My heart, even though it is filled to the brim with my love for Sophia, still has a hollow part in the center ever since Kaelyn walked out of my life. The night she left, a grief like no other crippled me. I had so much angst building inside me. I was unable to get the vision of Olivia dying out of my head. I was fucking terrified of raising a child on my own. Then, I went and pushed away the only person who had been there for me through thick and thin. The woman I was in love with, the woman I wanted to share my forever with.
After Kaelyn walked out, taking the rest of my heart with her, I gave myself that night to drown myself in my sorrows of losing both my best friend and my soul mate in one night. I drank way too much whiskey. I yelled. I cried. I broke every bit of china I could get my hands on. Then, when morning came, I wiped my tears, threw up, had a shower, and cleaned up the aftermath of the wreckage. Then, I squared my shoulders and took a deep breath. I found every tiny ounce of strength I had left and gave it to my daughter. The strength I’ve continued to give her ever since.
I’ve been managing, especially since Kennedy has been helping a little, but I’m definitely going a little stir-crazy since I haven’t been out of the house since I brought Sophia home from the hospital. I haven’t wanted to. It’s not even the media circus that is bothering me because that eased off really quickly after Olivia’s funeral, but I just haven’t been able to face the outside world. I’ve even had guys from my old team show up, but since I’ve pretty much ghosted them since I retired—including my close friend Todd Reynolds—I just sent them away. Tyler’s even called and left messages, but I haven’t responded. I’m a terrible friend but I’ve been through so much these past months that I need to breathe, and the only way I can breathe is to be alone.
The worst thing is that I don’t feel like this because I lost my wife. I’m still sad over her death, and at night, when I try to fall asleep, I can still hear the sound of her taking her last breath. The gasps rattling from her chest. I don’t think that’s a sound I will ever forget, but I made peace with her death way before she died. I’m feeling like this because I let the best thing that had ever happened to me walk out of my life. I thought I was doing what was right for Sophia, but as the days pass and the dull pain in my chest gets worse, I can’t help but feel like I’ve made a terrible mistake.
God, what I wouldn’t do to have her wrap her arms around me and to smell her heavenly scent, to hear her laugh, to feel her contracting pussy as she comes around my cock. I fucking miss her so much. Too much. How I’m able to function is beyond me. She gave me so much strength and made me laugh at even the toughest times. She was everything, and if I could rewind time, knowing what it feels like not to have her in my life again, I would never let her go.
I still believe that she deserves better, better than me, and that I’ll never be able to put her first when it comes to my daughter. It’s the reason that stops me from calling her. I have picked up the phone so many times with the intent to call her, to listen to her voice, to tell her I love her, but I can never go through with it. She deserves to find someone who can give her a fairy-tale ending, a happily ever after, and though I wish I hadn’t had to, letting her walk away was the right thing to do.
Not for me. But for her.
I just have to let go of the notion that there can ever be an us even though that’s all I want.
To be a family.
To give Sophia a real family.
I’m brought back to the present as Sophia’s cries pierce through my eardrums. Shit, maybe she isn’t missing her mama. It could be that I’m just bumming her the fuck out because, let’s face it, I’ve been a miserable son of a bitch.
I decide to try to give her another feed. I warm another bottle up before heading to my bedroom where I’ve set up a temporary nursery until I can bear the thought of her sleeping on her own. I take a seat on the rocking chair, and when she greedily latches on, the sudden quiet feels like I’ve gone deaf. It seems the bottle is the final thing to exhaust her because, not even halfway through it, she falls asleep.
Oh, thank God.
Continuing to rock in the chair, I burp her, and when I’m convinced she won’t spit any milk back up, I gently rise from my seat and set her in the Moses basket.
I know, while she sleeps, I should take a shower or catch a few Zs before I have to repeat the process of being a dad, but instead, all I can think about right now is pizza and a cold beer. I’m craving it like a motherfucker, and if I don’t eat or drink anything other than Cracker Jacks and coffee, I might just face-plant onto my bed and never wake up again.
Grabbing the baby monitor, I make my way out of the bedroom, head into the kitchen for a beer before grabbing my phone, and all but collapse onto the sofa. Thankfully, the remote control is in reaching distance, so I switch the TV on to ESPN where a hockey game between the Blackhawks and the Bruins plays. Then, after taking a much-needed sip of beer, I order myself a pizza.
Oh, fucking bliss.
While I wait for my pizza to arrive, I try to focus on the TV screen, but I find myself dozing. After what only feels like a few minutes, the gate intercom rings, and my eyes blink open again.
Pizza.
I set my beer down and stand, heading over to the intercom near the front door. Usually, I check who it is, but since I’m so delirious from the lack of sleep and food, I don’t bother checking the camera screen and just open the front gates for the pizza delivery guy. Since I already paid online, I grab a ten-dollar bill from my wallet for a tip. When there’s a knock on the door, I swing the door open, and instead of being greeted with the pizza guy, a fist meets my face. I stumble backward as pain ricochets across my skull.
“Fuck, shit!”
My hackles go up, and before I go to dive for the intruder alarm, my eyes lock on a familiar face. Suddenly, our previous conversation on Christmas night comes to the forefront of my mind.
“I told you, if you hurt Kaelyn, I would beat your ass,” Jace tells me as he comes inside, uninvited.
I nurse my already-swollen jaw. “Fuck, man, you could have given me a warning.”
“And what fun would that have been?”
Realizing he’s here to stay a while, I close the door behind him while he takes in my house. He lets out an impressed whistle. “Wow, the NHL life really pays off, huh?”
Working my throbbing jaw back and forth, I ignore his question and ask him one of my own, “How did you find out where I lived?”
“My brother is a cop, remember?”
“And he gave you his blessing to punch me?”
“He wanted to be the one to punch you himself, but I told him I wanted to since you gave me the authority to do so and all.”
I wince, remembering I did give him permission to kick my ass.
He looks me up and down, scrunching his nose up. “Dude, you look and smell like shit. You doing okay?”
I let out a chuckle. “You just punched me, and now, you’re asking me how I’m doing? Do you not realize how crazy that sounds?”
“Hey, I only punched you because I always keep my promises,” he argues. “I actually like you even though you did break my sister’s heart.”
My own heart cracks at his statement, and I loathe myself.
“So, you either look like that because you realize what a dick you were for letting Kaelyn walk out of your life or being a new dad is really taking its toll on you.”
“Um, a little of both but mostly dad stuff. I’m exhausted.”
“Now, I almost feel bad for punching you.”
When I cock a brow, he grins. “I said, almost.” Then, his smile gets even wider. “You should probably get some ice on that jaw.”
I shake my head with amusement before making my way to the refrigerator where I take out a bag of frozen peas. I hiss a little as I rest the bag on my jaw, the cold a little too much to bear. I then pull out a bottle of beer. “Do you want one?”
“I won’t say no,” he says.
I open the bottle wi
th the opener I have mounted on the wall near the stove before handing it to him.
“Well, you came all the way out here, in the middle of nowhere, to kick my ass, so you might as well take a seat,” I tell him, pointing to the sofa in the living room.
We both sit, and I mute the TV. Then, I grab my beer, taking a long sip.
I then ask him the question that’s been on the tip of my tongue since he clocked me one, “How is she?”
I don’t need to elaborate for him to know I’m talking about Kaelyn.
“She was a mess. She holed herself up at Jo’s for a few weeks. She said she was only staying in Austin until the contractors finished the renovations on her house but I knew it was because she was mending her broken heart. She’s a little better now but still not herself though. I’ve honestly never seen her like this. I’ve been there for a fair few breakups, but this thing with you has been the worst.”
With every word he speaks, it feels like a knife is carving its way around my heart. I have to take another sip of beer just to be able to breathe again.
“She loves you. You know that, right?”
I nod but don’t say anything.
“She told me you let her go because you think she deserves better. Do you want to know what I think?”
I’m guessing, even if I say no, he’ll tell me regardless, so I remain silent.
“I think you were scared. You were grieving for your wife, and then, all of a sudden, you had a newborn to contend with. I think you were feeling vulnerable. You didn’t want anything or anyone else to have the opportunity to hurt you, so you made this bullshit excuse of her deserving someone better, so she couldn’t hurt you first.”
It’s similar to what Kaelyn said to me seconds before she walked out the door, and something about it really stung. Hearing it again makes me think there is definitely truth there. I think I’ve been hurt so many times by the same woman, and years of anxiety and insecurities from a strained relationship began to flood me. I know I wouldn’t be able to cope with that kind of hurt and abandonment again.
“I think you might be right. Though she does deserve someone better than me.”
“Says who?” Jace asks bluntly, and it takes me off guard for a minute. “She’s been with so many idiots throughout the years that you, my friend, are like the prince of fucking England. If you were another dickwad, I would have done worse than punch you just once, dude.”
I smirk, pressing the peas a little deeper against my jaw. “How bad were these guys?”
“Let’s just say, she has a thing for attracting assholes. The only good guy she ever brought home was you—well, that was after I thought you were having your cake and eating it.” He chuckles. “It wasn’t until we bonded a little that I realized you were a good guy who just had shitty cards dealt to him.”
“Those shitty cards gave me an incredible daughter, though I really wish I could get some sleep. I’m so tired. I thought I knew what exhausted felt like after long weeks on the road, but this is a whole different ball game.”
He throws his beer back with fondness in his eyes. “I can imagine, but what I don’t get is, you’re here, smelling and looking like shit, doing this alone, when you don’t need to be. You have a woman who loves you and would give her left arm to be part of your family.”
I shake my head, sucking my bottom lip into my mouth. “This is my life, not hers. She shouldn’t have to deal with this burden. It’s my shit, you know. I would never disrupt her life like that.”
“Don’t you think this is something she should decide? You’re the one telling her what she deserves, but you never gave her a chance. You pushed her away before she was ever given the choice. If she didn’t love you, she wouldn’t have stuck around. She wouldn’t have put her heart on the line for you and wouldn’t have waited patiently until you were ready for more. If you hadn’t pushed her away, she would have waited an eternity for you.”
“But that’s the thing, Jace. I don’t ever want her putting her life on hold for me, for a guy who is not worthy of her. Plus, I’m a dad now. I have responsibilities and would never be able to put her first.”
He stares me down.
“So, that means you can’t be happy? That’s complete shit, and you know it. Chase, you can be a dad and have a relationship. It doesn’t have to be one or the other. And, just so you know, she would never be in a relationship with a guy who put her above his own children. The fact that you want to put your daughter first says so much about the man you are, about the man my sister loves. Answer me another question. Do you love her?”
I don’t even need to think about the answer to that. “Yes, I love her. I’m in love with her. I have been since the first day I met her.”
“Well, will you pull your head out of your ass and fight for her, for the fuck’s sake? Women like Kaelyn don’t come around often. Don’t be a dickhead and let the best thing that ever happened to you slip through your fingers because you will regret it forever. And I know that because I let my forever slip through mine.”
I blink, surprised. I got the impression from Kaelyn that her brothers were all players, but it seems Jace isn’t quite the player he was made out to be. He takes an envelope from the inside of his jacket pocket and hands it to me. I look at it and see cursive writing addressed to Chase Henderson and guest.
“What’s this?”
“It’s a wedding invitation to Kaelyn’s best friend’s wedding. Jo had been struggling to find an address for you, so she called me to see if Logan could hook a girl up, and since I wanted to see you, I offered to deliver it for you. The wedding is in two weeks in Austin. If you want to fight for Kaelyn, then here’s a fast-track pass.”
“Why is it addressed to guest?” I ask, confused.
“Your daughter,” he confirms, and I nod, smiling. “If you even think about turning up with a date, that shiner on your jaw will be the least of your worries,” he threatens before taking a sip of beer. Then, he leans forward on his knees and pins me with a challenge of a stare. “So, what are you going to do, Mr. NHL? You going to fight for her or let her become a constant regret for the rest of your life?”
I glance at the invitation, and I know immediately what I need to do. Ever since I let her walk away from my life, I’ve felt empty. When I’m not doing dad stuff or running a charity, she’s the only thing that consumes my mind. What I feel for Kaelyn is unlike anything I’ve ever felt before. After everything I’ve been through, I deserve happiness, and the only person I want that with is Kaelyn. I said I wanted to put my daughter first, for her to be my one and only priority, but how can I make my daughter happy when I’m truly not happy myself, not without my second-in-command by my side? I want to be with her, and now that I have nothing standing in my way, I’m going to take what I’ve wanted since I met her.
It’s taken a punch to the jaw for me to realize I was stupid to ever let her go. Jace is right; I was scared. I was scared of so many things, but mostly, I was scared of loving Kaelyn because, the last girl I loved, it didn’t end well for me. But she isn’t Olivia, and she never will be. She is Kaelyn.
My strength.
My beauty.
My ballerina.
“I’m going to win my girl back.”
Just as I say this, the intercom rings. Hopefully, this time, it’s my pizza.
I glance at Jace, worrying my bottom lip between my teeth. “Please tell me that’s just my pizza and not one of your brothers who also wants to beat my ass?”
He chuckles, shaking his head. “Nah, I think it’s just your pizza. Now that you mentioned pizza, I’m starving. You mind if I stay and eat with you?”
“Other than my cleaner and sister-in-law, you’re the first human interaction I’ve had in weeks. So, sure, you can stay and eat. Just know it’s a seventy-thirty ratio with the pizza because I haven’t eaten in what feels like forever.”
“I can work with that,” he says, finally taking his jacket off and relaxing back into his seat.
My Forever
Two Weeks Later
Kaelyn
The moment Jo steps into the living room in her wedding gown, I start bawling like a goddamn baby. She looks so beautiful and radiant, and her dress—oh my God—belongs in a fairy-tale story. It’s a strappy with a deep V-neck white dress that flows effortlessly from the waist to the floor, but what takes my breath away is how every inch of it sparkles with what looks like thousands of diamonds. When she gives us a twirl, she reveals the low-cut back that finishes a few inches above her ass.
“How do I look?” she asks.
I’m too lost for words, and Tyler, Junior’s uncle, and Jo’s other best friend, isn’t shaping up much better, as he doesn’t utter a sentence.
With tears running down my face, no doubt ruining my makeup, I walk to her with my hand clasped to my chest. It’s not even like I’ve never seen the dress before because I was there when she bought it. But seeing her with her hair perfectly pulled up in a bridal bun, her makeup on point, and looking positively radiant, thanks to her pregnancy, she’s just utterly breathtaking in a Princess Kate kind of way.
I bring her hands into mine, and I gaze at her in complete awe. “Jo, you look amazing. If you weren’t already pregnant,” I say, taking a glance at her bump barely showing under the dress, “just one look from Drew, and there’d be no doubt you’d be knocked up.”
She giggles, her breath catching with emotion.
When her eyes start watering, I glare at her. “No, you can’t start crying. You’ll ruin your makeup,” I reprimand, while tears fall down my face.
“You’re one to talk,” she tells me, eyeing up my mess of makeup.
“I can’t help it; my best friend is getting married. You’re finally getting your forever, and I couldn’t be happier.”
“Well then, at least let your face show it. If it wasn’t for that pretty dress, I’d assume you were going to a funeral.”
Laughing out a sob, I glance down at my burgundy red dress, which matches the same style of Jo’s with the straps and low V-neck back, and I smooth my hands down the material.
My Forever (Our Forever Book 3) Page 31
