Variables of Love

by M. K. Schiller

  I clenched my teeth, not sure how to extricate myself from this gorgeous, strange boy who was doing horrible things to my self-control. “Okay, Ethan, you wanted an interview. I’ll give you one.”

  He smiled eagerly, like the most adorable little boy.

  “Why do you want to be my friend?”

  “I think you’re interesting. I like talking to you.”

  “If we hypothetically entered into a friendship, what is your ultimate goal?”

  “Who says I have a goal?”

  “There is always a goal with any endeavor.”

  “Maybe my goal is to make you smile more. Isn’t that an admirable goal?”

  I stared in stunned silence while he smiled at me expectantly. His smile was infectious though, and I couldn’t help but match it.

  “See? I’m succeeding already.”

  I sucked in a deep breath, feeling the smile transform back into the grim expression I usually wore. “Interview’s over,” I said, grabbing my backpack.

  “What is it that precludes me from being your friend, Sunshine?”

  I melted when he called me that, but I’d lay a wager he assigned that moniker to all the girls. I swallowed hard, not sure how to explain myself. “You’re a really nice guy, but—”

  “It sounds like you’re breaking up with me already.”

  I gave him a cynical smile. He straightened up, lacing his long fingers together on the table.

  “You’re a math major,” I said, “so you understand the importance of balance. Every equation has to equal out, and we don’t. Not on any level. We don’t fit. Not as anything. Not even friends. Do you understand?”

  Ethan’s eyes lit up, and his sexy lips curled in a playful smile. “I can’t lie. You’re turning me on something fierce with that math analogy, especially one so Euclidean in nature. Honestly, though, I can’t say I understand since correlation does not equal causation. If anything, mathematics provides logic for my argument.”

  “How so?”

  “A and B are different variables, but together they always equal C, right? A and B are rarely equal. You’re implying that you and I are on opposite sides of the equation, but we’re not. We are both on the same side, working toward C. C represents the culmination of our friendship. But, Meena, if we’re not friends, then we’ll never find C, will we? Don’t you want to solve for C?” He held out his hands in some sort of invitation to me. It was so adorably sexy I almost forgot my point. He is actually turning me on…with math.

  I shouldn’t have brought up math to a math major. “Sometimes C has no solution.”

  “Every problem has a solution. It’s just that some are so complicated they haven’t been solved yet, but that doesn’t mean they can’t be.”

  “I have to go. Thanks again.” I grabbed my stuff and rushed off before he had a chance to respond.

  Chapter 4

  “DOESN’T KEITH LOOK HOT?” Rachael asked, fanning her porcelain skin with a movie magazine. She leaned back on the picnic table, letting her crimson locks fall down her back.

  “Sure,” I agreed although I wasn’t paying attention.

  Raj, Rachael, and I sat at the wooden picnic table at an off-campus park, watching a rugby match. Rachael’s latest boy toy, Keith, invited her. She came because she wanted to appear supportive. She’d dragged us along because she didn’t want to get bored.

  I had no idea why we indulged her since it was just a matter of time before she broke up with this one. She rarely stayed with the same guy for more than a few weeks. Rachael was loud, brash, and bright. She was the complete opposite of my rigidity and Raj’s timidity, but that’s what made the three of us work so well.

  Rachael and Raj were my two best friends. Despite the fact Raj and I shared the same culture and Rachael and I hailed from the same small town, we were an unlikely trio. Still, we relied on and confided in each other. I would have told them about my feelings for Ethan, but I was having a difficult time understanding them myself, let alone articulating them to someone else.

  It had been a few days since Ethan and I’d had coffee, but he had taken up all the valuable space in my head. I remembered the strangest things about him—how long his fingers were, the way his hair swept across his face, and the various shades of blue captured in his eyes. I was so captivated with these thoughts that when I saw him, I thought I was dreaming. He ran down the field in a black and white striped rugby shirt and loose shorts, flexing the muscles in his powerful legs. Although he was dressed like all the other players, I recognized his tall, muscular frame right away.

  “Can’t say I’m not enjoying myself,” Raj said, gesturing to the field. I had to agree. We were away from the stands. It was close enough to watch, but far enough not to be heard. I doubted Ethan had seen me, which was good since I was pretty much leering. He was very athletic and had managed to score some points, or goals, or touchdowns, or whatever they called it in rugby. I didn’t know, but I was still in awe of it.

  “I like this better than football. No padding, but the pants could be tighter,” Rachael said.

  “Actually they’re called scrum shorts and designed to withstand all the tackling and grabbing,” Raj said. Both Rachael and I stared at him, mouths gaping. He shrugged. “I boned up.”

  “I’m sure you’re all boned up, Rajesh,” Rachael said, winking at him.

  Raj’s laughter was so surprising, it momentarily distracted me, but then my eyes darted across the field to find Ethan again. I was happy I came today. This way, I could watch and enjoy him without any discomfort. Any kind of relationship with Ethan Callahan was off limits. He was like an expensive work of art roped off with velvet.

  Suddenly, Rachael stood up and clapped. I looked down, not wanting to draw attention to myself. “Did you see that? Keith scored.”

  “Meena’s not looking at anyone else on that field except Ethan Callahan.”

  In one sweeping move, Rachael dropped down from her perch on the table to the seat next to me. “Ethan Callahan? What have you been keeping from me, karma girl?” she asked, wiggling her eyebrows suggestively.

  I shrugged my shoulders. I was embarrassed, but I knew better than to give in to it.

  This piece of info was like catnip for Rachael. “Do you think he’s cute?”

  “She does,” Raj answered before I could.

  “I do not!”

  Raj laughed. “Then why the hell are you staring at him so hard? Are you testing your psychic powers?”

  “How do you know him?” Rachael asked me.

  I told the condensed version of the class we shared and our run in at the cafeteria. Raj interjected, adding unnecessary embellishments about Ethan drooling over me. Surely I would have noticed drool. Ethan was too calm and collected to have any such reaction, especially over me.

  “So, answer my original question. Do you think he’s cute?” Rachael asked, bumping my shoulder.

  “Yes,” I replied, rolling my eyes. “It doesn’t mean anything.”

  “It means everything,” she said. “You never think anyone is cute. You don’t even think Johnny Depp is cute, and I’ve had boyfriends that could admit that.” Raj started laughing, but Rachael silenced him with her snarky glare. “And, no, they were not gay.”

  “Are you sure?” Raj asked, raising his eyebrows.

  “Trust me. You’re my only turncoat.” We all shared a mutual laugh over Rachael’s reference to her and Raj’s failed sexual experiment in determining his orientation. Actually, maybe it was a success. I wasn’t quite sure. Whatever it was, it somehow bonded them. He was grateful to her, and she felt protective of him as a result. Rachael turned back to me.

  “He asked me out,” I said.

  Rachael squealed. It was a high-pitched unnatural sound, and even some of the players noticed.

  I patted her knee. “Calm down. I said no.”

  She frowned. “Meena, live a little. You’re not off the market yet.”

  “I was never on the market. Besides, I don’
t like him like that. I just think he’s cute, that’s all. It’s an observation.”

  Rachael rolled her eyes, and I braced for another stern lecture about how I needed to loosen up. “I know Ethan Callahan,” she said, staring straight ahead. “He’s the kind of guy even smart girls get into catfights over. He’s sexy, smart, and athletic. I hear he’s well-off, too.” She sighed wistfully, staring in Ethan’s direction, “Yep, he’s a total package any girl would love to unwrap, if you know what I mean.”

  My mouth went dry, and my hands clenched into tight fists. “How do you know him?”

  She smiled with fake innocence. “I’ve seen him at parties. We have some mutual friends. I’d call him an acquaintance.”

  “How well do you know him?” I asked. The question came out much sharper than I’d intended, or maybe it was exactly as I’d intended.

  She leaned back, crossing her legs. “You’re asking if I’ve slept with him?”

  “I guess so.”

  “Because I’m a slut, right?”

  “Frankly, yes,” I replied, crossing my arms. I didn’t like the idea of Ethan and Rachael together at all.

  Raj busied himself with his phone. He always stayed out of conflicts like this between Rachael and me, but in reality, they weren’t hostile. We were brutally honest with each other, and neither of us approved of the other’s lifestyle. Raj hid who he was, and Rachael showed someone she wasn’t. I fit right into the middle of those two things. Either way, I was grateful we’d all found each other. It was in the bluntness of that honesty that our friendship bloomed.

  “If I told you I fucked him, would it make you like him less?”

  “I don’t know. Maybe.”

  Rachael’s satisfied grin spread from ear to ear.

  “What?”

  “I knew you liked him. You just admitted it.”

  I pushed her away. “You tricked me.”

  “Relax, Meena. I haven’t slept with him, though I wouldn’t mind.”

  “Rachael!”

  “Don’t worry—you know I’m a slut with ethics. Now that I know you like him, it’s hands off. Chicks before dicks and all that.”

  “You’re so gross!” I was about to tell Rachael she could have him because I couldn’t, but I snapped my mouth shut. That was the last thing I wanted to say.

  Since we were on the topic of Ethan, I’d come clean about everything. My face became serious as I stared up at Raj sitting on the tabletop. I didn’t know how he would react, or if this was even the right venue for this conversation, but I’d avoided it too long. “Raj, he knows about you. I swear I didn’t tell him, but he figured it out anyway. He says he won’t tell anyone, and I believe him. But I wanted you to know…Ethan knows you’re gay.” I whispered the words even though I doubted anyone was listening. I expected Raj to freak, but he didn’t seem fazed at all.

  “Raj doesn’t even know if Raj is gay,” Rachael said dryly.

  “Raj is pretty sure he’s gay,” Raj said.

  We both gaped at him. I’d known this boy since I was a freshman, and he’d questioned his homosexuality for so long it was shocking to hear him make such a definitive statement. He smiled impishly at Rachael and me, before jumping off the bench and sitting in the small space between us. He was very thin, so he just fit into the snug area. He placed an arm around each of us. “I kissed a boy, and I liked it.”

  I gasped, and Rachael chuckled. “What?”

  “A boy in my Macro class asked me out for coffee. Afterward, we went to his car and talked.”

  “You kissed him?” I asked.

  “He kissed me. It was nice.”

  “Are you going to see him again?” Rachael asked.

  “Um…actually, I just got a text from him. He wants to meet up. Would you guys mind if I bailed?” I felt him stiffen beside me, like he was trying to keep his emotions from spilling out.

  “Yeah, go ahead. Keith can give us a ride back,” Rachael offered. I wasn’t very comfortable with the idea, but I couldn’t protest. I was too happy for Raj.

  Raj smacked a kiss on each of our cheeks before standing up.

  “Wait, what about Ethan knowing? Aren’t you upset at all?”

  Raj simply shrugged, the smile on his face only deepening, showing off his dimples. “I don’t think he’s the type of guy to blab. He seems cool.”

  I let out a long sigh. Rachael and Raj both looked at me questioningly.

  “Meena, stop worrying so much. You’re going to get an ulcer,” Raj warned.

  He was right. All my muscles relaxed at once, and I felt foolish for being so tense in the first place, especially when Raj was so calm. Rachael and I clung to each other, smiling like loons, as if we were watching our baby bird take his first flight. Because we were so distracted, neither of us noticed Keith approach with Ethan by his side.

  “Hey, baby,” Keith said, sitting next to Rachael. He pulled her in for a long kiss. I looked away from them, not wanting to invade their moment. Unfortunately, my eyes landed on Ethan’s chiseled face, complete with boyish grin.

  That was a big mistake, because I had to take a deep breath at the sight of him. His golden brown locks were slightly damp, and his face was flushed with a light sheen of sweat. His shirt clung to him, outlining the tightly coiled muscles underneath. Crap…even his sweat smells good. He curled his lips into a huge grin.

  “Hi, Meena.”

  “Hello,” I said, wanting to evade his eyes but unable to look away.

  “Oh, Ethan, I didn’t see you there,” Rachael mused, disentangling herself from Keith’s grip. “I forgot you know my roommate.”

  I tried not to react sarcastically to Rachael’s innocent act.

  “You guys are roommates?” Ethan asked, arching his brow. It was a common reaction, but usually people were surprised Rachael picked me. Ethan was probably surprised I picked Rachael.

  “Since freshman year,” Rachael announced as if it was an accomplishment. In many ways, it was. “And best friends too.”

  “Oh, so you must be friend number one then. I’m applying for the job of friend number three. Will you put in a good word for me?”

  Keith and Rachael both gaped at Ethan. I bit my lower lip so hard to keep from grinning I almost drew blood.

  “Huh?” Rachael asked.

  “It’s nothing. Are you ready to go?” I asked, gathering Rachael’s supplies, placing them back into her bag. It was like she was going on an overnight trip with the assortment of sunglasses, sunscreen, magazines, snacks, and water bottles.

  “Yeah, can you give us a ride, Keith?”

  Keith put his hand on the back of his neck, rocking back and forth on his feet. He was a nice guy with a shoulder-length mane of blond hair that would have been considered a hippie cut anywhere else in the country but fit perfectly in California. I felt sorry for him.

  Nice guys didn’t last long with Rachael. Once she realized they wanted her as much as she wanted them, she dumped them. I never understood it, but Rachael loved a good race, especially when it involved chasing lust. It was her drug, and like most addictions, it wore off fast, so she had to up her dose frequently. She didn’t date bad boys specifically, but she required a variety nonetheless.

  “Sure, but I brought my motorcycle today, so I’ll have to make two trips.”

  I stopped cleaning up to stare at Rachael and Keith. “That’s okay. I can walk.” I would walk a thousand miles before I got on the back of a motorcycle.

  “I can give Meena a ride,” Ethan said.

  “Awesome. Thanks, man,” Keith replied, keeping his eyes glued to Rachael’s.

  Rachael finally snapped out of her daze, turning to me for confirmation. I didn’t want to be alone with Ethan. It wasn’t that I didn’t like him. In fact, it was just the opposite, and that made me nervous, but I didn’t want to be a third wheel to Rachael and Keith either. In fact, I couldn’t be. There was no wheel for me. Living in Stanford was expensive, and neither Rachael nor I had a car. It wasn’t uncommon, and
usually everything was within walking distance so it wasn’t impractical, except for times like this.

  “Good, it’s all settled then,” Ethan confirmed, smiling at me.

  “Meena, does that work for you?” I was glad Rachael asked. I was beginning to wonder if I was invisible. I sometimes felt like I was.

  “It’s fine. I’ll see you later.” I handed the bag to her, and she immediately handed it back.

  “Can you take it? There will be no room for it on the bike. We’ll probably go for a drive.” That meant I wouldn’t see her for the rest of the day.

  “Sure, we can take it,” Ethan said, taking the bag from me. I laughed as he hung the bright pink bag covered in silly pictures of kissing lips across his broad shoulder along with his black duffle. But he didn’t seem to find it uncomfortable.

  “Be careful, and text me when you stop,” I said to Rachael. She sighed but nodded in agreement. As soon as Rachael and Keith left, I told Ethan, “It was a nice offer, but you don’t need to give me a ride. I can walk.”

  “It’s about two miles back to the dorms.” How did Ethan know I lived in the dorms? Then again, mostly everyone did, even the seniors. Renting a place off campus just wasn’t economical for most students, including Rachael and me.

  “I like to walk. It’s a nice day.”

  “Every day is a nice day in Palo Alto.”

  I shot him a sarcastic glance, but he was right. It was pretty much always beautiful.

  “Why don’t we compromise? We can go for a walk, and then I’ll give you a ride.”

  “How is that a compromise?” I placed my palms on my hips, wiping them on my jeans. Why are they so damp?

  “Well, you just said you liked to walk, and I’d like to give you a ride. Now, you get to do both. It’s the perfect compromise. Come on—I’ll show you something cool.” He jerked his head toward the exit of the park, smirking at me.

  He started walking, not giving me a chance to protest again, taking Rachael’s silly bag with him. I stood there for a second. When I finally started following him, I had to run to catch up. How did this happen?

  “Hungry? Want a hot dog?” he asked, gesturing to a nearby vendor.