Redemption

by Shelley Shepard Gray

  Sarah was staring at him as if mesmerized. “What did you do?”

  “I decided to sit with him until he passed.” He wouldn’t have done that if either had had men from their units there. But in that brief moment of time, they were both alone. “It was an ugly day. Overcast. Chilly. Damp. We were both cold and miserable. I scooted a little closer to him, trying in my own, weak way, I guess, to offer him comfort. He let me because he thought I was dying, too.”

  Remembering the moment, the way the land had smelled like damp grass and the faint odor of blood and spent ammunition filled the air, he added, “The man had blue eyes.”

  “Did you say anything?”

  “I asked him if he would like me to pray with him.”

  “Did he let you do that?”

  “Uh-huh. He told me about his family. How he was the youngest boy and how his momma was going to be so sad, because she hadn’t wanted him to fight in the first place. I told him about growing up without a family. We both agreed it was better to die for something we believed in than for nothing at all. Then we said the Lord’s Prayer.”

  “And then?”

  He closed his eyes. “And then he died.” Opening his eyes again, he shifted uncomfortably. “After a bit, I tied some of his shirt around my leg, like a tourniquet, and went looking for my camp.”

  “Did you ever tell anyone about him?”

  “No one. Not until you.” Realizing he’d gotten off track, he sighed. “Sarah, I don’t know if I’m making any sense, but what I’m trying to say is that there’s good and bad people in all walks of life. Even Southerners. Even orphans like me. Even a man as fortunate as Daniel, growing up in a caring community like this. There’s no telling what makes a man do the things he does. It’s a useless exercise to try to figure out why.”

  At last, Sarah picked up the jar and rolled it in her hands. “I think it’s time we saw how much was in here.” When she made a move to hand it back to him, he stilled her.

  “Nope. This is your moment. You do the honors.”

  Fifteen

  The Fulfillment

  THE GLASS JAR felt smooth and almost cool in her hands. The metal top was a bit rusted. As she held it between her palms, she half expected Daniel to come back from the grave and chastise her for doing something she shouldn’t.

  But of course her life had changed.

  Glancing at John almost bashfully, she said, “I hardly know what to do.” She paused, instinctively waiting for John to pull it out of her hands.

  But instead, he merely leaned back and smiled. “You can do it,” he murmured. “Just give it a good twist and then we’ll see what’s inside.”

  She didn’t bother to let him know that he’d misunderstood her. She wasn’t just talking about opening jars; she was talking about moving forward.

  Even the act of holding the jar in her hands felt like she was crossing a bridge. Not just because of the financial change, but because she was finally challenging and overruling her husband’s wishes. With one hard pull, she was going to make her own way in the world, doing something for herself instead of abiding by his desires.

  The feeling was heady.

  In this situation, Daniel hadn’t gotten his way. No matter how carefully he’d hidden his money, somehow, someway, the Lord had seen fit to give her a way to be triumphant.

  And that felt like a huge accomplishment. And a scary one, too. She knew how to be the downtrodden, almost banished wife of a man many had disagreed with. She’d even gotten used to barely subsisting on her own as a lonely widow.

  She wasn’t sure how being a triumphant woman was going to fit in her skin—or with the way she thought of herself.

  Across from her, John was getting impatient. “Come on, Sarah. Give it a good twist.”

  She gripped the top and gave it a hard yank, fully expecting it to be sealed tight. But instead it opened with a pop. Surprised, she glanced at John. “Could it really have been that easy to open?”

  His lips curved up. “You should take a look and see.”

  She carefully twisted the metal lid and felt a true sense of triumph when she held it in her hands. “I did it!”

  John laughed. “Yes, you sure did, Sarah. Now, stop looking at those coins like they’re going to reach out and bite you. Take out your money. Let’s see what you’ve got.”

  She inverted the bottle, gave it a good shake. One silver dollar after another clattered onto the table with a bright jingle. Then, she had to reach in and pull out the few silver coins that were stuck to the sides. After she gave it another shake, the remaining coins jangled against the sides of the glass jar, before at last settling onto the table with a satisfying clunk.

  It seemed like a lot of money to her. After all, she’d never had much for most of her life. But John had been led to believe that Daniel had squirreled away a small fortune. This wasn’t that. Warily, she lifted her head and gazed at him.

  Instead of looking disgruntled, he was staring at the pile of coins with a gleam in his eyes.

  “How much do you think all those coins are worth?” she asked.

  “We’ll have to count them, of course. But I’d have to say it’s a fair amount.”

  “Fair amount” didn’t sound all that exciting. “Do you think the amount might be as much as you’d hoped?”

  He leaned back. It was obvious that he was attempting to look more relaxed than he truly was. “It doesn’t matter how much I thought was going to be hidden. The money is yours anyway. Now, go ahead and count the coins, Sarah.”

  “We could do it together—”

  “We could, but I’d rather watch you do it.” Softly, he pushed a couple of the coins closer to her. “Everyone needs a moment like this. Take it.”

  Understanding what he meant even though she’d never contemplated needing to count a pile of silver in her life, Sarah reached out and made a neat and tidy stack of ten. “That’s ten silver dollars.” But as she looked at the seemingly ever-increasing pile of twinkling silver, it didn’t look as if she’d made the slightest dent.

  “Ten dollars is a real good start.” He made a shooing motion with his hands. “But you’ve a real long way to go. There’s a good amount left, don’tcha think?”

  “Are you sure you don’t you want to help?”

  “I’m positive.” With a chuckle, he added. “Now come on, or we’ll be sitting here all night.” And with that, John leaned back and folded his arms over his chest. Both showing and telling her that he didn’t intend to take over.

  “All right, then.” As excitement built inside her, she stacked more coins. Soon, she had three stacks of ten and there was still so much more to go. “This is a grand amount.”

  He grinned. “Indeed, it is.”

  “I can’t help but wonder how long Daniel was saving it all. To put away this much would take a long time. Ain’t so?”

  “Years and years. If I had to guess, I’d say at least four or five years.” His smile was gone now, and a more serious expression had settled into his features. “It makes me wonder how he accumulated so many coins. I’ve always been poor, but even I know men don’t part with silver easily.”

  “I couldn’t begin to imagine.” With a sigh, she formed another stack, making forty dollars counted. “Almost done now.”

  “You are the only person who would sound relieved about this.”

  “I’m not relieved. I simply feel a little awkward. John, I had no idea this much was hiding in the barn.” Privately, she also couldn’t help but remember all the times she’d gone without things, believing Daniel when he’d told her that they hadn’t gotten as much money for their wheat or grain or corn as she’d thought.

  Or when he’d come home from visiting the Englischer’s store without the fabric she’d asked for. The fabric he’d offered to buy for her . . . but then had acted like she’d been terrible to accept.

  When she set the very last coin in order, she gazed at the shiny silver stacks in awe. “That is sixty dollars.”


  Picking up two lone coins, he said, “Sixty-two, to be exact.”

  “That’s a great deal of money.”

  “Yes it is. Is there something you’ve been wanting to buy?”

  There was so much. She’d always longed to have a wagon to carry supplies. Or . . . maybe a pig or a goat. Or both! And then there was the opportunity to buy grain and seeds for a real garden. Better farm implements. So many things!

  But now, as she stared at the coins, it occurred to her that John’s only reason for remaining with her was gone. One day soon she would wake up alone. Make breakfast for one and tend to her animals and the farm all by herself.

  Soon, she wouldn’t have anyone to talk to, anyone to laugh with. She would simply be an Amish widow with a mystery about her, getting older year after year.

  Suddenly, the stacks of coins no longer felt very special.

  In fact, nothing felt all that special. “I think I’d best do some thinking about how to spend all this money,” she said at last, knowing as she did that her statement didn’t ring true.

  After gazing at her for a long moment, John stood up. “You know what? I think that’s a real fine idea. No hurry, is there?” Giving the coins another look of concern, he added, “You might want to not spend them all at one time. Folks might get to wondering why you are suddenly spending those silver coins if you haven’t before.”

  “Danke,” with false brightness. “That . . . that is good advice.”

  The muscles in his neck tightened as silence enveloped the room. Abruptly, he clapped his hands together. “I think it’s time I washed up and got my things together.”

  “So soon?” A cold knot formed in her stomach as she sprang to her feet. “You’re not planning to leave this evening, are you?”

  “I think it would be for the best.”

  He was right, she supposed. No good could ever come from them pretending to be something they weren’t. No good could ever come from him taking Daniel’s identity. To do so would surely shame them both.

  It would be a sin. A terrible sin.

  And it would besmirch Daniel’s memory. He might have had his faults, but the Lord knew they all did. And she was certainly filled with her fair share of flaws.

  But, as John turned, she thought about being alone again. Thought about hearing leaves rustle outside her window in the middle of the night and sitting up in fright. Waiting to be attacked.

  Thought about being a near castoff in her community. About how she’d carried the burden of her husband’s decision while no one had really taken the time to think about her. Or to ask her how they could help her. Instead, she’d felt more alone than ever before. And worse, she’d felt as if she’d had no way out.

  Then she realized her shame would be complete if everyone thought that her husband had found her to be so unworthy that he’d chosen to leave her. Why, she would likely never recover from that embarrassment.

  But more than any of that, she thought about her growing fondness for John. How she was beginning to trust him, when she hadn’t trusted any man for most of her life. She thought about how one smile from him could light up her day. And how one gentle compliment carried so much weight that she gripped it tightly to her chest like it was worth a fortune.

  The truth was that she cared for him. She cared for him like a woman cared for a man. A sweetheart cared for her beau. A wife cared for her husband.

  And that was when the muscles tightened inside her, and she realized that she truly could never let him go.

  She rushed forward. “John, wait.” When he didn’t seem to hear her, she raised her voice, not even caring that panic laced her tone now. “Wait!”

  He turned, confusion marking his brow. “What do you need?”

  That was always what he did, she realized. He put her needs before his.

  Now that he was staring at her, his gaze searching, she felt herself color. What she was about to suggest was inappropriate and bordering on being a Jezebel.

  But she couldn’t help herself. The alternative was too dear. Of that, she was certain. “John, what if you stayed here longer?”

  “What are you saying?”

  “What if . . . what if you don’t leave soon? What if you stayed awhile?” What she ached to add but didn’t were the rest of her thoughts. What if he didn’t leave, ever? What if he stayed by her forever?

  Even thinking such things should make her feel ashamed. But instead, all she felt was hope.

  A muscle in his cheek jumped, as if he was doing everything he possibly could to stay in control. “If I stay, there would always be the worry in the back of our minds that someone might find out about us.”

  “I don’t see how anyone would ever know. No one would doubt my word.”

  “But some already suspect. If those suspicions continue, it will cause talk.”

  “I’ve survived gossip, John. And I daresay you’ve survived worse.”

  “That I have,” he murmured. For the briefest of seconds, his gaze settled on her. Just before a line of red traipsed up his neck. “I must admit as well, that there’s something else to consider. See, if I stay here with you, other problems might arise.”

  “I don’t follow.”

  He kept his gaze averted. “I mean between you and me, Sarah. You are a lovely woman. A virtuous woman. I am very far from a saint. Eventually I’m afraid I would ask you for more than you might want to give.” He cleared his throat. “I would never hurt you, of course. I would never force myself on you. But if something happened? Well, we wouldn’t truly be married.”

  She stepped backward. She hadn’t thought about anything like that. However, she wasn’t sure if it was the idea of him one day coming into her bedroom that made her uneasy, or if it was the idea that he never would.

  “I’m sure we could discuss that in the future.” She couldn’t even believe she was talking like this. Thinking like this! She wasn’t a loose woman. She wasn’t without morals. But she’d also known what it was like to be with a man who had broken his vows.

  And she knew what it was like to feel as if she would always be alone.

  John looked overcome. “Sarah, I’m afraid to guess at what you are thinking. You’re going to have to be a little more clear.”

  Now she was embarrassed. “I guess I’m asking if you would consider staying here. With everyone thinking you were Daniel.”

  “For how long?” His voice was harsh with tension.

  The idea of him leaving was painful. And the change in her feelings was something she was going to need to examine. “I guess I am suggesting you would stay as long as you wanted.”

  “And what would we become? Sarah, you heard everything I just said. What would we be?”

  Stunned, she stared at him. And what she saw almost made her heart stop beating. “This time you are going to have to be the one who speaks clearly, John.”

  “I’m saying that if I stay, what would I be to you? Your husband? Your boarder?”

  It wasn’t her place to say, was it? To make such assumptions would be wrong. But he was asking for her opinion . . . and it was time to stand up for herself. Past time. “Perhaps you could simply be my partner?”

  The tightening muscle in his jaw told her what he thought of her vague reply. “I could be that, Sarah. I could be your secret partner. For a while. But not forever. Not for years.”

  His answer puzzled her. “But we would still be working together,” she murmured.

  “That is true.” He inhaled, seeming to come to a decision. “You see, I’m only a man. One day I know being just your partner and workmate won’t be enough. I will want more than that.”

  “More?” She honestly wasn’t sure what he was referring to. He would have the land, the property. Even the silver. What more could he want?

  A flush stained his cheeks as he lowered his voice, finally replying. “Sarah, one day, us being partners is not going to be enough for me. I . . . I would want to be your husband in truth, not just in name only.”
He paused, obviously wanting his meaning to sink in. “I think you are lovely, Sarah. I desire you. One day, I’m going to want children. A family. But I’m not sure if that is what you are ever going to want. If you don’t think you’re ever going to want me in that way, you’re going to need to let me know.”

  “John—” She didn’t know what to say, but surely she had to say something!

  He held up a hand. “I don’t need an answer this second. But I needed to put it out there. It needed to be said. So, do some thinking about all that before you ask me to stay. Think about it long and hard. Because once we make this decision there will be no going back.”

  She watched him turn and walk out the door, feeling like she was out of breath again. When the door slammed shut, she reached out and grasped the edge of the table and used it to support herself as she sat back down again.

  Memories of Daniel coming to her bed clashed with the feelings of longing she’d entertained when John had held her hand. When he’d looked at her a certain way.

  When he’d wrapped his arms around her, offering his support.

  Instinctively, she knew that an intimate relationship with John would be different from the only one she’d known. Everything about him was kinder, gentler. More patient.

  How could she knowingly invite him to enter such a relationship?

  But if she didn’t, how could she send him away?

  And only when she caught her breath did she dare ask herself why she was so stunned and scared. Was it because everything she had been afraid of was finally going to happen?

  Or was it that everything she’d wished for might actually come true?

  Was it his question that had discomfited her? Or, rather, her answer to it?

  Sixteen

  The New Plan

  BEFORE THE SUN had done much more than peek out over the horizon, Sarah was up and dressed and opening her bedroom door. It was time to face her fears and discuss everything with John. And the best time to do that, she knew, was in the early morning hours.