Frayed

by Pamela Ann

  It was obvious that Amber was still coming to terms with whatever shit she had gone through. I wasn’t going to force the issue, but whenever she was ready to spill her demons, I was always here for her, no matter what.

  When Saturday afternoon, rolled in, I was ready to collapse from the nerves I felt about seeing Harry again. The man had booked the Four Seasons cottage for the occasion. I wasn’t sure if I was supposed to be offended about his lack of sensitivity or to be touched since that place held so many great memories of us together.

  Dressed in a cotton baby blue, long dress that matched my eyes and nude, wedge sandals, I strode out of the parking lot of Four Seasons and headed towards the cottage. Had I made a decision? No, I had not, but I had the ring with me. Questions and more questions plagued my mind since Harry and I didn’t get the chance to talk much the last time I saw him. Taylor made sure the man was in no condition to do much of anything.

  When I rounded the corner, the first thing I saw was Harry leaning against the cottage door, waiting. He gave me a dashing smile when he saw me walk towards him. “You look beautiful as always.” He greeted me with a big hug before kissing my cheek.

  I could see that he still had a few bruises from Taylor’s act of madness, but Harry didn’t even address it. “Do they hurt?” I pointed at the yellowish, bruised spot on his face.

  Harry took hold of my hand and guided me inside. “Not anymore. I can’t say I blame him. I deserved each shot.”

  That was honest of him to admit that.

  He spun me around, his eyes pleading. “I’m sorry, but this is killing me. Do you have an answer to my proposal?”

  “No, I don’t. I have so many questions, Harry. How do you think Becka and the rest of the family will react to this? You’re going to be a father soon, for crying out loud. Divorcing Becka and then proposing to me was fucking insane. Especially after you ended things when you found out I was carrying your baby.” Sighing, I continued. “How do you expect me to trust you after what you’ve done to me? If it wasn’t for Taylor being there, I would be dead by now.”

  Harry frowned, as he stood closer. “What do you mean by that, Trista? You wouldn’t have died.” His voice was paper thin, but I heard him loud and clear.

  “I was swimming at night. I wasn’t even thinking about suicide, it never occurred to me, but something changed while I was out there. I remembered feeling free of the weight of everything just before I passed out. If it weren’t for him, swimming out to come and get me, I wouldn’t be here today.” Events of that night surfaced in my mind’s eye. The heartfelt concern from Taylor’s eyes, the doubt, the scare, the horror and finally, his determination to make sure I wasn’t stupid enough to attempt it twice.

  “God, I feel like a monster. I had no idea you were that far gone with your pain, Trista,” Harry whispered as he tried to read me, but my mind was back in Greece, with Taylor.

  “He’s gotten to you. I can see it in your eyes.”

  It was impossible not to. Taylor was different, a one of a kind man who marched to his own beat, most of all, he had a heart. This truly magnificent human hadn’t left my thoughts. At. All.

  It was him now, the moment Taylor broke through my façade and my barriers, I had no chance in Hades of turning back, no chance to go on with life without him in it. He left himself there, inside my head and with my now willing heart. The decision had been made… weeks ago. I just hadn’t realized that until now. Without qualms, I handed the velvet, ring box back to Harry with a steady hand. “I can’t marry you.” Harry pushed my hand away, not willing to take the ring back.

  He gave me a sad, teary smile, but spoke with a calm, clear voice. “Keep it. It was for you. I wouldn’t know what to do with it.”

  “I’m not taking this with me Harry. Once I walk out of this door, I don’t need any reminder of you, my guilt alone is enough. Tokens from you, I can live without.”

  When I took hold of his hand and shoved the box in it, he didn’t argue. In a second, he had me in his arms, holding me like I was his lifeline. “I love you. I always will love you and I will always regret the day I hurt you. Losing you is my punishment; I don’t know how I will survive without you. I want you to live your life. You deserve another chance at love, to marry someone who will never hurt you. I’m sorry I wasn’t man enough to protect what I had in the very beginning. That’s my regret, not yours.” I tasted tears when his lips met mine, but wasn’t sure if they were mine or his; it was bittersweet. “Goodbye, my love.”

  After another kiss, he let go of me, stepping aside. I glanced at his sorrow-filled expression, but I knew this was it. As much as I loved Harry, there was no turning back the hurt, betrayal and the wasted love. “Goodbye, my love,” I chokingly whispered behind him, before I slowly left the cottage. My heart broke, but the cracks were immediately filled with faith, for the future and for the man who held a major part of it, Taylor Montgomery.

  Chapter 27

  Trista

  “Here’s his address and cell number. I had to beg Bass and made him promise not to tell his bestie a damn word about it.” Lindsey slid a piece of paper with her lazy scrolls into my hand before she sat next to me at the breakfast table. “You have to go and see him. Whether it’s for closure or just to pop in and say hello, you have to go, Tris. You’re never going to move on until you do. We both know it, so do this today.”

  Two weeks had passed since I said my goodbyes to Harry. For each of those fourteen days, I had tried to gather up courage to see Taylor, but I always ended up being a coward and kept pushing back the inevitable.

  Amber yawned as she strode into the kitchen, joining Lindsey’s campaign. “Yuppers. You gotta do it. You owe this much to him and to yourself. Stop thinking and just go.” she said before she spun around to the fridge and took out a carton of orange juice.

  “Tonight,” I murmured to both of them. I had to make it or break it.

  Tonight was my D-Day. I was scared shitless but it was today or never.

  ***

  I had no idea what kind of car he drove, so I wasn’t sure if that was his in the driveway, but I knew I had to try and pursue my heartfelt mission or I might never forgive myself.

  My entire body felt like it had been electrocuted. My hairs stood up and I was uncomfortably jumpy. Each step I took heading towards the two, tall, black main doors, felt stone heavy. I tried to clear my muddled brain as I pushed the doorbell. Breathe. I was in the middle of rehearsing the things I wanted to say to him, but every thought vanished the moment my eyes connected to his. I stood there, speechless, nervous as hell and momentarily clueless. Fuck.

  For the past two weeks I had been so busy trying to figure out what to say to him that I had overlooked what it would do to me to see him again. My memories didn’t do him justice. My dreams couldn’t compare to the realness of him. The overwhelming feeling of happiness, sadness, desperation, fright and insecurity were eating me whole as we stared at each other in utter shock.

  “Trista?”

  My teeth caught the bottom of my lip as my eyes took in his dressed state. “Hi…you’re going out?” Taylor was wearing a black, expensive tux, unbuttoned around his neck with a black bowtie hanging around it, looking irresistibly and sinfully sublime. Good God, how did I even think it was possible not crave this sexy monster?

  “I am, actually. I’m about to head out.” He sighed and opened the door wider. “We can speak for a bit. What brings you here?”

  Where was he going? I wanted to ask, but didn’t want to cause any rift before I had to say my peace. “Thank you,” I murmured past him, entering his home.

  After he closed the door behind me, he motioned towards me to follow him. Quietly, I walked behind him as my eyes took in his home. It was not what I had expected; it was masculine, but homey. His living room was painted in pale honeydew with dark wood flooring and furniture. He had two, large, white linen couches facing each other, they and they looked rather comfortable. One wall had floor-to-ceiling hardcov
er law books in numbered editions. I became so engrossed studying his living room that I forgot about Taylor until he spoke.

  “You can take a seat if you want.” His chin gestured at the couch while he stood there, hands in his pockets. I could tell he was studying me, probably waiting for me to get my shit together and start talking. Why was this so difficult? I found myself leaning against the couch, my hand on the edge of the armrest, needing something to hold me up. “How are you? I heard you came back two weeks ago. I just came by to say hi and catch up.” I blabbered out, awkward, edgy and utterly nervous. I sounded like a complete idiot and, at this very instant, I certainly felt like one. Taylor’s distant attitude didn’t help calm my nerves.

  “I’m doing well—” He paused when the house phone started ringing. He cocked his head to check the time on the clock.

  It was obvious that he was pressed for time. “You can go get it. I’ll let myself out. Sorry for interrupting your evening. I hadn’t—” My legs began leading out of there, but I paused as I was leaving the living room, when the voicemail picked up the call.

  “Baby, it’s Meg. You’re not picking up your phone. So if you’re on your way, don’t mind this message. It’s crazy, I know but I miss you already. Hurry!” After a long beeping sound, the house became silent again.

  The pain that seared me then was so severely violent, I believed I may have momentarily blacked out. Taylor was back with his ex, Megan, the one who he toyed with the thought of going back to.

  Right, why hadn’t I thought of this scenario? My stupid brain was too caught up thinking about him and our time in Greece along with that time he asked me to be with him.

  “Trista—” Taylor whispered behind me. I could feel him close, but he didn’t reach out for me. The way he said my name told me it was too late. We had so much to say to each other, but there were no words to say.

  There was no strength or will left in me to turn around and say goodbye. Instead, I just gave a shaky nod and pushed my legs to take me out of his house.

  Just like that—with no words at all—I silently mourned my loss.

  That’s what we were to each other, so much yet not much at all.

  Life was about chances. The bad ones always return, the good ones tend to come back, but the best ones haunt you for the rest of your life.

  I had mine.

  And I regrettably missed it.

  ***

  Going home would only mean I had to face Lindsey and Amber. That was one thing I wasn’t in the mood for. I needed to be alone to regroup for a night or two; I needed to cry out my agony, my stupidity and my lost chance to be happy with the guy who understood me. The man who had taken care of me even when I was a Class A bitch; even when I was pushing him away and calling him names. Through all of that he was there, unwavering.

  It was barely six in the evening and I found myself checking-in at Chateau Marmont. It was funny really, I suppos suppose you could call this my heartbreak hotel. It was the perfect place for me and , I didn’t want to be anywhere else.

  Three hours later, I was still crying my guts out. I felt awful and empty ; like like there was a big, gaping hole that needed to addressed. Honestly, I knew I shouldn’t be crying because Taylor had moved on. I should be thankful that I had the opportunity to meet someone like him, to know how it felt to be with someone of his caliber. Most of all, because of him, I knew what it was like to have a man that truly made me happy. One day, I would look back on my time with him without any regrets, instead, I would look on those times with hope, hope for a future where there was life after heartbreak and loss.

  Taylor really was in truth, my dark angel. He referenced himself as such in the very beginning.

  My heart poured with such endless emotions that I simply couldn’t hold back any longer. While tears flowed freely down my face, I started to type him a text message.

  I came by today with a lot to say, but the moment I saw you, I was at a loss for words. How do I start to form the words I needed to tell you then, but couldn’t? I know I have to start somewhere, so, here I am, starting this while fighting the urge to delete this stupid message to begin with. Ever since that night you walked away from me in the alcove, you haven’t left my thoughts, Taylor.

  I despised you in the beginning. You were arrogant and in my face about everything. Most of all, I hated how you had seen me at my lowest. You saved my life, yet I hated your guts more than ever. We clashed, we fought and argued whenever we could. One thing stood out, though, our attraction to each other was just as strong. The only defense I had was for us to keeping fighting and bickering, but when you stopped that, and started kissing me instead, all of the fight left me. You made me want you. You adamantly broke through my barriers and got through to me.

  You’ll always be that special person I will think about when I’m old and gray. You taught me so much and, for that, I will always be grateful.

  Our time will forever be with me. Its mark will never be forgotten. I hope you find your happiness as you have wished for me to find mine.

  Greece will always and forever be yours…

  Sent.

  Goodbyes were the hardest ones. I was tired of giving them. I made a pact with myself that when I came out of this hotel suite, I would go home and look forward to starting my life again.

  This past year may have contained the worst kind of struggles, torments and sins, but I was ready to pick myself up, dust myself off and reboot.

  This time, I was hell-bent to do it right.

  Chapter 28

  Trista

  I woke up today with a restlessness that I couldn’t shake off. So, at six-thirty in the morning, I headed home and dressed myself to jog it out on the beach.

  I needed to wear myself out since sleep was rather absent as of late. Though the happiness I had sought with Taylor was now nonexistent, I was comforted by the thought that I had my whole life ahead of me. The sick, depressing feeling had subsided as glimmers of sunshine were now breaking through my tinted life.

  Half a mile in, I stopped jogging and stood close to the shore. At the far end of the ocean was the first break of sunrise. I stood there watching, too late to realize that I had tears streaming down my face until a man stood next to me and handed me his white handkerchief. I murmured my thanks as I wiped my eyes dry.

  “It’s beautiful isn’t it? Sometimes beauty can be very deceiving. One day it’s calm and quiet. The next, it’s brutal.” I glanced at the kind man with crow’s feet around his warm eyes. “Whatever kind of demons you’re dealing with, don’t fret my dear child. Even Jesus forgave those who betrayed him, those who killed masses of people, those who had sinned more than you have. Guilt is a vile thing, but let it serve as a lesson never to be repeated because, when guilt comes back the second time, it’s very unforgiving.”

  Shaking my head, I turned to the man, who I now noticed had a beaded rosary around his neck. “How did you—”

  The man of God gave me a reassuring smile. “I see people like you on a day to day basis. Go on child, live with love and everything will be okay.” He gave me another smile before he started to walk away from me.

  That was seriously the greatest and, might I add, the oddest conversation I have ever had in my life. God worked in mysterious way it seemed. Even if I had abandoned him, the good ole man still looked out for me.

  Yes, I was beyond comforted.

  Sunrises, I wanted more of them. Today was a brand new day. My rebirth, my second chance, and I was done wasting any more time dwelling on the past.

  ***

  “You promise to meet up with us? This is not some stupid excuse to make us go away?” Amber arched her brow at me, suspicious.

  I groaned at her stubbornness. “I promise, okay? Carter’s house is a block away, seriously.” Carter and the guys were throwing an end of the summer party that would continue until Sunday night. “I’m going to shower. Give me an hour to get ready. Bye.” I strode out of the kitchen and went into my bedroom.
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br />   I heard our doorbell chime just before I jumped in the shower. “I’m leaving now!” Amber yelled at the top of her lungs.

  Living with Lindsey and Amber was actually not so bad. We would occasionally bicker, but that was a given. I was excited to start school on Monday, but, most of all, excited to see Emma again tomorrow. Ever since we had left London, our contact with her had been scarce. She said she was busy with the movie wrapping up, but I knew it was pure bullshit. Emma was dodging something important. My only guess was Carter was causing rift between them. To what extent, I had no clue.

  My heart ached for Taylor. Each day, I felt the agony of it. The only thing that kept me afloat was remembering how much he had persisted that I had to start learning how to fight through the darkness. “Fighting is progressive. Fighting is reason.” He had once said to me. So, here I was, learning to fight, for my life and for my future.

  Once I was out of the shower, lathered with body butter and with towel dried hair, I grabbed my periwinkle-colored silk robe, loosely wrapping it around me. I strode out of the bathroom and headed straight to my walk-in closet. I halted when my phone chirped with a text message.

  Lindsey: Going to Carter’s now. See you in a bit.

  Smiling, I responded.

  Me: You betcha!

  Right after I sent the message, something caught my eye.

  I jumped out of my skin and no words came out.