Rising from the Ashes

by Jessica Prince

  “Savannah? What are you doing here? Is everything okay?”

  I wrung my hands together nervously, trying to maintain the courage to do what I thought needed to be done. “Sorry if I woke you,” I lamely replied. “I was just out for a run and I noticed I was on your street.”

  He took in my black spandex running pants and tight tank top. “I see that. Any reason you decided to go for a run at nine at night?”

  “I just…I guess I was tired of my own company, you know?”

  Ben placed his hands on my shoulders and knelt so that he was at eye level with me. “Are you all right, Savannah?”

  I was so tired of everyone looking at me with concern or pity. Seeing that in Ben’s eyes fortified my nerves. Standing on my tiptoes, I wrapped my arms around his neck and pressed my lips to his. He froze in shock for a few seconds before pulling away.

  “Savvy, what are you doing?” he asked.

  I reached up and ran my hands through his hair, and down around his shoulders, trying to pull him back down to me. “You asked me out before, but I was still tied to Jeremy. That’s done now.”

  I went in for another kiss, but he grabbed both my wrists in his hands and gently pulled my arms from around his neck.

  “Savannah…” he whispered softly with a small shake of his head.

  I instantly saw the regret in his eyes. That was enough to rattle me to my core. “Oh my God. You don’t want me anymore, do you?” I asked, embarrassment running through my entire body as I took a step away from him.

  “I’m so sorry,” he responded. And to his credit, he seemed completely sincere. “It’s just that…I—”

  “Benny, is everything okay out here?” The door next to Ben pulled open wider, revealing a sleepy-eyed, pajama-clad Mickey. “Savannah, sweetie, what’s going on?”

  Ohmygod, ohmygod, ohmygod.

  “Oh shit. Oh God. I’m so sorry.” I stood there, staring at the two of them, as tears began running down my cheeks. “I’m so sorry,” I repeated, not knowing what else to say.

  “Savannah, it’s all right,” Ben insisted.

  “No, it’s not!” I ran my hands over my cheeks, swiping at my tears. “As if I wasn’t already enough of a fuck-up, I just came to my boss’s house in the middle of the night and threw myself at him while one of my closest friends was in his bed.”

  The hysterical laughter started back up again and combined with the tears I couldn’t get to stop.

  Mickey stepped past Ben and reached for my arm. “You didn’t know we were together, honey. It’s okay.”

  “It’s not okay,” I demanded. “God, I’m a horrible person,” I whispered more to myself than to Ben and Mickey.

  “You aren’t a bad person,” Ben insisted.

  “Savvy, babe, why don’t you come inside?” Mickey asked, trying to mask her growing concern with a smile.

  “I can’t. I…I have to go.”

  Before either of them could say another word, I turned and ran, heading back down the path toward my house. I couldn’t stand there with them any longer. I was beyond humiliated.

  By the time I made it back to my house, I had three missed calls and voice mails on my cell—two from Mickey and one from Ben. I listened to the first message from Mickey, telling me that she wasn’t mad and that she was worried about me before asking me to please call her back. I deleted the rest of the messages without listening to them.

  I walked into my bathroom, stripping off my sweaty clothes and dropping them haphazardly along the way. I set the water as hot as I could stand it and stood beneath the spray, wishing the water could wash away my shame.

  By the time I got out, my skin was bright pink and pruney, and I didn’t feel any better about myself. I needed to do some serious thinking about the direction my life was going in and what I could possibly do to get it back on the right path. I spent the entire night, staring at my ceiling, trying to figure out how to fix everything I’d screwed up.

  When my alarm went off the next morning, I was no closer to finding an answer.

  The only good thing that came out of the following week was the fact that Ben spent most of his time in court, so I didn’t have to try too hard to avoid him at every turn.

  Mickey was a different story though. After a week of avoiding her phone calls, I guess she’d had enough, and she decided to come by the office to talk to me.

  “I figured this was my best chance at talking to you,” she said from the doorway of my office.

  She scared the ever-living hell out of me, and I let out a frightened yelp as I spun around with my hand over my rapidly beating heart.

  “Jesus, Mick. Are you trying to give me a heart attack?”

  She pushed off the doorframe and walked over to take a seat in the vacant chair. “Well, it’s not like you’ve left me much choice. If I had given you a heads up, you probably would’ve run on me. What other option did I have?”

  I narrowed my eyes at her. “I don’t know. Maybe try knocking?”

  “Where’s the fun in that?” she asked with a wicked grin. The smile quickly faded, and she suddenly became serious. “Why have you been avoiding me, Savvy?”

  I let out a frustrated breath and ran my hands through my flat hair. Putting effort into my appearance wasn’t something I cared much about nowadays. Most days, I wouldn’t bother blow-drying my hair, opting to throw it up into a sloppy ponytail, and I wouldn’t even bother with makeup. Most of my clothes sloppily hung off of me since I hadn’t been able to eat much, and I’d spent the majority of my free time running.

  “I thought that was pretty obvious, Mickey. I showed up at your boyfriend’s house in the middle of the night, and I made a pass at him.”

  She leaned forward, resting a forearm across her knees, and began counting off on her fingers. “First of all, it wasn’t the middle of the night. It was, like, nine o’clock. That’s still early enough to be okay. Second of all, you had no clue he was my boyfriend. And he’s smokin’ hot, so I can’t really hold that against you, can I?”

  She was trying to use humor to lighten the situation, but it wasn’t making me feel any better.

  “That doesn’t matter, Mick. I saw the way he was looking at you that night we were all at Colt’s. If I hadn’t been so self-involved lately, maybe I would have noticed that my boss and one of my best friends were together.”

  “You are the least self-involved person I know, Savannah.”

  I let out a sarcastic snort at that. “Tell that to Emmy and Jeremy. I’m sure they’d both disagree with you.”

  “I don’t care what they’d say,” she replied vehemently. “I know the truth. They’re just hurting right now. They’ll come around.”

  I started to shake my head, but she cut me off with a wave of her hand.

  “And no one knew about Ben and me. We’ve been keeping the relationship under wraps since it’s still in the early stages. We didn’t want to have to deal with answering any questions while we’re trying to get to know each other.”

  For the first time in a week, I actually gave the thought of Ben and Mickey being together some serious thought. That put a sincere smile on my face. “And how’s that going?”

  Her face completely lit up. “It’s going great.” Her smile spread so wide that I was sure her cheeks had to hurt. “Ben is absolutely perfect,” she said. Then, her smile dimmed slightly. “I’m actually a little terrified by just how perfect he is.”

  “Why are you terrified?”

  “It’s just that…well, he’s amazing,” she stated, like that one sentence should explain it all.

  “Still not seeing how that’s a bad thing.”

  Mickey gave me a look that said it should be obvious. “Look at him, and look at me. He’s a suit-and-tie-wearing lawyer, and I’m covered in ink and piercings and tattoo people for a living. It’s not like we really fit together.”

  I reached over and slapped her on the shoulder for being completely insane. “You’re ridiculous. Just because you don’t look
the same doesn’t mean you don’t fit together. That man has been crazy about you since the first night you met. I bet he’s absolutely sprung.”

  Her uncertainty started to melt away, and it was replaced with hope. “You think?”

  I placed my hands over hers and gave them a supportive squeeze. “I know so. You’re one of the most amazing people I know, Mickey. And Ben’s a smart man. He knows what he has in you, trust me.”

  She leaned in and wrapped her arms around me, hugging me tight. “He’s just so different from what I’m used to dating, you know? He’s…”

  “Employed?” I offered.

  She rolled her eyes and gave a small laugh. “I was going to say, a complete gentleman.”

  “That too.”

  She placed her hands on my shoulders and looked me right in the eyes. “You know, maybe your little pep talk there should be directed more toward yourself. You’re a pretty amazing person yourself.”

  I lowered my eyes and let out a deep breath. “I’m not so sure about that. I haven’t been feeling all that amazing lately.”

  “Maybe you should take a little vacation,” she suggested. “Get away for a little bit to clear your mind.”

  Leaving Cloverleaf wasn’t something I’d really given much thought to. The town had always been my home, filled with all the people I loved and who loved me. My family.

  But I hadn’t been feeling that sense of family. To be completely honest, I’d never felt so alone and miserable in my life. I gave Mickey’s suggestion some serious thought.

  “You know what? I think you’re right. Maybe leaving is exactly what I need.” I just didn’t tell her that I was considering being gone for a lot longer than just a simple vacation.

  I’d stuck around the office later than usual. I knew Ben would be coming back after he was done in court, and I needed to talk to him. I knocked on his office door and stepped in just as he turned away from his computer.

  “Savannah? I’m surprised you’re still here. I thought you would have left a long time ago.”

  I chewed on my bottom lip as I took a seat in the chair in front of his desk. “I wanted to talk to you without the risk of anyone overhearing.”

  He looked up at me with a crooked smile. “Well, at least you’re talking to me now. I guess that’s progress.”

  I sucked in a deep breath and closed my eyes for a brief second. “Yeah, well, you might not be so happy when you hear what I have to say.” I watched his expression as his smile fell away. “I need a favor.”

  It had been five days since I sprang my unexpected request on Ben, and things were moving along a lot quicker than I’d expected them to. I woke up that morning with a heavy chest as I went about getting ready for work.

  It was my birthday. I’d finally made it to twenty-seven. And what did I have to show for it? I was single, my friends were dropping like flies, and I had no relationship with my parents whatsoever. Those facts just made me even more determined to see my plan through.

  Happy birthday to me.

  It had taken a while, but I finally figured out a way to fix my fucked up life.

  I stepped out of the shower, listening hard for a knock on the door. Every year, Emmy would stop by first thing in the morning with a piece of pie and a birthday present. She always wanted to make sure that she was the first person who got to wish me a happy birthday and that hers was the first present I opened.

  By the time I was dressed and heading out the door, she still hadn’t shown up. I couldn’t deny that my heart ached at the fact that she hadn’t shown up. I shouldn’t have been surprised. Despite Lizzy’s and Stacia’s incessant pleading, I’d refused to let them throw any sort of party to celebrate. I wasn’t in the mood, and there really wasn’t anything in my life worth celebrating.

  It was just another day.

  I walked into Virgie May’s and took a seat at the counter next to Luke, who was busy reading the paper.

  “Morning, Jer,” Emmy called from behind the counter. “What can I get for you?”

  I looked at Emmy and gave a small smile. “Just a cup of coffee for now, Emmy girl. Thanks.”

  She sat a mug in front of me and filled it to the top. “How are you doing, honey?” she asked, her voice full of sympathy.

  “I’m doing okay, I guess. Did you go by this morning?”

  I knew that she would know exactly what I was talking about without having to go into detail.

  She lowered her head, refusing to make eye contact, as she began scrubbing the counter. “No, I didn’t,” she answered quietly.

  My stomach dropped a little at her response. A large part of me was still so mad at Savannah that I couldn’t see straight, but I hated knowing that she was alone on her birthday. It just didn’t seem right. Knowing that Emmy and Savannah weren’t on speaking terms didn’t sit well with me, but it wasn’t like I could say anything to Emmy about it without sounding like a hypocrite.

  “I understand,” I replied quietly.

  Luke had remained silent throughout the entire exchange until that very moment. He let out a humorless snort, and we both turned to look at him. His eyes were still on the paper as he took a sip from his coffee mug.

  “Is there something you’d like to say, Mr. Allen? Or are you just going to sit there, making annoying ass noises all damn day?” Emmy asked Luke.

  The tension between them was thick enough to let me know that whatever they were currently fighting about wasn’t something new.

  “You already know what I have to say,” Luke replied, never once taking his eyes off the paper.

  Emmy reached over, snatched the paper out of his hands, and slapped it down on the countertop. “Why don’t you go ahead and share with the rest of the class?”

  Luke folded his hands on the counter and shot a sarcastic smile at Emmy. “Fine, if that’s what you want, baby girl.”

  She waved her hand at him, indicating that he should continue. “By all means, go for it.”

  “All right then. I think both of you are acting ridiculous. You,” he said, pointing at me, “are concerned enough about Savannah that you wanted to make sure someone was there this morning to celebrate her birthday with her.” He turned to Emmy. “And you are so mad at yourself for not being there for your friend that you can’t even look people in the eye when they bring her up. Like I said, ridiculous.”

  I sat there, stunned speechless at Luke’s little rant. When the hell did that man become so perceptive?

  “Luke, you don’t—”

  He cut her off with an eye roll. “Know what I’m talking about? I know, I know. You keep saying that over and over again. Doesn’t change the fact that you’ve been miserable ever since you stopped talking to her.”

  Emmy slammed her hand down in frustration. “What she did—”

  Luke cut her off again.

  The man was really pushing his luck today. I was certain that interrupting Emmy twice in as many sentences was going to earn him some serious repercussions.

  “Wasn’t done to you,” he replied passionately, causing Emmy to rear back in surprise. “Look”—he turned on the bar stool so that he could address both of us—“I know that what she did was hurtful. I get that. But don’t you think the woman has suffered enough? Christ, she’s your best friend, Emmy. I see how not talking to her has been eating at you. And, Jeremy, despite what she did, she’s still the love of your life.”

  I opened my mouth to stop him right there, but he wasn’t having any of it.

  “She was a scared kid. She made a mistake. Trust me, I know all about those. But she didn’t do it to hurt you, man. It wasn’t malicious. Our little group is the only family Savannah has ever had, and she thought she was trying to do right by one of them.”

  All I could do was sit there and blink, letting Luke continue as he turned back to Emmy.

  “Baby, I know you’re sensitive about losing Ella, and there isn’t a day that goes by where I don’t regret not being there for you. But you’re a sister to Savann
ah. The last thing she wanted was to cause you any more pain. You need to get past this. It wasn’t done to you, honey. Right or wrong, what she did, she did to spare you.”

  I saw tears forming in Emmy’s eyes as she listened to him speak.

  “Jeremy…”

  Luke’s voice pulled my attention off of Emmy and back to him.

  “You have to listen to me when I tell you this. You can’t hold on to the past in order to stay angry. All that’s gonna do is eat at you until there’s nothing left. You have to move on. Forgiveness is tricky, but trust me, it’s so worth it in the end.”

  He reached over and placed a hand on Emmy’s, looking at her with a smile full of so much love.

  “My mom told me I’d never live a whole life if I didn’t have Emmy in it, and she was right. You’ve gotta ask yourself, will your life ever be whole without Savannah?”

  Luke stood and leaned over the counter to plant a kiss on Emmy’s lips before leaving for work. Both of us were just silent for a while.

  “I think we might have fucked up,” Emmy said, breaking the silence.

  “Yeah,” I replied, feeling my stomach knotting up. “I think we might have.”

  “Savannah?”

  I turned around in a daze to find Ben standing at my door.

  “You okay? I’ve been calling your name. Didn’t you hear me?”

  “Huh?” My brain was foggy, and my energy was shot. “Sorry, I must not have been paying attention.”

  “Are you feeling okay? You look a little sick.”

  He wasn’t too far off the mark. I wasn’t sure if I was coming down with a cold or something, but I definitely wasn’t feeling like myself. But I’d be damned if I was going to take a sick day and sit at home, feeling bad for myself.

  “I’m fine. Just a little under the weather. I’ll be okay.”

  “You sure?”