FATED

by Roberts, A. S

  he grins on their faces were enormous and it was positively catching. Jumping up and down waving and blowing kisses to them, I felt happier than I had in the four weeks I had been home. The thought of them going and enjoying themselves was definitely half of it; the other half of my happiness was a feeling that I was going to see Alex soon. At least that’s what I hoped. I had spent days trying to work out the bracelet and the print I had received for Christmas. But it was his words, which he had said to me over and over again. All of them kept running through my head, he would never let me go and he would always find his way back to me, these were my constantly prevalent thoughts and I hung on to them for all I was worth.

  My arms snaked around myself in a hug as I walked back indoors. All I had to do now was pick up my bag and check the house was locked, and I was good to go. Finally closing the door on my very ancient and hand me down Mini Cooper, I exhaled deeply.

  ‘Right, come on Frankie, you can do this.’ I started the engine and like a dream it fired up straight away. The little white car had once been JJ’s pride and joy. After his death I found he had left it to me. My aunt had been using it whilst I was in NYC and had lovingly kept it for my return.

  The journey was only going to take about thirty minutes; we already lived by the sea. Although Dungeness was nearby, it was almost as though time stood still on the small peninsular. Unmade roads, no shops and one pub were all its attributes, if you were describing the place. To me though, its beauty came in the things that were much harder to find words for. It certainly wasn’t everyone’s cup of tea and quite frankly for that I was grateful. My surrogate family had always loved it. Spending time down there together, most summers, was a child’s dream; the freedom afforded to us was almost the same as children had in previous decades, and we had loved it. Dungeness had always been my flight place, when I needed to get away and think. The thrill of knowing I was actually travelling there now was humming through my veins.

  Let’s just hope I had read all the signs properly and wasn’t just grasping at straws.

  The journey went quickly and I remembered just in time to stock up on fresh food from the last local shop on my way. Opening the car door the smell hit me all at once; the neighbouring shop was a fish and chip shop. My stomach was moaning like my throat had been cut. What the hell, it was lunchtime. If I had a big meal now it would save me cooking later. With my few provisions bought and loaded onto the back seat of the car, I sat in the car park outside and ate the fish and chips with my fingers, out of the newspaper. It was even better than the hotdog in NYC. I’m sure if the windows hadn’t steamed up, several locals would have been able to see a shit eating grin spreading across my face.

  The last few minutes of my journey completed on the very bumpy road, I pulled up outside the cottage and glanced around, some things it seemed didn’t change and that was a wonderful realisation. I braced myself for the onslaught of the wind that I just knew was coming when I opened the car door. It was as strong as I thought it was going to be, and I hung on to the door handle fiercely. The wonderful smells down here, a mixture of sea salt and sea cabbage hit my nasal passages as soon as I got out of the car. Looking up I could see the sky was grey and heavy and the sound of the huge waves crashing on the pebbles was almost deafening. My heart however, was light, and although I missed Alex with every part of my being, I felt this was, without a doubt, the right place to be.

  A couple of hours later I had unpacked my clothes in the main bedroom, placed all the food in the fridge, turned on the heating and lit a fire. I was sat in a huge armchair staring at the storm brewing up in the English Channel. I was drifting between dozing and reading a book, with my legs tucked up underneath me. My mobile ringing almost made me spill my wine and I hurriedly placed it down on the table to the side of me.

  ‘Hello.’

  ‘Chocolate drop, how are you? I know, stupid question, but I need to know.’ I closed my eyes on hearing Nathan’s voice; it had some of the same tones as Alex’s. It was nowhere near as deep, but the sound had made me hope for a split second.

  ‘I’m doing as well as can be expected, you know?’

  ‘Unfortunately I do... yeah.’ I could hear him pause in deep thought now and the silence of the conversation wrapped itself around me like a cold chill. ‘He does love you, you know... he’s a stupid fucker... but he does love you.’ Tears were silently coursing their way down my cheeks and I ran my spare hand over my face to try to wipe it dry, to no avail.

  ‘What’s going on, Nate?’ I managed to get out, albeit around a few sniffles.

  ‘You know I would love to answer that for you sweetheart, but I can’t... It’s not my story to tell... I seem to remember someone I care about very much telling me the same thing not so long ago. Just have some faith in him. I know he will want to find you soon, whether you choose to forgive him is up to you... But I have a feeling you will; he really is a lucky fucker.’

  ‘Touché.’ I answered.

  ‘I didn’t not say what it is to get back at ya, chocolate drop, it’s just that it needs to come from him and him only... How is she?’ He put the question so quickly into our conversation that for a minute I thought I hadn’t actually heard him.

  ‘She’s OK... not brilliant, but OK... I spoke to her at Christmas... You know she feels...’ I was interrupted suddenly by Nathan.

  ‘DONT... please don’t say any more.’

  I quickly found a different topic of conversation and we chatted away for another hour. I had really missed his companionship and quirky sense of humour. My relief was absolute when he made no mention of the job offer, as I still wouldn’t have had an answer for him. When we said our goodbyes I realised, for the first time since being down in the cottage, just how alone I was.

  That evening I decided to pull on some jeans and a jumper, tidy up my hair and apply just a little mascara. A visit to the local pub was a good idea, the locals gathered there most evenings, and although I was alone I wouldn’t have to be by myself. The walk just across the road was freezing and so blowy that twice I thought about turning around and going back to my onesie and open fire. It turned out though it was a great idea. The publican, Charlie, an older and almost beer barrel shaped guy caught me up on the small community’s latest gossip. The old chalk pits behind the pub had been turned into a wildlife reserve, a couple of the nearby cottages had been sold and someone was now doing up the old abandoned lighthouse. It was wonderful to spend some time with people I hadn’t seen in a few years.

  The sunrise was stunning, as I lay in my warm bed and watched it appear in the first window of the bedroom, and then slowly crawl its way around to the other larger picture window that looked out at the ocean. I watched the rays as they gradually spread their fingers over my entire bedroom. The storm had finally passed, it had taken a couple of days and I had spent the time reading, thinking and doing a small amount of crying.

  It looked like the small peninsular was at peace this morning, that feeling in turn rubbed off on my mood. I hadn’t had one sign that Alex knew I was even down here. Several times over the last couple of days I had resisted the urge to go back to my aunt and uncle’s to check if any flowers or presents had been sent there. I was pleased to think I had resisted. Slowly, day by day, I was feeling stronger than I had in years, and less broken.

  After grabbing some breakfast I decided that a run was needed and being ever nosy I knew my run would take me past some of the old railway-carriage cottages that Charlie had said had been done up. My bloody nosy nature always eventually got the better of me. I wiped my face clean of mascara, deciding that my shower could wait until after I returned, pulled on an old tracksuit and let myself out of the backdoor. Before being nosy I wanted to have a run on the pebble beach, which would burn off the fish and chips and copious amounts of chocolate I had consumed in my solitude. I finally reached the cottages that had been done up. They were absolutely
stunning, with a very modern turn of architecture being used on the old carriages. The old lighthouse was surrounded by scaffolding and plastic covering, I couldn’t believe it was still up after the weather we’d had in the previous few days, not that you would have thought it now, the sea was like a mill pond and you could see for miles in every direction. I made a turn for home, just noticing a small heart made of pebbles on the path in front of me. I touched it gently with the toe of my running shoes. It brought a smile to my face; obviously some children had been creative. I jogged a little further and almost fell over another much larger heart, made entirely of sticks and bits of bracken from the beach.

  I stopped now to stare. My own heart was beating so hard in my chest. He was here. I spun around now and checked to see if I could see anyone watching me, but as always the place was fairly deserted, it was cold and January, not the middle of summer, but I had to check. Disappointment filled me, but fleetingly. On the way back to the cottage I found two more hearts made of different pieces of beach debris, obviously blown in on the sea by the storm.

  Alex was definitely here. My body awakened like it had been in hibernation, just waiting for him. Stopping at my back door I could see a small beautifully wrapped box, my aching body instinctively broke into a small run to cover the distance. Bending down I noticed it had a small card with it. I opened the door with trembling fingers, shut it quickly behind me and ran into my bedroom. I placed the small box down on the bed and removed the card. My body was shaking, with what I didn’t know.

  Was it excitement or terror?

  Finally I encouraged my fingers to open the card up and read.

  Frankie

  I enclosed a small charm for our bracelet.

  Once you see it, you will know where to find me.

  I hope you will come to me

  I am here for you and only you.

  Please give me this chance to explain.

  I love you

  X

  A loud cry escaped my lips, and I lifted up my hand to cup my mouth. My eyes read his words several times over. The box was lying on my bed. I fell to my knees and rested my elbows on top of the thick quilt; I needed to rest my arms in order to compensate for the shaking in my limbs. Swiftly I tore off the wrapping and opened the lid. Peering inside I could see a small silver charm, looking even more closely I could see it was a... lighthouse.

  A couple of hours later I made my way towards the plastic covered building. I was wearing my warm coat over the one and only dress I had brought with me and knee high boots. My hair was done to fall loosely around my shoulders. I had bathed and shaved all over, my makeup was done to perfection, well the little I wore. Alex hadn’t seen me in a month and I wanted him to see exactly what he had been missing, it was my semblance of being in control of this meeting. He had hurt me terribly, I knew deep down it was for a good reason, but I wasn’t just going to bow down to him. I needed my facade around me. I didn’t stop walking once; I wanted to show no hesitance. My traitorous body was on fire, as it always was whenever he was near, and my heart was pounding away in my chest, like I was out running.

  The old wooden blue door flew open as I reached it; he had obviously been looking out for me. There he was, my Greek God, he was wearing dark blue jeans and a light blue button down shirt over a white T-shirt. I realised that I was casually and probably very slowly running my gaze over the entire gorgeous length of his body. I felt my lips start to lift as a smile took over my face. He was holding the door open with one hand and offering his other to me, I took it without thinking and the familiar pulse of electricity coursed between the two of us. My whole being wanted to fly into his arms. Somehow I stopped myself and walked around him and into the lighthouse.

  It was beautiful inside, warm and inviting, and done out very similarly to the cabin in the Catskills, except the wooden walls were white washed instead. White and blue were the prominent colours with the very occasional accent of yellow thrown in for good measure. I wouldn’t have picked anything different.

  ‘Thank you for coming, Frankie... I was scared you weren’t going to. Will you sit down?’ I knew he was running his hand through his hair even without turning around; slowly I made my way to the deep comfy looking chair. I couldn’t risk him sitting next to me at the moment.

  ‘Can I take your coat?’ His fingers grazed the tops of my shoulders as he relieved me of the garment. He threw it over the back on the settee, without ever leaving me. ‘Please say something, Frankie... speak to me.’ His hands caressed down either side of my arms. They left goose bumps on my flesh. The hair on my body stood to attention. I pulled myself away from his embrace and sat down quickly.

  ‘I think you are the one who needs to talk, Alex, not me.’

  With a loud expel of breath he moved himself to sit on the arm of the settee. I knew why, it was closer to me than the actual settee. He sat and put his long muscular legs out in front of him and crossed his bare feet. He lifted his gaze and my eyes fell into his beautiful green pools.

  ‘I was thirty on the sixth of January and with that coming of age, finally my father’s Company and property became completely mine, no more fucking bowing down to the board, no more fucking curtailing to my mother and stepfather... finally they have no more say in any of our lives.’ He said it with such complete and utter conviction, that I found it confusing.

  ‘But I thought you didn’t want the company?’ He lifted his hand asking for my patience.

  ‘On the seventh of January my mother and stepfather stepped down from their positions on the board and left the Blackmore family property in the Hamptons, and all of our lives, albeit somewhat reluctantly. We paid them off and they left to retire in Martha’s Vineyard. I resigned as CEO after making my final decision in that position and my stepsister Ruby is now in charge of the company.’

  I knew my face was pulling into a deep frown at the mention of her name.

  ‘Also on the seventh of January, Ruby and my brother Scott were married, just a quiet affair with only Nathan and me as witnesses... They are very much looking forward to the birth of their baby.’ The silence that followed was almost deafening as I filtered the information. He crossed his arms over his huge chest as he waited for me to catch up.

  ‘So you aren’t in love with her? It isn’t your baby? What we had really was real?’ I watched as he fell to his knees, and sat back on his haunches next to my chair. He made a grab for my hands.

  ‘There’s no WAS about it...I LOVE YOU!... I love you so fucking much!’ He stared deeply into my eyes, trying to convince me.

  ‘You are my extraordinary light in what has been a pretty fucking dark existence. Without you, Frankie, I am a sad excuse for a human being. I am just so sorry you got caught up in our fucking clusterfuck of a so called family, believe me it has fucking done me in being without you the past month. I hope you can forgive me?’ He threaded his fingers in between mine. ‘Please say you can forgive me?’ Taking my silence as an opportunity to continue, he carried on with the explanation.

  ‘I was only young when my dad died, but he made me promise to always look out for my little brothers ...’ He was shaking his head from side to side.

  ‘Ruby and Scott have been in love since she came back from university... She, like me, was sent away to school for looking too much like her mother, something my bitch of a mother wasn’t willing to accept... they never grew up together.

  ‘She is a strong lady, she can see past his illness, she sees him for the fantastic, creative man he is... his illness has meant we couldn’t risk them being found out, as he would have been made to leave our family home... he simply couldn’t have taken it, God forbid if they had found out she was pregnant by him... they see his illness as weakness, weakness that isn’t allowed in our old distinguished family.’ I could hear the disgust and sarcasm in his voice.

  ‘Which of course
, is a fucking load of complete shit.’ he added with a strong vehemence.

  I rubbed his hands with my fingertips, urging him to carry on.

  ‘My stepfather physically and mentally abused me from when I was young; he hated us but loved the money and status the Blackmore’s brought him.’ Tears started down my face. ‘That’s why he got rid of me ASAP. While I was at home Nate and Scotty were safe, once I left they were in his line of fire... Nathan it didn’t affect so much, but Scotty, well I think it has caused a lot of his problems... hopefully now they’re gone he can get on with his life with Ruby.’

  ‘I wasn’t meant to meet you again so soon, was I?’

  ‘Not if I’d had my way, Frankie, no... But make no mistake, I was always going to come for you... probably about now... but your uncle got sick and Nathan was injured... sometimes best laid fucking plans are thwarted by other circumstances. Please stop crying, baby; I am so sorry, so sorry for everything.’

  I couldn’t restrain myself anymore and snatched my hands out of his. My right hand smacked the side of his face with as much force as I could muster and then upon hearing the crack it made and with my palm still burning, I flew into his arms. A smaller man might have been bowled over, but not Alex.

  He wrapped his arms around me as tight as I could stand and he began to kiss me. It was one of his kisses that made me lose my mind. Our tongues danced together and it became more and more desperate. We sucked and nipped at each other’s lips in a bid to almost consume one another. Alex started to stand up, taking me with him, my arms were around his neck and I never wanted to let go again. Finally we reluctantly broke free of each other. There was still so much to say.

  ‘I totally accept that crack around the face, I fucking deserved it... but do you forgive me, baby?’

  ‘I do... I understand,’ I said resting my forehead on his, my feet not touching the ground as he held me up to his level. ‘Once I had the time to think about it all, I knew there had to be a good reason for everything... but let me add... If you ever lie to me, cover up the truth, or manipulate me again, I will walk, even if it is done with the very best intentions. I never want to cry like I have in the last month ever again; never... do you understand me?’