Colt Harper: Esteemed Vampire Cat

by Tyrolin Puxty

  “This is really offensive!” Lexi’s expression is hilariously heartbreaking. “I don’t look that fat, do I? I mean, it’s just a caricature, right? I’m not that round?”

  “Just a bit,” I say. “But the good news is, I’ve come off pretty well.”

  Our car is covered in gratuitous graffiti, Lexi—basically the shape of an orange madly rolling after Jax, who is pictured as a skinny wolf with stink lines. I’m drawn as the hero, with a big chin and a cheesy grin and bulging muscles, grandstanding on a hill surrounded by cats. I like it. Saffy is depicted as Rapunzel, with demonic eyes and sharp teeth. As amusing as it is, I didn’t care for the fact that they’d slashed our tires, effectively stranding us in this hick town.

  “It’s dawn.” I motion at the rising sun. “We need to get out of here. Who’s up for some grand theft auto? The crime, not the game.”

  Lexi, Jax, and I raise our hands, but Saffy remains fixed on the graffiti.

  “Majority rules,” I say. “Let’s go.”

  “Could we get a coffee first, Colt?” Saffy picks at her fingernails. “Monsters don’t attack in public, right? We could get a quick breakfast, walk out on the check, and steal a car. Would that work?”

  I hate coffee, but the thought of food excites me. “A tuna sandwich sounds tempting. There’s a diner up the road I saw on the way here.”

  Saffy looks relieved, probably because it means postponing a felony. Stupid do-gooder humans.

  We walk across the road, comforted by the passing cars. Cars mean humans, and humans mean no aggressive, resurrected switchers out to get us.

  The diner I spotted earlier is open, but no customers are inside. It’s nice; kind of posh, with floorboards and tablecloths. I mean, tablecloths? In a diner? That’s ritzy.

  I lead us to the table in the middle, you know, so I can be the center of attention (pun intended) and pull out Saffy’s seat for her. I instantly regret it. That was such a gentlemanly thing to do! No monster wants to be gentle or a man; especially not Colt Harper, Esteemed Vampire Cat!

  Clearing my throat, I save face by winking at the waitress, just so Saffy thinks I’m more of a player than a… gentleman. Ugh!

  The waitress is about nineteen, with a hard face and light eyes. Her hair is pinned back in a tight ponytail and her black uniform looks painted on. “The special today is bacon and eggs.”

  “That doesn’t sound so special,” Lexi says. “You’re… you’re skinny, aren’t you? Your ribs are just poking out there. Bet you’re real easy to tickle.”

  “Oh, jeez!” I sight. “Can you get this one a pack of gum? We’ll all have the special and coffee.”

  “With a side of pancakes,” Lexi adds.

  “You sure?” the waitress looks Lexi up and down. “You want your coffee with skim milk, then?”

  I choke on a laugh, especially when Lexi’s eyes get watery. She merely nods and glances down at her stomach as the waitress leaves.

  We’re left awkwardly staring at one another, short of conversational topics. Lexi taps her thumbs together, then slams her fists on the table.

  “I’m stressed out, guys. I’m totally stressed! One more thing goes wrong, and I’ll go on a tickle rampage, I swear! Those switchers have me freaked, and, and that skinny waitress said I was fat! I’m not really. Am I? It’s not such a bad thing, is it?”

  “Wow, okay, so a coffee is the last thing you need.” I reach out and stroke her hands, not because I care, but because I can’t stand the commotion. “Chill. Food is incoming and then a monotonous car ride. Nothing stressful about that, is there?”

  “No. No, I guess not.” Inhaling steadily, she puts her hands in her lap. “I’m good, I’m good. I think. I mean, I’m bad, but I think I feel good. Ish. I’m still feeling rejected after Jax slept on the floor last night. I don’t understand why nobody wants to share a bed with me.”

  “Because you sleep-tickle,” I say, growing bored. “Move on now, all right?”

  Jax shifts in his seat, finds a spot on the ceiling, and stares at it. Saffy is suspiciously quiet, gazing at her lap, and Lexi is still babbling crap.

  Something doesn’t feel right. Nobody will look at one another. The food takes a long time. And now, there’s silence, even though there was chatter and the clanging of pans just a moment ago.

  Jax stands suddenly and sniffs the air. “My hackles are up. Something’s not right here.”

  I join him and sniff too, but can’t smell what he can. “What are you scenting?”

  “Probably me.”

  Oh crap, that voice. That damn villainous, English hybrid Australian slash South African accent. Sitting on the counter with legs neatly crossed is Brynn, her leather pants tight and her red hair curled. She smiles, but her face is tight like she just got another Botox injection.

  “It’s the most peculiar thing,” she says conversationally. “Chasers are supposed to heal within minutes, right? But my back is still killing me. It was fine until I sat in the car on the way here. I tell you, the pain was probably akin to childbirth, if not worse. I don’t know if it’s strained, jammed, or what. I’ve booked an appointment with the osteopath. What I’m trying to say Colt, is you’ve injured me. That hasn’t happened before. And frankly, I’m a wee bit annoyed.” Her eyes flash. “Well, a lot annoyed. Do you think it’s fun hobbling around like an old lady? Sure, I provide entertainment to others, but I’m in pain! Even jumping on this damn counter was like a ruptured spleen thrown into a pit of boiling lava. I’m not convinced I can actually move from this spot…”

  “Ha!” I grin. “That’s what you get for torturing my friend.”

  “Your friend is a monster.” She attempts to uncross her legs, and winces. “Ow. Yes, quite stuck here. Anyway, I don’t feel the need to remind you that I’m the protagonist here. You’re the villains! You’re the villain.” She points to me. “You’re the villain.” She points to Jax. “You’re… a strange kind of villain.” She points to Lexi. “And you, little half-sis, are the new villain. When my crew annihilate you today, I’ll make claim on your treasure.”

  Saffy’s eyes widen. “What? No!”

  “Treasure?” I cock my head. “What treasure? I like treasure. Can I have treasure?”

  “The word is losing its meaning,” Lexi says.

  “Not to me!” I lick my lips. “What treasure? Can I fight you for it?”

  Brynn snaps her fingers and five waitresses file in from the kitchen. They look pretty. Pretty similar, too. Young, hair tied up, rocking bodies.

  “My fellow chasers,” Brynn says. “I recruited them to take you down, what with my bad back and all. This is the official diner where chasers network. Wasn’t that just bad luck that you happened to stumble in here?” She flicks her hair. “Get ‘em, girls.”

  The chasers are quick. Like petite blurs, they rush us and knock us off our feet. I land flat on my back, grab the table leg, and flip it on its side.

  Jax crawls to the corner of the diner and hides beneath a table. A chaser no older than fifteen strides toward him and picks up a silver knife.

  “No!” he pleads. “Not silver!”

  “Turn, dog. Let me be eye to eye with the monster you are.”

  What a precocious brat. Rolling my eyes, I pick up a fork off the floor next to me and throw it. It plunges into her back and she screams. She tries to yank it out, but her limbs are too short.

  “Do what you gotta do, Jax,” I yell. “She’s distracted.”

  He nods and lunges at her, pinning her to the ground.

  “Rip her throat out, Jax!”

  He looks at me with puppy-dog eyes and shakes his head. He just sits on her and slaps her gently on the face a few times. “I can’t. I’ll just pin her down for a while.”

  “Oh, for the love of God!” I can’t deal with him right now. There’s a chaser just above me, a knife in hand. As she jumps on top of me, I release my talon, impaling her, then shake her off. Man, this felt good. I mean, I’m gonna get in a lot of trouble for it, bu
t…

  “Argh….” she mutters incoherently. Oh. I didn’t kill her. Just mortally wounded. I’m losing my touch. At least, she’ll be down for the count.

  I stand and scope the area. Brynn swings her legs on the counter, enjoying the show. I can’t see Saffy anywhere, but Lexi has two chasers on her. They have her cornered, and she’s shielding her face with her hands.

  “Lexi! You’re a million times their size! Tickle them!”

  “What?” she shrieks. “But I can’t stop once I start! I’ll go all berserk and stuff!”

  “Who cares? They’re chasers! Tickle them!”

  Lexi makes a weird noise in her throat, somewhere between a nervous laugh and a reluctant groan. One chaser slashes at her arm, drawing blood. I’ve never seen Lexi so vicious. Something about blood must be sending her over the edge because she charges at the chasers and throws them to the other side of the diner and they crash into the tables. She runs after them, and I’m not sure if I imagine the building shake as she does so. Bending over, she digs her nails into their sides.

  A crazy smile spreads across her face as the chasers laugh hysterically. Within moments, they wet their pants and their laughter turns to tears. They gasp desperately for air and before I know it, they’re quiet.

  Lexi stands, her eyes wide with desire. “That felt good. I need more.”

  “Lexi, breathe,” I say. “Let’s get you a pack of gum.”

  “I can’t stop! I need to tickle more!” Lexi runs at the window and jumps through it, shattering the glass. That was unnecessary. The door was already open.

  “These trainee chasers suck.” Brynn sighs. “Seriously, Chelsea. Are you just going to let a wolf in his human form sit on you?”

  “He’s really heavy!” Chelsea groans as Jax slaps her. “Can you help me?”

  “My back. I couldn’t possibly move,” Brynn says. “Well done, Colt. You’ve killed two of my girls and have the others pinned. But where oh where is Saffy and the last chaser?”

  I freeze. She is right.

  I hurry into the kitchen and find Saffy weaving through the aisles of counters and food, throwing pots and pans to slow down the final chaser.

  “Please don’t do this to me, Sara!” she cries.

  “I’m sorry, Saffron. They’re the rules. Chasers kill monsters.”

  “But I’m not a monster! I have human blood in me!”

  “Please.” Sara jumps over a counter, coming face to face with Saffy. “That human blood in you is stolen. Brynn did her research.”

  “Stolen?” Saffy shakes her head, tears streaming down her face. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

  “You played Brynn,” Sara says, “but you won’t play me. Hope you enjoy monster hell.”

  Sara doesn’t get the chance to decapitate Saffy with the blunt cleaver. Thank goodness. I mean, a blunt cleaver is a bad way to go.

  Sara screams and backs into the wall as thirty hissing cats fly into the kitchen and latch onto her skin. They claw and scratch as Sara frantically tries to throw them off.

  It’s quite comedic. I fold my arms and watch as Saffy scuttles over to me, mortified.

  “The great thing about being a vampire cat is, we’re always protected,” I say. “You know when your foster cats disappear for a while? It’s usually because they’re helping me out in battle.”

  “Oh my god… cats are killers?”

  I throw my head back and laugh. Saffy should be a comedienne. “Ah, yes! They kill for fun! Why do you think I love it so much?”

  A Savannah cat, aptly named Savannah, slinks next to me and purrs when I pat his head. I love Savannah cats. They’re the size of a dog and look like leopards. They’re smarter than the average cat and aren’t as snotty, either.

  I sense this cat is the mayor of this town. Every town has a “cat mayor” who informs the others when there’s an emergency or mouse infestation.

  “Nice to meet you, Savannah,” I say, my eyes fixed on Sara’s gruesome demise.

  “Likewise, Colt. I don’t usually come to these sorts of gatherings, but I’ve wanted to meet you for some time. That, and my humans are on vacation so it was easy to sneak away.”

  “The humans who called you Savannah?”

  “Ugh. I know. Not the slightest bit of creativity in their boring accountant bones. They buy the best brand of cat food, though, so I can’t complain.” Savannah blinks at Saffy. “This is the half-human, half-vampire cat I’ve been hearing about?”

  “This is her. Chasers and monsters are hunting her, so we’re on the run until the council get their act together.”

  Savannah flicks his tail, but doesn’t say another word. He merely meows at the cats when Sara is nothing more than an inert, bloody mess. His posse gathers before him.

  “Thanks, guys,” I say. “You helped us out.”

  They purr in response, a beautiful soothing melody. One by one, they knock their heads into my leg and leave the kitchen.

  Savannah stares at me until all the cats are gone. “I don’t think the council will reach a decision in time.”

  “What do you mean?”

  Savannah blinks again, then saunters out of the kitchen. Talk about disrespectful. Maybe I was wrong about Savannah cats. Perhaps they’re the snottiest of all.

  We follow him back into the diner, but all the cats have gone. Brynn’s hair is wild, and she’s sprawled on the floor with cat scratches on her face.

  “I didn’t do it!” Jax hovers in the corner. The other chasers are unrecognizable, covered in blood and fur.

  “I. Hate. Cats!” Brynn clenches her jaw, spit flying when she talks. “They killed my girls! And tried to kill me!”

  “Yeah, why didn’t they kill you?” I ask. “Our problems would’ve been solved.”

  Saffy glances around uneasily. “I think I might’ve accidentally tapped into them. I might’ve told them to leave Brynn alone. She’s still my sister…”

  “Half!” Brynn says. She slowly pulls herself up, bent over lower than before. “You’ll regret this, monsters! Oh. Thank you,” she says when Jax opens the door for her. She turns on her heel, glares, and hobbles out of the diner.

  “I think I’m gonna vomit.” Jax covers his nose. “All this blood…”

  “Smells good,” I say. “But we have to find Lexi. She ran out thirsty for tickles.”

  “What?” Saffy’s eyes widen. “No! We have to get to my treasure! Brynn knows where it is! She’ll steal it!”

  “She’s traveling at 0.001 miles an hour. She won’t get too far. Lexi already killed two humans; the council will be alerted. If she kills anyone else, she’ll be taken to the valley and they might take us along because we allowed it to happen. Now where would she go first?”

  Jax hangs by the door, staring into the street. “I’m gonna take a wild guess and suggest following the trail of dead bodies.”

  My heart skips a beat. “What?”

  I push him out of the way and run outside, my throat tightening when I see two bodies on the ground with pained expressions eternally imprinted on their faces. Oh crap. I shouldn’t have encouraged her to tickle the chasers, but what else was I supposed to do?

  So this is what panic feels like. I always tend to forget. I check the pulse on the bodies, but they’re long gone. It’s still early, so there aren’t a lot of people on the streets yet. I scope the area and find an old woman dead in the middle of the road. Saffy and Jax follow me across and to the gas station. By the outdoor toilets are the bodies of a janitor and a squirrel. Oh man. She really did go on a tickle rampage.

  “She killed all these people?” Saffy’s face tightens with pain. “They were innocent.”

  “Yeah, well, at least they went out laughing.” I check behind the gas station. It backs onto a forest. Of course she’s there. Leshis lure their prey into the forest… at least, they’re supposed to. Lexi just hasn’t mastered the act of subtlety.

  We follow, the daylight blocked out by trees. There’s sobbing and sniff
ling nearby.

  “Lexi, why?” Jax says softly, stepping over a set of twins.

  We continue down the slope into a clearing where at least a dozen bodies spreads out in a circle.

  Sitting in the center of the massacre is Lexi, sobbing into her lap. For some inexplicable reason, she’s wearing pillows over her clothes, attached with rope.

  “For when they punish me.” Lexi wipes away tears. “I keep the pillows and rope in my stomach for emergencies.” She vaguely pats her stomach through a pillow. “Saved them. In case. For later.” She lets out a wail. “It’s later.”

  “You’ll go to the valley for this!” On the verge of hysterics, Jax shakes all over, like he’s sitting on a vibrating chair. “Lexi, how could you? You were doing so well.”

  “It’s my nature.” Her voice is hoarse, and her face is flushed. I actually feel sorry for her. “I couldn’t help it. It’s just who I am. How are you supposed to fight something like that? You can’t fight yourself!”

  Ouch, that comment hits a little too close to home. I think of Sean and how quiet he’s been today. He must be in a state of shock. First switchers, then chasers, then a frenzied Leshi. Yep, that’s a weird series of events, even for me.

  “We have to run.” I’m a little shocked to hear myself say that. “Saffy needs to get to her treasure before Brynn. Come on, Lexi. The council won’t catch you if you keep moving. We won’t let them. We’ll get a really fast car.”

  “We need a boat to get there,” Saffy says, visibly on edge.

  I pause. That information would’ve been handy earlier in the piece. “Right, okay, we’ll deal with that in a second. Are you all right to stand, Lexi? We have to go. Like, right now.”

  “No.” She shakes her head. “I deserve this. I need to be punished.”

  “But you couldn’t help it.” Jax squats next to her. “Don’t beat yourself up. I’m constantly feeling guilty and stressed, and it’s not a life I’m proud of. Don’t stoop to my level. Accept your mistakes and move on. Please. For me?”

  “Not even for you.” Lexi takes a deep breath. “They’re coming.”

  “Who? Who’s coming?” Jax scrambles back nervously, his eyes darting from tree to tree. “Where?!”