Variables of Love

by M. K. Schiller

  “Who said anything about casual?”

  “You want a relationship?”

  I placed my finger under her chin, guiding her face up to my mine. I nodded slowly.

  She looked pained as she stared up at me with those beautiful, brown eyes. “I can’t do that either.”

  “Why?”

  “I care for you, and I loved this,” she said, gesturing to the bed. “But, I’m still going to have an arranged marriage. It’s the way I was brought up.”

  I tried not to let my disappointment show. It wasn’t like I wanted to declare my eternal love or anything, but I wanted more than a one-night stand, which is what this would be if she let it end like this.

  She stood up with her back to me. Her voice was shaky. “I could never have a future with you, Ethan.”

  I encircled her waist with my arms and pulled her down to my lap. I sucked on her earlobe before I whispered into it. “What about the present? Can we have a present together, Sunshine?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “We have the rest of the school year before we go our separate ways. Let’s spend it together.”

  “Do you think that’s a good idea?”

  “Yes, if we’re honest with each other, which we are.” I moved her hair aside and kissed the nape of her neck. She moaned softly. I knew her body well already.

  “Don’t you think it’ll be difficult?”

  I tightened my grip on her. “No, it’ll be easy. I promise.”

  “Why?”

  “Most relationships are all about figuring out if you have a future together, and we’ll already know. We don’t. We won’t have that pressure.”

  I said it to reassure her, but I was also convincing myself.

  Chapter 12

  ETHAN DECLARED WE SHOULDN’T have sex for forty-eight hours because I was sore. I insisted I wasn’t. He insisted I was. We spent another great day in Santa Cruz. He tried tofurkey and did his best not to gag. I tried to give him a blowjob with similar results. It was enough to excite him into forgetting about his stupid rule. That’s how we found ourselves driving around for twenty minutes until we found a store. We were in desperate need of contraception.

  Ethan stood in front of the boxes of prophylactics. I started walking away to get other supplies, but he grabbed my belt loop and pulled me back against his chest. His arms encircled me, his mouth hovering over my ear. “Which one?”

  “You want me to pick?”

  “No, I want you to guess.”

  I stared at the assortment of packages, utterly confused. “Why are there so many kinds?”

  “Variety, taste, supply, and demand. Stop stalling.”

  He pressed into me, and I could feel his hardness. The aisles were empty, but there were cameras. The idea of a public display like this, standing in front of a rack of condoms, would normally have freaked me out, but I didn’t care. I craved his touch, and each time a new heady rush of adrenaline would course through me. This thing we had should be bottled up and sold on one of these shelves. We’d make a fortune.

  I tried to hide my wry smile as my hand paused on the box advertising the smaller sizes.

  He smacked my butt. “You’re mean.”

  “I’m just kidding, but that’s what you get for picking out a dress that was two sizes too large for me.”

  He laughed and nuzzled my neck.

  “Touché.”

  I went to the other side and picked up larger size condoms. “Is this right?”

  “That’s my girl,” he said, rubbing the area he’d smacked, “but grab two.”

  His girl? My heart leaped and flipped right in my chest. “Two?”

  “Or three?”

  He took the packages from me, tossing them into the cart without looking. Then he took a few more and did the same. “Would you consider going on birth control? I’ve been tested.” He kissed my earlobe, whispering salaciously in my ear, “and we don’t have to worry about you.”

  “I get the feeling that turns you on a little.”

  “You’re wrong…it turns me on a lot, and I don’t know why.”

  “It turns you on that I was a virgin?”

  He sighed, but I felt him smile when he pressed his mouth to my cheek. “Do you need everything spelled out? Yes. Yes. Yes. It turns me on like crazy that I popped your cherry. Wait, that was insensitive. Let me rephrase. I deflowered you.”

  Once I controlled my giggle, I pressed my hand against my chest and fluttered my eyelashes. “That’s very romantic.”

  “I try.”

  “Okay.”

  “Okay, what?”

  “I’ll go on birth control.”

  “Good.”

  I struggled out of his grasp, but he still held me there.

  “I need your approval, baby. We’ll need this too.” He gestured to the bottles of lubricant on the top shelf. I turned my face to stare at him. “It’s for you. It’ll help you.”

  There were a ton of bottles there, and I had no idea what to look for. I shrugged. “You pick. I trust you. I’m going to get snacks. Anything you want?”

  He released his hold on me, picking up a package to study it. He was a label reader. It made me laugh to know he was going to spend some serious time picking the right lubricant.

  He found me a few minutes later in the snack aisle. “We have a winner,” he said, tossing a black box into the cart. “We need to get out of here…like now. Please tell me you’re done?”

  I gave him a knowing look as I held up the jumbo pack of energy drinks, displaying them like a game show hostess. He raised his eyebrow in amused curiosity.

  “It’s for you. It’ll help.”

  Ethan laughed so loudly it echoed through the store.

  Chapter 13

  ETHAN AND I SPENT the entire break in Santa Cruz. It was magical and special. Not just the sex, which was awesome in itself, but the long walks on the beach, the intellectual conversations, and the silly movies. I didn’t care what we did as long as I was with him. In fact, it was so hard to leave him that Rachael beat me home. I hadn’t been to my room since the party. So much had changed since then. I wanted a chance to get my bearings before facing Rachael’s scrutiny, but no such luck.

  She sat in her bed, legs crossed, arms folded. “You had sex with Ethan Callahan.”

  I had no idea how she could be so perceptive. “Why would you say that?”

  “You were evasive the last time we talked.”

  “You’re making an assumption.”

  “It’s an educated guess. You’re wearing the same clothes that you were when I left on Tuesday.”

  “I’ve done laundry, you know,” I replied haughtily, although I had no reason to be since she was correct.

  “Not here. Your quarters are still lined up.” She had me. I always lined up my quarters on the corner of my desk in neat rows and perfect increments, ready for the laundry, and it was always exactly enough for two loads.

  “I had sex. Are you happy now?”

  “I want to know if you’re happy, karma girl.”

  I sat on my bed, grinning so widely it hurt. “Yes.”

  She squealed and dashed out of her bed to jump onto mine. “Details,” she screamed.

  I gave her an abbreviated version of our first night. I left out what Ethan had done for my birthday. Rachael didn’t know it was my birthday, and she might be upset about that. I told her how gentle he was, but sexy and commanding at the same time. How much it turned me on. I felt guilty for spilling all of our intimate details, but I was bursting to tell her.

  “I’m glad your first time was so good. It’s rare to have an orgasm your first time.”

  “What was your first time like?”

  “Awful,” she spat out. “It was in the backseat of Mike Pulaski’s pickup. It was over before I knew it. That asshole actually complained I stained his upholstery.”

  “That’s horrible.”

  She shrugged. “It’s okay. I’ve made up for it. Anyway, so now you
know what it’s like, are you going to do it again?”

  “We did. Again and again. We’re in a relationship.”

  “That’s great.”

  “Not really. My plans haven’t changed or anything. We’re basically enjoying each other in the short term.”

  “Meena, I haven’t seen you look this happy since…well, since ever. People do this all the time. You have to grab what happiness you can in this life. When you’re done, you’ll be able to be that traditional, married, Indian woman who’ll look back with no regrets.”

  I stared at her with skepticism. “I don’t think people do this all the time, Rach.”

  “Sure they do. There’s a reason ‘friends with benefits’ is an actual phrase.”

  “That’s just it. We’re not friends with benefits. We’re in a committed relationship with an expiration date. It’s different. Like there’s a greater risk. We’re renting space in each other’s lives.”

  “What’s wrong with renting? Who owns at our age anyway? You think too hard, Meena. Just enjoy his company and banging him. You’re both smart, realistic people, so you’ll be able to do this and say goodbye when the time comes.”

  “Bang him? Did you really just say that?” I asked, rolling my eyes.

  She giggled. “Would you rather I said make love, fuck him, sex him, coitus, snake in the jungle?”

  “No,” I replied, giggling. “Isn’t it funny how many words exist for one act in the English language?”

  Rachael pondered my statement for a while. She had a minor in communications so she always enjoyed conversations about…conversation. “Why do you think that is?”

  I didn’t need to contemplate the answer. “It’s because it’s so prevalent in the culture. I think any language creates the most words for what’s important to them.”

  “Huh, I like that idea. Like how there are a million words for snow in Eskimo.”

  I didn’t think there were a million words or that the language was called Eskimo, but I nodded because she got the gist of it.

  “What are there the most words for in Hindi?”

  Ironically, I spoke broken Hindi, the way some immigrants mangled the English language. I used the wrong tenses and pronouns, but I knew the answer anyway.

  “Family.”

  There were words to describe one grandparent as opposed to the other. Older siblings, younger siblings, father’s brother versus mother’s brother were all different. But I didn’t want to dwell on that because what I was doing with Ethan would be devastating to my family. Of course, they would never find out. I’d been so careful with my parents’ trust since Vijay died, they never questioned me anymore.

  “Hey, have you talked to Raj?” I asked, desperately wanting to change the subject.

  “Yes, we talked for a long time.”

  “How’s he doing? I haven’t talked to him since Wednesday.”

  “Good. He said that although this didn’t work out, he’s ready to get back on the horse again. I’m assuming that’s some kind of gay sexual position.”

  I laughed. “Rachael, you know it’s not. You know more about sex than Raj.”

  “Yeah, I know more about it than most people.” Her expression turned sullen, which worried me. Rachael was always vivacious and lively. It was rare to see her sad. I didn’t press, though. She would tell me when she was ready. She always did.

  Chapter 14

  TEXT FROM ETHAN TO MEENA:

  I want to see you tonight.

  Me 2. Cant.

  Why? Also, please write out your

  messages. I hate text shorthand.

  Seriously? You write out your texts

  and use punctuation? That’s very anal.

  We’re talking about anal…already?

  Shit! You made me drop my phone.

  LMAO (abbreviations are allowed).

  I want to see you. It’s been forever.

  It’s been three days.

  That’s my point.

  I want to but I have plans.

  What are you doing?

  You sound like an overbearing boyfriend.

  Because I am one.

  I’m hanging out with Raj and Rach.

  Is there a reason I can’t tag along?

  It’s not your kind of scene.

  Will Raj and Rach mind?

  No, but I don’t think you’ll have a good time.

  Won’t you be there?

  Yes.

  Then I’ll have a great time…smiley face.

  You wrote out smiley face? Who does that?

  I do, and look, you did it too, Sunshine.

  You win. I’ll text you where to meet us,

  but just remember I tried to warn you.

  I sat in the booth next to Meena and across from Raj, sipping my beer and cringing a little. “I can’t believe I’m in a gay bar.”

  Meena giggled. “I’m sorry—I should have told you. You don’t have to stay. I promised Raj I would come for moral support.”

  “Yeah, go ahead and bail on me like Rachael did,” Raj interjected.

  “Raj, it wasn’t personal. Alex asked her out, and besides, she wouldn’t like it here,” Meena replied.

  “You’re here, aren’t you?” Raj asked, gesturing to Meena. It was interesting seeing them interact. They acted like brother and sister.

  “Yeah, but Rachael would have hated this. All these hot guys and none of them looking at her,” Meena said, gesturing around the room.

  I laughed because I had a feeling she was right.

  “How come you’re fine with it?” Raj asked her. I knew the guy was a bundle of nerves. Hell, I was a straight guy in a gay bar, and I looked more comfortable than he did.

  “Because I only care if one guy is looking at me,” she responded, grasping my arm. I put my hand on her knee and squeezed. She got uncomfortable with public displays even in a place like this, so I did my best to put her at ease, although I really wanted to sit her on my lap.

  “Rachael’s going out with Alex, as in my friend Alex?” I asked.

  “Yes.”

  “When did that happen?”

  Meena shrugged. “They exchanged numbers and texted each other during break.”

  “Cool.” I knew Alex liked her, so I was happy for him. I just hoped it wouldn’t color the relationship I had with Meena. I didn’t want anything to jeopardize it.

  “Do you want to go, Ethan? I can meet up with you, later?” she asked me.

  I rubbed her knee. “No, I’m comfortable enough in my sexuality to stay and support Raj.” I lifted my beer to him in salute, but he just darted his eyes nervously. “Raj, you know, the guys in here probably think you’re with me, so you’ll have to make the first move.”

  His eyes got huge. “I have no idea how to do that. You want me to make a move?”

  “Yeah, unless you only planned on window shopping.”

  Raj stared at Meena hopelessly. “Don’t look at me,” she said. “I’ve never picked up a guy in my life.”

  “I wish Rachael were here. Her expertise would be valuable,” Raj said.

  Suddenly I felt their eyes on me, expectantly. I looked back and forth at them and gaped as what they were thinking hit me. “You want my advice…with this?”

  “You’re the only one of us who has any experience,” Raj pleaded.

  “Trust me man—I’ve never picked up a dude.”

  “It can’t be that different. Come, Ethan, show us your moves,” Meena said, rubbing my arm.

  “I don’t think it’s a good idea.” How weird was this. My girlfriend wants me to show her gay friend my so-called “moves.”

  “I don’t mind, and besides, you have a high success rate, don’t you?” She had a challenging look in her eyes.

  I turned to her, not hiding my proud grin. She looked so sexy tonight, with her long hair loose and shiny, spilling over a tight lacy purple top and hip-hugging blue jeans. For the first time that night, I was relieved to be in a gay bar.

  “Ninety-two
percent,” I replied.

  “What?”

  “My success rate—that’s the number of times I’ve successfully picked up a girl when I’ve initiated the process. Now, it’s not entirely accurate, because I haven’t accounted for the girls that had boyfriends already that I didn’t know about.”

  “It’s kind of freaky that you have that number in your head,” she replied.

  Raj looked impressed and tilted his beer to mine in a toast.

  I shrugged. “I’m a mathematician. I like to keep track of things.”

  “Am I in that total?” she asked.

  “No, I sort of stopped counting after I met you.” Normally, a girl would have gushed at a statement like that, but Meena looked worried. She didn’t want me to want her as much as I did. It was crazy, to hold back on the only girl I’d felt this way about. “I don’t think I picked you up…not traditionally, anyway,” I added, for her benefit, not mine.

  “Are you both just going to talk, or is someone going to give me some advice over here?” Raj interrupted.

  I turned away from her sheepishly, realizing I was just staring blankly into her eyes. She was doing the same.

  “Sorry. Okay, what do you want me to tell you?”

  “Don’t tell him, Ethan. Show him.”

  I almost choked on my beer. “What the hell? You want me to try to pick up a guy?”

  “No, silly, pick me up. You know…traditionally,” she said wryly.

  “Yeah, that’s actually a good idea. Show me, Ethan,” Raj insisted.

  I took a deep breath, but I nodded in agreement. “Fine. The thing that’s worked for me is to be honest. The more special the girl is—and when I say girl, you can interchange that with guy. Anyway, the more special the girl is, the more of yourself you want to give her. Let her know that. Don’t be afraid of telling her what you’re feeling. You don’t have to explain why you’re feeling it. Feelings don’t need explanations; they just exist, and it’s okay to let yourself be vulnerable in that way. It’s a rare trait for a man, and I think girls like it. You know what I mean?”