical boxes lined up and watching me with impassive eyes. I tried to think carefully about Danny’s directions. I’d listened with all my might as he’d told me the way, just in case I changed my mind, he’d said. Hephzi is cross and won’t come. She thinks if I’m going to break out then I could at least do something fun, not go hanging round some old bloke who reeks of cooking, to waste the day with his boring, retard family. Now was not the time for an argument though, so I ignored her, she has to let me take my time. If I want to I can switch her off, although I know she’ll scream at me later for being mean. She wasn’t all that happy about lending me her blue jumper either but that’s tough. Everything of mine is horrid and I wanted to look nice. Nicer than usual anyway.

  So it was only eleven o’clock when I pressed what I’d worked out had to be the right bell. I’d walked up and down the path three times before deciding for sure. My breath juddered and suddenly I regretted coming. What if he hadn’t meant it? What if I’d got the wrong house? That would be just like me to read the whole thing wrong. Maybe that’s what normal people did, maybe they invited each other round all the time but didn’t really mean it, perhaps it was one of those ‘normal’ things Hephzi and I were never too sure about. A dark shape appeared behind the door, fiddling with the locks, and then it was too late to run. A woman pulled the door open. Dressed in jeans and a pink T-shirt, she looked at me curiously. Then her face fell. I noticed the change before she could swiftly lift the corners of her mouth into a fake, hard smile.

  ‘Hello? Can I help you?’

  She thought I was there to bother her. Maybe selling something. Tea towels, lucky heather or, perhaps, God. Danny hadn’t told her I was coming. I looked down and mumbled why I was there.

  ‘Sorry?’

  ‘Danny invited me. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have come …’ There was a pause. It was impossible to tell what she was thinking.

  ‘Hang on a minute, love. You’re not the girl from the care home, are you?’

  I nodded and she pulled the door wider and gesticulated that I should go inside, but I hesitated, not sure now. If only Danny were here, he’d make this better.

  ‘Is Danny here?’

  ‘No, he’s taken the kids to football. Well, Archie and Mac. Ben’s in the front room and Milly’s upstairs. You’re all right, love, you can come in. I’m Cheryl, Danny’s wife.’

  I stayed hovering on the step. They weren’t expecting me. I was going to be in the way, a nuisance, and a minute ago she’d looked at me like she wanted to vomit.

  I almost turned round but then someone grabbed me and started to tug; an insistent little hand latched on to mine and I looked down at the boy who was dragging me forward, crowing hello, and before I could run I was inside, standing on the clean laminate floor, wondering what on earth to do next.

  ‘Trust Danny not to let me know we were going to have a visitor!’ Her voice was falsely bright like a plastic flower and I sensed the annoyance she was trying to cover up. ‘You go on and sit down and wait in the living room with Ben. Danny won’t be long.’

  What about lunch? I thought. Danny had said there’d be lunch. I couldn’t smell anything cooking and it had gone eleven. Maybe she’d be starting it now; I wondered if I should offer to help. But then Ben dragged me into the living room and I slid on to the leather sofa. Ben stared at me.

  ‘Hi,’ I mumbled. ‘I’m Rebecca.’

  He smiled at me and for a second I relaxed but then he reached up and touched my face. I jerked away from the little hand like I’d been scalded and he whimpered and looked sad.

  ‘Sorry, Ben,’ I whispered. He shook his head, his lower lip thrusting forward. I hoped he wouldn’t cry. If he cried I decided I would have to make a run for it, his mum would think I’d hurt him or something. Oh God, it was all going wrong.

  I told you this was a waste of time. You might just as well have stayed at the vicarage with them. Utterly pathetic.

  Shut up. I thought you weren’t coming, I hissed back at Hephzi and took a deep breath as Cheryl appeared at the door.

  ‘You want a cup of tea? Coffee?’ She was smiling, her hands on her hips, and waiting for a normal answer to a normal question. Ben skittered off to hang on to his mum’s legs. Absently she caressed his head.

  ‘No, thank you. Can I help at all?’

  ‘What with?’

  ‘Oh. Anything. I’m good at veg.’

  ‘Veg?’ She pursed her lips and stared at me, then realized what I’d meant. ‘Bloody hell! He didn’t invite you round for your dinner, did he?’

  Before I could deny it the front door opened and the hall was full of voices. Now I was trapped. I could hear Hephzi laughing from somewhere far away. I wished she’d shut up. Cheryl marched into the hall. I strained to hear what she was going to say about me.

  ‘You’ve got a visitor.’

  ‘Oh yeah?’

  Danny came in, red-cheeked and wearing tracksuit bottoms and a T-shirt. He did a double take then grinned at me.

  ‘You came! Brilliant!’

  I searched his voice for signs of sarcasm, anger, resentment. There was none. Behind
him Cheryl was smiling at me again. Perhaps I’d read her wrong. I’m not good at understanding people.

  ‘You might have warned me, Dan. I was only going to do leftovers. We’re going to your mum’s for dinner, remember?’

  ‘Oh yeah. Doesn’t matter, does it, Rebecca? You don’t mind, do you?’

  He came over to me and hooked an arm round my shoulders and squeezed me to him tightly. His bulk and warmth made me feel like I was being swaddled and I let myself sag against him for a second.

  Cheryl rolled her eyes. ‘Typical!’ she said, laughing, and I couldn’t help the grin, it opened my mouth and spread my cheeks wide without my permission. Quickly I covered my mouth with my hand. Then Danny laughed.

  ‘Great, that’s more like it. I’ll call the lads, introduce you.’

  His sons had disappeared into the garden to carry on kicking their football around and Ben had run after them and was getting in the way. They didn’t mind and passed the ball to him, cheering when he kicked in the right direction. I watched them through the French windows; it was safer behind the glass.

  It was probably one of the best days of my life. We ate pizza for lunch then huge slices of chocolate gateau, all from the freezer, Cheryl said, but to me it was manna from heaven. Then we played on the Wii. Archie taught me how to do it, putting his hand over mine and showing me how to move the controls – it turned out I was quite good at downhill skiing. No one looked at me like I was a freak, no one threw stuff at me like they used to in Maths, and Ben even came and sat on my knee and gave me a hug. I wanted to talk more, to explain who I was, but I didn’t think my words would have been right so I kept quiet. It didn’t seem to matter, no one stared. Milly even did my nails with her pearly pink varnish that she’d got free with a magazine. She’s only twelve but looks older than me. At half past five it was time for them to go off visiting, which meant I had to go too. I wished I could go along with them but I didn’t dare ask. In the hall, getting ready to leave, I caught Archie’s eye. I’d decided already he was cute, small for sixteen with a cheeky grin.

  ‘So, what is it that’s wrong with you, then?’ Immediately I flushed and looked down. Of course they’d noticed, I chastised myself. I’d been kidding myself that I was just the same and could be one of them. When I didn’t answer he spoke again and I could tell he was feeling bad.

  ‘Sorry … I wasn’t being, you know …’ The words hung in the air, little bullets he never meant to fire. I drew a deep breath then got it all out in a rush.

  ‘It’s a syndrome.’

  ‘Like Down’s?’

  ‘No. Well a bit. It’s called Treacher Collins. But apart from my face there’s nothing wrong with me. I’m normal apart from that.’ Normal. Me, normal. I hadn’t known I was going to say that but now that I had I realized it could be true. The words had come out in a rush, totally unplanned and uncensored, and it hit me that I’d just made it sound like I thought his brother Ben was a freak. But he nodded as if he understood what I meant.

  ‘Are you at college, then?’

  ‘No, I had to leave.’

  ‘Why?’

  I shrugged, still keeping my eyes on the floor. I had never spoken with a boy like this before, apart from the time I’d met up with Craig at the Rec and I’d been trying to forget that that had ever happened.

  ‘Didn’t you like it?’

  He was trying to talk to me again and I shook my head, hardly holding up my end of the conversation. Pathetic, Hephzi mutters in my ear. Cheryl interrupted us before I could try again.

  ‘Come on then, you two. We’d best get off. See you, love, it was nice to meet you. Danny’s not stopped talking about you, you know!’ She gave me a brief hug and I flushed in pleasure and stuttered out a thanks. I watched on the drive as they pulled off in their people carrier. Archie waved from the back, smiled and mouthed something, I couldn’t make out what, and I wondered what it might have been as I walked back to the bus stop. The sun seemed to hang lower now in the early summer sky and I moved to catch its rays, still wanting to feel warm. They’d have given me a lift, but once they were all in there wasn’t any room for extras.

  On the journey home I felt the glow of the day fade as if someone were brushing me down and restoring me to my dull, everyday self. It didn’t matter now that Cheryl had hugged me and Ben had sat on my knee and Archie had asked me what I thought about college. I realized I was hungry again. Perhaps there would be something to eat when I got back, even if it was one of The Mother’s roasts. Fatty, says Hephzi and I laugh. If there’s one thing I’m not, it’s fat. Hephzi was curvier than me, she had breasts and hips and a bum even, though she was super slim. Men looked at her when she walked past. Not me, I’m straight up and down. I knew there was no point thinking about Archie, he wouldn’t look twice at me. Or once, says Hephzi. I told her to shut up. She doesn’t need to remind me of what I am.

  The bus had taken forever, going all around the houses, and I felt the day begin to narrow as the passengers disembarked. The closer we came to the village, the darker and smaller everything seemed. It was late when I finally reached the vicarage. I walked slowly towards the door. The whole place looked as though it were already shut up for the night, and my feet dawdled as I came up the garden path. It hit me that he’d be waiting, ready to dole out a measure of pain, just so much as befitted the crime, if not a little extra to make sure I’d been taught the lesson. I wondered what I should do. I didn’t want to go in yet, not if he was waiting right behind the door, so I scooted down the side of the house to Hephzi’s tree. The last time I’d tried climbing up was when we’d been seven or eight and I’d fallen and banged my head and twisted my ankle. Hephzi had kissed it better. Yuck, she says, I wouldn’t do that now. But at least she said she would show me the best footholds and how to place my hands, even though she kept moaning about how ridiculous it was to return to the vicarage at all. I’d made all that effort, why was I going back?

  I stared up through the thick canopy of leaves and branches and beyond into little patches of twilight, considering. Granny had read a book to us when we were really little and I remembered it then, a story about some children who climbed a tree and found a new world waiting for them every time they reached the top; maybe The Land of Goodies, or, if you were really lucky, The Land of Do-As-You-Please. Hephzi and I had listened, enraptured, as Granny had read aloud and I’d dreamed of the slippery-slip and sliding out of our room and into a world as free as that dream.

  Hephzi was getting fed up now. She doesn’t like the cold and it was beginning to get chilly. She thinks the whole idea sucks.

  I faced facts. I didn’t want to go in. I’d been free for a day and it had been wonderful. I liked Danny and Cheryl and Archie and the other kids. They were so kind and nice and all just got on with each other, even if they did argue over the remote control or squabble over the next game they would play. The kids talked to their mum and dad in normal voices, no one sounded like they were choking or shrank back from an outstretched hand. I realized that this was what Hephzi had wanted for herself and that it was this that she’d hoped to find at Craig’s. She hadn’t been looking for just a boyfriend, she’d wanted the whole thing. The normal house and the normal parents. The nice bedroom and fluffy towels, a pile of magazines and nail varnish to try out. She’d wanted to watch TV and slump about like a normal teenager. When I’d told her not to rely on Craig I hadn’t really understood. Now it was all clear.

  I could walk away, back down the path. If I didn’t go back into the vicarage then I wouldn’t have to see the wall. I wouldn’t have to hear the babies’ cries.

  The spare bed in the home was free. Suki and Michaela were on night duty and they hurried to let me in when they spotted me at the back door and fed me hot chocolate and digestive biscuits, smiling through their puzzlement as I explained that I’d lost my key and that my parents were out. Eventually I think they got the message, because they didn’t protest whe
n I trundled down the corridor to the nurse’s bed, kicked off my shoes and dived in. As I nodded off I knew I was going to have the best night’s sleep ever. I’d made it out of the vicarage for the first night in years and no one could disturb me here. See? I told Hephzi, I can be normal too. She didn’t answer.

  Morning came so quickly. There had been no hovering ghoul at my shoulder crying for food, demanding a lullaby or whispering nightmares into my dreams and so I was full of energy and enjoyed my breakfast, starting work straight afterwards, even finding time to sit with Cyrilla and read her fifty pages or so of a historical novel we hadn’t tried. In the end she nodded off and I curled up in the chair and finished the book. I knew at some point I’d have to go back to the vicarage but I was enjoying fantasising that I could live in the home forever. I had friends here.

  Danny came in at lunchtime, taking over for the afternoon shift. I’m not sure if he noticed that I was wearing the same clothes as I’d had on the day before, it’s not actually that unusual and under my tabard you couldn’t really tell. But he did ask if I’d got back OK and I turned away to lie.

  ‘You’ll have to come for a barbie next time. Summer’s more or less here.’

  I nodded, yes, brilliant. If I’d broken out once, then I could do it again. At last I understood Hephzi’s intoxication with freedom and I wanted another shot, to feel the swell of happiness in my veins until it exploded like tiny fireworks in my brain. Danny didn’t mention Archie and I tried not to mind, I hadn’t really been expecting him to. Then, just as I was going, he called me back.

  ‘I forgot to say. Archie’s having some trouble with his homework. He needs his English GCSE to get into college next year –’ Danny looked annoyed about this – ‘but he’s not much cop. None of us is. I can’t spell for toffee. Anyway, I’ve seen you with them books. How about it?’

  ‘What?’

  ‘Helping him out a bit.’

  ‘Oh. I don’t know. How?’

  ‘Just give him a few pointers. He says the teacher’s useless and he’s got this coursework. Some Shakespeare malarkey.’