by Daiko, SC
He shrugged. “Only way for them to get it out of their systems. When they’re coked-up, they often fight. Joe and Mike will step in before it gets out of hand.” Jake rubbed his forehead. “I should have kept a closer eye on the boys but I had business to attend to. ChiMera isn’t just a band but a record label. My bad. Glastonbury is rife with white powder…”
My head spun with the revelation. Shock ricocheted around my brain and I let out a gasp. “Do you have any evidence Axel has used?”
Camila said she’d seen it with her own eyes.
Jake blew out a breath. “I know him. Know the signs.”
I clutched my stomach, my palms sweaty and my fingers twitchy. “Well, I’m gonna ask him outright.” My voice had come out harsh because I hadn’t cooled it down yet “Camila told me before the concert that she’d noticed something at Wembley which made her believe the guys were using.”
Jake whirled around, his jaw dropping. “She did what?”
“She decided to enlighten me about Axel. Apparently, she’d seen him leave my suite early the other morning. I think she wanted to warn me off him.” My cheeks burned. “She also told me she knew Ella had been shooting up.”
“Bloody hell.” His face had turned ashen. “Why the fuck didn’t she tell us?”
“You need to talk to her, just like I need to talk to Axel.”
I still wanted to believe he was clean.
So. Fucking. Much.
Jake shook his head. “He lied to us about you. Said you were only his muse. What makes you think he’ll tell the truth now?”
“We love each other.”
It sounded so dumb.
Like it was that simple.
“I’m going to his dressing room,” I said with determination.
Jake looked me up and down. “Yes, you do that. I’ll go look for Camila.”
My confidence faltered.
I left the tent my insides quivering.
But, I pressed my lips tight.
Act like the mythical bird in Axel’s song, I told myself.
But I felt more like Icarus.
My firebird wings had melted because I’d flown too close to the sun.
Axel
Mike pulled me away from the guys and led me to my dressing room. “Don’t tell me you’re snorting coke again,” he said, lifting his chin.
The air was heavy between us, heavy with words unsaid. His eyes met mine, and they were so sad.
“Just the once.” I averted my gaze, pulling off my wet t-shirt. “I’ve got it under control.”
“Yeah, sure.” He shook his head, his expression stony. “I’ll believe it when I see it.”
“Believe it.” I shifted my weight from one foot to the other. “I was on edge before the interview. So, I snorted a couple of lines with the guys.”
He clicked open the first aid kit on the table in my tent, extracted a wad of cotton wool and poured antiseptic onto it. “They got the powder here, I presume?”
I nodded. “There’s none left. You can search their tent, if you like.”
“I’ll do that.” He wiped the cut on my cheek I’d gotten when Foxy had punched me, and the sting made me flinch. “The copter will be here soon to take us to Bristol airport for the flight home, remember,” he said.
“I want to go find Phoenix.” I reached for a sweatshirt and swiped a hand through my hair. “See if she’s okay.”
“No need for that,” Mike grimaced, indicating toward the tent flap. “She’s here.”
My eyes snapped to where his gaze had landed.
Fuck.
Her face was a picture of misery.
She knew.
She fucking knew.
Bloody Jake must have told her.
“I’m so sorry,” I said on a long exhale, my forehead creasing. “I fell off the wagon…”
She made a noise in her throat, half-way between a sob and a groan, and the sound panged in my gut. “You promised you were clean, and I believed you,” she cried out.
I waved Mike off and went up to her.
She took a step back.
“I didn’t lie,” I muttered, defensive. “Today was the first time since I went into rehab.”
“Why?” Her voice had gone quiet.
“I was feeling depressed.” I drew my brows together. “Had to give that damned interview then perform when all I wanted to do was flip everyone the bird.” I stepped forward and placed my hand on her arm.
She shook my hand off. “I’m disappointed in you Axel.”
“Goddammit, Firebird. I’m only human. In any case, it won’t happen again so it’s no big deal.” I deliberately softened my expression. “It’s nothing for you to worry about, baby.”
“Huh,” she huffed. “Don’t patronize me. We both know that you’re an addict. Jake and Mike were keeping drugs away from you the entire tour. All it took was availability when you were feeling low and you gave in.”
“I’m not addicted. Before, when I used to indulge, my septum never burned through, so I wasn’t such a heavy user.” I set my jaw. “I had it under control then and I’ll keep it under control now.”
“You went into fucking rehab.” Her eyes had welled with tears. “And you’ve just admitted to me that you’re intending to use again.”
She was fucking killing me.
Making me feel like a total shit.
“It was a slip of the tongue. I meant I’d already kept it under control.” I held up my hands. “I swear to you I won’t do it again. It was just a one-off.”
She knuckled the tears from her eyes. “I know things are bad for you at the moment. Dealing with your dad. Wanting closure for Ella. All the pressure of touring. But you don’t need the crutch of drugs. They just make you worse.”
“Ha, I’ve listened to The Verve too.” I reached for her hand and this time she let me take it. “I need your help, baby. I need you.”
We were standing toe to toe. She opened her mouth, seeming about to say something, then closed it again.
“I’m so sorry,” I repeated like it was a mantra.
I wanted to crush her to me and kiss her, but I wasn’t sure how she’d react. Instead, I stared down at her and she stared up at me, her green eyes bruised with hurt.
Pain pierced my belly.
How could I have been such a fucking wanker?
There was no excuse for what I’d done.
Firebird had the worry of her mum’s cancer and she never complained.
She was strong and capable and I loved her for it.
I was about to tell her so, but the tent flap opened and Jake came in. “Helicopter to the airport is here,” he grunted. “As soon as we’ve taken off from Bristol, I want to call a band meeting.” His mouth twisted. “Set some things straight.”
“I’ll go change into my travelling clothes,” Phoenix said, smoothing down her sparkly black dress.
She shot me a look of pure disdain, then turned on her heel.
I gazed after her, my breath raw in my throat.
23
We left the UK in the early hours, heading for a refuel at JFK before flying on to LAX.
I sat next to Jake, occasionally stealing glances at Firebird, who was resolutely ignoring me. She’d hung out with Hayley at the airport before we departed … usually she would hang out with me. My shoulders curled forward… I was so remorseful it felt like a knife twisting in my chest.
“Time for the band meeting,” Jake announced once we’d reached cruising height and the seatbelt signs had been switched off.
A curtain divided us from the rest of the entourage. He got out of his seat and stood in the aisle like a flight attendant. “Can I have everyone’s attention, please?” He clapped his hands. “I had a talk with Camila after the show in Glastonbury and she has something to share with you all.”
He stepped back and she went to stand in front of him.
I wrinkled my brow. What was going on?
Camila cleared her throat. “I should have
told you months ago.” She closed her eyes and took a sharp breath. “Ella and I were in a relationship.” Her voice caught on a sob.
A sudden mist of blinding rage obscured my vision. “Dafuq?!” Spit flew out of my mouth.
I leapt out of my seat with a snarl.
Jake jumped in front of Camila and grabbed me by the shoulders. “Listen to what she has to say…”
I pushed at his chest, but he grabbed my arms and walked me backward to my seat. I heard Firebird gasp and, for her sake, I decided not to fight back. “Okay,” I growled. “If you’ve got something to say then say it, Camila.”
“Yeah, say it,” Foxy echoed from where he was sitting in front of me.
“Ella begged me not to tell anyone we were together. Neither of us had come out to our families. We were gonna do that at the end of the tour.” Camila was visibly shaking. “I found out she was shooting up and I tried so hard to get her to stop.”
Heat flushed through me and I exploded out of my seat again. “You knew?!”
Jake pushed me back down.
Shocked silence radiated around the plane.
Tears were streaming down Camila’s face. If she thought she was going to get off the hook by crying, she was seriously mistaken. “Why didn’t you fucking tell me?” I growled.
“Or any one of us,” Rhys interjected from the seat behind.
“Ella wouldn’t let me. She said it would be over between us if I did.”
Camila was sobbing openly now, but I hardened my heart.
I was in shock at her revelation.
At her fucking subterfuge.
All these months, and she hadn’t breathed a word.
I bunched my hand into a fist and hit the back of the seat in front of me.
“Steady, mate,” Foxy muttered.
“Ella tried to give it up. Multiple times. But her addiction was too strong.” Camila shot me an accusing glance. “You were too much of a cokehead to notice.” She swept her gaze around the plane. “All of you were. She was scared to tell Jake, so she had no one to turn to but me.” Streaks of black mascara ran down Camila’s cheeks as she gulped for breaths. “And, in the end… in the end,” she stuttered, “I failed her.”
Silently, Zach got up and went to stand next to Camila. He put his arm around her. “What happened?”
“I gave her an ultimatum.” She sniffed. “I said she had to choose between heroin and me.” Camila lifted her face and raked her eyes over us. “She… she… she chose heroin. I ran out on her in Madison Square Garden and she overdosed.”
Camila’s body wracked with shuddering sobs.
Phoenix and Hayley joined Jake and Zach in the aisle. They led her away to the restroom, and Zach returned to his seat.
I stared down at my hands. Tears prickled behind my eyelids. My heart was breaking to the point where I wasn’t sure how it could still be beating.
My sister had died alone.
I wasn’t there for her.
And now I could lose Phoenix because I’d resorted to coke again.
This was all so fucking fucked up.
Jake was still standing in the aisle. “Now for the next point I want to raise.”
Every eye was on him... he was without doubt the most adult of us.
“I’m giving you all an ultimatum like Camila gave Ella.” His tone was deadly serious. “If you don’t stop doing drugs, I’m quitting the band.”
Shit!
“Bloody hell, bro’,” Foxy’s voice had risen in pitch. “We only did them at Wembley and Glastonbury.”
“You can’t slip like that,” Jake snapped. “Drugs are addictive and they take over your life. You saw what happened to Ella.”
I hung my head, so fucking ashamed of my own weakness I was in danger of crumpling. But I didn’t. Instead, I got to my feet and shot my bandmates a determined look. “ChiMera is more important to me than getting high. And we all know how much we need Jake to keep things running.” I nudged his shoulder with mine. “He’s the backbone of the band, the brother I should have had.”
“What about Axel and Phoenix?” Rhys stood up and came right out with it. “Axel lied and went behind our backs.”
Jake glared at me. “You got anything to say about that?”
“I fell for Phoenix,” I told them, my breath rasping. “But I didn’t lie about the muse aspect. You heard the songs she inspired. I think they’re the best I’ve ever written.”
“Axel has a point,” Zach said quietly. “They’re the shit.”
“Thanks.” I bit down on a smile. “I knew I was breaking the rules, but Phoenix is special.”
“Who made that fucking rule anyway?” Foxy tapped his chin. “Oh, yeah. Now I remember. It was you, Axel.” He barked out a laugh, stood and grabbed me in a headlock. With his other hand, he ruffled my hair. “The first of us to fall for a woman. I really didn’t see that coming…”
I squirmed from his hold. Firebird was approaching down the aisle with Hayley and Camila in tow. “I’d like to talk,” I whispered to her as she brushed past me.
“I’d like to get some sleep,” she countered. “It’s been a hell of a long day.”
“Good night, baby,” I risked saying.
“I. Am. Not. Your. Baby,” she bit out the words before turning her back on me.
My heart sank.
Phoenix
Falling asleep was impossible. I tried to drop off in my reclining seat after the cabin lights had dimmed, but so much had gone down my mind was in a whirl. Axel’s revelation that he’d snorted coke. Camila’s confession. I’d been worried him and me being busted would have torn the band apart, but they had far bigger problems than one of them shitting where they ate. God, I hated that expression, but I couldn’t think of another way to describe it now I knew how stupid Axel had been.
I remembered the adage, ‘once an addict, always an addict,’ and I shouldn’t have been surprised. Shouldn’t have been so freaking disappointed I’d wanted to curl up in the fetal position and cry like a baby. I’d been a complete idiot to fall for him. He was a junkie, first and foremost. How could he tell me he’d never go down that road again then do so? I’d given him my heart and he’d ripped it into little pieces.
I’d never expected to feel sorry for Camila, but I did. She’d loved Ella, but Ella hadn’t loved Camila enough to put her first. She’d been an emotional wreck. In the restroom, she’d said she’d regretted coming on the tour. She’d only done so because hanging with the band helped with her grief.
I tossed and turned. Sleep eluded me so I decided to go and get a glass of warm milk from the galley. I inched my way out of my seat and tiptoed down the plane.
The flight attendant was still awake, so I gave him my order then sat in an empty seat nearby.
A familiar masculine scent tickled my nostrils.
“Axel,” I gasped. “What are you doing here?”
“Same as you, getting a drink.” He raked his eyes over my face.
“I can’t sleep,” I said.
“Neither can I.” He caught his lip with his teeth in that maddening way that used to make me go weak in the knees. “Would you like to hang out?”
I drew my brows together. “No. I’m pissed at you.”
“With good reason,” he rasped. “I’ve been a complete wanker.”
His admission kinda took the wind from my sails, but I wouldn’t let him off the hook.
Not now.
Maybe not ever.
The flight attendant arrived with my milk. “I’ll have the same,” Axel said to him. “And please bring us a bottle of brandy.”
I remembered us sitting here on the flight to Europe drinking the same drinks. Little did I know what I was letting myself in for. My poor freaking heart stuttered in my chest.
Axel cleared his throat. “I want to apologize.”
I gazed into his smoldering dark brown eyes and my breath caught just like it had done before.
Only this time, I knew better.
“It’s just words, Axel. I need actions.” I inhaled deeply, forcing myself not to drown in his gaze. “I need to believe in you again.”
“I’ll do what it takes,” he promised, reaching for my hand.
“My Mom is fighting to live,” I murmured. “I love you, but I’m not sure I have the strength to deal with someone who is willing to throw his life away for another hit…”
I extricated my fingers from his.
24
One Month Later
“How are you feeling?” I asked Mom, like I asked her every morning.
“Fine,” she responded the same as always.
We were sitting at the small table in our tiny kitchen, eating breakfast. Oftentimes the meds she was on made her sick and she couldn’t stomach food, but today she was managing to eat some toast with butter and jelly.
I reached across and stroked her hand. “You’re doing great,” I smiled. “So proud of ya.”
Mom had undergone her stem cell transplant five days after I’d gotten back from Europe. She’d had to stay in the hospital for two weeks. Now Dad and I were alternating taking her in for daily check-ups in his beater car… an old Chevy Cavalier.
“I’m proud of you too, sweetie.” She tilted her head toward me. “Are you sure it’s okay for you to take so much time off?”
It was a question she kept asking, and I reassured her as usual. “The entire band is on a break. Don’t worry.”
Jake had taken the guys to the Bahamas to veg out, mindful that the stress of touring had tipped them over the edge. They were due back later today, and I would join them next week in their recording studio on the days when I wasn’t taking Mom to the hospital for her labs.
“Tell me more about the tour, sweetie.” A smile lit her face. “I love hearing about it. What was Paris really like?”
My breathing slowed as the memories took over. “It was incredibly romantic.” I gave her more details about our hotel overlooking the Eiffel Tower, about the Sacré Coeur lit up at night and how we’d driven past the Moulin Rouge. Sudden tears stung the back of my eyes.
