by Daiko, SC
I missed Axel so fucking much. I missed hanging out with him, being held by him, our convos about music, working on songs together and the mind-blowing sex. The connection between us had been so strong. We’d barely been out of each other’s sight. It still hurt so fucking much that he’d thrown it all away to snort cocaine. I swallowed the lump in my throat. I’d never realized pain like this existed… it was all consuming, crushing me into specks of dust.
“What’s wrong, honey?” Mom squeezed my fingers.
The tears spilled down my face… I couldn’t hold them in any longer. I’d been determined not to break down in front of her this past month, sobbing into my pillow at night so no one would hear me, but now the floodgates had opened and I wailed, “I fell in love with Axel Wainwright.”
A frown creased her forehead. “Why are you crying? Doesn’t he love you back?”
“He says that he does. But he did something bad at the end of the tour,” I choked on a sob.
Her expression turned steely, reminding me of how she used to look before the cancer… there was fire in her eyes. “What did he do?”
And so, my voice trembling, I told her. Told her about Ella. Told her about him falling off the wagon in Glastonbury. “He said he wouldn’t go down that road again, and I believed him. Then he destroyed what we had, threw it away like it meant nothing.”
She pursed her lips. “At least he didn’t go off with another woman…”
“Yeah, there is that,” I sighed. “Although I wouldn’t be surprised if he went back to his MO now that I’m not with him.”
“Sounds like you don’t trust him.” Mom narrowed her eyes.
“He burned me to ashes. I was stupid to get involved with him.” I wiped the tears from my face with my hands. “I should’ve focused on my career…”
Mom got out of her chair, went to the sink and wet a cloth. She handed it to me. “Press that to your eyes, sweetie. I hate to see you cry.”
I did as she’d asked. “I’m good,” I released a breath. “I’m dreading seeing him at the studio next week, though.”
Dreading being pulled back into his orbit.
“Has he been in touch?”
“Oh, yes. Constant voice mails as I won’t take his calls.”
Begging me to pick up.
“Sounds like he cares about you.” She gave my fingers another squeeze.
I let out a bitter laugh. “If that’s the case, he has a weird way of showing it.”
“Maybe you should give him another chance?”
I leaned away from her, shocked. “You want me to be with a cokehead?”
“He went off the rails, once, Phoenix,” she said calmly. “If he’s serious about you it won’t happen again. You should let him prove his love….”
“Why?” I snapped.
She glanced away from me, then held me with her eyes. “There’s something I’ve never told you before, but I think the time is right.” She paused, breathed deeply. “A few years ago, when you were in high school, I had an affair.”
Shockwaves reverberated through me. “Oh, my God, Mom…”
“It was a mistake.” A sigh caught in her throat. “I met up with an ex who’d just gotten divorced. Your dad was working a lot, doing overtime at Boeing. That wasn’t an excuse, but I was feeling ignored. Dad found out about it and was so cut up. It tore my heart. We worked through some issues and he forgave me.” She wrapped her arms around her stomach. “I broke his trust, but he still forgave me. At the end of the day, if you truly love someone you will put them first.”
“It’s not the same, Mom,” I groaned. “I mean cheating and taking drugs are totally different…”
She shook her head. “People fuck up. For so many reasons…”
It was the first time Mom had used the f-word in my presence. She’d shocked me. I started clearing the breakfast table and took the plates to wash them. “Let’s get ready to go to the hospital,” I said, deciding not to pursue this conversation any further. “It’s my turn to take you there today.”
“Thanks, honey.” She stood and came up to me, holding out her arms.
I hugged her, breathing in her floral scent. “I love you, Mom…”
I was helping Dad make dinner while Mom was resting after we’d gotten home. The doctor had said her blood counts were looking good, and he was happy with her recovery progress. He also said she only needed to go into the hospital Monday, Wednesday and Thursday for her labs.
“I went to see if Boeing were hiring.” Dad blew out a breath. “But they don’t have any part-time positions available. Also, I’m a little long in the tooth…”
I gave him a hug. “That sucks.”
“Don’t know what we’d do without you, Phoenix.” He sent me such a forlorn look it tore at my heart.
“You raised me.” I stroked his arm. “How could I forget the sacrifices you made? The music lessons and voice coaching? I’m sure as soon as Mom is in remission, you’ll find something permanent…”
“I hope so.” He drained pasta into a bowl, then added the bolognaise sauce which had been simmering on the stove.
I tossed a mixed salad and we set the food down on the table. “I’ll go get Mom.”
Except, she’d already come to the kitchen door. “I’m hungry.” She laughed and the sound was amazing. It had been so long since I’d heard it. “I can’t believe I’m actually hungry…”
“Way to go, Mom!”
Dad looped his arms around her. “So proud of you, Cora.” He kissed her on the lips.
We sat down to eat, the three of us, and I watched them interacting with each other. Sure, they’d had their problems, but they’d overcome them through love.
Did Axel love me enough to stay clean?
And, did I love him enough to take on all his brokenness? For that was what he was, I realized.
A broken rock star.
Questions bounced around in my head the entire meal… I had no clue what I was gonna do.
I was able to forgive Mom without a second thought after hearing how she’d hurt Dad and possibly risked splitting the family. If I could forgive Mom because of love, why couldn’t I forgive Axel?
“Cat got your tongue?” Dad asked me, raising a brow.
“Just tired,” I answered, taking my plate to the sink.
“Let me do the dishes,” Mom interjected. “I’m tired of being treated like an invalid.”
Dad’s face broke into a smile of such happiness it freaking killed me.
I hugged them both and wished them good night, and then, with heavy steps I went to my room.
25
You say you hate
Walking on cracks in sidewalks
You say you hate
Lightning bolts and thunder
But I’ll be your harbor in the storm
I’ll prove to you I can reform
I say that I love you.
You say you love
Cold weather and vermillion sunsets
Making out under a duvet
You say you love
Warm milk laced with brandy
Spanish churches and French honey
You say you don’t love me.
But I’ll be your harbor in the storm
I’ll prove to you I can reform
I say that I love you.
I wanna be the crack in your sidewalk
Tread on me, tread on me, tread on me.
Baby, I’m sorry
So. Fucking. Sorry.
I’ll be your harbor in the storm
I’ll prove to you I can reform
I say that I love you.
I put down my acoustic guitar and scrubbed a hand over my face. The song was a work in progress and I’d changed the words so many times I’d lost count. With a heavy sigh, I picked up my cell phone and tried Firebird’s number.
Pick up, baby.
Straight to fucking voice mail as usual.
“Hey, it’s me. But I guess you know that,” I spoke into
the phone. “We got back from the Bahamas yesterday. I missed you so much. Everything felt wrong without you.” So. Fucking. Wrong. “How are you?” Are you missing me? “How’s your mum doing? Hope all is well…”
Was she listening?
The wall of silence from the other end was deafening, and a lump of pain formed in my throat.
I disconnected and shoved the phone in my pocket, left the music room and went down to my basement gym. The entire time I worked out I thought about Phoenix. Her absence from my life was killing me… there was a huge Phoenix-shaped hole in my heart.
I missed the taste of her.
I missed the feel of her.
But most of all, I missed just being with her.
How could I have screwed up what we had for that stupid hit?
I shuddered out a breath. I’d gone through the motions of the band’s down time in the Bahamas without her. The villa Jake rented for us had been super deluxe. I’d spent the days on autopilot, swimming in the twenty-five-meter lap pool, going big game fishing with the guys and snorkeling in the ocean on my own. Firebird would have loved the place, and I’d felt guilty she was having to suffer her mum’s hospitalization and treatment when I wallowed in luxury.
It hadn’t all been fun and games, though. The guys and I had jammed together, working through ideas for the next album and embellishing the songs I’d demoed for them with Firebird.
And Jake had arranged for our drugs counsellor to join us. We’d undergone intensive therapy sessions—both group and individual—but, as far as I was concerned, Phoenix’s reaction to my slip-up had been deterrent enough.
I loved her so fucking much… I’d do everything I could to convince her that I’d stay clean for the rest of my life.
Why wouldn’t she hear me out?
Maybe she’d stopped loving me after what I’d done?
I needed to find out.
I took a shower, changed into jeans and an Armani t-shirt, then called Mike. “Can you please bring the car around? I’d like you to take me to Phoenix’s apartment.”
“Sure thing, boss.” I heard the smile in his voice.
I grabbed my front door keys, set the alarm, and stepped outside.
Firebird had told me she and her parents lived in a crappy condo and she hadn’t been lying. There was a seedy strip club on the ground floor and I had to climb two flights of stairs to get to the Johnsons’ apartment after Mike had dropped me off… stairs which must be a struggle for her mum. There was no security here, not even an entry phone. I curled my lip, resolving to move them into a nicer place asap.
“Who’s there?” Phoenix answered my knock at the door. There wasn’t even a peephole for her to check.
“It’s me.”
I waited.
Held my breath.
Complete and utter silence.
“Come on, Firebird. Open up! What are you scared of?”
“You.” The word was like a slap in the face.
“Me?” I jerked my head back. “I won’t hurt you…”
“You’ve hurt me already, Axel. So fucking much. And I’m scared you’ll hurt me again.”
Christ, I’d been such a bloody wanker.
“I swear to you I’ll never do that.” My heartbeats raced. “I’m so sorry. Please, believe me…”
I heard the key turn and my heart fucking leapt.
Inch by inch, the door opened.
She was standing there, dressed in skimpy shorts and a tee, looking so goddam beautiful I wanted to press her against the wall and plunder her mouth.
I stepped across the threshold. “How’s your mum?” I asked.
“Doing great.” A slight smile flickered across her face. “Dad’s taken her to the hospital for her labs. The doc’s pleased with her progress.”
“Perfect.”
I itched to touch her, but she’d started heading toward the living area. “Can I get you anything to drink?” Her eyebrows drew together in a frown. “We have soda or I can make you a coffee.”
“I’d love a coffee.”
I’d love to kiss you.
My eyes were glued to her lips.
She turned on her heel and left me standing there. I stared at the threadbare carpet under my feet. I’d never been hard-up in my life. But I’d read widely and could imagine what it must have been like for the Johnsons. Thank God my bandmates had agreed to CM funding Cora’s treatment, although I’d have done it myself if they hadn’t.
I sat on the lumpy sofa and waited for Firebird to return. My chest felt like it would explode with happiness at seeing her again. Even if she knocked me back, it had been worth it.
She arrived with a small tray loaded with two mugs of coffee. I jumped to my feet and took the tray from her to place it on the table in front of the sofa.
“Thanks,” she said curtly.
We stood awkwardly, eyeing each other.
Without another word, she sat at the far end of the sofa. I took that as an invitation to sit opposite.
We stared at each other, sipping our coffees.
I sucked in a sharp breath. “Do you still love me?” I came right out with the question to which I so badly needed the answer.
“I’ll always love you, Axel.” Her breathing stuttered. “But I’m still mad at you.”
“I thought as much.” I put down my mug and swiped a hand through my hair. “What can I do to make it right?”
She shook her head. Slowly. “I don’t know.”
“I don’t want to lose you,” I groaned.
The sound of a key being turned in the lock interrupted us. I jumped to my feet again as Cora and Bob Johnson came into the room.
Phoenix shot me a ‘don’t say anything in front of my parents’ look.
“Axel,” her dad shook my hand. “Pleased to meet you in person at last.”
“Me too,” Cora beamed a wide smile. “I’ve heard so much about you…”
Not all good, I thought to myself. “As I have about you,” I smiled.
“How did the appointment go, Mom?” Firebird touched her hand to Cora’s arm.
“Fine. No sign of rejection from the stem cell transplant.” Cora turned to me. “I’m so grateful your record label is funding my treatment.”
“It’s the least we can do. You’re looking so much better, Mrs. Johnson,” I said. And she was. There was more color in her cheeks than I’d seen during the Skype calls I’d been invited to join. I shifted my weight from one foot to the other, not sure what to say next.
“Axel was just about to go,” Phoenix’s voice pierced me. “I’ll see him to the door.”
“No need to leave on account of us,” Bob winked. “Cora and I can go through to the kitchen…”
“Dad…” Firebird blushed and I took that as a good sign.
I bit down on a smirk. “I’ll see myself out,” I said. “I don’t want to intrude.”
“No intrusion,” Cora assured me, and Bob echoed her words.
But Phoenix dragged me to the door as I knew she would.
A feeling of déjà vu overcame me as I reached for the handle at the same time as she did. Our fingers touched and heat spread through me.
Fuck.
I brushed past her. Her warm body against mine. So familiar yet so unattainable. Her enticing perfume in my nostrils.
I stopped and faced her, lifted my hand to her face and skimmed it over her silky skin. A strand of her thick, blond hair had come lose from her pony, and I tucked it behind her ear. I bent and pressed my lips to her lovely warm cheek.
“See you in the recording studio next week, Firebird. We can talk more then.”
Her breath hitched.
26
The day after Axel had turned up at our condo, I agreed to meet up with Camila and Hayley for brunch in DTLA. They’d both gotten temporary jobs at nearby theaters—their contracts with CM had terminated already—and they’d said they wanted to hang out.
Mom and Dad had encouraged me, saying I needed a break. “
Have fun,’ Dad said and Mom echoed him as I prepared to leave the apartment.
“Will do,” I lied, kissing them both on the cheek.
Gonna be far from fun…
I’d agreed to the meetup for Hayley’s sake… she’d been a good friend. Camila, on the other hand, had given every impression of disliking me and I had no clue why she was tagging along.
Throughout the bus ride to Broadway, I tried not to think about Axel. Impossible. His surprise visit yesterday had brought to the surface all the concerns I’d kept buried while looking after Mom. I’d barely slept the past couple nights for worrying about the future. How was I going to stop myself from being drawn back into Axel’s orbit? And what would happen when my job came to an end? I’d been too preoccupied with Mom to even think about finding something else.
With a heavy feeling in my stomach, I got off the bus and walked to the iconic Eastern Columbia Building… the greatest surviving example of art deco architecture in the city. I’d arranged to meet Hayley and Camila in a ground floor coffee shop. Apparently, they hung out there all the time when they worked in nearby theaters.
After stepping through the door, I spotted them and went up to their table. “Hey,” I forced a smile.
“Hey,” they greeted me in unison, looking gorgeous as usual. Perfect makeup. Styled hair. Manicures.
I pulled out a chair and took a seat. Hayley handed me the menu, smiling. “The avocado toast is amazing. So are the paninis.”
“I’ll have a prosciutto panini and a latte,” I said.
We placed our orders, then, without preamble, Camila leaned toward me. “I wanna apologize for my bitchiness on the tour. I was grieving for Ella and I took it out on you…”
My mouth dropped open at her forthrightness. I closed it quickly.
“Apology accepted.” I met her gaze. “How are you doing?”
“So. So. There are good days and bad. Work keeps me from dwelling on things,” she sighed. “How about you? I heard your mom is sick…”
“Yeah,” Hayley grabbed my hand. “You should’ve told us what was going down, girlfriend.”
