Rising from the Ashes

by Jessica Prince

  “Jeremy wants to move in together,” I spit out quickly. I figured I might as well dive right in. There was no use in dragging it out.

  “Huh,” was all she said.

  For a while, I sat there, nervously waiting for her to say something else. When I couldn’t wait any longer, I jumped in. “Huh? That’s all you’ve got?”

  “Look, you know I’m thrilled that you and Jeremy got back together. I’d love nothing more than for the two of you to move in together and get married and all that stuff, but you’ve got to tell him, Savannah. He deserves to know.”

  I reached up to rub my temples. I was already starting to get a killer migraine. “You’re right, you’re right. I know that. I just…he’s going to hate me, Lizzy.” I felt the tears coming and I couldn’t do anything to hold them off.

  Lizzy got up and came over to me, wrapping her arms around me and running a comforting hand in circles on my back. “I’m not going to lie to you. He’s going to be mad, but he won’t hate you, honey. He loves you too much. You just have to trust that.”

  I sniffed and lifted my head off her shoulder. “Oh yeah, I can just see that conversation going well,” I replied sarcastically. “ ‘Hey, Jeremy. I know you’re from a large, tight-knit family, and you’ve always wanted kids of your own, but I got pregnant when we were nineteen and decided not to keep it without ever giving you a say in the matter. Oh, then I dumped you and broke your heart because I couldn’t deal with it and felt guilty every time I looked at you.’ Lizzy, I took something away from him that he’s always wanted, and I never even told him.”

  “Stop it, Savannah,” Lizzy demanded. “You were both kids. Neither of you were prepared for something like that. We’d all been there when Emmy lost her baby, and you thought you were doing the right thing. It was the wrong choice, but you didn’t make it easily or out of spite. It came from a good place.”

  “Good place or not, Lizzy, I was wrong.”

  She grabbed my face in her hands and forced me to look at her. “I know that, but I also know you’ve been carrying that guilt with you for seven years. You’re still not over it, are you?”

  Tears streamed down my cheeks as I shook my head in response.

  “It’s time, Savvy. You and Jeremy won’t have a real shot at making it if you keep carrying this all by yourself.”

  I let out a deep breath and tried to convince myself that everything was going to be okay even though I knew deep in my gut that it probably wouldn’t be.

  A week and a half had passed since my conversation with Lizzy, and I still wasn’t any closer to coming clean about the abortion to Jeremy. I knew it was selfish of me, but I couldn’t stand the idea of losing him all over again.

  Every time we were alone, I found myself opening my mouth to tell him the truth, but then I’d freak out and make up some lame ass story to cover up what I was about to say. I knew he was starting to notice, and I was terrified by the knowledge that I could potentially break his heart—again.

  “So, have you given any more thought to moving in together?” Jeremy asked that night as we were lounging on the couch, watching Sons of Anarchy.

  Jeremy didn’t particularly care for the show, but he had no problem letting me indulge in my Charlie Hunnam obsession one night a week.

  Thank God for understanding boyfriends.

  We’d already had the conversation about how I was totally allowed to bang the British hottie if our paths ever crossed. All Jeremy had said was that if I got Charlie, he got Jennifer Love Hewitt, no questions asked.

  I froze up at his question, not even able to fully appreciate a shirtless Jax Teller walking across the TV screen. Jeremy, sensing my instant anxiety, let out a deep sigh and sat up, lifting me from my place on his chest and depositing me next to him.

  He reached for the remote and turned off the television. “You think you can clue me in on how long it’s gonna take for you to stop freaking the fuck out every time I bring up our future? Because I gotta tell you, Savvy, this shit is getting more than just a little old.”

  Anxiety bubbled up in my throat as he spoke. The feeling of dread was sinking deep down in the pit of my stomach. I had officially run out of time. Tears began to sting my eyes and my vision blurred as I looked into his eyes. I was minutes away from losing the love of my life and there was nothing I could do to stop it. I’d made my bed and I was going to have to lay in it. I had absolutely no one to blame but myself.

  “Hey, hey,” Jeremy said, concern laced through his words. He grabbed me by my shoulders and pulled me into his chest. “It’s okay, baby. We don’t have to talk about this right now. We can wait until you’re ready.”

  I pressed my face into his chest and inhaled his scent, knowing it would probably be the last time. I wanted to commit everything about him to memory before it was all gone.

  “I have to tell you something,” I whispered, my voice cracking as I spoke.

  “Savvy, baby, honestly, it’s okay. I’m sorry I pushed you. We don’t have to—”

  I put my finger to his lips to silence the rest of his words. “I have to say this, Jer, because I haven’t been fair to you. I’ve been selfish as hell because I knew the minute I told you the truth, I’d lose you.”

  Jeremy reached up and grabbed my face with both of his hands. “There’s nothing you could ever do that would make me walk away.” He spoke with so much certainty that I almost believed him.

  Reaching up and wrapping my hands around his wrists, I pulled them away from my face. “I made a mistake, baby, and I wish I could go back and undo it, but I can’t.” I tried to swallow the sob that was building up in my throat, but it was pointless. I was dying inside and there was nothing I could do to stop it.

  “You’re starting to freak me out here, babe.”

  I looked up to see worry in Jeremy’s expression.

  “Did you…did you cheat on me?” he asked in a quiet voice as if he was almost too scared to say the words out loud.

  “What? God, no! Jeremy, honey, I never cheated, I swear to God.”

  His shoulders visibly slumped and he exhaled the breath he’d obviously been holding. “Oh, thank Christ,” he said with a relieved laugh. “I don’t know what I would’ve done—”

  “I had an abortion,” I spit out, eyes squeezed shut. My heart was pounding so hard that I was sure it was about to leap from my chest. I couldn’t bring myself to look at him. I was a fucking coward, and I hated myself for it.

  Silence descended on the living room while I held my breath and waited for his reaction. After what felt like an eternity, I couldn’t take the quiet any longer. I finally peeked through damp lashes to look over at Jeremy. He was sitting there, completely still, just staring at me with disbelief on his face.

  “Please say something,” I begged in a pathetic voice.

  Jeremy shook his head, like he was trying to clear it out. “You had an abortion? When?”

  “When I was nineteen.”

  “When you were nine—”

  I could see the realization dawning on his features as my admission fully sank in. Before I could register his movements, Jeremy was off the couch and pacing the living room, grabbing his hair and pulling roughly.

  “Jesus fucking Christ, Savannah!”

  He continued pacing as the tears streamed down my face.

  “I’m so sorry, Jeremy,” I pleaded. “I didn’t know what to do.” I jumped off the couch and placed myself in front of him, desperate for him to understand. “I made a mistake. If I could take it back—”

  He cut me off with a wave of his hand as he took a step away from me. “Before or after, Savannah?”

  “I don’t understand,” I said in confusion, wringing my hands in front of me.

  Jeremy took a step toward me. He was so close that I had to strain my neck to look into his anger-filled eyes.

  “Did you get rid of my child before or after you fucking ended it?” he asked through clenched teeth.

  I cringed at his harsh tone. I kn
ew I deserved so much worse than just his anger, but I also hated having it directed at me. “Before,” I cried.

  “FUCK!”

  I grabbed hold of his arms and tried desperately to get him to look me in the eyes. I had to get him to see how sorry I was, to understand why I’d felt like I had no other choice. “Please, Jeremy! God, I’m so sorry. I didn’t know what else to do!”

  “You didn’t know what else to do? How about not getting rid of my baby without fucking talking to me first? How could you, Savannah?”

  “Jeremy, please try to understand,” I begged. “We were just kids. I didn’t have the first clue how to be a mother. All I could think was that I was going to fuck my child up the way my mom had with me.”

  He stayed unbearably quiet so I pushed forward, trying to explain every factor that had played in my decision to end the pregnancy.

  “Emmy had just lost her baby. Everything was turning upside down!”

  “Don’t!” he yelled. “Don’t use what happened to Emmy as an excuse. You did that seven years ago, and you’re doing it now. It’s BULLSHIT!”

  “I swear, baby, I didn’t think there was any other way!”

  Jeremy brushed off my hands in disgust and stepped away from me again. “You knew. Goddamn it, Savannah! You knew how much I wanted a family with you. You didn’t even give me a fuckin’ choice. We could’ve talked about it and tried to make it work.”

  I placed my hands on top of my head and tried to breathe past the fear clogging my throat. “I made a mistake—”

  “A mistake? A MISTAKE! Are you fucking shittin’ me right now? You got rid of my kid, then you crushed my goddamn heart! And you call that a mistake?”

  I tried reaching for him again. “Jeremy, honey, I love you. I’m so sorry.”

  “Don’t…touch me. And stop saying that! Sorry doesn’t matter for shit. I loved you, Savannah. You’re the only damn woman I’ve ever loved.”

  “You’re the only man I’ve ever loved, Jer. You have to believe me!”

  “You want me to believe you? Are you kidding? You never gave a shit about me, Savannah. It’s clear I registered a very distant third to Emmy and your own selfishness.”

  “No! That’s not true!”

  I ran after him as he charged toward my front door. I couldn’t let him leave without making him understand. I had to make him understand.

  “Don’t go. Please!”

  Jeremy spun around with his hands up, palms facing out. “Just stop. I can’t even look at you right now.”

  With that, he turned on his heels and walked right out the door. He never once looked back before peeling out of the driveway and away from me.

  I felt like I’d been punched in the gut so damn hard that all the air was knocked out of me. My mind was spinning, trying to process what Savannah had just told me. I felt like I was living in some sort of twilight zone. There was no way the girl I loved could have done something like this to me, something so selfish and deceitful.

  I couldn’t wrap my brain around it. Earlier, when I’d been standing in her living room, I didn’t even recognize the person in front of me. All I knew was that I had to get out of there. If I stayed, I knew myself well enough to know that I’d say something I could never take back.

  Going home wasn’t an option. There was no doubt that sitting in my dark apartment with the walls closing in on me was just going to make matters worse.

  Before I even registered what direction I was driving in, I saw the bright lights of Colt 45’s lighting up the parking lot. I found myself swerving in and pulling my truck into an empty spot. Drowning my sorrows had never sounded more appealing. My feet dragged me through the motions of walking across the gravel parking lot and past the doors into the dimly lit smoky bar until I reached a vacant bar stool.

  “Shot of Jack,” I told the bartender. “And might as well leave the bottle.”

  The guy didn’t even blink twice before sitting a shot glass and a bottle of Jack that was three-quarters of the way full in front of me.

  I was five shots in, and the knot in my stomach was finally starting to unravel slightly when I felt a hand slap my shoulder.

  A voice called out from behind me, “Hey, brother. How’s it goin’?”

  I looked over my shoulder to see Trevor standing there with a casual grin on his face. The smile slowly slipped off when he caught my expression. “Jesus, Jeremy. You look like shit, man.”

  I turned back to my shot glass and downed number six. “Thanks. And here I was, feeling fine and fuckin’ dandy,” I deadpanned.

  Trevor planted himself on the empty stool next to me, and then with his empty beer bottle, he signaled for another to the bartender. “You want to tell me what’s going on?” he asked after taking a pull from his full Budweiser.

  I set up another shot and twirled the amber liquid around in the glass before downing it. “Not really, man. No offense, but I’m really not in the mood for company right now.”

  “How many shots have you had so far?” he asked.

  My brain was thankfully beginning to get fuzzy, so I was having a little trouble remembering how many I’d had. “Don’t know. Six or seven, I guess.”

  “Shit,” he muttered. “You typically only drink like that if you’re celebrating or trying to forget something. And seein’ as you’re here alone, I’m thinking it’s the latter.”

  I let out a deep exhale and turned to look at the two Trevors sitting next to me. Shit. When the fuck did he get a twin? “You aren’t going away until I talk, are you?”

  The Trevor twins gave me a shit-eating grin. “Nah, probably not.”

  I ran my palms over my face and tried to clear my vision. “Fine. Fuck it. I found out some stuff tonight that I’m having trouble processing. I figured getting shit faced was the best option.”

  “This stuff have anything to do with you and Savvy?”

  “Yeah,” I grumbled into my shot glass before emptying it again.

  What the hell happened to all my Jack? Somehow, the bottle was only a quarter full. When did that happen?

  Trevor took another drink before clearing his throat. “Look, I’m not gonna sit here and make you pour your guts out or anything. But can you at least tell me that you set up a ride home before you got here and buried yourself in the bottom of a bottle?”

  I let out a humorless laugh and turned to see concern in his features. “I didn’t really get that far, man. I just bailed out of there and found myself here.”

  “I think you should let me take you home now before you do something you’ll regret.”

  “Want to know the funny thing, Trevor?” I asked, not really caring if he wanted to hear it or not. “For the past seven years, I’ve been living with regret, thinkin’ that if I’d just done something different, I wouldn’t have lost her. Turns out I’m not the one who should have been regretting anything. It’s all on her.”

  Trevor blew out a breath and ran a hand through his hair. “I’m not even sure what you’re saying right now, but I’m guessin’ that whatever went down between you and Savvy was some pretty heavy shit.”

  “You’ve got no clue,” I replied before finishing off the last of the Jack.

  After hopping off the bar stool, Trevor dropped some bills on the counter and waved to the bartender to take my shot glass. “Well, brother, whatever it was that happened isn’t worth the hangover you’re definitely gonna have in the morning. I think it’s time I get you home.”

  A large part of me wanted to tell him to go fuck himself, but seeing as I was three sheets to the wind and the bottle of Jack had miraculously disappeared, I decided it was for the best, so I let Trevor lead my wobbling frame out the door and into his car.

  The rest of the night was a blank.

  My eyes felt gritty and my lids were puffy and heavy. Crying all night and lack of sleep were making me feel delirious. I’d been in tears from the moment Jeremy walked out my front door the night before, and I hadn’t been able to stop. I’d worn a path on
the carpet in my living room from pacing. My cell phone was still clutched in my hand. I’d gone back and forth between texting and calling him every few minutes. He’d never once picked up or responded, not that I’d really expected him to, but I couldn’t bring myself to stop trying.

  “You’ve reached Jeremy. You know what to do.”

  I released a defeated sigh and left another message. “Jer, please call me back. I know you’re beyond mad at me right now, but I know we can get through this. I just need you to talk to me,” I pleaded before finally disconnecting.

  Anxiety was clawing at me from deep inside, and I felt as if the only thing holding me together was my skin. I was frantic, panicked, sad, and fearful. Basically, every horrible emotion people try never to feel was bundled up inside of me, trying to make its way to the surface. I was losing it. I needed to talk to Jeremy more than I needed to breathe.

  I finally resigned myself to the fact that I’d tried to reach him by phone, and he’d chosen not to answer. Knowing I had no other choice, I grabbed my keys and purse off the small table next to my front door, and ran out to my car. I hadn’t even bothered looking in the mirror before leaving. There was no doubt my hair was a matted, tangled mess, and any makeup I’d had on from the prior day had already been cried off. I knew I looked like a mess, but I just didn’t care. Since Jeremy refused to pick up his damn phone, I was giving him no other choice. I’d stand at his door and yell his house down if that was what it was going to take to get him to speak to me.

  Oh God. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d been so hungover.

  I managed to peel my eyes open enough to notice that I’d somehow gotten myself to bed even though I wasn’t sure how. Still in my clothes from the night before, I was splayed across the middle of the bed, lying on top of the comforter, with my booted feet hanging off the side.

  The relentless pounding in my head refused to let up, and I was seconds away from losing the contents of whatever was in my stomach from the night before. Just as I rolled over to drag myself into the bathroom, I noticed that the pounding wasn’t just coming from inside my skull.