Case of the Hot Dog

by Erik Schubach

  I steeled myself and marshaled a bit of self-control when I felt I was going to start giggling hysterically, or crying. I can do better than this. I'm not incompetent no matter how these drugs are making me look.

  I rolled to my feet and then hopped once. “Hop.” Then again, “Hop.” I brought my taped arms up

  and put my finger on my lip, “Shhh.” I knew intellectually that they couldn't hear me over the dogs, but I sounded so loud to me. I hopped twice more then tried the door. “Hop like a bunny.”

  A surge of adrenaline cleared my head for a moment when it started opening, just to stop only a few inches wide, with a clink. So that's what the chain, which was strung between it and the drain pipe just inside the door, was for. I didn't have the key. It would be counterproductive if my captors had given me the key, but it sure would have been nice of them.

  I wonder if I could trade them in for some more considerate kidnappers.

  Hmm... It really was too bad I couldn't shrink down for the dog doors, cuz then I could fit through the gap here.

  Wait... think. Damn it. I hated this. Push away the warm fuzzies and think Fin. Wait, a Finnegan sized Finnegan may not be able to fit, but a dog-sized dog could fit through the dog doors. So, that means a dog-sized dog could fit through the exit door gap too.

  I hopped back to the first cage, and after a bit of fumbling as I got my fingers, I opened it and grabbed a dog then hopped back to the door and shoved it through the gap. I repeated this over and over. The remaining dogs going into a frenzy. I got all the upper cages emptied and then just started opening the bottom cages to watch the dogs run, yipping after their four-footed friends to freedom.

  I was sad that I had to leave the moms nursing pups because even my fried brain knew they wouldn't fare too well on the streets of the city. I was no murderer, like the men down the hall. I sobered a little. Almost sad that the drugs which had been masking my fear, weren't doing as good a job now. Maybe it was all the physical exertion.

  As the last dog scrambled out the door, I made fish lips out the crack and yelled, “Run! You're free now!”

  I smiled and turned around and squeaked out in distress. I was face to chest with Brute, it wasn't as fun as when I was face to chest with Jane. I swallowed said to his chest, “Bunny.” Then I whined,

  “Personal space.”

  He went to grab my arm and I pile-drove his breastbone with my forehead... to no effect. My head bounced back, and I tumbled backward, hitting the back of my head on the door with a thud, and I started sliding down the door to the concrete floor.

  I grumbled, “Ow. That worked so much better in my head.”

  Before my butt hit the floor, I was being jerked to my feet by Brute grabbing my arm.

  My head swam, and I knew I was going to have the mother of all headaches when my head finally cleared. I found myself looking at our feet as my head drooped. I pointed out smugly, “Your socks don't match.” But I realized that one of the mismatching socks had tape wrapped around it. I said

  helpfully, “No wait, false alarm... one is mine.”

  Mr. Suit said, “God damn it. She let them all out. Someone is going to come investigate. She's conscious now, get her back in the chair.”

  I flew, without wings and was seated again. Someone grabbed my hair and lifted my head. It took a moment to focus on Suit. He let go slowly and I found I could hold my own head up. Then he took a step back so I could focus better. He straightened his lapels and smoothed his silvering hair back. For a slimeball, he certainly was fastidious about his presentation to the world at large. If I were to continue with the name alliteration I started earlier, I'd be inclined to call him Dapper Dan.

  He said, “It really is unfortunate that I had to resort to such unsavory actions, Miss May.” He stressed my name to remind me they had been through my stuff and knew who I was. I cut back a snort. There wasn't anything funny about that.

  He asked, “Just tell us where Vin is and where you two stashed the collar. Your actions have precipitated our need for a hasty retreat from the city. I give you my word that you'll come to no harm.

  All you have to do is tell us.”

  I sniggled and asked, all doe-eyed, “All I have to do is tell you where Vin is with the collar and you'll let me go?” I tried not to go into a giggle fit. God, I hated drugs. I knew I wasn't as sly as I thought I was.

  He shook his head. “No, all you have to do is lead us to him. You're coming with us until we have that collar. THEN we will leave you and Vin to make your own way out. I cannot abide by double-crossers in my employ.”

  I shook my head. “You know Jane is going to catch you, don't you? She's not just shexy, she has a gun.” I brought my hands to my face and held a finger in front of my lips. I glanced around and winced. “You really need to straighten up around here, you know, I can help.” I offered helpfully with a smile, “I have a label maker.”

  He chuckled a little and tapped my cheek lightly to get my attention back to him. I focused, feeling my anger and fear starting to burn its way through the fog at the look on his face. “Look at me, Miss May. Understand what I am saying. It was quite unfortunate that Miss Mueller met an untimely demise, I truly am quite upset about that. But make no mistake, if you have no value to me, and I cannot retrieve my property, then I will be forced to flee the city prematurely without it.”

  His eyes narrowed, and the small amount of kindness in them just vanished. “I cannot leave any loose ends in that case as I wouldn't have the funds required to hide my trail. I'm afraid I would be forced to allow my associate to be allowed to handle you the way he wanted to, and you would be joining poor Miss Mueller in her fate.”

  But her fate was death. Ah, it made it through the drug-induced wall of stupid I was locked behind.

  I swallowed. It was a threat.

  He said as he looked at an expensive looking Rolex watch, “We're just about out of time here Miss May, I'm going to need your answer now, before someone comes to investigate the dogs on the loose out there.”

  He adjusted his cufflinks, which matched the white gold of his watch, like he was fine with whatever I chose. I nodded, trying to think through the slowly dying euphoria the drugs had induced in me. “Ok, I'll take you to Vin. But if he doesn't see me, he said he'd meet me in Jersey.” That's where gangster type people on all the TV shows lived, right? I resisted the urge to talk like the Godfather.

  Brute said, “Told you he sent her to negotiate a bigger cut for himself.”

  God, this guy was as stupid as I was under the influence of these drugs. Why would he send anyone to negotiate if that were his plan? Cellphones are great for communication last time I checked.

  I knew that whoever this Vin guy was, he was long gone with whatever money he got for Oscar's collar.

  I giggled at the thought that I knew dogs smarter than Brute. And their socks matched. No wait...

  never mind.

  Mr. Suit said, “Get her in the van,” as he grabbed a box cutter from on top of a cage and moved toward me. Adrenaline spiked, clearing my head a bit more but then I exhaled when her crouched and cut my legs free.

  Hey, he cut one of my pant legs! They are my only jeans, and my ebony haired detective likes them. Between that and the dirt all over my white blouse, I hoped Jane punched him in the nose.

  Chapter 11 – Stalling

  Brute grabbed my arm in a grip I knew was probably hurting me. My arms and neck were going to be bruised everywhere as a result of all his manhandling. I was just relieved that I was starting to be able to think a bit.

  They unwrapped the chains from the door and pulled it open. Huh... there wasn't a lock. I think I could feel a burn of embarrassment on my cheeks as Brute pulled me to the driver side of the old white van I had seen earlier. It was getting dark out, and the street lights were already on. How long had I been unconscious?

  I hesitated when I saw my reflection in the glass when Suit slid into the passenger side.

  By the fluffy toe feathe
rs of the canine savior, I was a mess! I had a cut on a cheek, and my eye and the other cheek was swollen from my untimely date with the concrete floor. My hair was a matted mess, and my makeup was all smeared from the tape and crying. It looked as though I had just stumbled through a battlefield.

  I swallowed, suddenly afraid of what Jane might do if she saw me like this. Why did I feel like her girl? Was it wishful thinking or was this nebulous relationship I seemed to be in with her more than I was thinking?

  Brute opened the driver's door and shoved me roughly inside. I slid over as far away from him as I could when he got in the driver's side just shy of touching Suit. I looked at the men as Brute started the van. I held up my arms, still bound with tape. “Is this really...”

  They both said, “Yes,” simultaneously. Alrighty then.

  The man didn't even stop at the gate in the plywood screen. He just gunned the engine and barreled through it. The sight we were greeted with on the street was pandemonium. I found myself smiling from ear to ear. There were Doxies everywhere. Cars were stopped in the street, and people were rushing around trying to grab the excited pups who were running around, wagging their tails madly.

  Brute honked the horn and drove on the sidewalk until he got past the gridlock. Suit reprimanded him in a voice far calmer than I could have managed. “Settle down Karl, we don't need to draw any more undue attention to us. Do the speed limit. Nobody is looking for us... yet.”

  The big guy nodded once and backed off the gas pedal. How did such a well dressed, well articulated man get involved with a lumbering billboard for anarchy and violence like Brute?

  I looked behind us at the chaos the little tail waggers had wrought, and I thought to the heavens,

  “There's a flare for you Jane.” I sighed and turned back to look at the road as we drove along.

  I realized that Suit was looking at me expectantly. My muddled mind took a moment to suss out

  his expectation. Oh. I played absentminded. Most people say I'm a natural at that, that I'm a tad scatterbrained, I say they're just mean. “It's a little coffee place by the park. Vin just showed me this morning, so I'm not exactly sure where but I'll recognize it easy. It has a big green rocket on the window.”

  There were about a dozen Rocket Bakeries ringing Central Park, but if I can get one of the dog walkers I knew to recognize me then maybe they'll call Raife, and Jane would know I'd be stalling in this area. This is my city, and there are dog walkers everywhere that people don't even notice, even this late at night. We are legion. Cue heroic music here. I'd place my hands on my hips if they weren't taped.

  As we were getting close to Park Avenue, I saw Ed with his gaggle heading to the park, he was one of the walkers who walked the dogs whose owners worked night shifts. He was a funny, gangly redhead who was as easy going as a Saint Bernard. He sort of had jowls like one too. I said, “Turn here, I think it's this way.”

  As we approached Ed as he walked toward us with the dogs, I reached up to scratch my nose.

  Hoping he'd see me and my taped arms. As we continued down the road, I glanced at the side mirror to see Ed frantically typing on his cell. I prayed to the gods of the waggy tail that he had seen me.

  It was clear to me that he had, when two blocks later, Stacy was on the corner with Mrs. Berkshire's poodle, Madonna. Making deliberate eye contact with me as she texted wildly on her phone. My god, it was a Broken Leash. They had a Broken Leash out on me? How? Now all I had to do is stall.

  There was nowhere we could go on the Island that my people wouldn't see.

  I went to whisper to Calvin that the intrepid Detective McLeary would find us now, but he wasn't there. I looked around the back of the van the best I could. And a fuzzy memory of him running with Oscar's leash in his mouth came to mind. He was limping. Calvin was hurt!

  That thought had concern slowly burning away at the fog in my mind. These... these... bastards had hurt Cal! He was hurt and alone somewhere out there in the city. I needed to find him!

  We slowed by a Rocket Bakery, and I furrowed my brow and shook my head, seeing Henry up the block with Scooter, the wire-haired terrier. He was texting wildly.

  The Suit was getting frustrated. “This is the third one. You're stalling, Miss May.” Crap on a poopsicle, why did I have to get saddled with an intelligent murderer? Or was I just thinking I was more sly than I really was with all these drugs swimming through my head, making it hard to think straight?

  We needed to stay in the area, but it appeared I was out of time. If I could think straight, I'd be able to stall better. I found my mouth blurting out, “Wait, I remember, it was the one on 5th. Across from

  the park. I remember thinking it was a pretty view of the trees. The drugs are just makin' it hard to think.”

  Oooo, good one mouth. I wish I had thought of that. At least it was thinking better than me. That would get us turned around again. As we turned toward the park, I thought I saw Raife in the side mirror, sprinting down the sidewalk. It took all my willpower to not fall into a giggle fit when I heard sirens in the distance. These are some weird drugs.

  The men could hear them too, and were getting more nervous as we turned onto 5th.

  Then we saw that the next block up was blocked as two police cruisers with their lights flashing pulled across the road and stopping traffic. Brute slammed on the brakes then looked back, I followed his gaze, and my heart leapt.

  Three other cars with lights flashing were coming up fast, boxing us in, and right there in the middle of them was Jane's car. I would have waved if my stupid arms weren't bound by this stupid tape in this stupid van, with these stupid men. It was just stupid.

  Mr. Suit was sliding out of the van smoothly, his calm, professional and demeanor slipping as he swore, “Fuck! How did they find us?” He looked to Brute and snapped out, “Bring her. We have to get off the street, this way.”

  I knew the drugs were wearing off as I squeaked in pain as the man slammed the van into park, and slid out of the van, brutally gripping my arm to yank me out and drag me along with him.

  The cars led by Jane came to a screeching halt, and Jane, looking angrier than I had ever seen her, slid out of her car drawing that big gun of hers. The other cops were doing the same, aiming over their hoods. Eeep! I'm sorry, she didn't need to shoot me! She was shouting, “New York Police. Step away from the girl, get on your knees, hands laced behind your heads.” Ooooh they were aiming at the men.

  God, she looked like some sort of sexy Valkyrie, all fire, and vengeance. Why was I getting turned on when I should be scared for my life? I called out, “Hi, Jane.” My cheeks burning, and I felt awkward, not knowing what to do with my hands again.

  She hesitated and cocked her head like something was wrong. Ooooh, maybe my voice was a little slurred. She smiled slightly and said, “Hi, Finny. Don't worry, this will all be over soon. Just...”

  She never finished the sentence as Suit just disappeared from between us. Wow. He's magic! I heard an, “Oof,” and I looked over to the ground to see Raife on top of Suit, pummeling him with vicious punches. The well-dressed man was covering his face with his arms as he took the beating, making pained grunting noises.

  Brute released me and started to reach one of his huge meaty paws toward Raife's back. There was a blur in my vision, and with another solid, “Oof!” Brute and whatever hit him went tumbling through

  the plate glass window in the building behind us.

  I giggled and said, “Huh.” When I realized it was a Rocket Bakery. I blinked as two figures stood in the chaos of the coffee house. Brute's skin was all cut up from the glass, and he curled his hands into fists the size of hams. My breath caught at the ebony haired beauty who squared off against the big man. A hand coaxing him to attack.

  Brute swung, and Jane ducked under the sweeping arm and struck two solid blows in an instant in his armpit. Ew, that would reek. She needed to wash her hands when she was... My eyes widened when the man stumbled back, holding his arm like it was a
sleep. Jane was spinning in the air, a foot arcing out and her boot connecting solidly with his jaw.

  The man spun and just fell as his eyes rolled back in his head. She was already pulling her cuffs off her belt, saying, “You're under arrest for murder and kidnapping you fucking asshole. Please resist some more.”

  God, she was sexy when she copped out like that.

  I glance over to the commotion beside me. Two cops were holding a flailing Raife as a third was rolling a barely conscious Suit over onto his back to cuff him.

  Jane was already jumping back out the broken window as other officers were heading to grab the cuffed Brute.

  All the euphoria of the drug burned off at that moment, as all the emotion I had been hiding behind the fog came crashing through. She didn't even slow as she stepped up to me, pulling me into a tight hug, my face squished against her chest. I was blubbering, “I'm sorry, Jane. I'm sorry. Calvin is hurt.

  We have to find him. They... they put me in a cage!”

  She was just shushing me, “Shhh... it's alright now Fin, I've got you. Calvin is fine. He's in the car.

  I've got you.”

  She pulled back and held me at arm's length. Her eyes lit with concern and rage. Oh god, I was a mess. The ironic part was that besides the bruises all over my arms, I did most of the damage to myself. She looked like she was about to kill someone as she asked, “Are you alright Finny?”

  I nodded as I cried. I said in a small voice, “My arms are taped.” Then I grinned. “Your socks don't match.” I looked at my feet to make sure one wasn't mine again. Nope... her socks didn't match.

  I whined, “I do your laundry and fold it all, how are you wearing two different socks? Do you just...”

  I stopped talking because there were lips in the way which were desperately kissing mine. My toes were curling as I smiled into the bliss. Jane was kissing me. The remnants of the drugs made it that much dreamier, or was it her arousing scent doing that to me?

  She pulled back, and I gasped for air as she smiled and said, “Yeah, you're ok if you can whine.”