A Matter of Fate

by Heather Lyons

  “We’re going to the movies,” Alex says, dark eyes focused laser sharp on Jonah’s arm, “to see some new foreign film Cora’s been babbling about. Meg’s going to meet us there after cheer practice.”

  Jonah rolls his eyes as Giuliana squeals. She’s so sophisticated, though, that she makes squealing a charming thing. “Is it the French movie?” she presses. “I have tried often to get Jonah here to go and see it, but he refuses me every time.” She pouts with puppy-dog eyes that can probably sway just about any man in the vicinity to do anything she asks.

  Anyone, apparently, but Jonah.

  “Would you turn me down, too?” I attempt to mimic Giuliana’s puppy-dog cuteness, but I’m positive I fail miserably.

  He asks warily, “Are you saying you want to see it?”

  “Maybe,” I lie. The truth is I have no idea what movie they’re talking about. Besides, I’m more of a romantic comedy kind of girl. “Would you go?”

  He sighs and then laughs. “I guess so, if you insisted.”

  “That is just wrong!” Giuliana gasps. “No fair!”

  Jonah shrugs, unconcerned. He’s got this great shrug that is so boyish and charming.

  Cora laughs outright, prompting Alex to say, clearly unable to stand it anymore, “I know I constantly insist I don’t care about dating statistics, but Chloe, c’mon . . . Are you two dating now?”

  This makes Cora laugh even harder. Even Karl is snickering. I blush and explain to Jonah, “Being the only guy around for a long time has not made Alex any more sympathetic toward our dating lives.”

  Alex leans forward against the table. “Yeah, but that still doesn’t answer my question.”

  I must be a mortifying shade of red now. “Fine. Yes.”

  There. Despite the fact that we’d only reconnected the day before, I’ve let everyone present know that my feelings for Jonah are serious. Because they are. Very much so.

  He squeezes my shoulder and I lean into him a little more. Jonah, for his part, seems utterly at ease with this conversation. Smug, even. But in a good way.

  “It’s about time,” Cora snarks.

  “What?” Alex asks, surprised.

  She shakes her head, exasperated. “Gods, Alex. Get your head out of a book every so often, will you? Remember those shifts?”

  He thinks about it for a moment. “Those were because of these two?”

  “Give the boy a prize,” Cora says, reaching over and stealing some of my fries. “Now, where’s the waitress?”

  Karl and I go to Jonah’s house the next morning. He’s quiet, although clearly making an effort to talk when I know he’d prefer not to. “How do you deal with your first few classes in the morning?” I ask, lounging next to him on his bed.

  He yawns. “I don’t speak.”

  “Never?”

  “Only if I get called on. And even then, it’s rare. I . . . uh . . . .” He pauses, laughing in a guilty way.

  “You what?”

  “I sort of make the teachers leave me alone. It’s just best that way.”

  I laugh and nudge his shoulder. “See? You’re a cheat. Just like I said.”

  He tries to argue the point, but I’ve got him this time, and he knows it.

  We spend all of Sunday together, part of the time at his house, part of the time hanging out in town and having lunch, and then finally ending up at my house. Karl and Giuliana are constantly present, although they try their best to stay out of our way.

  We’re sitting on my couch, watching a girly sort of movie. It was pretty cute, Jonah protested half-heartedly when I’d picked it. But I tried Giuliana’s puppy-dog eyes once more, and this time, without an audience, he totally caved in.

  We snuggle under a blanket. It’s a delicious feeling, all cozy and happy. Even still . . . “How do you think we’re going to explain this?” I murmur.

  “What, how you’ve convinced me to watch this movie?” he asks, jokingly grimacing. “You realize this will only fuel Giules, of course. She’ll never accept me saying no again.”

  “No.” I pull his arms even tighter around me. “I mean us.”

  “I’m assuming that most of your friends already know about us, thanks to Cora and Alex.”

  I had, in fact, received texts from both Lizzie and Meg demanding additional info earlier. I’d ignored them, though, knowing Cora could fill everyone in just as well as I could. And Caleb had showed up, acting like a protective big brother, demanding an introduction just a couple hours before.

  “I’m not talking about them,” I say. “I meant school. After all, most people assume . . . you know . . . that I’m . . . dating . . . uh . . . .”

  The silence between us is awkward at best before Jonah says, “Hmm. Yeah, I can see how it’ll be confusing and weird. Maybe you’ll be recommended for a daytime talk show: Girl Dates Twin Brothers at Same Time.”

  “I am not!”

  “Did you let Kel know that when you dropped him off at the airport on Friday?”

  Crap. I squirm uncomfortably. “Not exactly.”

  He lifts an eyebrow. “Not exactly?”

  “Well, no then,” I say miserably. “But I plan to as soon as I see him. I’ve thought about calling him, but it would be . . . I dunno, disrespectful. Besides, he asked for space.”

  “Fair enough,” Jonah agrees quietly. “He’d appreciate that.”

  “Are you mad?” I’m afraid to look at him, worried at what I might see.

  He sighs. “Am I disappointed that you two are technically still dating? Yes. Am I mad about it? Yes. But it is what it is.”

  We’d gone almost two days without talking about this. Two days too long for me and two days not long enough for him. “I don’t want you to be mad,” I whisper sadly.

  “Do you plan on telling him?”

  “Of course. The moment I see him.” I chew on my bottom lip, fretting. “Have you talked to him?”

  “No.” Jonah sounds tired, almost resignedly so.

  “Why?”

  “What will I say? It’s a hard thing, knowing my actions and words will only cause our rift to grow wider. And it will, Chloe. There’s no doubt about it.”

  Guilt hammers at me harder than even before. This is all my fault.

  “Look,” he says, and I twist around so we’re now facing one another, “I’m not sorry you’re here with me. I am absolutely not sorry about anything that’s happened this weekend. I will never be sorry for loving you, and I hope you feel the same way. I’m only sorry that Kellan is a casualty of the poor choices I made when we first got here. Maybe if I’d insisted on us talking that first day, none of this would be a problem.”

  He’s just said, out loud, outside of our dreams, for the first time that he loves me. I’d be positively gleeful if we weren’t discussing how I was about to smash his brother’s heart to smithereens. I take a deep breath. “I know you wanted to wait to talk about this, but I’d really like to talk to you about Kellan, about what’s happened between us.”

  He stiffens. I straddle him on the couch so he can see my face as I tell him this. I need him to see, that despite everything, I’m here with him. I want him to feel everything in me that will assure him that what I have to say will be okay. It’s tense and reluctant, but he agrees to hear me out.

  I take a deep breath. I haven’t talked about this with anyone. The closest has been with Kellan, but even then, I didn’t tell him everything. “For the last year, I’ve been . . . angry, I guess. I’ve had a hard time with the lack of choices in my life, of how everything’s already mapped out and dictated to me without anyone ever asking what it is I want. My parents have a ridiculous number of expectations about who I ought to be, how I ought to act in school, without ever clarifying said expectations. And I’d lost you. It was like the one thing that’d ever been mine, and not Fate’s, was gone. It only caused me to act out even more. Things felt as if they were closing in on me from all sides. To know I’m going to be removed from everything I know at eighteen . . . .” I p
ause, swallowing hard. “It sometimes feels like a death sentence. I was close to a breakdown when you first showed up, and when I saw you—like I said before—it was a shock. I mean, there were shifts. I didn’t know how to deal with it all. I was completely overwhelmed. Lizzie and Cora tried to talk to me about it, but I just couldn’t handle it.”

  He looks away. “You do realize that we’re connected by Fate. It’s how we were able to find each other in our dreams. I’m yours because of Fate.”

  I hadn’t thought about it this way. But I do now. And surprisingly, I’m not angry and resentful about it. It’s the first time, it feels, that Fate did me a favor. I tell him this before continuing. “The same day you arrived, I met Kellan and he looked just like you. Only he wasn’t. It was confusing and fascinating at the same time. And . . . I can’t really explain it to you, because I don’t understand it myself . . . but . . . .” Jonah nods, to encourage me to continue, but he’s clearly wary. I muster the courage to continue. “When Kellan and I first met, we connected . . . .” It’s an unfair word, especially since I’ve learned I have a legitimate Magical Connection to Jonah, but it’s the only word I can think of to describe whatever it is . . . was between his brother and me. “I can’t explain it better than that. There’s a pull . . . .” I pause, struggling now with the guts to continue.

  “Go ahead,” he says emotionlessly.

  “So I was confused. And . . . other than you . . . I mean, I have reactions to him that . . . .”

  Jonah says, almost clinically, “I think I understand.” Then he slides out from underneath me, stands up, and moves to my father’s bookcase, randomly pulling out and shoving in books.

  What if these confessions drive him away? I know I’ve got to be honest with him if we are to make this work, but what if this is all too much for him?

  He slides out a book that is upside down and shoves it back in correctly. “He loves you. Did you know that?”

  I do, but the words have never been spoken. When I don’t answer, Jonah turns and looks at me expectantly. “He’s . . . he’s never said that to me,” I stammer.

  “He’s never felt that way about anyone before, you know,” Jonah says, turning back to the bookcase. Two more books are righted on the shelf. “Will you tell me one thing?”

  I pop off the couch. Full disclosure. That’s me.

  “Do you love him?”

  I can barely breathe. I end up stammering some more, completely flustered, “I . . . I . . . .”

  When I am unable to answer anything coherently, he says flatly, “That’s what I thought.”

  “I love you!” I cry out. I’m on the verge of hand-wringing, like some chick in a historical novel. “I’ve always loved you, for as long as I can remember. I always will.” It’s the absolute truth. He’s got to feel my certainty.

  And then my cell phone rings. It’s sitting on the coffee table in front of the couch. I stare at it, refusing to answer, because we both know who it is.

  Because the screen shows us both that it’s Kellan.

  “You should get that,” Jonah says after I let it ring several times. Then he hands it over.

  I have to take a deep breath just to speak. “Hello?”

  Kellan’s words are teasing, but I can hear just how stressed he is. “Miss me yet?”

  “Of course.” As messed up as it sounds, it’s the truth.

  “So, I’m going to stay another couple days. My aunt isn’t doing well. I need to stay and help her out with something.”

  “Your aunt isn’t doing well?” I repeat for Jonah’s benefit.

  Jonah sinks down on the couch next to me and sighs heavily.

  “I can’t really go into it right now, if that’s all right.”

  “When do you think you’ll be back?” I ask, my eyes on Jonah. He’s like a statue, he’s so still.

  “What’s today, Sunday? Probably mid-week.”

  It’ll be best to talk to him as soon as possible in person, even if it’ll kill me to do so. “Can I pick you up from the airport?”

  A long pause. “Sure,” he says, but he does not sound sure.

  “Kellan,” I begin, but he cuts me off.

  “I can’t do this right now, Chloe. I’m sorry . . . . ut, I just can’t.”

  I close my eyes and fight with the lump in my throat. “Okay.”

  There is a gulf between us, deeper and farther than simply the miles between California and Maine. But he manages, far too generously, “I’ve missed you, though. I can tell you that much.”

  Remorse and sadness fills me up. Jonah senses this, and despite the hurt he must be feeling at the moment, reaches out and takes my hand. It’s not enough, not by far, but I say, “Thank you,” to both of them.

  “Will you do something for me?” Kellan asks quietly.

  How can I deny him? “Of course.”

  “Jonah and I aren’t talking, which you’ve probably figured out. It’s just . . . this is all such a mess.” I can hear in his voice that this is hard for him to say. “But I was wondering . . . this is tough for me to ask of you, especially you, but . . . even still . . . .” I wait, tense and sad. “You should go talk to him. I think it’s time.”

  “You want me to talk to Jonah?” I repeat, stunned. Jonah’s hand grips mine a little tighter.

  “Chloe, I know I’m probably committing suicide here. Don’t think I’m not terrified of what may or may not happen. But . . . this is my brother, my twin brother. I love the guy, I . . . I love you . . . .” he says, ever so softly, “And things can’t keep going like this.”

  I am beyond queasy. Kellan’s finally said, out loud, that he loves me. And it’s done while I’m holding hands with his brother, as well as planning on how best to break up with him.

  I’m pretty much back to hating Fate at this moment.

  “I mean, if you’re not willing, if you still don’t feel ready, I will understand,” he continues. “But sooner or later it’s got to happen. All of us need to see where the chips lie.”

  Trying to blink back the major rush of tears doesn’t help at all. They snake out and drip down in salty trails of betrayal.

  “Are you crying?” Kellan asks through the static of miles.

  “No,” I lie, but I figure he knows I am. I’m snuffling loudly enough.

  Kellan clears his throat. “Look, I gotta go. I think I need a little more space, just these last few days, if it’s alright, so no calls, please.” Once I promise to do so, he adds, “I’ll email you my flight itinerary soon. Think about what I said. It won’t be hard to find him.”

  I stare at the phone for a long time after he hangs up. Should I have told him that Jonah was here with me already? How did this get so, so messy? “He wants us to talk.” Jonah doesn’t respond, so I ramble on. “He misses you.”

  The pain on Jonah’s face is clear as day. He misses his brother, too.

  Chapter 32

  Classes don’t start for another fifteen minutes, so Jonah and I, alongside the Cousins, settle down on some benches outside. I try my best to leave some space between me and Jonah, but it’s hard. I end up sitting on my hands.

  I’d initially argued that since we are a couple, we should act like a couple, but Jonah suggested we lay low until I’ve had my talk with Kellan. We eventually compromised by agreeing that staying apart at school is unnecessary, but we’d try our hardest to be on our best behavior around others. At home, well, that’s a different story.

  The Cousins are studying us like we’re the main act at the circus. Graham comes over after a few minutes and slouches down next to Lizzie on the bench. He doesn’t appear to be surprised to see Jonah sitting next to me, which makes sense when Lizzie says, “FYI, I prepped Graham ahead of time about you two, so . . . .”

  Judging by Jonah’s tense wariness, I’m guessing Kellan never got around to telling Jonah about the Graham debacle.

  Flipping fantastic.

  Jonah turns slowly and looks at me. Expectantly. I know exactly what he’s silentl
y asking, and it’s more than whether or not Graham cares about who I’m dating. “Well, Graham sort of knows about . . . us.”

  “Us.”

  Alex mutters something under his breath and stands up. “Good luck with this, Chloe,” he says, saluting me. And then he and Meg leave, arm in arm, which of course makes me want to ask someone about it, but since Jonah is still expecting an answer . . . .

  Lizzie’s totally panicked now. “Didn’t Kellan tell you?”

  But Jonah doesn’t look at her. He’s looking at me.

  Coward she is, Cora jumps to her feet. “Er, I think I’ll go join those two.” And then she flees.

  Jonah sighs heavily. “What exactly did my brother fail to tell me?”

  “Uh,” Graham begins, but Jonah holds out a hand.

  I scratch at my head. “Just that . . . you know. Graham knows now, since he and Lizzie are dating and all.”

  Now Jonah turns to look at Graham.

  “I’m the one who told,” Lizzie offers quickly. “Not Chloe.”

  Graham attempts to assure Jonah of his loyalties, which goes fine until he mentions the promises he’s already given Kellan. This prompts another question to me. “So Kel’s in on this?”

  “I wouldn’t say he’s in on it. But he knows, yes.” But the damage is done. Complicity is assumed.

  “To just what extent is Graham’s knowledge?”

  “Pretty much everything,” I admit.

  I’m met with heavy, disapproving silence.

  “I won’t tell,” Graham says quietly. “I know the risks.”

  Jonah’s gaze swivels to him, but he remains silent.

  Graham continues, “And I had your brother make it so I’ll never be able to reveal Lizzie’s secrets. So, no worries, man. It’s all good.”

  Jonah grows even stiller. I’m reminded of what an eye in a storm is like. Completely calm. Sunny, even. “You realize this is extremely risky, right? Considering everything that’s going on?”

  “I know,” I say a tad defensively.

  “I don’t think you do, though.” He pinches the bridge of his nose. “If this gets out, no matter how much influence my brother and I have over the Guard, you’ll most likely be sent away. Lizzie will be severely punished. And that’s only the beginning.”