Variables of Love

by M. K. Schiller

  He paused as if considering my answer. “You would be all right stepping aside and letting her marry Prem?”

  “The choice was never between him and me.”

  Dr. Kapoor raised his eyebrows questioningly, and I cleared my throat.

  “It was between you and me. I won’t make her choose.”

  They started boarding my flight. I stood, holding my hand out to Dr. Kapoor. “This is my flight.”

  He shook his head. “I’m not ready to shake your hand. I’m not done asking questions. So, you can either get on that flight, or you can answer all of my questions.”

  “What else could you possibly want to know? I promise you I’ll leave her alone. You have my word as a man on that.”

  “I want to know if you are right for her. I want to give you an interview, and then I’ll decide if I can shake your hand.”

  My eyes widened. I fell more than sat back in my seat, preparing myself for the most important interview of my life.

  It was funny, I’d thought Rachael’s mom had asked a lot of questions, but she had nothing on Dr. Kapoor. I was honest with him about everything including my parent’s relationship. I made no excuse or apologies for it. This was me, and I wouldn’t be anyone else.

  He told me of Meena’s confessions, her breakup with Prem, the fight they had gotten into. He even told me he slapped her. I had a hard time controlling myself for a minute, trying to hold back my anger, but it was obvious he regretted it.

  Before we finished, I asked him a question of my own. One I never thought I’d get a chance to ask.

  When we were done, he stood up and held out his hand. My hand was shaking as I took his.

  “I’m not so scary, am I?” he said.

  I exhaled the longest breath of my life. I think I’d held it the whole time we spoke. “No, it wasn’t as bad as it could have been.”

  “Out of curiosity, what would have made it scarier?”

  I was surprised by the question, but I smirked when answering, which was probably a mistake. “You know those cliché television shows where the boy shows up, and the father is busy cleaning his rifle while he talks to him?”

  Dr. Kapoor smiled. The first smile I’d seen, but it didn’t put me at ease. “Yes, Ethan, I’m not just off the boat.”

  I laughed because it was what Meena always said.

  “I’m familiar with them,” he said. My laughter disappeared as he gripped my hand tighter and spoke very quietly so no one would hear. “Listen to me, young man. I am Indian and typically nonviolent. I do not own a rifle, but I am also a brain surgeon and the things I can do with a scalpel will make you wish I owned a gun. Do I make myself clear?”

  I gulped audibly. “Very clear, sir.”

  “Do not hurt my little girl.”

  “I never will.” I had to shake my palm out when we were done. My hand hurt, but my heart and head felt so full and complete I did not care.

  Chapter 34

  I CAME DOWN TO BREAKFAST in my flannel pajamas. I had texted Ethan late last night and early this morning, but I’d received no reply. I called him, but it went straight to voice mail. I started assuming I had been wrong and he had, in fact, said his final goodbye. I prayed it wasn’t too late. I had so much to say to him.

  My mother was sitting at the kitchen table. I approached her warily, preparing for another lecture. She pushed out a chair and motioned for me to sit.

  “Mom, I don’t want to talk anymore.”

  “I need you to listen now.”

  I crossed my arms, waiting for her to begin. I owed it to her to let out her anger. I deserved it in many ways. She wouldn’t be able to change my mind, but at least I could give her some catharsis.

  “We never blamed you for Vijay’s death.”

  The statement jolted me in my seat. “You know that they were my friends and not his. He was there because of me.”

  “Yes, of course we knew that. We never blamed you, though. In fact, if anything we blamed ourselves. For a long time, we kept saying if only we had done this or that, he would still be here. I am so sorry, Beta.”

  “For what?”

  “Because I knew you blamed yourself for it. You were sad, and I never did anything to bring you peace. I failed as a mother.”

  “No, Mom, it wasn’t your fault either.”

  “You’re right. It happened. It was a tragedy in all our lives, but we were so busy looking for blame and living with the guilt that we never really grieved his death. We never moved past it. Do you forgive us?”

  I started sobbing again. I had no idea how many tears a person could make, but I felt like I might have surpassed a quota. “Yes, I forgive you. I forgive myself. I love you.”

  We embraced, and she was crying too. It was in that moment that I realized how I had lost her as a mother. How much I missed her support and guidance. More specifically, how grateful I was to get it back.

  When we released each other, she got up and came back with a box of tissues.

  “I assume Dad doesn’t share your opinions.”

  “He does. We talked about it all last night. He feels the same. I just couldn’t wait for him to tell you.”

  “Did he go back to Boston?”

  “Yes.”

  “So, he just ran away again to the apartment and job?”

  “No, Meena, he went to Boston, but not to work. He went to meet someone.”

  “Who?”

  “Another candidate.”

  I let out a horse scream. “Are you kidding me? You just tell me all that, and now you expect me to…to…just pick up…” I was so upset I couldn’t even finish the sentence.

  “No, Beta, calm down.”

  The front door closed just then. My mother rubbed my shoulders, and despite my tension, it calmed me.

  “He’s back,” she said.

  My father came into the kitchen a few minutes later. “Meena, you have a guest.”

  I stared at my father. He had an impish smile on his face, which was very odd for him in general but particularly on this occasion.

  “Is it Prem? Because I already told—”

  “Meena, please stop being insolent just once and come with me.”

  There was amusement in his voice that I hadn’t heard in a long time. It prodded me to stand up and follow him. He led me to the living room where Ethan stood, shuffling his feet nervously. I had no idea why, but I ran back into the kitchen.

  My dad sighed, following behind me. “Women really confuse me,” he muttered.

  My mother laughed, following behind him. “We always have.”

  “I don’t understand. What is he doing here? Did you threaten him?” I hissed the questions at my father, imagining him asking Ethan here to tell him off in front of me.

  My father laughed. “Yes, but not in the way you think.” He placed his hands on my shoulders and turned me so I was looking at him. There was nothing but love in his expression. “I have already lost one child. I will not lose another. We only want your happiness. I have interviewed him, and I approve, but the final choice is yours, as it always was.”

  I nodded, feeling my pulse race. My father gave me a little push. I made my way back to the living room. I walked very slowly toward him, scared he might disappear if I was too fast. His sandy brown hair was a mess, his face was rough with stubble, his piercing blue eyes were bloodshot, his oxford shirt was crumpled, but I had never seen him look more handsome.

  He grinned that boyish smile at me, and my heart melted. “Hi, Sunshine.”

  “You spoke to my father?”

  “Yes, he had a lot of questions for me.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “Don’t be. I have some things to tell you.”

  “Before you say anything I have to tell you something first. Something I should have said a long time ago. I love you, Ethan Callahan. I’ve loved you for such a long time. I think I first realized it in Santa Cruz, and I have felt it every day since, growing exponentially. I’m so sorry for not expressi
ng that to you and not fighting for us like I should have. I was weak, but now—”

  He pulled me toward him and kissed me, long and slow. I heard a distinct gasp coming from the French doors and realized my parents were spying on us. He must have too, because he released me right away. “You were never weak. You are the strongest person I know. Now, I have to tell you something.”

  His eyes darted around the room, and he began pacing. I waited until he finally came back and stood in front of me. My heart was pounding in my chest, making it difficult to focus.

  He took my hands in his. “I felt alone for so long. I didn’t know why. I had friends and a family that loved me. I felt at home wherever I lived whether it was in Austin or Los Angeles or New York, but I never felt as whole as I did in Palo Alto my senior year where every day was full of sunshine. I wondered why that was, but then I realized it was because before then and after then I was homeless.”

  “Ethan, that doesn’t make sense,” I said, rubbing his arms.

  “No, Sunshine, it really does. Because home is and has always been where you are.”

  I let out a raspy choke.

  He hugged me. “As I said, your father asked me a lot of questions, but I had one for him. He gave me the right answer, so now I have a question for you.”

  I had no idea what he was talking about. I was still confused when he stepped away and fell down on one knee. He held out a velvet box in one hand. I regarded it with curiosity.

  “Meena Kapoor, I love you. This precious stone is not nearly as precious as you, but I hope you will do me the honor of wearing it and becoming my wife.”

  I took the box from him, staring at the most beautiful ring I had ever seen. I looked back at Ethan who was staring up at me with hopeful eyes. I fell to my knees so I could talk to him without being overheard.

  “What are you doing? This isn’t exactly protocol,” he said, now confused.

  “Ethan, you don’t have to do this. I don’t want you to do something you’re not ready for. I’m just happy we have a future together. I’m satisfied with that for now.”

  He smiled and shook his head at me.

  “Sunshine, I no longer want a future with you.”

  I swallowed, unsure of his meaning.

  He placed a finger under my chin and lifted my eyes to meet his. “I want a forever. Will you be my forever?”

  Epilogue

  I WAS SITTING IN A CAB in rush hour traffic while it made its way to the restaurant Ethan had chosen in the Village. Part of me wanted to ask him to cancel and just spend the evening in his arms, but it was my birthday. Ethan always made a big deal out of it, and I wouldn’t cancel because, in some ways, the day had become so much more than my day. It was our day. The day he gave back to me.

  We’d been married for a little over two years now. Each day felt like a precious gift to me. We lived in that huge apartment, overlooking Central Park where we had found two new swans to stalk and make our own. I found a job as a senior data analyst. It wasn’t exactly a thrilling job, but I liked my co-workers and I loved coming home…to him.

  Ethan had made so many sacrifices for me. I would never forget how my mother insisted we have an Indian wedding. Although he wasn’t religious, his mother wanted an American one. We ended up having both in what was now referred to by our friends and family as the longest wedding in the history of the world. He told me he loved me so much he married me twice. It was all worth it, though.

  I laughed to myself in the cab, thinking of the moment when we finally told my mom what his mom did. She told me she already knew. I regarded her curiously, then with horror, when she admitted she owned several of Dr. Love’s books. I instantly understood Ethan’s embarrassed reaction the day I’d found out.

  My mother came to love Ethan. She claimed he reminded her of Vijay in so many ways. My father didn’t exactly love him, but Ethan definitely earned his respect. Not an easy task.

  “This is it,” the cab driver said.

  I looked out the window. It was a busy area of the Village, but the restaurant looked deserted. “Are you sure?”

  “Yep, that’s the address ma’am.”

  I paid him and got out, wondering if Ethan’s meticulous planning had somehow backfired and he’d given me the wrong address.

  “Hello, Mrs. Callahan, or should I say, birthday girl?” Ethan said, coming up behind me and embracing me, making me gasp with his sudden appearance. “Did I scare you?”

  “Yes, a little. I think you got the address wrong. This place looks abandoned.”

  “I don’t know about that. Let’s go in.”

  He pulled open the door. It was completely dark, and I turned searching for him, but he wasn’t beside me anymore. A light switch came on and then I was surrounded by people yelling, “Surprise!” I backed up in shock, my mouth hanging open and my knees shaking.

  Ethan immediately embraced me again, “Are you ready to beat the shit out of me yet?”

  I laughed. “You’re so lucky I love you.”

  “Yes, I am,” he replied.

  I didn’t see him after that hug for a long time because people were dragging us in opposite directions. Ethan had invited so many people to celebrate with us. I greeted our families, our new friends from New York, his colleagues, my colleagues, and our neighbors. I spent the most time with our old friends, though. Rachael was with Alex. They had been apart for so long and moved on, but they started talking again after they were in our wedding. And, like weddings often did, it served as a catalyst to reignite their relationship.

  “Look,” Rachael said, holding out her hand. A marquee diamond adorned it.

  I shrieked and pulled her in for a big hug. I saw Ethan give a manly-man hug to Alex on the other side of the room. “Your parents?” I asked, knowing she’d get the question.

  She shrugged. “They’re not jumping for joy. Neither are his. Both sets say one of us needs to convert, but we’re happy. I’m finally happy, karma girl. Not only with him, but myself.”

  “That’s great, Rach.”

  “Yep, glad you finally came out of the closet,” Raj said, putting his arm around Rachael.

  I hugged him and his partner, Daniel. We exchanged pleasantries, and they wished me a happy birthday.

  “I came out to my parents,” Raj exclaimed.

  “Good, so we both came out of the closet!” Rachael shrieked.

  “No more Losers in Love Club for us,” I said. “How did they react?”

  “They disowned me.”

  Rachael and I both hugged him.

  “Hey, watch it, my guy might get jealous,” he said, backing away. “It’s okay. Not every story has a perfect ending. The important thing is that we all fought for our happiness, and we won. They’ll either accept me for who I am, or they never will. Either way, it’s okay. This is me, and if I’m not me, who am I going to be?”

  I nodded, hearing the clear undertones of Ethan’s advice from that gay bar that seemed so long ago. “I’m so glad you guys could come. It’s so good to see you.”

  “We’ll see how glad you are when the weekend’s over,” Rachael said.

  “Why?”

  “We’re staying with you. I’m making Thanksgiving dinner this year. That poor husband of yours hasn’t had a real Thanksgiving bird in years.”

  I laughed. “Well, that’s true. He definitely deserves it.”

  I excused myself after a while. I searched for Ethan, but he found me first, pulling me inside an empty room. There was a couch in the corner, and he walked us to it, sitting me on his lap. “I just wanted a minute alone with my wife. Are you enjoying yourself?”

  “I love this. Thank you. I can’t believe you did this for me.”

  He kissed my neck softly. He moved the strap of my dress to plant a few on my shoulder. “Well, we had to properly redeem ourselves as hosts. Do you like this place?”

  “Yes, I can’t believe you rented it out for my birthday.”

  He smiled impishly, “I didn’t exactly
rent it.” I regarded his suspiciously. “We own it.”

  “You bought this?”

  “We bought it, Mrs. Callahan, and I thought it was a good location for, say…an art gallery? What do you think? You always thought an art gallery right here in the Village would be perfect.” I stared at him in disbelief. “Come on, Sunshine, you know you don’t like your job that much. This is what you’re meant to do, and we can afford it. My job is more than enough to support us without even touching my inheritance. I took a vow to make you happy, now let me do that. And don’t worry—when you become rich and successful, I’ll stay home and be a man of leisure.”

  I laughed. “You, a man of leisure? You can’t even stay in bed when you’re sick. Plus, making me happy was not one of your vows. If I recall, it was love, honor, and cherish.”

  “I’m not talking about those vows. It’s the vow I made to myself the day I saw you in Malkin’s class. It’s the vow that I made to your father that day at the airport. Now, come on, Meena. You know that man has an assortment of scalpels with my name on them. Don’t make me break my vows.”

  “Well, since you put it that way, I agree.”

  “Great, then, one more question.”

  “What’s that?”

  “Did you drop this pen?” he asked, pulling a pen out of his pocket. “I thought I saw you drop it.”

  I tilted my head. “No, I don’t think that’s mine.”

  “Well, it’s a good thing I found it, anyway, because you’re going to need it.”

  “Why?”

  “I want you to sign the papers too.”

  “Thank you, Ethan.” I embraced him and whispered in his ear, “Not just for this present, although it’s perfect and I love it. Not just for this party, although it’s amazing just like you. Thank you for always believing in me. Thank you for being my best friend. Thank you not just for loving me, but liking me, even when I didn’t like myself very much.”