Variables of Love

by M. K. Schiller

  I walked into the bedroom, not knowing what to expect. The room was dark, and Ethan was sitting on the bed, shoulders hunched with his head in his hands. I thought he might be angry with me. I stood in front of him for a few moments, hoping for some clue. He completely surprised me by grasping my waist and leaning his head against it. Then he gently pulled my body down so I was sitting in his lap. He put his head on my shoulders and held me tightly.

  “Ethan—”

  “Shh, just let me hold you. Please.”

  I did, and we sat like that for several minutes. I could feel the tight muscles in his body relax, like I was some sort of remedy for them.

  “Did Darren leave?” he asked after a while.

  “Raj took him home.”

  “What about everyone else?”

  “They’re still here. Should I ask them to go?”

  “No, you made a lot of food. We should eat it.” He released me. I stood up and held out my hand toward him. “I’m sorry. I meant this to be a good night for you.”

  “Every night I’m with you is a good night. Don’t be sorry. He was being a total ass, and if it wouldn’t have ruined my manicure, I’d have punched him myself.” Ethan laughed, but it sounded hollow.

  Raj came back, and we served the food. Dinner was a tenuous affair. The meal was definitely not worthy of any favorable Food Network adjectives, but it was flavorful and edible. Unfortunately, the conversation was not. We were stiff and uncomfortable with each other. This should have been a happy time for us. Most of us were going to be graduating soon and starting our lives, but instead, we carefully stayed away from any conversation of substance. The things we did say were poor substitutes for the things we omitted.

  Ethan was talking to Alex and Phillip while I said my goodbyes to Rachael and Raj.

  “Well, you sure know how to throw one hell of a party, karma girl,” Rachael said sarcastically as I hugged her goodbye.

  “Yeah, it should win the award for worst dinner party ever,” I replied.

  “If this is an adult dinner party, maybe we can just stay kids for a while longer,” Raj interjected, kissing my cheek.

  “Thanks for coming, but most of all, thanks for staying.”

  “Is he going to be okay?” Rachael asked, gesturing toward Ethan who had been unusually quiet during dinner.

  “I think so.”

  “Are you going to be okay?” Rachael asked me.

  “Are any of us?” I said, looking at both of them.

  Rachael shrugged. I shrugged. Raj shrugged. It was amazing that with all that shrugging we didn’t get neck cramps.

  Ethan insisted on doing the dishes and cleaning up. I decided I needed a long, hot shower. I sat on the built-in seat, adjusting the nozzle to the rain function. I’d never seen Ethan that angry. I had never seen him become violent, and although Darren was out of line, Ethan shouldn’t have punched him. It was still my fault. Everything was my fault. I was hurting the person I loved the most.

  “Can I join you?” Ethan asked, staring at me. I hadn’t heard him enter the room.

  “I was hoping you would.”

  He took off his clothes, revealing the hard-packed muscles of his chest and torso. I stared at the thatch of sandy hair that formed a perfect V-pattern, leading to that other muscle which had given me so much pleasure. My eyes lingered on the long, sinewy legs that carried me with no effort. The strong arms that held me in their embrace and always made me feel safe. He was beautiful.

  “Sunshine, if I knew you were going to watch me, I would have done a strip tease for you,” he joked, opening the large shower door.

  “What you did was just fine.”

  He squirted soap in his hand and began rubbing my shoulders. The hot water washed over us. I never imagined being so comfortable with my nudity with any man, but Ethan made it easy for me. He always looked at my body with carnal lust and desire, giving me courage to be open with him. His hands slid up and down my sides, settling at my hips.

  “We really suck at throwing parties,” he said after a while.

  I embraced him. “I think it had to do more with our guest list than our abilities as hosts.”

  “Good point.” He took my hand in his. I stared at the knuckle that was a little bruised from colliding with Darren’s face. I rubbed it with my fingers.

  “He was out of line, but you’ve heard him say stuff like that before. Why did you punch him?”

  “I was jealous.”

  I kissed the corner of his mouth. “You have no reason to be jealous of Darren.”

  He chuckled cynically. “Who said I was jealous of Darren?”

  “Then who?”

  His voice was quiet, but it pierced straight through my heart. “I haven’t met him yet. I probably never will.”

  I bit my lip so hard it hurt. Of course, he was thinking of the man I’d marry. A man I hadn’t even met yet. “I’m sorry.” It was all I could think to say.

  “I promised you I wouldn’t waste my time…our time, talking you out of it, and I won’t, but there’s something I have to know. I need to ask you a question. Be honest with me.”

  “What?” I asked, placing a hand on each side of his face.

  His hands traveled down my back. “What happens if the man you marry is cruel to you? What if he’s a drunk, or a loser that can’t keep a job, or worse…what if he hurts you?”

  “Ethan, it’s not like that. I’ll know him.”

  “Through an interview?”

  “It’s much more than that. I’ll know his background, his family, and the engagement process is a long one. We’ll be engaged, but I’ll be able to date him before we’re married.” I didn’t want to go into all of these details with Ethan, but I could tell from his questions and the way his muscles tightened around me that he needed clear answers.

  “Even if you do know him, people can change and not always for the better.”

  “That can happen in any marriage.”

  He swallowed, his hand stilling at the small of my back. “You mate for life, remember?”

  I’d forgotten I’d told him that at the pond, but it was obvious he hadn’t. “I won’t let anyone abuse me, if that’s what you’re asking.”

  “Promise me.”

  “What?”

  “Swear it to me right now, Sunshine. Promise me that if he hurts you, you’ll get out, and if it’s difficult, you’ll call me. No matter how much time has passed between us.” He took my hand and pressed it against his heart.

  “I don’t think you understand. Divorces are possible. It’s not like someone will—”

  “Don’t justify it. I know you’re from an educated, modern family, but I also know social stigmas exist. You’ve told me that. I just want you to swear it to me. Say it like an oath.”

  “Why?”

  “I need this.”

  I was touched, but surprised by what he was asking. My culture wasn’t one where women were killed, stoned, or beheaded for being independent. Ethan knew that, but I guess the whole idea of arranged marriage would cause him to wonder, and it was more difficult for a woman to stand up for her convictions than the western norm.

  “I promise you, Ethan Callahan, that I’ll leave my future husband if he hurts me.”

  “And if you can’t?” I shook my head, but his whisper was so powerful it sent a shiver down my back. “You owe me this. I need to hear you say it.”

  “I will call you no matter how much time has passed between us.”

  “Thank you,” he said, exhaling.

  I turned around and reached for the shampoo. He took it from me.

  “Let me,” he said.

  I closed my eyes and surrendered to his touch as he washed my hair. “What if it’s ten years from now, and you have to explain to your wife why some weird, obnoxious woman is calling you in the middle of the night?” I meant it as a joke, but as soon as I said it, the words sounded bitter and fell flat.

  His fingers stilled, and he leaned down, his mouth hovering a
bove my ear. “I’ll tell her the truth. I’m friend number three, and I always will be.”

  Chapter 24

  THE CLOSER WE GOT to our expiration date, the more complicated things became. The dinner party didn’t help, although it served as an opportunity for me to ask her the questions, which yielded the promises I needed. I told myself I could handle it. Meena had always been honest with me. She wasn’t cheating on me. She wasn’t lying to me. She wasn’t even breaking up with me. In some ways, I wish she were. It sounded crazy, but at least then I could hate her. I could have a focal point for my anger, frustration, and sorrow, but I couldn’t hate her. Her heart was too pure. She was my sunshine.

  I don’t know how she did it, but she convinced me to forgive Darren. It helped that he groveled a lot. It also didn’t hurt the cause that he had a fat lip. He’d finally crossed the line with me, but we had a long history. Darren’s father was a drunk who beat his mother. Darren wasn’t anything like his dad, but it haunted him, and that fear came out in assholish ways like flirting with my girlfriend.

  I returned from a pickup game of rugby to find Meena chopping vegetables in the kitchen. I came up behind her as I always did. I never surprised her. She always sensed my presence as I did hers. Something was wrong, though. Her fingers were shaking as she held the knife, and her shoulders shook like she was crying.

  “What’s wrong, Sunshine?”

  She sniffled. “I went to the park today to watch our swans. Isaac was by himself.”

  “So?”

  “Suzanne wasn’t with him. They don’t travel alone. I ran around the whole lake looking for her, and then I found her.” The tears started flowing freely, falling on the cutting board. “She’s dead.”

  “You’re crying because of a dead swan?”

  She stiffened. Fuck, I shouldn’t have said that. She was moving the knife so fast I was afraid she was going to cut her finger. It seemed like some sort of coping mechanism for her.

  “I know you’re upset about Suzanne, but it’s okay.” I placed my hands on her shoulder and rubbed them.

  “You think I’m crying because of her? I’m not. She’s gone. I’m crying for Isaac.”

  “Why?”

  “He’ll be all alone now, Ethan. He won’t have anyone. She left him all alone. How could she do that to him?” She sounded hysterical.

  “Meena, you’re being ridiculous. You need to calm down.”

  She was chopping so fast, it was difficult to distinguish between the knife, the carrots, and her fingers. I stilled the knife in her hand and took it from her.

  “What are you doing?” she yelled, backing away from me.

  “Relax. I don’t want you to chop off one of your beautiful fingers.”

  “You know you’re not supposed to touch it when I am.” She backed into the far corner of the kitchen. How could she possibly feel this much…for a swan?

  “What happens when we touch the same blade? What’s the worst that could happen? Fucking tell me.” I didn’t mean to sound so pissed, but all of the emotions broke through the carefully constructed damn I’d built.

  “It means we’ll fight, and look, that’s exactly what we’re doing, isn’t it?”

  I laughed sarcastically. “You can’t honestly believe in this stuff.” I threw the knife in the sink. “Your father’s a doctor, for God’s sake.”

  “That’s pretty hypocritical coming from a man who has a four-leaf clover tattooed on his arm.”

  I narrowed my eyes at her. “It was a drunken dare on St. Patrick’s Day. I don’t believe it brings me any kind of luck. I don’t believe in any of that silly superstitious crap, and I have no idea how you do.”

  “That’s it, isn’t it? You think I’m stupid. Just tell me. I give you permission.”

  I didn’t consider my words because I wanted to hurt her. “Yes, I think you’re stupid. I think it’s the most fucked-up idea I’ve ever heard to marry someone you don’t even know in hopes that you’ll fall in love with him eventually. You’re going to throw away what we have for some…some fucking unknown variable. You’re an idiot.”

  “I don’t owe you a justification, Ethan.”

  I swallowed the burning lump in my throat. I shook my head at her. “No, you don’t owe it, and you can’t give it because you don’t have a justification.” I stomped toward the door, needing to escape this fucked up mess we were in.

  “Where are you going?” she asked in a shaky voice.

  “It’s none of your business. I don’t owe you anything, either.” I slammed the door so hard on my way out that the sound followed me down the hallway.

  Meena

  He had been gone for a long time. I texted and called him, but he didn’t return any of my messages. It was late when I finally called Alex and Darren. They hadn’t seen him, but they both went to search for him. He’d left so angry. All the signs were there that we’d have a blowout. That was what happened when there were so many unsaid things between people. Even on simmer, the pot always boiled over.

  Darren and Alex brought back a very drunk Ethan. “Honey, I’m home,” he said, with the full southern twang that came out when he drank too much. I’d seen Ethan buzzed, but never witnessed him falling-down drunk.

  They placed him on the bed. I thanked them, hugged them, and sent them away so I could take care of him. I took off his shoes and socks. I removed his watch, rubbing his wrist. I thought he had fallen asleep, but he surprised me by sitting up and staring at me with those piercing blue eyes that looked as tumultuous as the waves of the Pacific.

  “You’re drunk,” I said, hoping he’d take it as a warning not to speak.

  “No shit, Sunshine. And you’re a fucking coward,” he spat, slurring the words.

  “Stop it.”

  “Do you even care that you’re breaking my heart?”

  There was such anguish in his voice that I felt the transference of his pain like a physical force wrapping itself around me.

  “Ethan, you know I care. I wish it didn’t have to be this way.”

  “Yeah, but you won’t do anything about it because you’re a coward.”

  I stared at him, shaking my head. He was being so mean, but in some ways I deserved it. I went to tousle his hair, but he slapped my hand away.

  “I want you out of my life. You’re occupying too much space.”

  “Ethan—”

  “You’re taking up too much space in here,” he said, gesturing to his head. “And way too much in here.” He moved his hand over his heart.

  “Let me just take care of you tonight.”

  “You’re the reason I’m in pain. You’ll just make it worse. I need you to go. I’m fucking blinded by all your damn…sunshine. I need it to be dark so I can breathe again.”

  I choked back a sob, but I got up and walked out. I called Darren and Alex and asked them to come back. Ethan needed someone to stay with him. They didn’t question it. They must have heard it in my voice. I called Raj too. He helped me pack. I was quick and quiet, but Ethan had passed out by then, so it really didn’t matter.

  Ethan

  I woke up to the worst headache I’d ever had. It took me a minute to get my bearings. The first coherent thing I did was grope her side of the bed. When I didn’t feel her, I called out her name. The door opened, and I expected it to be her, but it was Alex instead. He brought me a tall glass of water that I gulped down.

  “Where’s Meena?” I asked him.

  He avoided my gaze. “You were wrecked last night.”

  “Yeah, I got that part. Where is Meena?”

  “You should sleep it off some more.”

  “Why aren’t you answering my question?”

  “She’s not here.”

  I swallowed, waiting for more of an explanation, but he offered none. “Where is she?”

  He took the water glass from me and made a move like he was leaving the room.

  “Where the fuck is my girlfriend, Alex?”

  “She moved out.”

/>   I didn’t believe him. She wouldn’t leave me. It was too early anyway. We still had a month. We had more time. She owed me more time. I had no idea how I managed to find the strength with my pounding head, but I flung off the covers and ran to her set of drawers, pulling them so hard they dislodged from the track. They were all empty. The closet was devoid of her clothes as well.

  I ran to the other bedroom. All the supplies were where they should be, but there was only one painting. It was my favorite one with the starry background. She left it for me.

  I was free of any rational thoughts. The last conversation I remembered was about a dead swan and her crying. Did she leave me because a stupid swan died? I grabbed the wooden easel and flung it against the wall. It broke into a dozen pieces. I grabbed what had been an easel leg and used it like a bat to fling all of the baskets off the shelf. Pencils, tubes of paint, and charcoal littered the floors. I smashed them with my feet, not caring about the mess I was making. I was breathing hard, my head was pounding, and my whole body hurt. The emotional pain was the strongest, though. She betrayed me. How could she leave me? The lone unscarred object in the room was the painting, and I wanted to destroy it. I took the wooden stick in my hand, preparing to rip through the canvas the way she ripped open my heart.

  “Don’t do it, Callahan,” Darren warned.

  “Why?” Just hearing another voice calmed me somewhat, but I was still determined. He reached for the stick, but I held it tightly.

  “I’m not going to fight you. We’ve already established you can beat the shit out of me, but don’t do this.”

  “What difference will it make?”

  “You’ll regret it.”

  He was right. I dropped the stick and settled for punching a hole in the wall. It was stupid. My mother had written papers about unfounded anger in young men, but the physical assault on the inanimate objects still made me feel better.

  “She left me.”

  “I think you helped her make that decision.”

  I gaped at him, completely confused.

  “I don’t know what you said to her last night. She wouldn’t tell me, but I saw her. She looked…wounded. She looked like my mom after my dad beat her.”