She sits beside me, and I watch the way she absentmindedly rubs her round stomach. She’s in the midst of her second trimester, and she’s rocking the most amazing baby bump. She’s glowing, and it’s wonderful to see, but it’s also like a dagger to the chest that I’m nowhere near to becoming a mom or a wife or even anything close to resembling the love Jo and Drew share. I’m jealous, and if I’m being honest, I can’t help but resent her a little. It’s not her fault, but I want what she has, and I have for a long time.
I’ve gone from guy to guy, hoping to find the one person to spend my forever with. I just never anticipated finding him and then being forced to walk away, time after time. I can’t stop thinking about our last conversation. It keeps going over and over in my mind. I keep wondering if I could have said something to change his mind, anything to make him want to take a chance on me, on us. I know it’s pointless since it’s in the past, and honestly, I don’t think anything I said would have changed his mind. What’s even more painful is that I love him even more for putting Sophia first; it just shows how much of a great dad he already is. I can’t fault him for wanting to be the best father. I just wish it didn’t have to mean breaking my heart in the time being.
“I get that it’s hard, but you have to get back up and continue living your life. As much as I love you being here, you can’t keep being cooped here on my sofa. You have your life, family, and job back in Dallas. You can’t just hide away and give up.”
I get what she’s saying, and deep down, I know this, but the rational side of me is currently being buried under the heavy burden of heartache. Instead, my rational side is being overridden by my irrational side, and I snap.
“Oh, you’re one to talk. You spent five years living your life like this after Christopher’s death, and yet, when I hit rock bottom, I can’t even take the week off to dwell in my own grief.”
Jo glares at me like she’s just been slapped. “You’re seriously going to compare this to me losing Christopher? Grow the fuck up, Kaelyn. This isn’t remotely the same, and you know it. Nobody died.”
Then, it’s my turn to glare at her.
She quickly backtracks when she realizes her mistake. “Yes, Chase’s wife died, but I’m talking about you. You’re not dealing with a death, so you don’t get to make the same comparisons, okay? It is not the same.”
Immediately, I feel like a complete bitch. It isn’t the same, and I do know that. I fucking do. I turn my head away from her, so she can’t see the tears that have started to pool in my eyes.
She sighs and pulls her hand into mine, grasping me tightly, almost for dear life, and the pressure has me turning my head back to her.
“I’m not saying your pain isn’t real or that you’re not entitled to feel it, but this, what you’re doing, isn’t healthy. I hate seeing you so isolate and distant; it’s just not the Kaelyn I know. I’ve seen every version of you—sad, upset, happy, excited, drunk—but I’ve never seen you like this before, never seen you give up like this. You weren’t this upset after breaking up with Teddy—at least, not to this level.”
I just shrug, and when I don’t speak, she grips my hand even tighter.
“Kaelyn, speak to me. Tell me what’s going on in that head of yours. Tell me how you’re feeling. You can’t bottle it up.”
“You want to know how I’m feeling?”
She nods encouragingly.
I bite against my bottom lip as the tears continue to pool in my eyes.
“Every breath I take feels as if it’s killing my insides. My heart feels as if shards of glass have cut it into a million pieces, and every time I think about him, I just want to curl up into a ball and die. I’m not giving up; I just don’t know how to continue on when everywhere hurts. I miss him and hate him, all at the same time. Why did I have to go and fall in love with him? Why?” I ask as my sobs begin to build up in my chest before they erupt.
I rest my head in Jo’s lap and cry hysterically, unable to control the pain that ricochets through my body, breaking me from the inside out. She strokes my hair, and instead of telling me everything will be okay, she just remains silent, letting me go through the motions of my heartbreak.
When my sobs subside, I still cry as I begin speak, “There’s only ever been one time I’ve felt like this, and it’s when I was forced to walk from ballet. When I walked away from ballet, it was as if I’d lost the ability to walk, and this is what that feels like. But, instead of feeling as if I’ve lost a limb, it’s as if I’ve lost an organ, my heart. I don’t know how I’m supposed to get over another loss like that. The last time just about killed me.”
I turn, so I’m on my back, looking up at my best friend, and she brushes my tears away with the pad of her thumb.
“How did you get through it last time?” she asks with a knowing look because she already knows, but she just wants me to say it out loud.
“I focused all my energy on yoga and meditation. Then, you came into my life, and, well, losing ballet was worth it. If I hadn’t returned home, I would have never met you, and honestly, I don’t know what I would do without you.” Oh, great. Now, I’m getting all mushy, and I’m not the one with frigging pregnancy hormones.
Jo smiles down at me, her fingers continuing to caress through my hair. “Well, that’s what you focus on, and as for me, I will always be here for you. Always.”
“I know. I’m sorry for what I said about the Christopher thing. I’m just upset and feeling sorry for myself.”
“It’s okay. I hate that you’re hurting like this. I hope for your sake that the idiot will come to his senses. If not…then it’s his loss, okay? You are amazing. But he was right about one thing. You do deserve the world, and if he isn’t that guy, then find a guy who will treat you like a princess.”
“But I want him—” I pause mid-speech when I feel a tiny jolt coming from Jo’s stomach, and I jackknife to a sitting position. As I forget about my broken heart for a second, my eyes grow wide as I take in her baby bump. “Did the baby just kick?”
She rests her hand on her belly and lets out a breathless laugh. “Yes, the baby definitely kicked.”
“Has it done that before?”
She nods her head before grabbing my hand and setting it on her stomach. “No, that was a first.”
I almost squeal when it happens again, and a foot pressing against my hand is the best feeling in the world. “Oh my God,” I say while my eyes begin to glisten with tears but this time the good kind. “It’s as if he/she knew I needed cheering up.”
“Or maybe the baby is kicking because you stink. Also, have you noticed you haven’t seen much of Junior these past few days?”
“Yeah. I just thought he was…doing kid stuff.”
She shakes her head, smirking. “Nope. He’s been hiding away in his room because he can’t stand the smell and the fact that you’ve been crying nonstop for a week to Grey’s Anatomy.”
Shit, if the kid says I smell, I must.
“Will you please just go and shower?” she asks.
I finally relent, forcing my lazy ass off the couch. I inwardly groan at the way my muscles scream at me in protest. Spending the week doing zero exercise and basically becoming a bum is really beginning to take its toll on my body.
Shit.
I ache.
Everywhere.
“Okay, I’m up. Any other requests while I’m up?”
“Um, yep. Junior wants to know when he can play on his PlayStation again since he hasn’t been able to get to it since you’ve been hogging the TV all week with ‘boring Grey’s Anatomy.’ His words, not mine.”
The tiniest laugh leaves my lips. “Shit, I’m such a bad aunt.”
“The worst,” Jo jokingly agrees with a chuckle.
She stands, and before she even has time to right herself, I pull her into a hug. “Thank you for being my person.”
She laughs against my ear. “Wow, you can really tell you’ve been watching too much Grey’s Anatomy when you give the
Christina-Meredith person speech.”
I pull away a little and nod. “Well, you are the Yang to my Grey.”
“Right. I am cutting you off. No more Grey’s Anatomy for you. When you return from the shower and we’ve eaten dinner, we’re going to curl up in my bed and watch Friends. No more depressing shit, okay? We need to get you cheered up.”
I nod my head. “Okay.”
Once I’ve showered and I feel somewhat human and no longer smell like a hobo, I return downstairs, dressed in yoga pants and a T-shirt. Just because I made the effort to shower in almost a week doesn’t mean I’m on the road to recovery just yet.
Baby steps.
Though, I am barefoot now and no longer wearing my pointes, so that counts for something, right?
Feeling a little dehydrated from the constant crying, I head to the kitchen for a much-needed bottle of water. I spot Junior at the breakfast bar, busy doing what I assume is his homework.
“Hey, kiddo,” I greet, giving him a noogie on the top of his head, the one thing I know he hates.
“Aunt Kaelyn, no,” he complains, but I hear the smile in his voice. He eyes me up and down and simply says, “Did you finally shower?”
I actually laugh, and it sounds foreign after all the crying. “Yes, I finally showered. I guess I smelled really bad, huh?”
“So bad,” he answers bluntly.
I swear, he’s every bit his mother’s son, personality-wise. Looks-wise, he looks so much like his dad, so much so that, sometimes, it’s like he’s Christopher’s reincarnation.
“Are you feeling better?” he asks, putting his pen down.
For a kid who’s not far from turning nine, he’s so considerate of others’ feelings that it’s not even fair. I want a kid like him.
He’s just the best.
I grab water from the fridge and lean over the counter. “Honestly, no, but being here is helping.” I unscrew the lid of my water, and I take a few long chugs, my mouth thankful for the icy-cold liquid.
“Did a boy hurt you?” he asks, intrigue lacing his voice.
Hurt me? More like took my heart and tore it straight out of my chest before stomping on it.
“Yes,” I tell him honestly.
He frowns, and I quickly realize how that sounds to an eight-year-old boy.
“Not physically,” I add. “He didn’t hurt me by hitting me or anything like that. He just hurt my heart, and sometimes, it feels just as bad.”
I know I shouldn’t be discussing the instabilities of grown-ups with an eight-year-old, but he nods as if he understands.
“I don’t know why anyone would want to hurt you, I never would.”
Oh my gosh, I’ve just about melted on the spot.
I round the island and wrap him into a big bear hug from behind. “You are my favorite guy, you know?” I tell him, leaning my chin on his shoulder.
He squeezes me back and smiles. “More than Drew?”
“Even more than my own brothers. I love you, dude.”
“I love you, too, Aunt Kaelyn.”
I pull away and smack a kiss on the top of his head. I then swivel his chair until he faces me. “I know, when you get older—and I mean, way older—you’ll start dating girls, maybe you’ll get married…”
The way he’s currently scrunching up his face tells me girls are still not on his radar.
Thank goodness for that.
“But please promise me you’ll be careful of their hearts, okay? Because they can be extremely fragile, and once broken, they can be really hard to fix. Please don’t become a douche bag—”
“Did you just tell my son not to become a douche bag?” My head whips round at the sound of Jo’s voice, and she doesn’t sound too happy.
I glance back at Junior and wince, and he sniggers under his breath.
“Um, maybe…” I say, turning back to her.
“Relax, Mama. I’m not a baby anymore. I know what a douche bag is.”
She steps closer to him and puts him under her scrutiny; her arms cross over her chest. “Okay, amuse me. What is a douche bag?”
I stifle a laugh at the confused expression on his face; it’s a look that screams, Is she being for real right now?
“Well, it means an idiot, silly.”
Jo’s eyes flick to mine, and I can hear the relieved exhale of breath she lets out.
Wow, she avoided that can of worms.
“Yes, it is, but if I hear you say that word out loud, it’ll be soap-treatment time, you hear me?” she threatens.
He just shrugs his shoulders and turns in his seat, back to his homework.
“You know, you’ve been threatening me with the soap treatment since I was, like, four, Mama, and you’ve never gone through with it. You gotta stop with the empty threats, it’s getting embarrassing.”
She stares at the back of his head with disbelief before returning her eyes to me, still astounded.
“He’s right,” I say, agreeing with the kid. “You’ve been threatening him with the soap for years, but you never go through it. You’re just not that kind of mama.”
“Maybe I need to think of a new punishment since he’s obviously getting a little too cocky. I can’t even demand he do his homework because he’s already doing it,” she says with a shake of her head.
She heads to the refrigerator and starts taking ingredients out for dinner. As I take a seat on the breakfast bar next to Junior, she sets onions and peppers on the side.
“You feeling better after your shower?” she asks as she reaches for a knife in the knife block.
I shrug my shoulders before taking another chug of my water. “I don’t know about better, but I feel a little refreshed.”
“Well, you smell so much better. Next on the agenda is to get some food in that skinny body of yours. You think you can eat some enchiladas?”
My stomach grumbles a little. It’s not actually hunger that’s been my issue; it’s that everything has tasted like shit, and my mantra is, if it tastes like shit, then what’s the point of eating it? It’s probably why I feel lethargic and exhausted.
“I could eat. Do you have jalapeños?”
“Yes. Drew loves them. I have to buy at least two jars of them when I go grocery shopping. So gross. I don’t know how you guys stomach them.”
“Speaking of Drew, where is he?”
As if on cue, he pipes up from behind, “I’m right here.”
He saunters into the kitchen. In the most sickening way, he pulls Jo into his arms, and he sets a long kiss on her lips. “Hey, baby.”
“Hey,” she greets with love hearts in her eyes. He pulls away and fist-bumps Junior. “Hey, bud.” Then, his eyes land on mine, and he grins. “Hey, you showered.”
I roll my eyes. “Yes. I showered. Can I get my medal now?”
He rounds the island and sets his hands on my shoulders. “God, just as snarky as ever.” He sets a kiss on my cheek before pulling away.
“So, I see step one and two of getting Kaelyn off the sofa went off without a hitch, huh?” he asks Jo.
“Yep. Now, I’m on to step three. Get food in her system.”
“Oh, step six is getting closer.”
I shove his arms off me and glare at the pair of them. “Would you not talk as if I’m not sitting right here? And, also, what are the three other steps?” I ask, intrigue getting the best of me.
“Well, four is to get you to sleep in an actual bed and not on our couch. The fifth is to finally turn that frown upside down,” he says as he uses his thumb and index finger to tilt my mouth up.
I smack his arm away, and he chuckles, making my lips pull up the tiniest bit.
Ass.
“And the sixth…” He leans in and whispers the next bit, “Help you pack your bags and get you shipped back off to Dallas, so I can screw my fiancée on every surface of my house.”
I snort back a laugh when he pulls away. “You are my spirit animal, I swear.”
“I don’t even want to know what he t
old you, but knowing you two, it had to be filthy,” Jo says, shaking her head.
“It totally was,” I tell her before pinning my attention to Drew. “Sorry to disappoint you, but I plan on staying here for a little while longer, if that’s okay with you guys?”
I honestly can’t bear going back to Dallas right now, especially since I still don’t have a house and that everything I look at will just remind me of Chase.
“You can stay as long as you like, but only if you eat everything I set on your plate. Deal?” Jo asks as she begins cutting into an onion.
“Deal.”
Win My Girl Back
One Month Later
Chase
I hold Sophia to my chest as I rock her side to side, trying to soothe her high-pitched cries. I’ve been trying to get her to sleep for the last two hours, and now, it’s getting to the point where my ears are beginning to bleed.
“Shh, baby, it’s okay,” I coo to her in a soft voice.
I’ve tried everything. I’ve fed her, changed her, even sung to her, but nothing seems to be working. She just can’t seem to settle. She is a very content baby, but she has moments like this where nothing can bring her peace, and I think on some level it’s because she misses her mama, misses the connection she must have felt when inside Olivia’s belly. It must be hard to have a connection like that suddenly snatched away. She’s probably yearning for Olivia in a way I can never understand. All I can do is just try to ease her cries, and hopefully, the agony of not having her mama won’t be as painful.
Having a newborn has been one hell of a transition, especially in the sleep department. I absolutely love my sleep, and ever since I brought her home from the hospital three weeks ago, I’ve had probably had around four hours sleep per night with maybe a fifteen-minute cat nap during the day when Sophia sleeps.
I am exhausted.
I can’t remember the last time I showered. Hell, I can barely remember the last real meal I ate. However, even though I’m sleep-deprived and I smell like a hobo, I wouldn’t change having Sophia in my life. I love her. I love her so much that I would walk over broken glass, run through burning fires, and climb the highest buildings just to protect her. I will be her Superman until my last dying breath.
My Forever (Our Forever Book 3) Page 30
