Love Inc.

by Yvonne Collins

  Normally, I’d avoid people like Stacey, who loves running so much she’s on a cross-country team. But since she’s a Love, Inc. client with a busy training schedule, I had no choice but to lace up my Nikes after group today and join her.

  Stacey is our second official client. Lauren was so thrilled to hear she’s the inspiration for our business that she immediately referred Stacey for some pre-relationship coaching.

  Stacey has no trouble meeting guys, but something always goes wrong before she achieves girlfriend status. Her current crush, Graham, has invited her to a charity event his parents are hosting this weekend, and she wants to get things on track.

  Given my history, I’m not in a position to coach, but as Kali reminds me, our own relationships aren’t public record. As long as we act like we know what we’re talking about, we should be fine, especially with the three of us presenting a united front. Our collective history gives us good perspective. Besides, it’s easy to see what’s going on in someone else’s relationship.

  I’m surprised Syd agreed to join us, but she was the first to hit St. Joe’s ladies’ room when group ended, emerging in Lululemon gear she borrowed from her mother. With her hair pinned back, she’s transformed into the girl next door.

  ‘Pick it up, Z,’ she shouts over her shoulder. ‘A snail just passed you!’

  I wouldn’t have pegged Syd for a runner, but I guess when your hobby is vandalizing public property, you need to stay fit to outrun the authorities.

  Kali’s fitness comes as an even bigger surprise. She’s bouncing alongside Syd and Stacey without any sign of cardiac arrest. I guess the lungs of a singer outperform the lungs of a baker, which are probably clogged with flour.

  Finally, I collapse on a park bench. I’ll be no use to Love, Inc. if I’m dead.

  Stacey, Kali, Syd, and Banksy travel another twenty yards before they realise the wheezing behind them has ceased. They turn back and Kali claps three times in front of my flushed face. ‘Up and at it,’ she says. ‘In life, we must always move forward.’ It’s a quote from Dieter. ‘That’s what we’ve been telling Stacey here, who’s on the verge of chickening out of her date with Graham.’

  ‘What?’ I puff. ‘Why? This is the opportunity you’ve been waiting for.’

  Stacey perches on the bench beside me. Her pretty face is barely flushed. ‘What’s the point, when I’m only going to get crushed again?’ she says.

  Kali gradually draws out the details, and the problem soon becomes clear. Stacey has an extreme case of the Cookie Curse. She goes out of her way to plan her life around her guy’s schedule. She sends chocolate on special occasions, and soup when he’s sick. Since she has a car, she provides chauffeur services on every errand and date. In fact, she plans every date, just to make it easier on the guy, and picks up the tab, since she has a big allowance.

  Syd sums up the situation: ‘You might as well cut off a guy’s jack-in-the-box and be done with it.’

  ‘What are you talking about?’ Stacey says. ‘I treat guys like gold.’

  Now that my lungs are working, I can translate. ‘Guys need to feel like they’re competing for a prize, Stacey. It sounds like you’re doing most of the work.’

  I know this because I did this. With Eric, I’d drop everything in a second to be available for him. Syd probably never made it easy for Eric, and she’s the prize he wanted.

  ‘So you’re saying I should become a bitch?’ Stacey asks.

  Kali hoists a leg onto the bench and stretches, inserting her face between mine and Stacey’s. ‘Just tone things down. Right now you’re scaring guys off.’

  ‘Scaring them off?’ Stacey repeats.

  ‘Guys need breathing room,’ I say.

  ‘Not too much, though,’ Syd adds, with a hint of alarm in her voice.

  ‘There’s nothing wrong with doing something nice for a guy once you’re established,’ Kali says. ‘But doing too much in those critical early weeks throws off the natural order.’

  Syd tries a different approach. ‘You mentioned having a poodle, Stace. Is she well-trained?’

  ‘Uh, not exactly,’ Stacey says. ‘Lulu’s sort of spoilt and bratty.’

  Syd nods. ‘And I bet she gets lots of treats without doing any work for them?’

  ‘Well, she’s so cute, I can’t help it,’ Stacey says. Then the lightbulb goes off. ‘Oh, I get it. You’re saying guys are dogs?’

  Kali laughs. ‘Well, that’s a different conversation.’

  ‘We’re saying training techniques apply to anyone,’ Syd says. ‘Rewards have more value when they’re earned by good behavior. And consistency is critical: if you give them an inch, they take a mile.’

  Or two more girlfriends. Syd has put a lot of work into Banksy’s training, but she probably thinks she let Eric’s slide.

  Stacey mulls this over before summing up the lesson. ‘I spoil guys and they get lazy, like Lulu. And they don’t stick around because the rewards have no value.’

  ‘You need to be the alpha dog,’ Syd says.

  ‘If you follow the plan we lay out for you,’ Kali says, ‘Graham won’t just stick around, he’ll be begging you for a treat.’

  Over the next hour we run through scenarios Stacey could face in the weeks ahead, and put her on a strict diet with regards to phone calls, texts, and Facebook pokes. It’s tough going because everything we suggest defies Stacey’s normal programming. For every argument there’s a counterargument. I understand her resistance. Some people – me, for example – aren’t born to be alpha dogs. But if you don’t take control, you end up at the back of the pack.

  Finally, the three of us wear her down, and by the time she runs off into the distance, she’s actually excited about her new, more restrained plan of attack.

  Kali bounces on her toes. ‘I’m totally energized. You guys up for another quarter mile?’

  I raise a hand to summon her closer, and when her face is level with mine, I retract my index finger and slowly raise the middle one.

  Syd laughs. ‘Dieter would admire your honesty.’

  We walk the rest of the gravel path that skirts Town Lake, and Syd fills us in on her investigations for Sinead, the photographer from the Maternity Ward. ‘The guy’s definitely cheating.’

  ‘I thought you’d sound happier,’ I say. ‘It’s a slam waiting to happen.’

  She sighs. ‘When I tracked Sinead down in one of the old darkrooms to debrief her, I found her making out with someone – and it wasn’t her boyfriend.’

  ‘Double duplicity,’ I say, shaking my head. ‘I hope this job doesn’t make me even more cynical about relationships. Why can’t people just be honest with each other?’

  ‘Because it’s harder to tell the truth than it is to live a lie,’ Syd says.

  ‘Does this mean we forfeit the jeans?’ Kali asks.

  ‘Nope,’ Syd says. ‘Sinead agrees the relationship is over, but she doesn’t want things to be awkward. So I convinced her to let Zahra broker their split.’

  ‘Syd! I want to help people stay together, not break up.’ I’m quite sure that helping people break up is not going to bring me the adrenaline buzz I crave. ‘I want feel-good clients.’

  ‘They’ll feel good eventually, Z,’ Syd says. ‘Right now, Sinead and Leo are prolonging the pain. They know the relationship’s over, but they don’t know how to get out of it without making it ugly. You just need to mediate the split.’

  ‘Mom and Greg had a mediator, and their breakup was pretty civilized,’ Kali says. She pulls binoculars out of her waist pack as we approach the Texas Rowing Center, and directs them at the water. Then she passes them to me so I can check out four guys rowing in unison.

  ‘The one in front looks familiar,’ I say. ‘Isn’t he the barista from Bennu’s?’ I lower the binoculars. ‘I thought you had your heart set on Paolo, the wallpaper guy.’

  ‘That was before Syd told me he plays trombone in a marching band,’ Kali says. ‘Obviously I can’t go out with someone who wears a h
at with a chin strap and a big feather.’

  ‘Obviously not,’ Syd says, holding out her hand. ‘With a steep company discount, your bill comes to ten bucks.’

  ‘What are you talking about?’ Kali asks, laughing.

  ‘Z and I get paid to stake guys out now.’

  Kali pours lemonade into three glasses and sets a bowl of water on the floor of the trailer for Banksy. We’re here to develop some Love, Inc. ‘commandments,’ but as usual, my partners have been sidetracked by an argument.

  ‘I can’t believe you actually made me cough up the cash,’ Kali says.

  ‘That was two days ago,’ Syd says. ‘Two weeks in dog years. Get over it already. Anyway, it won’t happen again because there’s a rule in place. Zahra?’

  I look at my laptop and read: ‘“Thou shalt not use the corporation for personal gain.”’

  ‘Especially when it’s all for nothing,’ Syd says. ‘We waited an hour for your Bennu boy to come ashore, and then you barely spoke to him.’

  ‘I couldn’t focus after I saw that ridiculous tattoo,’ Kali says. ‘SpongeBob SquarePants in permanent ink? I don’t think so.’

  ‘He was funny,’ I say. ‘You were howling at that story about the customer who wanted to know if the cranberry muffins came without cranberries.’

  ‘No one’s perfect,’ Syd says.

  ‘I need perfect at the beginning,’ Kali says. ‘Otherwise, what’s the point? It’s all going to end in heartache eventually.’

  ‘You know you’ve got issues, right?’ Syd says.

  ‘We’ve all got issues,’ Kali says. ‘Or Love, Inc. wouldn’t need to offer so many services.’ Kali cranks the Notts County song that’s playing on her iPod docking station and lets loose on the air guitar. ‘I’m telling you guys, Owen Gaines is going to be huge.’

  ‘More issues,’ Syd says. ‘You’re obsessed with a singer you can’t have instead of looking at the guys you could have. And from what I can see, you have lots of options.’

  ‘I thought you wanted to leave issues for group,’ Kali says. ‘Today’s meeting is about Love, Inc.’

  We just finished setting up our pricing structure:

  Surveillance: twenty bucks an hour

  Mediation: seventy-five per two-hour session

  Breakup Management: seventy-five per two-hour session

  Matchmaking: thirty bucks a match

  Relationship Coaching : fifty bucks per two-hour session

  All prices are negotiable, based on client circumstances, and we’re

  willing to accept payment in-kind.

  Revenge is in a category unto itself. We’ve agreed to keep the service on the down-low. No advertising, special request only, and priced on a case-by-case basis.

  ‘All jobs will be acquired through word of mouth,’ Kali says, adding another commandment. ‘We need a solid reference to take on a case.’

  ‘And we’ll meet at least once a week to discuss business,’ Syd says.

  I add these to our growing list of rules. ‘We’ll have to be flexible on the time, though. I do two shifts a week at the Recipe Box.’

  ‘If Love, Inc. takes off, you’ll be able to quit,’ Kali says.

  Maybe, but I wouldn’t. René’s more like an uncle than a boss to me, and when the cold front blew in at home, that little store was my haven. I like to be surrounded by cookbooks and foodies. It’s soothing.

  A loud thump on the side of the trailer makes us all jump.

  Kali peeks through the curtains. ‘It’s Brody, and he’s got some guy with him.’ There’s another thump, and I join her at the window. The guys are dribbling a basketball in the driveway. Kali flings open the door and flinches as a ball whizzes past and bounces off the side of the trailer again.

  Brody glares at Syd and me as we come down the steps, then turns to his sister. ‘What are you doing in Kevin’s trailer?’

  ‘What are you doing home so early?’ Kali asks.

  ‘Where’d you find the key?’

  ‘Why do you care?’

  The other guy jumps in to break the string of unanswered questions. ‘The other team didn’t show and the game was postponed. I’m Luke, by the way. Sorry about the noise.’

  Kali introduces us, but when Luke steps forward to shake our hands, Brody intercepts. ‘Don’t get too close. They bite.’

  Luke, a tall guy with gray eyes and a shock of dark hair, grins. ‘That’s bad because …?’

  ‘They’re poisonous,’ Brody says. ‘Meet the girls who ruined Eric Skinner’s life.’

  ‘Exaggerate much?’ I ask.

  ‘It’s not an exaggeration,’ Brody says. ‘A guy’s car – if he’s lucky enough to have one – is his life. Ruin his car, you ruin his life.’

  ‘You trashed Miss Daisy?’ Luke asks. ‘Why?’

  ‘Brody’s mistaken,’ Kali says, giving him a warning look.

  ‘Skinner was three-timing them,’ Brody says. ‘They were highly motivated.’

  Kali continues to stare at her brother. ‘You’re giving Luke the wrong idea.’

  Brody fires the ball a few feet to the left of his sister and catches it as it rebounds, before he relents. ‘Fine. It wasn’t you. But you were pretty happy about it.’

  ‘Happy isn’t a crime,’ Kali says.

  Brody shoots the ball, which bounces off the wall of the trailer again. Inside, Banksy barks. ‘In this case, happy equals bitter, and bitterness is a guy repellant.’

  ‘I’m not feeling repelled,’ Luke says, smiling at us.

  Kali smiles. ‘Thank you, Luke. Too bad my brother doesn’t have your class.’

  Brody’s phone rings and he steps away. ‘Hey, Asta. No, you’re not interrupting anything. It’s good to hear a voice of sanity right now.’

  Syd and I return to the trailer and try to work out more commandments, but soon the basketball is hitting the trailer again, repeatedly and deliberately. We give up and go back outside.

  Kali is still talking to Luke. ‘Our matchmaking service is just what you need.’

  ‘Matchmaking service?’ Brody says, indignant all over again. He glares at me. ‘Is that why you two are always over here? Planting stupid ideas in my sister’s head.’

  ‘Give me some credit,’ Kali says. ‘It was my idea. We’re calling it Love, Inc.’

  Brody snorts. ‘I wonder what Mom will think about this business?’

  ‘Ask her,’ Kali says. ‘Then we’ll find out what she thinks about the party you had while she was away in August – the one where sixty kids turned up and you had to repaint the kitchen wall because of the blueberry daiquiri incident.’

  ‘Is it true you had to bribe a neighbor not to call the cops?’ Luke asks.

  Kali points to a shabby bungalow across the street. ‘Brody has to mow Mr Ludlow’s lawn for a year. Mom thinks it’s sweet. When she hears the truth she’ll be so disappointed that she might even withdraw your car privileges. And a car is a guy’s life, right?’

  Brody stares her down, and they come to a silent sibling understanding.

  ‘I’m glad we sorted that out,’ Kali says. ‘And for the record, our business is about enhancing lives. We want to bring people together in happiness until a relationship runs its course, then help them find closure. It’s a noble goal.’

  ‘Remember to write that down, Z,’ Syd says. ‘Sounds like a mission statement.’

  Brody takes a long swig from his soda before saying, ‘If you want to take money from losers and give them false hope, what do I care?’

  Kali turns to Luke and says, ‘He didn’t mean to call you a loser.’

  ‘Tell me you’re not getting involved,’ Brody pleads.

  Shrugging, Luke says, ‘Kali said she could find someone for me to take to the City Limits Music Festival next weekend.’

  ‘You don’t need help,’ Brody says. ‘Girls love you, and you’re offering up a free ticket to the coolest concert in town.’

  ‘Yeah, but you know what it’s like on a first date: you spend half the
night trying to figure out if you’ve got anything in common, and if you don’t, you spend the other half wishing you’d stayed home. Kali could do the weeding out for me.’

  ‘I wouldn’t trust my sister with your gardening,’ Brody says.

  ‘I can’t really afford to hire you anyway,’ Luke says. ‘I blew most of my cash on those tickets.’

  ‘Dodge the bullet while you can,’ Brody says, tossing the ball deep into the backyard. ‘Come on. I’ve got time to grab a pizza before my shift at the store.’

  ‘Hey, Luke,’ Kali calls, as her brother drags him away. ‘We’ll do the job for free!’

  Luke gives her two thumbs up. ‘You’re on.’

  ‘Since when did we agree to freebies?’ Syd asks, stooping to kiss Banksy’s head as we climb back into the trailer.

  ‘We need a commandment about that,’ I say. ‘Plus, I think we need to be a little more careful with how much we talk about the business.’

  ‘Agreed,’ Syd says. ‘We need clearance levels for information. And we should all have to be on board before we take on a case.’

  ‘You’re right, but I’m pleading brother immunity,’ Kali says. ‘I need to prove to Brody that I can do this.’

  Syd flops onto the bench and stares at her. ‘This has more to do with Luke than Brody. The guy was cute.’

  ‘He was?’ Kali asks innocently. ‘I make a point of not noticing whether Brody’s friends are cute. Anyone who’d want to hang out with my brother couldn’t be perfect for me.’

  ‘Commandment number five,’ Syd says. ‘Thou shalt not covet a Love, Inc. client. Seriously, Kali, it’s bad news.’

  ‘Why are you assuming I’ll be the one to break that rule?’

  ‘Because Z and I don’t covet everyone with a Y chromosome.’

  ‘Commandment number six,’ Kali says. ‘Thou shalt not be a bitch twenty-four–seven.’

  Chapter Eleven