**********
The porch light was on, but the rest of the apartment was dark. I wondered if Emmi had gone somewhere with Zoe and I was feeling disappointed when I opened the front door. When I walked into the entryway the first thing I saw was Emmi. She was lying on the tile floor in a fetal position and at first I thought she must have fallen when she came in the door. My heart was in my throat as I knelt down next to her and that was when I saw that stupid, fucking MMA contract. She must have seen that I signed it and thought I’d lied to her.
“Emmi? Emmi, talk to me please, what’s going on?” She had her eyes open but she was pale and I could see her trembling like she was cold.
She finally answered me, sounding like an asthmatic in the middle of an attack with wheezy breaths and she had to force out one word at a time to get a sentence out.
It sounded like, “Having---A----Panic----Attack,” ---Big wheeze.
Shit!
“Emmi, have you had these before?”
She nodded and said, “In---High---School,” ---Wheeze…
“Emmi, listen to me, okay? My mom used to have these, a lot. I went with her to some classes and seminars and learned how to help her control them. I also learned how to help her calm down in the middle of one. Just let me help you, okay?” She nodded. “The first thing I need you to do is control your breathing, okay? Don’t suck it in and don’t forget to breathe it out. Take a slow, deep breath and fill your lungs completely. There you go, now breathe it all out, let whatever you’re feeling go with it, okay?”
Emmi was trying to do what I told her to. Her breaths were still shallow and that was why she was so pale, she was hyperventilating. She was trying though so we needed to stick with it.
She nodded again and I said, “Whatever you’re thinking that’s causing this, you have to stop right now, okay? Tell yourself to stop, think about something else, anything. The thoughts that are going round and round in your head are what’s making this worse. Think about something happy, something positive. Let that thought replace the ones that are causing you to feel so bad. Is this helping? Are you feeling better?” She didn’t answer me, so I kept talking, “Okay just keep breathing, concentrate on that too. Deep breath in, fill your lungs up before you let it out. Hold on to it for a few seconds and then push it all back out again. While you do that tell yourself that everything is going to be all right. I know this is a scary feeling and my mom used to say it felt like she was going to die. If that’s what you’re thinking, Emmi, get it out of your head. Whatever got you upset is temporary, it’ll pass; you’re going to be okay. Tell yourself, I've gotten through these panic attacks before and I can get through it again, I’m fine, everything is fine. You’re so strong. You’re one of the strongest people I know.”
I could tell that her breathing had evened out and was returning to normal. She wasn’t shaking anymore, so that was good. I wanted to put my arms around her, but I didn’t want to do anything to restrict the air flow that she was finally getting into her lungs.
Finally, after about ten minutes she said, “It’s better, I’m okay.” She wasn’t wheezy anymore and it didn’t sound like she had to force the words out any longer. I could even see color returning to her face.
“Good, I’m gonna help you up, okay?” She nodded again. “You don’t feel dizzy or light-headed, do you?”
“No, I’m okay.”
“Just hold on to me, just in case.”
I put my arm under one of her arms and around her back and helped her stand up. We went into the living room and sat down. I tried to keep my arm around her but she pulled away.
“What happened, Emmi?” I thought I probably already knew since the MMA contract had been lying at her feet.
“You signed it,” she said. Her eyes were sad, accusing and wet in the corners with tears that she was trying to hold back.
“Yeah, I did sign it. But I told him no. I know it’s hard to understand, but I just really needed to sign it, it made me feel confident, it confirmed that I was good enough. I signed it right before I went to the fight. It was motivational, I guess. But I meant what I’ve said to you more than once; I don’t want to do this forever. After I win this tournament, I’m done. I promise you that you don’t have to worry about any offers anyone will ever give me. I’m done.”
Her entire face changed. That was what she must’ve needed to hear. She put her arms around me and then she kissed me. It was soft and sweet like her, and then she whispered, “I’m sorry, I just can’t stand the thought of you getting in that cage over and over. I just love you too much.”
God, I loved hearing her say that, it was like music to my ears.
“Don’t be sorry. I should have explained it to you before you saw it like that. I know it’s weird, but for so long my self-confidence was so low that I developed ways to make it better. It’s embarrassing to even talk about.”
“Don’t be embarrassed. You’re not the one that was just curled in a fetal position on the floor,” she said and chuckled. She wiped away the tears with the back of her hand and then her eyes slowly looked up at me.
“There’s nothing to be embarrassed about for you either. I love you, Emmi. Good times or bad, I love you. Let’s go to bed and sleep this off.”
“Good plan,” she told me and kissed me again, gently wrapping her arms around me.
After we both got ready for bed, we slipped under the comforter. My body was sore and it felt good to be lying down against the cool sheets, against Emmi. It was nice not to be so beat up that I couldn’t get comfortable though. Emmi had turned her back to me and snuggled in. Instant comfort. I loved the feel of her curves against my body. I put my arm across her waist and my face in her hair and breathed in her fresh scent. I fell asleep thinking I could lay like that forever.
CHAPTER NINE
EMMI
I woke up wrapped in Braxton’s arms. It was such a warm, safe feeling that I snuggled back into him and thought about going back to sleep. God, it felt so good to lay there next to him. He was still sleeping soundly, I could tell by the pattern of his breathing as I felt his chest rise and fall against my back. The poor guy had to be awfully sore after his fight, and then to come home and find me the way he did. I was embarrassed by that. He handled it well though, talking me through it. The fact that he said he’d been through it with his mom lots of times made me a little less self-conscious about it. Sometimes he could be such an enigma. When I thought back to the first time I met him and he was angry with me for interrupting him getting it on with some chick, I would have never imagined what a giant heart he had beating inside of his sexy chest. I thought he was just another full of himself player…boy was I wrong.
I didn’t want to get up but my mouth felt like it was full of cotton. I needed a drink. I tried to slip out of bed unnoticed. I didn’t want to wake him up. As I slid from under his arm he tightened his grip. It was sweet, but he was also damn strong and I wasn’t going to be able to slip out easily like I thought. I had to wriggle one arm free and use my hand to hold his arm up a little while I skated out. He stirred, but he didn’t wake up. I just stood looking at him for a few minutes, thinking about how lucky I was that he loved me. I wanted to kiss him, but I told myself to let him sleep and save it for later.
I went into the kitchen and grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge. I downed the whole thing while I was still standing there with the door open. I was definitely dehydrated. As I kicked the door closed and thought about making some breakfast, I remembered Zoe. First of all I never called her last night. She didn’t call me either, so I assumed that meant she’d had a lot of fun. I hoped she wasn’t mad at me, but I was sure she would understand when I told her what happened. She was present for a few of my big ones in high school, so she knew that sometimes they just take control of me. Thank God they were few and far between. If I had to go through that every day I’d be a basket case.
Zoe and I were also supposed to have breakfast. Some new French Bakery had ju
st opened up down the street from the school and she’d been dying to try it. I looked at the clock, it was eight-thirty. I had planned on her picking me up at nine.
I picked up my phone and texted her, “Are we still on for breakfast?”
She texted right back, “Yeah, if you’re not going to blow me off again.” I knew she wasn’t too mad because she included a smiley face.
“I’m sorry. Had a panic attack.”
“Oh shit! Why? Did Braxton do something?”
I laughed out loud. “No. Braxton is amazing. I’ll tell you when I see you. What time will you be here?”
“Nine?”
“Pushing it a little.”
“I’m hungry!”
I laughed again. “Okay, I’ll hurry.”
I went into my room and gathered my clothes and things for the shower. It was the first glance I’d gotten of myself since the previous night. I was kind of a scary sight. Braxton really must’ve loved me if I looked that bad sitting on the floor and he didn’t run screaming from the apartment.
I shook my head and sighed when I pushed open the bathroom door. Braxton got undressed for bed in the bathroom the night before and the T-shirt and jeans he’d been wearing were still lying right where he had dropped them. I got undressed and dropped mine on top of his. I decided that I would just put them all in the hamper when I was done. Men…
I knew Zoe was going to be there soon and give me a hard time about not being ready yet, but I needed to shave my legs. Plus, the water felt good on my muscles that were still tense from the night before. Sometimes when I had a panic attack I felt almost like I worked out the night before. I guess it was just from holding all my muscles tight for so long.
I stayed in the shower too long but by the time I turned off the water and started drying off I knew it had been worth it. I felt like a new woman. I dried my face and hair a little before I stepped out to get another towel for my body. When I did, I realized that there wasn’t another towel hanging on the rack by the sink. I would probably blame Braxton for that too and smiled thinking about it.
I wrapped the towel I had around my head and stepped over to the linen closet to grab a towel. Ow! Shoot! What the hell was that? I looked down and saw that I had stepped on my T-shirt and Braxton’s jeans. There must have been something underneath them. I bent to pick them up and realized that it wasn’t underneath them; it was something hard in the pocket of his jeans.
I thought about just leaving it alone. But…I was going to throw them in the hamper and I didn’t want whatever it was to get ruined. I decided that it wasn’t snooping if he left them lying right in the middle of the bathroom floor. I stuck my hand in the pocket and when I did, a little box fell out and hit the floor. I stood there staring at it for a long time. It was a white velvet box like the ones engagement rings come in. I finally wrapped the towel around me and sat my nearly naked butt down on the rug. Why would Braxton be carrying around an engagement ring?
Maybe it was not a ring. Maybe it was his sister’s birthday and he got her some earrings or something. Maybe he got me a pair of earrings or something. They sell other small things at the jewelry store besides rings. There was no way we were anywhere near the point of even thinking about marriage. I had to be right about the gift for Callie, or for me, I thought with a smile. I was smug in my belief of that, right until I flipped open the box.
The inside of the box was white velvet too and it was surrounded by the prettiest white gold ring with a solitary diamond on top that I had ever seen. The diamond sparkled under the fluorescent light of the bathroom. It really was gorgeous. I didn’t know much about diamonds, but this one was cut in an odd shape, kind of like an octagon. It wasn’t huge, but it was definitely not tiny either. It was one carat or two…I had no idea. I did know that it was good sized and whatever the carat, this must have set him back a few thousand dollars at least, maybe more. So why was he carrying it around in the pocket of his jeans? Why did he have it in the first place? Maybe he was holding it for a friend. Surely he wasn’t thinking about proposing, was he?
There was a knock on the bathroom door suddenly. It startled me and I jumped. I suddenly felt like a criminal sitting there naked, with a diamond ring in my hand. I was also afraid that I was about to find out what the ring was for and I wasn’t sure that I was ready for that.
“Yeah?” I yelled.
“Hey, beautiful. You’ve been in there a really long time, are you okay?” Sure, I was fine. Just sitting on the floor naked looking at the gorgeous diamond ring you had in your pocket.
Trying to keep my voice even I said, “Yeah, I’m fine, just getting out of the shower.”
“Can I come in?”
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