Suranne.
These past few weeks had been, undeniably, bliss for me. Mom was still getting counseling, and looking better every day. Ashley absolutely loved Suranne, and they spent every waking moment together. Well, that is when she wasn’t at school, or in my bedroom. Or in her bedroom. Or on my desk. Or even on my piano.
Yeah, my girl loved that piano.
I couldn’t explain how I was feeling and how most things seemed to be working out for us. Even school had calmed down a notch. People didn’t stare as much, in fact they got used to it. They had no choice, because my lips were connected to Suranne’s whenever I got the chance, and I didn’t care who was watching us.
What was weirder was that I didn’t even hold any animosity toward Kate anymore. Ever since our confrontation, and my meltdown after Suranne left with her instead of me, it was like something inside of me had just let loose. Like I had released all the crap I had been holding inside for so damn long towards her, and now all I felt was. . . calm.
And it was thanks to my girl for that.
So yeah, these six weeks or so had, in one way, been heaven.
However.
And yeah, there was a however, because if you looked under all the smiles, and kisses, and calm feelings, and great sex, things looked bleak and damn right ugly.
Although my mom had been getting help and was doing better every day, the chick who was counseling her was getting worse.
In the space of these six weeks, Aimee had given me countless hints that she wants me. And yeah, I’m not surprised. I may love my girl, but I’m still big headed and I know that chicks think I’m hot. But the hints I would give her that I was with someone just wouldn’t deter her. She still made subtle passes, sometimes even being bold enough to“accidentally” brush her hand against the crotch of my jeans as she passed. Her clothes were getting more and more tight and skimpy, but no matter what I said, she just didn’t let up.
And this was stressing me out, because although I would never do anything with her, I also hadn’t told Suranne about these attempts. I should have, but I knew it would result in some screwed girly cat fight or something. And I didn’t need that shit.
But that wasn’t all.
Even though I was glad my little sister loved Suranne, Ashley was becoming more and more of a cockblocker for me these days. It was pretty much impossible for me and Suranne to be together in my room if Ashley knew she was there. She would literally bang on the door till Suranne agreed to come out and hang with her. So, recently I’ve had to resort to sneaking her in just so we can have some quality time. Her aunt still doesn’t trust us so we can only go back to her place if she’s at work or out somewhere.
So yeah, at the moment, the action I was getting was minimal, and coupled with the crap about Aimee, I was getting more and more worked up.
But guess what? That still wasn’t all.
Although school had become a bit calmer, and I held no animosity towards Kate, that sure as hell didn’t mean that she didn’t hold any towards me. But I could deal with that. I didn’t give a damn if she hated me.
What I couldn’t deal with was the hate she and Lawrence were steering toward Suranne.
Well, I wouldn’t say Lawrence hated her, more like gave her the puppy dog act, hoping that she might throw her arms around his neck and damn . . .
Just the thought pissed me off.
And so all this was stressing my girl out, and as much as she plastered a brave smile on her face, I could see the tension in her body and the tiredness in her eyes. I tried comforting her whenever I could, but for some reason, sometimes, this pissed her off even more.
But guess what? Yeah, you guessed it. That still wasn’t it.
Because nothing, not the stress she was getting from Kate and Lawrence, or the stress I was getting from Aimee and my cockblocking sister could overtake the bigger problem that was looming ahead.
One day ahead, to be precise.
Tomorrow would be the fourth anniversary of my father’s death.
And if that day turned out like it had for the past three years, then tomorrow was going to be bad.
Extremely bad.
I knew that all of mom’s counseling would pretty much go down the drain, and she would lose herself in a pure, clear bottle of Grey Goose Vodka, and for one day, just for one day I wouldn’t blame her.
In fact, every previous year, I had joined her.
So yeah, I was starting to lose it. I could already feel the deep depression mounting, the ebbing ache threatening to rip out of my chest, rearing its ugly black head to overtake my humanity. I could feel the cold substance slowly trickling through my veins. I could feel myself slowly disappearing, and becoming a dark, snappy asshole who wouldn’t be held responsible for his actions.
And like I said before, it scared the shit out of me.
Because, unlike the past three years, I now had someone I truly cared about. Someone I truly loved.
And tomorrow I knew, just knew I would throw it all way. But there was nothing I could do to stop it. It was like once the clock hit 12:01 a.m. on April 12th, I became someone completely different. I had let it happen for three years straight. The force was too strong.
The bell ringing through the school declaring freedom for students to go to lunch snapped me out of my thoughts. I grabbed my stuff, pushing past everyone to get to the cafeteria first. I walked briskly, focused on getting to Suranne as quickly as possible, hoping that her presence would grate away this coldness I could feel building inside of me. She had healed me before; I could only pray that she was strong enough to pull us through the next seventy-two hours.
I chucked my books on a table once I hit the cafeteria, glaring at anyone who might dare to take my seat and went into the lunch line to get food for Suranne and myself. As I started filling a tray with what I knew she liked, I could feel a weird tingle swirl through my spine, and smiled warmly to myself as I deciphered its meaning.
She was here.
I paid for the food and turned around, smirking, as my eyes rested on the sexy-ass girl sitting down at our table, her creamy pale legs crossed and her elbow on the table, her palm holding up her chin as she smiled sweetly at me.
I felt the familiar pleasant, dull ache throbbing in my chest every time I looked at her, and just like always, I felt the words jumble around in my head, wrapping around my tongue, desperate to be released.
Yeah. I still couldn’t tell her I loved her. And today, of all days, I really wished I could, before tomorrow came and I screwed it all up.
“Hey,” she breathed as I placed the food on the table and sat down next to her. She frowned at the tray and narrowed her eyes.
“Kane, I told you to stop buying lunch for me. I was about to go up there once you came back.”
I couldn’t help but smile, she sounded so sexy when she was angry.
“Too late,” I shrugged and held the apple out to her, giving her a pleading grin.
She rolled her eyes but took it anyway, her lips twitching up into a smile. “Thank you,” she murmured softly, sending a shiver through me. Even after two months her voice still turned me on.
I leaned forward and brushed my lips against hers, deeply breathing in her sweet scent. “You’re welcome,” I whispered against her mouth, and gave her one last chaste kiss before I pulled away and picked up my pizza.
“So, tomorrow’s Saturday. What do you wanna do?” she asked nonchalantly.
“Nothing,” I blurted out sharply, my voice cold and acidic. The dark, black force was scratching inside my skin, stretching my nerves as soon as she mentioned tomorrow. I took a deep breath, trying to will away my irrational anger and hold on to whatever calm piece of myself I had left.
Looking at Suranne, I could immediately feel the guilt wash through me, sweeping through my body and pushing back the darkness to its hidden confines. I sighed deeply and shook my head, lifting my arms towards her.
“Come here,” I murmured, but she looked hesitant. I
could see the hurt in her eyes and I groaned at my own stupid actions. It had started already.
“Please baby, come here.” I spoke quietly, and this time she relented, sliding off of her chair and into my lap. She wrapped her arms around my neck and I pulled her to me tightly, sighing as her familiar sweet smell washed over me and calmed my insides.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered into her ear as she rested her little head against my neck, her soft hair tickling against my skin.
“Tomorrow, just . . . won’t be a good day for me,” I muttered bitterly and shook my head, trying to stay focused and not lose myself to the painful anger that was desperate to surge freely through my veins.
“Why?” she asked softly, and I had to choke on my words, trying not to tell her to mind her own business. I was close to losing it, and it was only lunchtime. I took another deep breath, and nuzzled her silky hair, hoping that the smell and texture would keep me grounded, and in control of my emotions.
“Tomorrow will be . . .” I swallowed heavily, trying to push down the lump in my throat so I could choke out the damn words. “Four years,” I breathed raggedly, hoping she understood because I wouldn’t be able to elaborate any more than that.
“Oh,” she breathed, her voice sad but understanding. She hugged me tighter for a second and I squeezed her gently in return, silently thanking her for not pressing the matter. And that was how we spent lunch, Suranne in my lap as I held onto her in silence, neither of us moving, speaking, or even eating. Just being together.
I appreciated it, because I couldn’t help but feel like if she spoke or moved I would crack. And I really didn’t want to.
But obviously, school had other plans, and the bell sounded loudly, signaling the end of lunch. I gritted my teeth and balled my hands into fists, holding back my anger because it would be crazy to want to snap at a stupid bell.
Suranne gave me one last squeeze and sighed, lifting herself up and grabbing her bag. She gave me a sad smile and leaned down, pressing her lips to mine while I sat still, stopping myself from just grabbing her face and kissing the hell out of her, not wanting to let her leave. Wanting to beg her to steer me through today and tomorrow so that I didn’t go off the deep end.
After the second bell rang she pulled away, ran her hand gently through my hair with another sad smile before walking to her next class. As soon as she was gone, I felt worse. Emptier, colder, and darker. I understood that although her presence didn’t eliminate the dark inside of me completely, she definitely toned it down.
I quickly got up and grabbed my books before running after her. I spotted her small frame walking down the halls and called out, causing her to stop and turn around. Her eyes widened in surprise and then her face relaxed into a curious smile.
Catching up to her, I pulled her into my arms and held her to me for a few seconds, sighing as I felt the calmness returning.
She was definitely what I needed.
I pulled away and cradled her face in my hands.
“Come see me tomorrow? I know what I said before, but I don’t think I can do it alone . . .” I whispered, ducking my head so I was eye level with her.
She bit her lip thoughtfully and gave me a hesitant nod, her brows furrowing with worry but I ignored that, grinning at her in relief before pushing my lips to hers, and kissing her roughly. I slid my tongue along hers passionately, not caring that we were in the hallway of our school and that there were probably some nosy pricks staring.
I pulled away, desperate for air, both of us breathing heavily. I smiled warmly down at her, wanting to hide in the depths of her calming gray eyes. She smiled back as I released my arms from around her. I tilted my head in the direction of her classroom, and as soon as she disappeared into her class, I felt the darkness seeping back, even stronger, causing me to gasp from its intensity.
What the hell was wrong with me? I had never gotten this bad so soon.
I stumbled down the hallway, my hand pushing against my chest and the fierce, painful feeling there as I made my way to the parking lot. I wouldn’t make it through class, that was for sure.
It felt like tunnel vision or something. My mind couldn’t comprehend what was going on and before I knew it, I found myself in my car about to turn the ignition. I frowned, not even remembering entering the lot, but the pain in my chest, the swirling, forceful anger that seeped through my veins had risen tenfold and I couldn’t concentrate. I was losing my mind and the only thing I could think of was getting home and finding a bottle of Grey Goose.
My breathing was labored, and my eyes were shifting in different directions as I drove home. It felt like I was going numb, my hands steering and changing gears robotically while my foot pressed down on the gas without my giving it a thought. I could feel myself slipping dramatically, and I let out a choked sob in an attempt to get myself together again. It wasn’t even tomorrow yet and I was losing myself. Once again, it was like I folded and found myself in my kitchen, without any memory of getting there. There was a half full glass in my hand, and the bottle of GG on the side. My hand lifted of its own volition, and the last thing I remembered was the cool crystal glass touching my lips before the raging force inside my chest took over.
I faintly remember whispering Suranne’s name as I drowned in the dark, bitter abyss that consumed me at this same time, every year.
28. A DARK CASE OF PATHETIC FALLACY
Suranne
“You still want me to come over? x’
I shut my phone, tossed it on the bed, and sat on the edge. I had tried ringing Kane after school yesterday when I realised he had gone home early, but he didn’t pick up so I decided to leave him alone. I didn’t want to come across as one of those clingy types, but Kane rang me almost every night. That is, if he wasn’t with me at the time.
I couldn’t even describe how happy I had been feeling recently. The Kane Richards of late was such a contrast to the person I was warned about and had observed my first few weeks here. He was so happy and loving that I couldn’t help but smile just thinking about him.
Every kiss and every touch from him left me breathless. The array of emotions that would surge through me every time we were together was indescribable. And it was pretty obvious since my first day here, from the string of girls that were always chasing after him, that he had to be good.
But I never thought he would be that good. I felt like an addict and he was the most delicious, euphoric, toxic drug. I could never have enough. And the look in his eyes, all dark, full of desire and lust, always drove me crazy.
However, our alone time had recently become very limited. Admittedly I was having withdrawal symptoms, sometimes even snapping at him, and getting irritated when he tried to reassure me that we would be alone soon. It wasn’t his fault, but I couldn’t exactly blame his sister. She was amazing, and I was so relieved that she and their mother both liked me.
Looking back, my first thoughts on Kane’s mum had been bitter, disgusted at how she could be so selfish. Drowning her sorrows in alcohol and leaving her son to pick up the pieces. When she first greeted me, my reply came out harsher than expected, but the shame and sorrow that flickered in her eyes—large, brown expressive eyes like Kane’s—just made me feel guilty. She looked so healthy and happy now that she was getting counselling, and we got along perfectly.
But there was an uneasy twist in my stomach as I thought about what this day meant to Kane. Today marked four years since his father’s death, and the pain and grief in his eyes yesterday seemed to be reflected through pretty much everything I laid my eyes on. The sky was grey and a strong wind whipped the tree branches in various directions outside of my window, casting an almost eerie shadow in my room. I couldn’t fathom why a feeling of panic and nervousness was spreading through me, so I brushed it off, scowling at my childish fears before padding off to the bathroom to get ready to see him.
As soon as I got out of the shower and dried my hair, I reached for my phone, still lying on the bed. No new messages.
He still hadn’t texted back. I wondered if it was best for me to stay here and wait for him to contact me instead, but he had told me he wanted me with him today. He needed me to get him through this, and I wanted to be there to support him, too.
Dark clouds rolled in outside of my window, causing me to hit the light so I could see to get dressed. It was only like two in the afternoon, and from the look of things outside the window it was likely to rain today.
I sighed, deciding to just go to Kane’s and talk to him, or just sit there in silence. Anything he needed me to do, I would do.
Once dressed I went downstairs into the kitchen and saw my aunt sitting at the table reading a newspaper. She lifted her head and smiled brightly as I went to sit opposite her.
“Hey Kiddo, what ya doin’ today?” she asked, licking her thumb lightly before turning the page.
“Kane,” I mumbled, and she frowned at me disapprovingly. For some reason she wasn’t all that keen on him and didn’t always approve of me going over to visit him, but I told her that his mum and sister would be there and she stopped grumbling.
“Still,” she muttered dryly, and I groaned in irritation.
“It’s the anniversary of his father’s death today, give him a break.”
She nodded but the frown was still on her face as she turned her attention back to the paper. I rang for a cab, because I still wasn’t familiar with the bus system here, and it was way too far for me to walk. When it came, I kissed my aunt on the cheek, whispering a goodbye before running out, sliding into the backseat, giving the man Kane’s address.
I watched the sky as we drove, wondering if it was going to storm, and something told me to turn around. To go back home and wait until tomorrow, but once again, I shook my head.
This was Kane we were talking about. I had no reason to feel like this.
We pulled up to his driveway, and I paid the man, thanking him as I got out. The dark sky set a gloomy hue of uncertainty upon the house, its bricks looking almost sinister. I took a deep breath and pushed myself to walk up to the front door.
Kane Richards Must Die Page 13
