It Happens Between Stops

by Mattie Lennon

  Accelerating the bus past Mach three, John knew he might end up in the office for speeding, but he didn’t care. Not now they were trying to restrict his travel entitlements.

  Nodding at another driver whizzing past he noticed a passenger stood next to him; face like thunder, glaring through the field separating them.

  ‘Bloody service,’ the passenger snarled, thumping the barrier, ‘good for nothing...’

  Flicking a switch, a field, complete with sound damper, enveloped the irate traveller.

  Smiling, John realised change was not all bad.

  THAT IS WHERE WE ARE ALL HEADED

  Scotty Sturgeon

  How many of us take newspapers for granted? In this modern sophisticated age, with consumer protection etc, one is seldom fooled, but not so long ago, the statement that “all that is in print is true” was widely accepted. Take a full page advertisement from the Irish Independent of December 4th 1929 for example. The ad was for “Whites electric Comb” which was claimed to “restore dead hair roots.” Only those whose head was like a billiard ball could not be helped. Although the user felt nothing the comb passed “millions of electric waves from hair root to hair root...” Waking them up and bringing them to life. Just like pouring life-giving water to parched soil.

  Dandruff is stopped within three days. Straight hair takes on a natural wave. The hair already on your head becomes strong and full of light and colour. New hair grows from old dead roots. Bald patches are quickly covered. Greyness disappears as the new hair grows. In a few weeks the hair is only grey at the ends and full of colour right down each hair to the root. As it grows you “cut the greyness off.”

  The comb’s electricity came from a little battery in the handle and the manufacturer supplied a little testing-bulb so that one could ascertain whether the current was “on or off.” The ad asked pertly “Are you in the least bit doubtful?” stating that 120,000 satisfied customers were, until they sampled the product. The comb could be purchased for ten shillings, or one pound for the Deluxe gold plated model.

  But who would be so silly to swallow such a ridiculous story. In 1929 very few Irish people knew anything at all about electricity; the rural electrification scheme for example caused much wonder and bewilderment when it came in 1946. The technology required to place a pencil-thin battery in a comb was hardly available then, so one has to assume the Whites of London were hoaxers.

  Deceit of course is universal. When I was a lad the girls in our neighbourhood had a maxim which warned against deceit in prospective suitors, “Beware of men whose eyebrows meet, for in their hearts is found deceit.” Another maxim however thankfully ruled out that one, it was, “Love is blind” and consequently many gentlemen with interlocking eyebrows found little difficulty in obtaining spouses.

  Deceit has been advantageous to some and misfortune to others since the dawn of time. Even in the Bible, the first reference to a relationship or partnership, that of Adam and Eve,was disrupted by deceit. Deceit is the camouflage of poachers, the finesse of safe-crackers, the expertise of smugglers and the polished tool of every confidence trickster imaginable.

  Perhaps deceit has never been recognised as such. Take for example a work of expressionistic art submitted to the Tate Gallery in London in 1972 by one Carl Andre. In 1965 Andre bought 120 bricks from a brickyard, arranged them in a low pile on the floor of the art gallery, and priced them at 12,000 dollars, he had no customers.

  He was short of money so he returned the bricks to the brick-yard and received a refund of what he had paid for them. In 1972 a director of the Tate Gallery saw a photo of the exhibit and offered the gallery the required amount for them. The Tate Trustees had approved the purchase in the normal manner. Delighted Andre returned to the brickyard only to find it closed, but he managed to find more bricks and in due course sent them to London with instructions for their assembly.

  The sculpture was made up of 120 bricks since Andre stated “120 is the number richest in factors,” and were catalogued in the Tate as “120 firebricks, purchased from the John Weber Gallery N.Y. 1972.”

  Some questions however remained unanswered, despite the furore the bricks caused in the media at the time. Could the sculpture be considered a fake since the bricks were not the ones originally exhibited? Was the whole affair a deliberate publicity stunt to draw crowds to the gallery? The crowds did come.

  With regard to further deceit in art Van Dyck, the Flemish painter only actually painted seventy pictures; over 2,000 of his “Works” have been sold. Such is the expertise of the master forger that even highly acknowledged experts were duped. In 1935 five American millionaires paid an average 300,000 dollars apiece for the Mona Lisa, without it ever leaving the Louvre. Thirty of Van Gogh’s paintings in European galleries have been found to be forgeries.

  Deceit or not the master forger has always commanded a certain amount of respect among the common people. The Dutch painter Hans Van Meegeren is a good example of a forger come folk hero. His paintings were so good he fooled many leading art dealers and collectors including Hermann Goering. When arrested in 1947, as a Nazi collaborator on the grounds he had sold Goering the famous painting, Christ and the Adulteress, by Vermeer, he admitted it was a master fake. Chemical and x-ray examination proved his statement true and while in prison he painted another Vermeer, Jesus in the Temple to further prove his point.

  Then there was Warren Madill who sold “Old Masters” for as little as one hundred pounds in London. Madill always claimed he never made a dishonest penny in his life, selling his fakes for what they were in his aptly named Fine Art Fake shop near Regents Park.

  Finally, the American evangelist Arthur Blesset who toured the world lugging a life sized cross everywhere with him and getting locked up, stoned, and beaten for his trouble. He claimed while converting South American heathens he trained a local parrot to recite passages from the New Testament in Spanish. He planned to release the parrot in the jungle to teach the holy writ to all the other parrots.

  “Imagine it,” he said, “the whole jungle full of parrots singing God’s praise.”

  His plans floundered when a low flying aircraft spraying mosquitoes infected his feathered friend, which eventually keeled over without passing on any of the good news.

  This story is unequalled, surely, in the annals of parrot anecdote.

  THE HOUSE

  Thomas Carroll

  Iarrived at 2.20 PM in the afternoon at No. 22 Ailesbury Road. The autumn sun was illuminating the front windows of the two storey Georgian house. The estate agent had not yet arrived. I was here one hour ahead of schedule. I wanted to get a feel for the exterior first because it gives you a good idea of the condition of the interior. The previous owner was a writer and dealer in fine art. He certainly liked plants; the front garden was absolutely beautiful. A Japanese maple tree was beginning to change leaf colour from green to deep red. The red brick of the house looked warm in the October sunshine. I peered in through one of the front windows – all the furniture had been removed except for an old writer’s bureau. I could hardly wait for the estate agent to arrive. I wanted desperately to explore this fine house.

  Finally, at 3.35 PM the lady arrived. “Hi Mr. O’Hagen; dreadfully sorry to have kept you waiting,” she said.

  “Oh don’t worry; I’ve been looking at the magnificent front garden. It truly is a superb residence,” I said.

  “I’m delighted to hear to you say that Mr. O’Hagen. Well we better go inside,” she said turning the key and opening the front door. There was a nice smell of fresh ground coffee. Someone must have made it so that the aroma would filter throughout the house. I knew this old estate agent trick, having bought several houses over the years. The hall was very impressive, especially the fine stairs which was wide enough for three people to walk side by side. I looked up at the window at the top of the stairs – sunlight was streaming in and casting a nice light on the burgundy coloured walls.

  I wanted to say that I’d buy the house there
and then. But I thought it would be better to get a proper guided view so as to fully appreciate the place. The living room was quite big. I imagined that a large dining room table would look well in the middle of the room. It would be perfect for entertaining guests and my wife Anne would enjoy the freedom that space gives.

  “As you can see Mr O’Hagen just off the dining room is the kitchen which is much larger than you would find in a new house. So if you like cooking, you will have ample space to create that dish of your dreams,” she said with a smile.

  “As a matter of fact I do like to cook and so does my wife Anne,” I said.

  “Shall we go upstairs and take a look at the bedrooms,” she said. The view from the master bedroom was terrific. You could see the whole front garden and the sea which was no more than a quarter mile away. No problem in fitting a king-size bed in this lovely room. I knew immediately this was the house of my dreams. My wife Anne would be delighted with it! In the end I bought the house and everything has worked out perfectly.

  WHEN ALL ROADS LED TO TARA

  John Cassidy

  How far back can the beginning of our road system be traced? Few travellers by road from Belfast or Galway realise that for part of the way at least, they are using the road along which Cuchulain drove his fiery chariot. When we think of ancient roads we think of the Famous “Rome Roads.” In view of this it is interesting to note that the Romans borrowed most of their words for wheeled vehicles from the Celtic languages and their knowledge and use of these aids to transport were also borrowed. It is possible that even the accepted term “Roman Road” was a development of an original Celtic idea.

  That ancient Irish were well supplied with roads we learn from our ancient literature and from the Brehon Laws where many rules for making and repairing roads were laid down. Those roads were not like our present hard smooth roads but neither were they mere tracks. They were constructed according to knowledge and needs of the period, sometimes laid with wood and stone, sometimes not, but always wide and level enough for chariot and horse traffic.

  There were, in fact, seven different kinds of roads, which were classified according to their size and purpose. The largest or main roads were called Sliges. There were five of these and they all led from Tara in County Meath to the adjoining provinces. A Slige, we are told, was made for the passing of chariots by each other, for the meeting of two chariots of the largest size, a Kings chariot and a Bishop’s chariot, so that each might go freely past the other.

  The next in size was a Ramut, it was an open space or way that led to the forts of Kings and every owner whose land came up to it was bound to cleanse his own part of it. Next we come to the Bothar, the word in general use at the present day for a road. We read that ‘two cows fit on it, one lengthwise ways and one athwart; their calves and their yearlings fit on it along with them i.e. each calf walking beside its mother for if the calves were behind them the cow that followed would gore the calf in front of her.

  A Rot was a small road with no fence. It was made for the horses of a mansion and there was room on it for a one-horse chariot. A Set was smaller than a Rot, a path for one animal, wide enough for a single cow or horse.

  Lastly we have the tuaghrota, and the imrota. The former was a farmer’s road, such as he makes when he is permitted or buys a right of way from his farm to a nearby main road, or to a mountain for the convenience of sending cattle to graze on it, or for bringing home turf. The latter was a small by-road made for the convenience of communication, or to connect two main roads.

  The five main roads which led from Tara are frequently mentioned in ancient manuscripts, and we can form a fairly accurate picture of their routes. The Slige Asail ran from Tara due west towards Lough Oriel in Westmeath and divided the Kingdom of Meath into two equal parts, north and south. The Slige Midhluachra extended northwards towards Slane, north of the Boyne and on through the Moyry Pass, north of Dundalk, and round the base of Slieve Fuaidh, near the present Newtown Hamilton in County Armagh to the Palace of Emain.

  The Slige Mor [Great Highway] led south west from Tara, till it joined the Esker Riadha [a long natural wavy ridge, formed of gravel] running across almost the whole Country from Dublin to Galway and divided it in half somewhere near Clonard. Besides these five great Highways which are constantly referred to, in the Annals and other old documents notice numerous individual roads. In the Annals of the ‘’Four Masters’’ there are 37 ancient roads mentioned with the general name Bealach , nearly all with the descriptive epithets, e.g. Bealagh Mugha, better known as Ballymoon near Carlow.

  STARLIGHT

  Ronnie Hickey

  A MATTER OF SPACE

  Thomas Carroll

  In Earth time they had been voyaging for 20 centuries through the vast cosmos. They came from a galaxy so distant that it is not observable even with the Hubble space telescope. They were now approaching earth and had made the long journey to help us in our efforts to achieve world peace. The year is 2020 and the world is teetering on the verge of outright nuclear holocaust. China has threatened to use nuclear weapons in its bid to take control of Japan and Korea. A ten megawatt nuclear device has already been detonated in the Sea of Japan causing serious pollution to the mainland. The USA has come to the aid of Japan by deploying a large air and sea presence. Seven Trident submarines, each with a nuclear attack capacity ten times that of the Hiroshima bomb, are situated 35 miles out to sea. Six aircraft carriers, each with a complement of three hundred fighter jets and powerful surface to air missiles are positioned 40 miles from Japan’s coastline.

  Now the alien craft was within 10 million miles of planet earth. The commander of the great ship checked to see if his invisibility shield was activated. A flashing orange light told him it was. “Proceed at half speed” he said in a deep voice. Earth’s radar system would not detect the massive ship because the material it was constructed from would not show up on any human radar system. The commander viewed the blue planet on his screen and gave the command for the great ship to spread out [break up]. In an instant the giant space ship had become six smaller craft; each of which was invisible and could move at incredible speeds in any direction. The commander and his chosen aliens were in craft number one which was now cruising at two thousand feet over the Hudson River in New York. Of course no humans could see the ship; it was totally invisible and completely silent.

  China’s military bases and her cities could be annihilated in a matter of thirty minutes or less. Therefore the situation on earth looks very uncertain, peace hangs in the balance. It is known that the Chinese have long-range missiles armed with nuclear warheads aimed at prominent American and European cities. World war three is about to begin.

  The space travellers who are now landing their large space craft in a remote region of the South Pole have been observing mankind for many centuries by the use of special invisible probes orbiting the earth. They have seen how the human race has developed into what it is today a greedy, war mongering species intent on destroying not only itself but the entire planet. The aliens have seen how little humans have learned from history. Now these other life-forms have come from deep space to prevent mankind from self-destruction. The extraterrestrials realise their mission must be successful because time is running out for human peace. They know that contact must be made with the leaders of both the USA and China. The creatures also realise that this revelation will come as both a shock and a surprise, the entire world will focus on the strange visitors.

  The Aliens have evaded all radar and military tracking devices by using far superior technology they have remained invisible. They are able to silence the sound of their craft’s powerful engines. For three days and nights the Aliens have monitored the situation in the north Pacific by sending out smaller spacecraft to obtain visuals of human activity on both land and sea. Again these smaller space ships have remained invisible so that a complete reconnaissance has been achieved. The tension is high and the extraterrestrials know that a full scale nuclear war
could begin at any moment. They communicate through computers so that we can understand them – an altogether satisfactory process, since our own electronic equipment is capable of phenomenal processing speed. “We must act fast. Don’t you think Commander Vollex?” a serious faced alien asked.

  “Obviously it is our intergalactic duty to save the human race from destruction. They are still at a primitive stage in their development as a species. We have no other choice but to intervene.” said Vollex. “If we make our presence known to the US government they will accept our offer of assistance.”

  The USA is the first government to be contacted because they have had more contact than any other government with life forms from outer space. The US are delighted that these extraterrestrials have become involved in the struggle to save planet earth. The Japanese are also relieved that these strange beings are going to be on their side. As far as the Japanese are concerned the gods have answered their prayers. However, the Chinese government are not impressed with the intervention of the extraterrestrials. The Chinese explain to the aliens that this matter is none of their business and that interfering with events here on earth is not on. The Chinese want to take over Japan and Korea, thereby creating a gigantic superpower in the Far East. The Chinese threaten the aliens with a nuclear attack unless they are allowed to go ahead with their plans. But this threat is futile because the alien spaceship is invisible and its location is still secret. Commander Vollex sat in his big command chair facing the big screen observing the beauty of planet Earth. Today it looked particularly blue and he could clearly make out the great area which China occupied. His webbed right hand slid open a red cover which concealed the ship’s lethal weapon – a laser guided nuclear device which was three thousand times stronger than any nuclear war head on Earth. “We must consider carefully the implications of destroying China. It would appear their government are unwilling to co-operate in a peaceful settlement. What a shame we will have to destroy 1.2 billion people all because of 10 war mongers!” Vollex said in his mind communicator. The assembled crew nodded in sad agreement. The anger of the Chinese increases when they discover that none of their nuclear armed missiles will launch because their computer controlled attack and defence systems have been completely crippled by a laser signal sent from the alien ship.