The Taste of Air

by Gail Cleare

  The overdeveloped world surrounding her buzzed constantly, day and night, with the faint sound of engines grinding, tires rolling, and sirens screaming. She hid her head under the pillow and covered her ears with her hands, but it was always there in the background.

  Sometimes she snuck into the bathroom in the middle of the night to try and write poetry, but instead, she just wept. She didn’t know why. It came over her like a pang of hunger or the urge to cough. Tears poured down her face, and she looked at herself in the mirror, wondering who that miserable woman was.

  Nell didn’t think David noticed her unhappiness. He was always so wrapped up in his work, his exercise regime, and in getting his dry-cleaning back promptly. She cooked him dinner every night and caressed his body where he liked to be touched, never saying a word about her true feelings.

  Meanwhile, another life was in her thoughts. It hovered before her eyes when David told her about his day at work. Nothing had been the same since she’d returned from Vermont, nor would it ever be again.

  She deeply regretted her anger toward Mom for wanting to leave her family and run away, because now Nell imagined doing the exact same thing.

  Oh, Mom, I finally get it. Wherever you are now, please forgive me.

  “I understand so much more now.” Nell stood alone on the patio in New Jersey, talking to Bridget on the phone.

  “Me too. I’m sorry I didn’t have a chance to tell her. Living here in her house is so peaceful. Sometimes I feel like she’s here with me.”

  “Don’t you worry about your business or Eric?”

  “My staff will handle it. Eric has made some kind of a deal with my lawyers to keep the house. He’s buying me out as part of the divorce agreement.”

  “Did he call you? How do you know?” Nell shivered at the thought of him. He had always seemed like someone who might snap at any moment. And she’d never liked the way he looked at her rear end, either.

  “My lawyer told me. Haven’t heard from Eric and hope I never will.” Bridget seemed unconcerned and changed the subject to the ongoing search for her daughter, which seemed to be her favorite topic at the moment—that and her deepening friendship with Jake Bascomb, a development Nell had seen coming from a mile away.

  “It’s such a relief to be around a real man. He’s strong and kind and he treats me with respect. We’re building a solid friendship. He’s teaching me to sail. I’m having fun, and we’re not even having sex.” Bridget sounded happy.

  “I’m glad for you, sweetie. You deserve it.”

  “I even like being a country girl. By the way, where do you order those warm silk long johns? I found a pair of cross-country skis in the basement.”

  Nell gathered from her sister’s other shopping questions that she had transformed herself once again, this time from Donna Karan-Jimmy Choo-sexy-sophisticated into LL Bean-UGG boots-happy-relaxed.

  On the long Columbus Day weekend in early October, David surprised everyone by agreeing to go camping with Ben, his buddies, and their fathers. Lauren was invited to spend the weekend with a friend. Nell decided it was a good chance to help Bridget clean out the cottage, so she got into her car alone to head north.

  Crossing the Hudson River at New York City and cruising up I-91, Nell followed the signs to Vermont. The brilliant-orange hills of the Pioneer Valley became tall mountains with long stretches of farmland between the tidy homesteads. Hay was baled in giant yellow wheels that sat in the fields waiting to be collected and stored for the winter. Vegetable gardens featured scarecrows, pumpkins, and withered vines while ragged cornstalks stood like lonely sentries in the wasted rows.

  The forest in northern New England was a rampage of reds. The mountains were dappled where stands of dark blue-green conifers were woven in amongst the bright oaks and maples. A riot of color and life decorated every view, a last hurrah before winter stripped the deciduous branches bare. The air had ripened to a translucent dusty rose, coating the landscape and its inhabitants and warming them with a flash of Indian summer. They’d hold the memory of that final burst of heat and color until the midwinter solstice, when the Yule log burned all night long and the light began to return.

  Leaf-peeper traffic clogged the highway. Couples in the cars and at the rest stops pointed their cameras at the fall views and at each other. They were old and young, gay and straight, happy and not so happy. Some of them were arguing, some kissing. Jealous of them all, she realized it was because even the ones fighting weren’t faking it.

  The way she was.

  Nell drove as fast as she dared. With every passing mile, her heart grew lighter. As she approached the Hartland town green that afternoon, signs proclaimed that citizens were celebrating their Fall Festival. Green-and-white striped tents with banners streaming in the breeze already dotted the periphery surrounding a grassy area kept clear for activities. A Farmers’ Market was in full swing in the parking lot by the library.

  Nell turned onto the road that led past J. Bascomb Antiques, but she frowned to see the barn doors were closed. She passed Jake’s farmhouse and saw his old blue truck parked near the shed. It looked as though it had recently been washed. The front of the house had been painted, the lawn had been mowed, and the flowerbeds were filled with neatly trimmed shrubs and colorful mums. Either the man had totally transformed within a few months or Bridget had helped him tidy up the yard.

  She turned right onto Lakeshore, where water gleamed through the trees like liquid fire. She pulled up to the cottage. Seeing Mom’s white Ford through the open garage door, she parked behind it in the driveway. For the first time in months, she felt as if she had come home.

  Nell got her suitcase out of the car and slammed the door shut. Excited barking filled the air as Winston and Lulubelle erupted from the front door. They were followed by Bridget with a smile on her face. Winston jumped up in a yipping frenzy when he recognized Nell, who took him into her arms. He covered her face with kisses.

  “Welcome back.” Bridget put her arms around them both.

  “Thank God,” Nell said wearily.

  Rolling her sister’s suitcase up the walkway, Bridget led Nell inside.

  A little while later, they sat on the glider in Mom’s garden, drinking wine before dinner. Bridget had been at work in the flower beds, and the fall colors were rich and mellow. A few russet leaves drifted down from the woods behind the vine-covered arbor, its withered foliage studded with ruby rose hips. Blackbirds and grackles grumbled over the seed heads on the sunflowers, their squawks and clucks like the voices of bickering old women.

  “So tell me.” Bridget made the swing sway. “What happened?”

  “Nothing happened. Little stupid things that didn’t bother me before are incredibly annoying now. It’s so bizarre. Everything’s the same, but everything is different.”

  “What are you going to do?” Bridget took Nell’s hand in hers and laced their fingers together.

  “I don’t know. He treats me… like a servant. Maybe it’s part of being a stay-at-home mother. Everyone gets so used to you being there they don’t even see you anymore. I need something of my own. It’s how Mom must have felt.”

  “Are you going to file for divorce?”

  “No way. I still love David. I just don’t love… me, the way I am with him right now.” Nell was verbalizing it for the first time. “Anyhow, if I asked David for a divorce, I’d never see my kids again.” It was a strange role reversal for Nell to be talking to her sister about ending a marriage, even hypothetically. She was usually the counselor, and Bridget was the one in trouble.

  “Oh. Yes. I remember now. His college roommate is a divorce attorney in New York, right?”

  “David’s buddy would hire a fleet of detectives, who would immediately find out everything I ever did wrong or even thought about, and I’d never have a chance. I can see it now. Atte
mpted concealing of assets, psychic infidelity, faking orgasms, sneaking off to write inflammatory poetry in the middle of the night… I’ll be the unfit mother who is always late to pick up her kids after school. People will sniff my breath to see if I’ve been drinking in the daytime.” Bridget laughed at all this, but Nell moaned. “Anyhow, I don’t want to get divorced. It’s not about that. I just can’t seem to get it together like I used to. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

  “So what will you do?”

  “I wish I could stay up here and have them all come to visit when the kids aren’t in school. But that’s a dream, I know.” Nell pulled her hand away and rubbed her arms, hunching her shoulders into a defensive pose. “He’d have to want me to leave. And feel guilty about it. Then I’d have the upper hand.”

  “Never. Not David Williams, all-American apple-pie boy. He’d croak first.” Bridget giggled.

  “Stop teasing,” Nell said. “You have to help me. Let’s brainstorm. All suggestions considered, no matter how wild. Maybe we’ll come up with something I can use.” Nell drained her glass and set it on the little table. She tucked one leg under her and sat at attention, turned toward Bridget.

  “Okay, so, you want him to get bored with you or suddenly become irritated by your personal habits or something like that, right?”

  “Exactly. I need to drive him crazy. Then he won’t want me around all the time.” Nell looked at her sister expectantly, hoping for a brilliant idea. If anyone knew how to manipulate a man, Bridget did.

  Bridget sipped her wine and rocked thoughtfully. “But not so badly that he refuses to give you any money or challenges your authority. Hmmm. The obvious thing is to withhold sex. Have you tried that?” She grinned and poked Nell in the ribs.

  “It just makes us both grouchy, and he thinks I’m mad at him, so he hassles me even worse to find out what’s wrong.”

  They swung in silence for a few minutes.

  “Born again?” Bridget said.

  “Too Southern. I couldn’t pull it off.”

  “New-Age Wiccan health-food freak?”

  “Possibly. It might work. Especially if I turn vegan. The food alone would totally flip him out.”

  They burst out laughing, bumping shoulders.

  “God forbid David Williams should ever have to go without his filet,” Nell remarked in a wry tone.

  “You mean Goddess forbid, don’t you honey?”

  They burst out laughing again.

  “I could tell him I’m secretly an alien.”

  “Or a former call girl.”

  “Or that I didn’t really graduate from Vassar but went to Mercer County Community College.”

  “Oh my Goddess! Anything but that.” Bridget pretended to be appalled.

  “We’ll think of something.” Nell spoke with more confidence. “I just know it. I’m already annoying the hell out of him by only doing the laundry once a week. And sometimes I let it sit around on the dining room table for a few hours after I fold it. Things like that drive him up a wall.”

  “Baby sister.” Bridget hugged her closer. “Don’t you worry. It will all work out for the best. And Mom would be proud of you.”

  “Would she? I don’t know, Bridget. I think I still love him. I really can’t tell.” Nell rubbed the spot near her temple where the migraines usually started, wincing as her fingers found the tender heart of the pain.

  “Love is a mystery,” her sister intoned, trying to make her laugh.

  Nell spoke in a timid voice, a little ashamed. “Maybe I just want to be selfish and I’m looking for a good excuse.”

  Bridget pointed at Nell. “That is the wisest thing you’ve said all day.”

  “Maybe I want someone to blame for being unhappy, and David is handy?”

  “You’re getting warmer…” Bridget leaned toward her, eyes teasing.

  “Maybe I should actually do something about it instead of just complaining?”

  “Bingo. You got it.” Bridget hugged her and kissed her on the cheek.

  “Maybe I’ll look for a job. Or apply to grad school. Hmm…”

  They rocked. Nell had a sudden vision of Ginnie and Mom sitting in the swing and talking like this. The moment was an echo in history, a sliver of time reflected over and over in a hall of mirrors. As though she and Bridget were the current initiates in a much deeper tradition and Nell was being sheltered and comforted by a long chain of supportive women.

  Nell breathed in, tasted the earthy sweetness. Her body relaxed, and her temple stopped twitching. She turned toward her sister. “And what’s the latest with your big news? Have you and Cole agreed on a place and time for the meeting?”

  “I’m not sure he told her yet. He’s ‘working his way toward it,’ as he said. Called me last week. I think he’s embarrassed. She looks up to him, and he doesn’t want to lose that.”

  “He let it happen. I don’t buy all that blaming it on his parents.”

  “I know, Nell, but we’re going to let that go.” Bridget sounded determined. “We’re giving the guy a break because he was just a kid, like me, and now he’s sorry, like me. Also, I don’t want to piss him off.”

  “Okay, okay. I get it. Well, I’m glad things are moving along at least.”

  “I’ve waited almost thirty years,” Bridget said. “I can be patient a little while longer.”

  They swung together, each lost in her thoughts, watching the evening shadows gather in the forest and spill onto the lawn.

  Nell heard Adam’s truck approaching when it turned onto Lakeshore. She looked at Bridget, and they smiled. They listened to the truck door creak and slam and watched to the left of the cottage where the path came around from the front yard. Adam appeared a minute later, striding toward them across the grass, carrying bags and packages in his arms. He grinned, threw everything down on the ground, and scooped Nell up out of the glider, smothering her in a bear hug.

  She squealed in mock terror as she clung to him. “Adam! You’re squishing me!”

  “It’s so good to see you, woman!” He released her and picked up a bouquet of white roses.

  “For you, Mrs. Williams.” Adam presented them to Nell, who smiled and buried her nose in the head-spinning scent.

  Then he picked up the box of Godiva chocolates, tied with a blue ribbon. “And for you, Ms. Reilly.” He presented it to Bridget.

  She looked at him with approval and shot him a wicked wink. “Yum. You darling man.”

  “And this is for all of us.” He picked up the bag of wine bottles and held it aloft.

  The sisters cheered and held up their empty glasses.

  The three of them trooped inside to cook dinner and celebrate Nell’s homecoming.

  Later that night, after Bridget and Jake had gone over to his house to watch their favorite show on cable TV, Nell and Adam once again sat in the lawn chairs at the end of the dock across the street from the cottage. The night was dark and magical. The black sky above the lake cupped a bowlful of stars topped by a white quarter moon that looked like a sly, half-turned face. The image was reflected below in the water, smooth and glassy. Lights blinked far across the lake. No other human beings were within sight or sound—it was their own private preserve. The cry of a loon sounded in the distance, sad and spooky.

  “This is wonderful,” Nell whispered. “I so missed this. Nature with a capital N.”

  Adam looked at her profile. She turned to meet his eyes.

  “And I missed you, Adam.” She reached out and gave his hand a squeeze. “I don’t have many friends in New Jersey, people I can really talk to.”

  He grasped her hand tightly then let it go and cleared his throat. “How are things at home?”

  “Same as always. The kids are great. Doing well in school, sports, ballet, etcetera. The
y are truly great kids, you know. Never a bad attitude. Even my teenager, Ben. I’m lucky.”

  “It’s not all luck. You can take some credit too.”

  “Thank you. It’s unusual to hear a compliment like that.” Nell hadn’t experienced a sense of pride in quite a while, maybe because she didn’t really approve of herself at the moment. But always trying to hit the highest possible mark was so stressful. She didn’t really want to know how she measured up anymore. She just wanted to go with her instincts, be spontaneous. “I put a lot of energy into my kids. Every day.”

  “I’m sure you do.” He nodded.

  They sat and looked at the sky for a moment.

  “So, how are you and David… doing?” He stared across the lake.

  “David and I are doing fine. It’s me who is not doing so fine.”

  “What’s going on?”

  “Things have changed.” She didn’t know how to explain it, the sense of being a stranger in her own life.

  “In what way?”

  Nell took a deep breath and closed her eyes as she let it out. “I’m lazy and flawed now. Can’t live up to my own expectations anymore.” It hurt a little to admit the truth, but like ripping off a Band-Aid, it was easiest done briskly.

  Adam turned to face her. “Changed for the better, I’d say. You were too uptight, Nell. You needed to chill out.”

  “Oh, really? Is that a compliment, or a poorly disguised insult?” She scowled, not expecting criticism, but he was still smiling at her.

  “I’ll always approve of you, Nell. Especially when you’re not perfect. You know, like the rest of us humans.” He leaned back and joined his hands behind his head, watching for her response.