by Dana Arden
“I didn’t even come up with this shit, so why am I getting the blame.”
“Because you’ve done it once and Rudy didn’t take a belt to your ass, so it’s safe to say that he won’t get mad if it’s you. As for me, he’d probably redden my ass in front of the club.”
“Ah, self-preservation. Thanks a lot.” I groan.
We spend the next three hours bedazzling, laughing, wrapping, laughing, and then taking shots of Dani’s hidden bottle of Beam. Yep, we didn’t think that through because I end up calling Trigger to have him come pick us up.
Before he arrives, we made sure that all the presents were in the back of my truck and covered with a sheet. When he pulls up on his motorcycle, we are all waiting for him in the Tahoe. Nobody ever claimed we were smart sitting in a truck with it running waiting, instead of just staying in the house. Liquor made us do it.
He wordlessly climbs into the driver’s seat and glances at each of us. Shaking his head, he puts the Tahoe in drive and us girls sing, hoot and wiggle our asses in our seats until he puts it in park in front of our house.
We pile out of the truck talking about how hungry we are and that we need some more alcohol, but as we pass the men that have gathered outside to watch us make our entrance, I realize they aren’t very happy we decided to take a detour and get drunk at Dani’s. Sorry boys, I passed the age of needing a babysitter years ago.
We giggle as we bypass all of them and strut to the kitchen where Greer raids my cabinets. I pull my phone out of my back pocket and call the pizza place.
“How many pizzas should I order?” I whisper to Queenie.
She leans her upper body out of the kitchen entryway and takes inventory. “Probably ten or twelve. Twelve. Go with twelve. If you have extra y’all can eat it for breakfast.”
I nod like her explanation is reasonable, but really my brain is so mottled by the alcohol I think I’d agree doing a Chinese fire drill around the house naked at this point. “They want to know what kind.” I whisper again and before I can get an answer, Trigger takes the phone from my hand.
“I got this.” He says as he walks out of the kitchen and I watch his firm ass as he leaves.
I point at his departing back to the girls. “He’s got it.” I slur and then proceed to fall into a fit of giggles that ricochets around the kitchen.
***
A few hours later, multiple margaritas consumed and ten empty pizza boxes, us girls are lounging on the couches in the living room with the tree as the only light available.
“Did you ever think the day would come when you got into my brother’s pants?” Greer mumbles drunkenly.
“Hmmm, nope. I figured I be flicking my bean to him for the rest of my life.”
Dani busts out laughing. “Jesus, Razz. Flicking the bean.” She repeats as if she’s trying it out to see if she can add it to her vocabulary. “It’s doable.” She nods and says to herself. “If you’d have told me ten years ago my best friend was a psychotic ho-bag, I’d never have believed it, but seeing her in full on bitch-mode, I have to wonder how I missed it.”
“I think I liked the flicking the bean conversation better.” Lily huffs. “What about diddling the doodle?”
“We don’t have doodles.” I say nonchalantly. “We’ve got girl-boners, a clam-hat, pussy pearl, cunt knuckle, lady notch…” A calloused hand covers my mouth and I look into the amused blue eyes of my husband.
“Razz, I’d ask what y’all are talking about but after cunt knuckle I think I’ve figured it out.” He removes his hand and places a chaste kiss on my lips.
“I’m just educating Lily on the slang. What do you call your dick?”
Trigger chokes on his beer as Ryker, Chase and Spook go to their respective wives and start naming off slang for their dicks.
“Twat rod.”
“Purple-headed womb ferret.”
“Beaver basher.”
“Single-barreled pump action protein rifle.” The last one comes straight from Trigger and I give him a confused look.
“That’s more than a mouth full.”
“That’s what she said.” He chuckles.
“Well next time I want my lady notch rubbed and my biscuit filled with butter, I’ll give your single-barreled pump action protein rifle a shot.” I say with as much seriousness as I can muster.
“He’s always fully loaded for you, Razz.”
Greer starts gagging. “Jesus, Razz. Your filter went out the window with those margaritas.”
I shoot up to sitting. “At least I have a filter, twat muncher.”
“I don’t munch twat. I lick the stick. Get your facts straight.”
“Mmmhmmm.” I hum. “Keep telling yourself that. If Spook had a cookie instead of a banana, you’d be munching the shit out of it.” The look of revulsion on Greer’s face is enough to have me bending over holding my stomach dying laughing at her ass.
She tries to stand, but staggers instead and Spook ends up tugging her to sit in his lap. “Well, I know you like the clam bake because Trigger’s twat rod is itty bitty.” She presses her hand to her lips and starts smashing as she rotates her head to either side. I think she’s trying to impersonate eating pussy but I can’t verify it yet.
“Greer, it’s your hand you’re trying to eat. I’m sorry I didn’t get any clam chowder for your visit today. I’ll make a special stop at the grocery store for you tomorrow.”
She huffs outraged. “Razz…” She doesn’t get to finish as Spook picks her up and starts hauling her to the door with Chase and Ryker doing the same to an out of breath and red-faced Dani and Lily.
“Time to go, Princess.” Spook announces.
“This isn’t over, Razz.” Greer screams from the door.
“I’m counting on it, Princess Cunnalingus.”
“Jesus, Razz. Your ass is feisty when you get to drinking.” Trigger mutters.
“Shut it.” I hush him with a kiss.
He pulls away and stands lifting me in his arms and carrying me up the stairs. “I’ll give you something to shut your mouth with.” He growls.
“Prove it.” I say snidely.
And he does. He fucks my face until my eyes water, my lips swell and I choke on his cum.
Chapter 23
Trigger
I knew Razz was going to be slow moving this morning, so I left her a couple of ibuprofen and a bottle of water on the nightstand. The kids and I went out to take care of the horses and let them roam in the pasture. By the time we were finished, a sluggish Razz was sitting at the kitchen table nursing a cup of coffee.
“How ya feeling?” I say quietly as I reach her. I massage her shoulders as she moans.
“I’ve had better days, but it’s all your sister’s fault. Fucking tequila.” She mumbles under her breath.
“I’m sure the Beam at Dani’s didn’t help either. What were y’all doing there in the first place? I thought it was shopping and then coming home.”
“Detour.”
“Detour.” I repeat and she nods. “What time do we have to be at the Clubhouse so you can help the girls?”
She squints at the clock on the stove. “Ugh, in about thirty minutes.” She sighs. “Do you think it’s okay if I go in my yoga pants?”
“Razz, I don’t care what you wear as long as you’re with me.”
She scoots the chair back and rises. “I’m going to take a shower. Can you get the kids situated?” I nod. “Thanks.” She plants a kiss on my cheek and takes her leave for the shower.
Her head is so clouded from her hangover she doesn’t realize the kids are sitting on the couch dressed with their shoes and coats on waiting for her. God, I hope that shower clears her head. Zombie Razz won’t work today. Between kids, cooking and the gift exchange, grumpy Razz will probably scare the whole kiddy crew. Shit, Emerson and Xander are watching her wearily as she strolls down the stairs in not her yoga pants but skintight jeans and a cream colored off-the-shoulder sweater with her knee-high brown leather boots.
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br /> “Sorry y’all.” She says to the kids. “I feel much better now. Let’s get going so y’all can play with the other kids before we eat and open presents.” She says excitedly.
They scramble off the couch and out the door as I throw my shoulder over Razz’s. “Glad to have you back.” She slaps my chest. “It would’ve been a shame to have my sister kick your ass into a better mood.”
“I’d like to see her try.” She snorts. “Come on. I’m hungry.”
***
Getting out of the Tahoe, Razz skirts around to the trunk and pulls present after present out. I have no clue where the hell they came from, but I’m not interrupting her grumpy ass. Dani and Greer make a beeline to Razz and start carrying the presents into the Clubhouse.
“Xander,” Razz calls, “Can you take these two gifts for Lyla?” He gives her a quiet yes and takes the gifts without another word.
I wrap her up in my arms and kiss her temple. “Thank you for getting something for Lyla. I didn’t even think about them being here today.”
“No worries. I don’t have anything against Lyla. She’s just as much a victim as the rest of us.”
“Yeah she is and I can only hope that Sadie doesn’t act like a twat muncher today.” She shakes her head at me. “You liked that didn’t ya. I added some of your vocabulary into my sentence today.”
“You’re hopeless.” She tries to swat at me, but I make a quick getaway to the Clubhouse.
The Clubhouse doesn’t have it’s usually array of smells. Instead of booze, man-sweat and cigarettes, it’s replaced with the scent of turkey cooking, sweet potato casserole and other foods as an undertoe. I place the presents I was allowed to carry under the fake tree my mother puts up every year and spot Sadie sitting in a chair in the corner with an ugly expression on her face until she notices me. Her face lights up and mine dims.
“Trigger!” She howls. “You came to see me.”
I shake my head in the negative. “Nope, came with my family to celebrate the holiday. Nothing about my visit is about you, Sadie.” As I turn to make my escape, a little body rams into my legs. Looking down, I see Lyla’s blonde head. I lift her to my hip. “Hey you! I’ve missed you. How have you been?”
She smiles at me and her eyes light up. “I missed you too. I’ve been at my Grandpappy’s.” I stroll into the kitchen with her as she continues to tell me all about the adventures they’ve been on. I’m glad that she’s taken care of in Louisiana.
“That’s awesome, munchkin.” I set her down. “Did you get to meet Xander and Emerson?”
She jumps up and down. “Yes. I like Emerson’s shoes.”
Of course she does. Emerson’s shoes look like a unicorn shit glitter. “She does have some cool shoes.” I look around the kitchen and spot my dad and an older man at the table. I motion to him. “Is that your Grandpappy?”
“Yes.”
“Why don’t you go play with the kids for a little bit before we eat?” She takes off skipping through the room. I walk over to the men and give chin lifts to my brothers. Mr. Breaux notes my presence with a thin smile. I jet out my hand for him. “Mr. Breaux, I’m Trigger. It’s nice to meet you.”
He accepts my hand in a firm shake. “It’s nice to meet you too, son. Lyla talks about you often.”
“I’m glad she has you to take care of her.”
“I don’t know how lucky she is as I’m an old man and have no business raising another child at my age, but I wouldn’t have it any other way.”
“She’s easy compared to the rest of the heathens around here.”
He chuckles. “I see they can get a little rowdy, but that’s the whole point of being a kid, enjoying life until you get older and have to take responsibility for yourselves in the real world.”
“Very true.”
The conversation turns to motorcycles, muscle cars and the New Year. Before I realize it, the women are placing the food on the buffet table and my mom’s calling everyone to eat. Benny escorts Sadie to her place at the end of the table furthest away from Razz and me. I watch as Albin takes a seat next to her, but she does everything in her power to ignore him and Lyla. Her focus is steadily on Razz, but Razz glares right back with a smirk on her face.
Tis the season for spoiled bitches to get knocked down a few pegs.
Chapter 24
Queenie
I kept my mouth shut through dinner, which wasn’t an easy feat. I listened to Sadie hem-and-haw about how she wasn’t free to do as she wanted. What I didn’t hear her say anything about was her daughter. She barely looked at Lyla. The look of love in that little girl’s eyes for her mother only to have her turn her head quickly and ignore her almost made me want to come across the table and backhand her.
The Sadie I knew may not have been too attentive to Lyla, but she, at least, acknowledged her. This Sadie is looking for any avenue she can take to get out of the Clubhouse and out from under the Chaotic’s. The Sadie I knew would’ve offered to help with the preparations for the day. This Sadie chooses to sit in a corner and pout.
Enough of this.
Today’s Christmas Eve and I have my family all in one room. I am blessed beyond belief to have so many people to love and love me back.
We’ve migrated to the main room where the Christmas exchange is taking place. The kids have opened their gifts and I’m grateful that Dani and Razz remembered that Lyla was going to be here and got her presents.
Now, it’s the men’s turn to open their gifts from each other and the gift’s from us women that I’m pretty sure they won’t appreciate, but I damn sure will.
The men drew names, so their gift exchange doesn’t take too long, especially when they just give each other fifths of liquor, knives and shit for their bikes. So the anticipated gift exchange is about to take place.
Greer picks up all the discarded wrapping paper and trash as Razz goes to the tree and starts going through the presents.
She stacks three boxes up at a time and carries them to where the men are congregated in a circle. She passes one to Rudy, Marc and Spook.
She addresses them. “These are from the women to y’all.” That little twat. She was supposed to take credit for the whole thing. I should’ve known she’d rat us out. I’m not mad just glad to see she isn’t the push over she once was. Yes, damnit, I tested her and she passed.
Rudy unwraps the present and takes the lid off the box tossing the tissue paper aside. He holds up the jeans and lifts a brow. “Razz.” He breathes. “I’d really hoped we’d reached a truce when it came to the jewelling shit.” She shrugs. He turns them over to look at the front and drops them. “What the fuck? I’m your father-in-law and you give me jeans with an eggplant jeweled on the crouch and ‘I like to take it up the ass’ on the back.” The brothers chuckle around him.
“Um, you can blame me all you want, but just remember I wasn’t alone yesterday when all of this was going down.” She tells him sarcastically.
“Queenie, I’m going to lite your ass up later and you’re going to be the one taking it up the ass.”
“Bring it, old man.” I huff.
Marc opens his slowly keeping his eyes on Razz. Pulling his jeans out that are covered in what looks like a hippie from the seventy’s got overly excited with flowers and rainbows. On the back one pocket says ‘flower’ and the other says ‘power.’ He cuts his eyes at Razz. “Explain.” She looks behind her to Dani who clears her throat.
“Well,” Dani stammers. “You told me that your momma was a hippie, so I figured I’d give you some jeans to remember her by.” She finishes sweetly. Marc just shakes his head.
Razz moves to Spook who has a death grip on the box and a stern look on his face, but Razz doesn’t back down.
“Nut up and open the box, Spook.” Razz huffs. He continues to glare. “Fine.” She snatches the box from him and unwraps it holding up the jeans to his face.
The view of the back looks like the ass of the jeans exploded a rainbow with the multicolored jewels
that streak from the center of the ass and down to the back of the knee. He turns them around with his face bright red. Over the crotch in pink and purple, it says ‘Property of Greer’ with miniature floggers up and down the legs.
Spook is fuming. “Am I supposed to say thank you for this shit.” He grits out. “Because what I’d like to do is start a bonfire and light these bitches up.”
“I second that.” Rudy grunts.
“That’s very shitty of you Spook.” Razz chides. “Your wife worked really hard on those jeans for you.” She shakes her head like a reprimanding mother. “Don’t you know by now that it isn’t about what you get but the fact that you got something at all.” Her head swings in Greer’s direction. “We should’ve just done the dog shit in a brown bag present for him. Ungrateful sons of bitches.” She mumbles.
“I second that.” Greer mimics her father.
She makes the trip back and returns a few seconds later handing Trigger, Ryker and Chase their gifts.
Trigger not one to be let down by a prank rips through the wrapping paper and tosses the top of the box across the room like an overzealous child. Tissue paper is flying and his jeans are whipped out. He has a huge grin on his face. The back of his jeans are decorated in green and teal with ‘Razz owns this ass.’ He rotates it around and chuckles. The crotch of his jeans says ‘Razz’s itty bitty.’ If you haven’t put two and two together, Greer did her brother’s jeans. Trigger stands so fast that he almost knocks Razz on her ass as he rushes down the hall. What the fuck is that boy up to now?
Ryker is next and not one to be put off by pranks since he’s had to deal with Trigger too long. His jeans have ‘poopy’ on one pocket and ‘pancake’ on the other. He guffaws at the front and then turns them around for his brothers to see. His crotch is a blue jeweled elephant head with its trunk sprawling down his thigh. Jesus, Dani. I shake my head.
Chase sits there lost staring at his wife. She won’t even make eye contact with him.
