by Sienna Blake
But I yearn for fun-loving Fionn. I love his intelligence, tempered with his humbleness; such a surprise under all that laughter and those cheeky smiles. Who could resist his charms, his easy humor and his surprising talents?
And Aiden. Dear Aiden. This sensitive, broken soul. I share his deep pain, his loss, his loneliness. I love his gentle, silent nature hiding the fiercely caring philosopher inside of him. He sees more than most men see, he’s more comfortable reading the silence between words. What woman wouldn’t want to be held by him, to soothe him and be soothed? To drown in his depths?
God, how is this possible? Isn’t our society’s expectation that we should love one person, want one person?
How could I be falling for three different men? Three brothers?
Does this make me a slut? Am I a terrible person to want them all? A greedy, selfish woman?
I just know I can’t keep hiding this from the three of them. I have to come clean about my feelings and the kisses we’ve shared, and hope to hell that they don’t hate me.
But first I have to choose. Right?
Savannah
For the next few days, the four of us play this tentative game of “let’s avoid each other”. During the day I work in the garden. Fionn hides in his work shed, Killian out in the fields with Aiden or in his office.
In the evenings, I lay out dinner and take my plate to my room.
But I can’t hide from the brothers for long.
And I can’t hide from my feelings.
I miss them, all of them. I think about them throughout my day and in bed at night.
I can’t untangle what I feel for the three of them. I’m falling for them. Differently yet equally.
I can’t choose. And every day that I can’t choose makes me feel worse and worse. Because they don’t deserve this.
I don’t know what to do.
“Savannah,” Killian calls after me as I’m about to disappear into my room before dinner one night.
It’s the first time since he and I kissed that we’ve spoken.
I freeze, trying to swallow the knot in my throat. And fail.
I can’t avoid him forever.
I turn slowly and force a smile. Our gazes lock. He looks as handsome as ever. But he looks so much like his brothers. I can’t help but think of them, too, when I look at him. The three of them are entwined in my heart.
“Hey,” I say as casually as possible.
He shuffles where he stands, his hands shoved deep into his jeans. “I wouldn’t bother you, but…it’s Aiden’s birthday today.”
Shit.
I am a horrible person.
“I didn’t know. I would have baked a cake…”
“I know things have been weird between us. I know that’s why you’re avoiding me.” I see the flash of hurt in his eyes.
It’s not just you, Killian. And it’s my fault, not yours. I want to say it but don’t.
“It would mean a lot to Aiden if you sat with us during dinner,” he continues. “Had a drink with us afterwards.”
I nod. I can’t keep running away.
The air around the dinner table is thick with tension. I sit opposite Fionn. Killian to my left, Aiden to my right.
Every time I look up at one of the brothers, they’re already looking at me with their soulful dark eyes.
I can hardly stand it.
But I have to. For Aiden’s sake. Dear, sweet Aiden.
Fionn is visibly sulking. Every time I catch his eye his lips press together and he tears his gaze away, rejection clouding his face. It hurts me to know that he’s hurting.
Kilian is stoic, of course. Proud Killian. Emotions so carefully hidden. The only reason I know he feels anything is because his jaw is clenched the whole time.
Aiden watches me carefully. He’s the only brother who looks at me with concern rather than anger. I can’t understand it. He should hate me for what I’m doing to him.
“Dinner’s good,” Killian says, breaking the silence. “Thanks, Savannah.”
He’s met with a stilted silence before Fionn mumbles something similar and Aiden shoots me a smile across the table. He reaches over the table to place his hand over mine. My heart squeezes as a longing rushes through me. How I’ve missed his touch.
I want to grab his hand, to weave my fingers through his, to pull him against me and beg him to whisper into my ear.
You.
I want you.
I realize with a sharp snap back to my senses that Killian is watching us, his steely gaze bouncing from our faces to our joined hands. So is Fionn. Except Fionn looks hurt and his expression is bordering on a murderous glare.
I yank my hand from under Aiden’s, my heart breaking at the look of disappointment on Aiden’s face.
The awkwardness from before returns, this time with heavy reinforcements. Guilt wells up inside me causing a stinging sensation in the backs of my eyes. I can’t stay here much longer. I’m going to start crying and then it’ll be impossible to hide this shameful secret I’ve been trying to ignore for so many days.
I’m falling for all three brothers. And it’s killing me.
“Excuse me,” I mutter, wiping my mouth with my napkin before pushing away from the table.
All three brothers stand, all three bred with such gentlemanly manners despite their rough hands.
I run from the table, stumbling as I go. In my haste I take a wrong turn. I don’t go down the corridor to the bedroom, I end up in the kitchen. A dead end. Nowhere for me to run.
“Savannah,” a gentle male voice says from behind me.
I suck in a breath, my shoulders hitching. I’d recognize the steady cadence of Killian’s voice anywhere.
“Please come back to the table.”
His voice is so soft, so gentle, I want to cry.
I hear him step closer, I feel him. My entire body reacts by breaking out into goosebumps.
“I know what’s wrong.”
No, you don’t, I want to scream. But I can’t. I can’t tell him—tell any of them—how I’m feeling.
I suddenly understand Aiden’s silence and I long to be wrapped in his arms. I long for Aiden even as Killian’s hands slide onto both of my shoulders, causing my heart to stutter at his touch. I want Killian, too.
I press my hand over my mouth as emotion wells up in me. God, I am such a horrible person. How could I do this to these beautiful brothers?
Why can’t I stop these shameful feelings?
“Savannah, please…look at me.”
Killian turns me, his touch so gentle, so coaxing and patient that I am putty in his hands. When I face him, his deep-set eyes are almost hidden by his brows furrowed in concern.
“I’m sorry I kissed you. I didn’t realize it’d cause you so much distress. I thought you wanted it.”
“I did,” I admit.
His eyes widen in surprise.
“I…do.” My gaze drops to his lips and I remember the feel of them on me. I remember the warmth and security I felt being held against him.
I need him. I need to feel safe again.
I need to feel tethered to this earth, and Killian is the only one who makes me feel this way. He has become my anchor.
Before I know what I’m doing, my mouth is against his. He freezes for a mere second before his fingers grip my shoulders and pull me closer. His kiss is sure, his hands firm and his hold on me feels unbreakable. Here I am safe and cared for.
When his tongue slides between my lips and caresses mine, my mind blanks.
All guilt falls from me, all shame fades. This feels right. So right.
I moan into his mouth and deepen the kiss, my hands curling into his shirt.
“What the hell is going on?” a voice demands, breaking through my bubble.
I break away from Killian, my heart leaping into my throat.
Shit.
Shit shit shit.
Fionn is standing in the entrance to the kitchen, a murderous look on his face. He curls h
is hands into fists as he glares at Killian. “You. You kissed her?”
Killian stands up straight, his chin held up. “I did.”
He’s lying. I kissed him. He’s lying to protect me.
“This is my fault,” I say. “I—”
“Don’t you dare try to protect him,” Fionn says, still glaring at Killian. “How could you? You knew I liked her.”
“You like her?” Killian’s stance widens, his hands fisting at his side. “You don’t like any women, you just hit and quit every single one.”
Fionn growls. “Savannah is different.”
“Of course she’s different. She’s not one of your playthings you can screw around with. I like her.”
“You don’t like her. You just kissed her because I like her,” Fionn yells, his finger coming up to thrust in Killian’s face. “You think you’re better than me just because you’re older. You want to make sure I stay in my place beneath you.”
“You self-centered prick.” Killian smacks Fionn’s hand out of his face. “Did you ever think that maybe it was her that kissed me?”
Fuck. Oh fuck. They’re going to start fighting in this kitchen. They’re going to hurt each other. I don’t know what to do.
They both ignore my pleas as the space between them closes. The only thing I can think to do is get in between them if they lunge at each other.
“Liar! She wants me.”
“Jesus, your ego knows no bounds.”
“She kissed me.”
“Stop!” Aiden’s voice pierces the air.
He’s standing in the entrance of the kitchen, his two brothers making so much noise I didn’t hear him approach.
Shit. Aiden will have heard everything. He knows that I’ve kissed all three of them.
Killian and Fionn freeze before turning to look at him, their eyes open, jaws slackened.
“You…you spoke,” Killian says.
Fionn says nothing, he merely stares at his baby brother like he is a stranger.
“You should listen to what Savannah has to say,” Aiden says, his voice croaky. He turns to me and offers me an encouraging smile. The openness on his face gives me hope.
All three brothers are looking at me expectantly now. There’s nothing I can do but confess.
“I don’t know how it happened, but…I kissed all of you,” I blurt out. “I didn’t mean for it to happen, I swear. But I like all three of you,” I say. “I’m sorry.”
Even as the words come out of my mouth, the confession seems to lighten the load that has been slung over my shoulders.
Only for a second.
The shock on Fionn and Killian’s face stabs me like knives to the chest.
“I never wanted to hurt you. Any of you,” I say, pleading with them all to believe me. I’ll understand if they don’t. These words sound so hollow coming out of my mouth. I mean, how the hell can these kinds of feelings flourish for more than one man?
“This is why you said no to dating me,” Fionn says. “Savannah, if you pick me, you know how much fun and laughter we can have together.”
“Fun and laughter won’t provide for her,” interjects Killian, “Savannah, if you choose me, I can take care of you.”
Aiden is the only one of three brothers who doesn’t speak.
“You have to pick one,” Fionn says, shuffling on his feet. “Which of us do you want more? Who do you like most?”
“I like all of you,” I say, unable to look Fionn in the eye. “In different ways. I want all of you in the same way. I just…I can’t choose.”
I press my face into my hands. What am I going to do?
“Why does she have to pick?” Aiden says.
Once again Aiden is the center of our stunned attention.
“Of course I have to pick…” I say, “…don’t I?”
“You like us. We all like you. Why can’t all three of us have a relationship with you. Separately and…together.”
Killian stares at Aiden, his eyes wide, the only sign that he’s shocked at the suggestion.
It takes a few seconds for it to register with me.
“Can… Can we do that?” I ask, scarcely daring to hope.
A relationship with all three brothers.
Separately.
And…together.
I could let my feelings for each brother unfold, without guilt, without restriction.
It would be perfect.
“I’m not sharing,” Fionn growls.
“You’ve shared before,” Aiden says.
Fionn shoots him a dirty look.
Aiden raises his hands up as if in surrender. “I’m not judging you. I don’t think any of us will judge you. But I know what you and your friend, Jake, sometimes do together when you like the same woman.”
“How the…?” Fionn glances over, catching my eye, a bashful look on his face, his cheeks pink.
My stomach twinges at the thought of Fionn sharing another woman. At the same time, a flood of heat goes through me at the thought of him sharing me.
“This is a small town,” Aiden says. “And people talk, especially around me because I’m invisible to them.”
“Aiden,” Killian says, his voice soft, “you’re not invis—”
“I don’t mind, Killian,” Aiden interjects. “Because the people I truly care about see me. They love me.” He looks over to me and I catch his eye, his gaze so full of affection it makes my heart hurt.
“I’m not sharing her,” Fionn repeats. He turns to me. “Don’t tell me you’re actually considering…” His voice trails off as I chew my lip.
I can feel the hope shining through on my face. The four of us. Together. Despite the craziness of how this sounds, it feels right.
Fionn’s expression turns sour. He curses under his breath and turns on his heel, storming out of the room.
Shit.
“Fionn,” I call after him.
“Leave him,” Aiden says, holding an arm out to stop me from going after him. “He’ll be back. He’ll come around. He just needs some time to himself.”
My shoulders sag as the front door slams. Moments later an engine rumbles and roars, kicking up gravel before fading away into the night.
“He hates me.” My fear tumbles from my mouth. “I’m so sorry. I’ve ruined everything.”
Aiden pulls me into his arms, wrapping me in his loving embrace. “He doesn’t. And you haven’t. He’ll come around, I promise.”
Sweet, perceptive Aiden. Always seeing the best in everyone. Always knowing how to read a situation.
His words don’t fully wash away the guilt, but I accept his warmth and sink into his hug anyway.
“Will you sleep next to me tonight? Just sleep?” I ask Aiden. I don’t want to let go of him. I don’t want him to let go of me.
“Whatever you want.” Aiden kisses the top of my head. My heart warms.
Killian clears his throat from behind us. “I’ll should go…tidy up.”
“You can come with us,” I say, before I can change my mind. I turn, pulling out of Aiden’s embrace.
Killian looks between me and Aiden. “I don’t want to be the third wheel.”
“You won’t be,” I cry.
Aiden lets go of me. I know that he’s telling me that it’s okay for me to go to Killian. I step towards the tallest brother. The one that up until now has looked so sure of himself.
I step up to Killian, my head only coming up to his shoulder, and wrap my arms around his thick waist.
“Stay with us,” I whisper.
After a pause, his arms close around me. “Okay.”
Savannah
Killian grabs my arm before I can follow Aiden into the corridor to the bedrooms. He’s frowning.
“Killian?” I ask. “Are you okay with this, really?”
He nods. “That’s not why I stopped you.” He pauses. “I can see how good you’ve been for Aiden. He’s come alive since you’ve been here. If he… If he is the one you really want, I’ll step asid
e. I can be happy for you.” His voice cracks on the word happy.
My heart fills with so much love. Darling Killian. Always willing to put aside his happiness for the ones he loves. Like he did when he stayed on the farm instead of leaving with his ex. Like he’s doing now.
I slide my hands around his cheeks and smile, tears pricking the backs of my eyes.
“I want you, Killian. You aren’t a consolation prize.”
He lets out a shaky breath, relief filling his warm brown eyes. I lean in and kiss him on the mouth, infusing my kiss with all the growing love I have for him.
When I pull back, his eyes are misty. I sense a part of his wound healing. As does mine.
In the bedroom I slip into the en suite to get ready for bed, my heartbeat climbing steadily. It’s only sleeping, but my senses are already heightened as I pull on my silk nightie, my skin erupting into goosebumps.
I pause at the bedroom door, slightly ajar, when I hear Killian talking.
“I just can’t believe you’re speaking again. I always thought…” There is a pause.
“You thought I was damaged from the accident,” I hear Aiden say.
Killian sighs. “It sounds horrible when you say it out loud.”
“It’s okay, Killian.”
I peer through the crack. The two brothers are standing before each other, like mirror images, in just their pajama pants. If this wasn’t such a tense moment, I’d take a second to appreciate their strong, beautiful bodies.
“All this time, you were choosing not to talk,” Killian says. “Why?”
I hold my breath, waiting for what Aiden will say.
“It was my fault, Killian.” I barely hear Aiden; his voice is so soft.
“What do you mean, it was your fault?”
“If I hadn’t been drinking like a fucking eejit that night, Ma and Da wouldn’t have had to come pick me up and they wouldn’t have been ki—”
“Stop.” Killian clasps his arms around his brother’s shoulders. “Stop right there.”
But Aiden won’t. “It was my fault. I was too cowardly to admit it out loud.”
I see the instant realization crosses Killian’s face. He grabs his brother round the back of the neck, forcing Aiden to look at him. “You didn’t kill them. That idiot drunk driver did. It was not your fault.”
