Home All Along

by Beth Wiseman

  “Nee, I haven’t heard from him.” The Pennsylvania Deutsch slid off of her tongue easily.

  Annie laid the baby on her lap facing her as she shook her head. “Everyone is entitled to grieve. Sometimes I cry myself to sleep at night, missing Mamm so badly that I feel sick to my stomach. But I’m raising a baby on my own, and I don’t have the luxury to become a potato chip–eating lounge lizard who sleeps and watches cowboy and Indian movies. Something will have to change in this house.” She sighed and looked around at the mess. “But let’s talk about you and Daniel. Did something happen between the two of you?”

  “Not that I know of. I mean, he was pushing me for a commitment a few weeks ago, and I told him I needed more time. For me, it’s not just being with Daniel, but it’s also a huge commitment to God.” Charlotte shrugged. “He let the subject drop, then we had a lovely dinner out one night.” She paused. “I actually thought he might propose that night, but he didn’t even mention us being together. And I’d already made up my mind that I was going to say yes. But I figured he had a lot on his plate, with your mother and everything. Then he just got quiet when she passed.”

  Charlotte hung her head again for a few seconds. “I thought he must need time to himself, but then at the funeral . . . he wouldn’t even look at me.” She swiped at a tear. “And he isn’t returning my texts and hasn’t called.”

  “I want to smack him.” Annie growled. “I want to smack him and mei daed too.”

  Charlotte raised her chin and sniffled. “I love Daniel. But even if we aren’t going to be together, I am getting baptized as planned. This has been a decision that’s been percolating for a long time, but it’s a biggy and I had to be sure. And I am.”

  A broad smile filled Annie’s face. “I am so happy for you, Charlotte. And Jacob will be right there with you, also professing his promise to Christ through baptism.”

  Charlotte smiled. “I’m happy for Jacob. Do you think you and Jacob will get married soon after he’s baptized?”

  Annie nodded. “Ya, I think so. There were times when I wasn’t sure, but we’ve both been through a lot, and I’d like to think we have matured and are capable of making gut decisions, choices that will affect the rest of our lives.” Annie stood. “I best get this little one a bottle and down for a nap.”

  Charlotte had kept Annie away from her chores for long enough. She hadn’t even taken her coat off. She stood and hugged Annie, then kissed her on the cheek. “Your mamm would be proud of you, the way you have taken care of Grace and are running the household.”

  Annie grunted. “Danki about the boppli, but I doubt Mamm would be happy about the state of this house.”

  “Baby steps,” Charlotte said as she moved toward the door. “And will you tell Daniel I stopped by?”

  Annie nodded. “Are you sure you don’t want me to go throw a glass of water on him?”

  “Nee, nee.” Charlotte forced a smile before she left, then hurried to her truck.

  Saturday morning Andrea left Bella with Charlotte, then took her truck to the boutiques where she had her jewelry for sale. Two hours later, she had 215 dollars. She’d earned it doing something she loved, and she owed her new life to her sister. She counted out a hundred dollars and stashed it in her purse’s side pocket so she could make a stop later. After visiting the last boutique on the outskirts of town, she was walking to the truck when a buggy pulled into the parking lot.

  “Whoa, whoa.” Edna slowed her horse to a stop. “I thought that might be you in Charlotte’s truck. I wasn’t sure if she still had the truck since she’s getting baptized tomorrow.”

  Andrea walked closer to the buggy. “I think she’s going to sell the truck to get a horse and buggy.” She put a hand to her forehead to block the sun as her teeth chattered. “How are you?”

  Edna smiled. “Much better. I talked to John. I told him everything.” She locked eyes with Andrea. “Everything.”

  Andrea cringed, unsure if that was the right thing to do. What exactly did everything mean?

  “I—I also spoke to him about how much I thought we both wanted kinner, and that I was depressed that we weren’t trying for children.” Edna lowered her gaze. “It took awhile, but he eventually opened up to me. We are planning to see a doctor soon since John feels there might . . .” Edna cleared her throat as she looked up at Andrea again. “He feels there might be a problem. John wants kinner just as much as I do, and once everything was out in the open, we seemed to have found each other again. Things aren’t perfect, and some of what I told John was hard for him to hear. But I think we can make things right.”

  “That’s great, Edna.” Andrea smiled. “I hope it all works out.”

  “It’s because of you. You talked candidly to me, made me think about things and have the courage to have a hard talk with mei husband. Danki for that.”

  “I didn’t really do anything.”

  Edna pulled her coat snug. “I’m not going to Charlotte’s and Jacob’s baptism tomorrow. I hope that one day things will be different for Charlotte and me, but for tomorrow, I think it best if I not go.”

  Andrea wasn’t going to argue the point and just nodded.

  “But I hope God sheds blessings on the day.”

  “I’m sure Charlotte and Jacob both appreciate those sentiments. I’m kind of looking forward to seeing a real-live Amish baptism.” Andrea chuckled.

  “It’s very special,” Edna said, a twinkle in her eye. “I must go. God’s blessings on you too, Andrea.”

  “Um, wait. Where are you off to?”

  “Just on my way home after delivering baked goods to Widow Hostetler. Why?”

  Andrea recalled Edna’s story about cake and icing. “Do you maybe want to get some coffee or something? I mean”—she dropped her gaze and held up a palm—“it’s perfectly fine if you don’t because I know your people aren’t really supposed to hang out with us.”

  Edna laughed. “I’m afraid our people are dependent on your people for tourism and a host of other things. We are all just people, loving the Lord and trying to find our way in this world. I’d love to have some coffee. The shop nearby has holiday flavors this time of year.”

  “Wanna hop in Big Red? It might be warmer.” Andrea pointed to the truck.

  “There’s nowhere to hitch my horse here, and he needs to keep moving in this cold weather, or at least be sheltered from the cold. I have a portable heater if you don’t mind riding with me, and there is a coffee shop once we get on the main road. There is a covered area there where I can pull in, a place my horse will be protected from the wind and cold.”

  “Sure.” Andrea walked around to the other side of the buggy and got in. “This is my first time to ride in a buggy.”

  Edna laughed again, which was really nice to hear after seeing her so distraught not long ago. “Well, you better hold on then because I’m quite the buggy driver.” She clicked her tongue and the horse took off into a fast trot.

  “Well, now. This is cool.” Andrea put her palms against the dashboard as she bounced up and down more than she thought she would. “Guess I need to get used to this since it will be Charlotte’s new mode of transportation. And hey, do you mind if we make a stop on the way? I need to drop some money off to someone.”

  “Ya, that’s fine.”

  Andrea settled in for the ride, a smile on her face she couldn’t hold in.

  Sunday morning Annie sat on the couch wearing a freshly pressed maroon dress and black apron. Gracie had been fed, released a hardy burp, and was wearing a fresh diaper. Annie had built up the fire into a roaring blaze, and she’d had a big bowl of cereal, along with half of an apple. Now, tapping her foot against the wood floor, she waited for the lizards to awaken. She’d made plenty of racket in the kitchen.

  “I don’t smell bacon,” Daniel said as he hit the bottom stair, rubbing his eyes and yawning.

  “I didn’t prepare breakfast.” Annie lifted her chin and pressed her lips together, gently rocking the baby.


  Moments later her father emerged from his bedroom, and he shuffled in his slacks, T-shirt, and socks across the living room toward the kitchen. He returned right away.

  “There’s no kaffi made.” His bushy eyebrows drew into a frown. “And where is breakfast?”

  Annie set Grace in the bouncy seat, tucked a blanket in around her, then kissed her on the cheek. “Grace has eaten and she has a fresh diaper.” Annie walked to the rack by the front door. She put on her big black bonnet and coat. “She will need another bottle around ten. And please remember to burp her if you don’t want her to spit up on you.”

  “Have you fallen ill?” Her father took a couple of steps into the living room. “Is that why you haven’t made breakfast?”

  “Nee, I am not ill. I am tired of you two acting like you are the only ones who are grieving. I am tired of you eating potato chips, living like lizards, sleeping half the day . . .” She glared at Daniel, then glowered at her father. “And not being mindful of this beautiful new life we should be celebrating.”

  “Lizards?” Daniel scratched his head and yawned again.

  “Shame on both of you. Charlotte and Jacob are getting baptized today, two people who we love very much. It’s been a long time coming for both of them following many hardships. You should both be attending.”

  Both men stared at Annie with their mouths hanging open. They’d both told her the night before that they would not be going to the baptisms today. Annie had fumed about it until she’d eventually fallen asleep.

  “Will you be making our meal before you go?” Daed ran his hand along his beard, his nose scrunched up and his eyebrows drawn inward.

  “Nee. I will not.” Annie picked up her purse.

  “You aren’t taking the baby?” Daniel took a few steps into the living room.

  “Nee. I’m not going to take Gracie out in the cold when there are two perfectly gut babysitters right here. I have already hitched the horse, and I don’t know when I’ll be back.” She marched to the door.

  “Dochder, you cannot speak to me in this way,” her father bellowed.

  Something in Annie snapped. When she turned around to face her father and brother, she could almost feel smoke rising from the top of her head. “Ya, I can! I am not a child, so don’t talk to me as if I am. I am the only one rearing this beautiful baby. I clean for you, cook for you, mend your clothes, gather the eggs, and brush down the horses. I’m tired!” She pulled open the front door and turned around. “Might I suggest that both of you bathe? And there will not be another meal cooked in this house until you both straighten up yourselves and your mess.”

  Her father’s eyes blazed as he opened his mouth, but Annie cut him off. “Nee, Daed. Don’t you say anything. I love you, but this must end.” She glanced at Gracie as her eyes filled with tears. “Mamm is gone. She’s not coming back. She’s gone home. And now we have a new member of our family who you won’t have anything to do with. Gracie is not responsible for Mamm’s death. If you are harboring such thoughts, then you need to sweep them under a rug for good!” She pointed her finger at him. “Shame on you!”

  Then she locked eyes with Daniel. “It’s bad enough you are not attending Jacob’s baptism because I’m going to marry him. But how can you not attend Charlotte’s? She loves you, Daniel. I don’t know what your reasons are for treating her so badly lately, but you are being cruel by not going.” Annie started to cry as she slammed the door behind her.

  Daniel called her name, but she kept going.

  Twenty-Three

  Bishop Miller and his wife offered to have the worship service at their home since it would be a small gathering. Charlotte was dressed in a dark green dress, white apron, and her hair atop her head was covered by a kapp. As she looked down at her black socks and black leather shoes, she fought the urge to cry happy tears. She’d come a long way, and she was ready to commit herself to the Ordnung.

  Jacob looked handsome in a black pair of slacks and long-sleeved blue shirt, wearing shiny black shoes and a black felt hat. Annie stood near him, glowing. Amos was standing behind Lena’s wheelchair as Lena softly wept. Hannah and Isaac were standing beside Amos. They’d waited a long time to see Jacob get baptized.

  Charlotte kept glancing at the door, hoping and praying that Daniel would show up, even if it was just to be present for Jacob’s sake. Annie was planning to marry Jacob, and Daniel’s family had known Jacob his entire life.

  But Charlotte chose to focus on the good things in her life today. She smiled at Andrea, who was holding Bella. Thank You, God, for gifting me with family.

  Daniel had never heard Annie stand up to their father in that way, and he waited for Daed to go into a rage after Annie left. But he sat in the rocking chair, perfectly still and silent. Daniel sat on the couch near the baby seat where Gracie was sleeping soundly. He didn’t know what to say. His sister was right about their father.

  “Your sister is right,” Daed said.

  Danki, Lord for allowing mei father to see the error of his ways about the boppli.

  Daniel nodded.

  “You should be at that baptism.”

  Daniel sat taller and started to speak, but his father cleared his throat and went on. “Charlotte has done many gut things for Annie and Jacob, taken them in like family when they were confused and lost. I was slow to accept her, but her goodness shines brightly.” He scratched his head. “Why, exactly, are you not going?”

  Daniel wanted to redirect the conversation to his father’s inability to bond with his new daughter, but Daed wasn’t likely to move to another subject until this question had been satisfied. But Daniel didn’t feel like explaining himself. Then he might have to take action, and he’d rather lie around eating potato chips and sleeping. At least until he was able to drift to sleep without crying, his mother’s face the last thing he saw each night.

  He’d have to explain to his father that Charlotte had spent a long time postponing a commitment, and how he feared she wouldn’t go through with the baptism today. Which meant she wouldn’t be able to marry him. He couldn’t take another hurt piled on top of his grief. “I don’t know,” he finally said.

  His father sat quietly, running his hand the length of his beard over and over again. Hopefully, Daed was now thinking about his own actions.

  “I do not know how to cook. Do you?” Frowning, he turned to Daniel.

  “Nee.” Cooking wasn’t high on Daniel’s priority list right now, but not eating did cause a shiver to run up his spine. But only for a moment.

  He began to picture Charlotte, dressed in Amish clothing for the first time, preparing to commit herself to the church for the rest of her life. As Daniel thought about everything she had been through to reach this point, his heart beat faster. How can I miss this? I love her.

  But what if she didn’t go through with it? What if she wasn’t even there right now? Should Daniel go for Jacob and Annie, no matter what? Despite the lad’s waywardness at times, Jacob was a good lad and seemed to have put his worldly ways behind him.

  Daniel thought about the life he’d longed for with Charlotte. And now she was taking the first step toward that dream. Was she doing it just for him? If he wasn’t there, would she change her mind and not choose baptism? That seemed like reason enough not to go.

  His heart slammed into the wall of his chest. This was what he’d wanted—for Charlotte to commit to God and to him. She’d always said he gave her strength and confidence, and he wasn’t there now to provide that.

  He bolted upstairs and minutes later he returned, hoping his father would have ventured over to Gracie, or at least paid the tiniest bit of attention to her.

  “You’re right. I should be there. And I’m going!” He darted toward the door.

  “Wait, wait, wait!” His father quickly closed the distance between them. “You can’t leave the baby. I don’t know how to tend to a child.” Scowling, he glanced at Grace, then back at Daniel.

  “Annie was right about you too, Daed.” D
aniel stared at his father. “Grace didn’t cause Mamm to die. She is a beautiful little person, and she’s your dochder. Go to her.”

  His father’s bottom lip twitched, and Daniel wasn’t sure if he was going to yell or cry. Daniel didn’t wait to find out.

  As he readied the horse for travel, he prayed that his father would take this opportunity to get to know his daughter.

  Charlotte tried to corral the bursts of adrenaline coursing through her veins as butterflies fluttered in her stomach. The deacon had arrived a few minutes late, so they were starting a few minutes after eight o’clock. Charlotte had thanked the bishop and his wife for working in the baptisms before Christmas, instead of making Jacob and Charlotte wait until the spring. Charlotte suspected that Lena might be part of the reason the bishop had bent the rules.

  Charlotte was grateful to the bishop—and God—for Lena’s presence. Lena had stood by their son as he tried to find his way in the world, but she’d wanted him baptized into the faith. And now it was finally happening.

  As everyone took their places, their attention was drawn to the window. In the distance, a buggy sped up the driveway. Charlotte dared to pray that it might be Daniel, and when Annie let out a slight gasp, smiling, Charlotte’s hope soared as Daniel came into view. Everyone waited quietly until he was at the front door. As he stepped over the threshold, he blew cold air into the room, his teeth chattering.

  “Sorry I’m late.” He smiled at Charlotte, and she forced herself not to break out in tears. She glanced around the room at all the happy faces, but Annie and Jacob exchanged glances, their disappointment also reflected in their expressions. They were surely hoping that Lucas would be here too.

  Annie edged her way to where Daniel was standing. “You left Grace with Daed?” she asked in a whisper loud enough that everyone in the room heard her.

  “Ya. It is too cold for the boppli.”