Burning Up

by Marie Coulson

  Snapping back at me, I could hear the fear in his voice, “I can’t lose you again!”

  I was speechless. So this was what it all came down to? His fear of losing me? I was beginning to wonder if there was anything, any force on Earth that would reassure him. But was this really his fault? I broke his heart more than once and gave him numerous reasons not to trust me. Based on the way I felt just having Ollie near me, touching me, and teasing me, I wasn’t sure I trusted myself either.

  “Layla, when you left me, I was broken. You knocked the air from my lungs and tore my heart out. I’d never felt pain like it before. I’d never fallen in love before. I thought I would never see you, touch you, or be near you again. When you turned up in New York, I couldn’t believe it. It was like everything just made sense in my world again. For the first time in weeks, I could breathe again. I wasn’t numb anymore. Watching you leave almost ripped me in two, and I never want feel that way ever again. I can’t lose you to him. Not again.”

  I opened my mouth to speak but words failed me. He may have given the persona of a man with his shit together but deep down, Jared was just another guy in love. He was in love with me. Taking a deep breath, I closed my eyes and sighed.

  “I’m sorry, Jared. What I did to you, to us, was awful. I know this apology comes way too late, but I am sorry. But you have to understand that I want to be with you. I promise you have nothing to be worried about. I’m leaving here in four days and meeting you in Europe. Do you think maybe we can hold the crazy till then?”

  He gave a small chuckle. “Only thing crazy around here is how I feel about you. I’ll feel better when you’re here in Paris. I miss you. God, I’m beginning to sound like a love sick shmuk.”

  Now I was laughing. “Yes you do. But I like you that way. I should go. It must be pretty late there.”

  “It is, but I always have time for you.”

  Saying our goodbyes, we hung up, and I couldn’t shake the uncomfortable feeling that had settled in my stomach. It was happening all over again. I was keeping secrets. Jared’s constant spying and unwavering possessiveness was becoming very overplayed. He may have been missing me, but the main reason he wanted me in Paris was so that he could know where I was and who I was with all the time. It almost felt as though I was being stalked. I was tired of it and tired of fighting. It seemed if we weren’t in the throes of passion, we were in the throes of another major argument. The biggest problem was that I felt that one or both of us was always giving in too easily just to make it stop. Each of us was so frightened of making the other unhappy that we were afraid to stand our ground. Making Jared unhappy would have serious consequences for my body once he got a hold of it. Jared had a habit of punishing me with sex, and I had a habit of enjoying it. I sometimes wondered if I riled him up deliberately for that very reason.

  It was pretty obvious that the only reason Jared was letting things go was because he was scared I’d run off or leave him. For someone who claimed to love me so much, he had very little faith in me. I’d never met a man with such a contradicting personality! It was as though he could be two completely separate people.

  Grabbing a pillow from beside me, I held it over my face and growled loudly in frustration. When did being in a relationship become so hard? Was it like this for everyone? I didn’t remember it being so tough with Josh or Ollie. Maybe it was something about the two of us that just didn’t bond well. Too stubborn maybe? I had so many questions and so few answers these days that it was making my head spin all over again.

  Reaching for the remote, I flicked mindlessly through the channels in hopes of taking my mind off of my weird, wonderful, and infuriating relationship. I was just about to give up hope when I found a mind-numbing talk show, Delilah’s Daily Chat. Apparently the topic today was women who like to be controlled. I snorted a laugh as one woman began to explain how she enjoyed being told what to do as it meant she didn’t have to think for herself for a change. She was a doctor by day and a slave by night. And when I say slave, I mean it. The woman would spend her evenings on all fours serving her husband. She was a surgeon for heaven’s sake; have a little dignity woman. I was beginning to grow tired of the whole thing till they brought out a psychiatrist. She was very sympathetic and understanding of the people on the stage, and I wondered if she was thinking what I was. Door mats.

  “It’s a difficult thing to admit that you enjoy being controlled. These women here are extreme cases, Delilah. However, all over the country there are women in these kinds of relationships, and they don’t even know it. The main thing is that they first admit that they get some kind of enjoyment from it. It’s more than just a submissive and dominating thing. It’s the small things he does that make you sigh.”

  “These women think he is possessive because he must be ‘so in love’ or ‘so afraid that he is going to lose me.’ Unfortunately, this isn’t the case. There’s usually something deep inside that they haven’t yet discovered or come to terms with. Something from their past or childhood, perhaps.”

  Sitting bolt upright, I stared at the TV. Therapy! Of course. Why didn’t I think of that? I called myself a psych student? Jared Garrett was damaged. My poor, handsome, charismatic, and delicious mess of a man was in pain. He just didn’t know he was. His possessive and controlling streak couldn’t possibly just be caused by his business and his relationship with me. I mean he was always the jealous type right from the moment we met. He was always calling the shots, dictating our every move, and I was happy to be that way. I came back to him, didn’t I?

  No, this ran deeper than he and I or our relationship. Jared had been through a lot in his twenty-three years, and I could guarantee he was definitely the kind of man that was too proud to seek help.

  Forming a plan in my mind, I made a decision. Jared needed help and I was going to make sure he got it. It wasn’t like he didn’t have the finances to get it either. I had to do something because if we carried on the way we were, I was going to go nuts.

  * * * *

  “Hello? Layla?”

  Waving her hand in front of my face, Mel grunted. “Jeeze, girl. Have you listened to a word I said?”

  Shaking my head, I gave her an apologetic smile. “Sorry. I’ve got a lot on my mind.”

  She rolled her big green eyes and groaned. “All love sick for the master and commander, huh?”

  I shook my head again. “Do you think I’m a doormat?”

  Amy almost choked on her drink. “What?”

  Placing my own glass down on the table, I quickly scanned the area to make sure we weren’t over-heard. It was getting busy in Benny’s, and the risk of seeing someone I knew was growing.

  “You know what I mean. Do you think I let Jared control me?”

  Mel bit her bottom lip, and I knew she was trying to hide what she really thought. I’d known her all of my life and if I could count on just one person to give me honesty, it was Melanie.

  “Out with it, Mel,” I demanded.

  Taking a deep breath, she turned toward me and sighed. “Yes. You do. There, I said it. Ever since you met him you have let him get away with pushing you around, telling you what to do, where to go, and who with. It’s been driving me crazy! It’s like I don’t even know who you are when you’re with him.”

  Slumping into her seat, she looked as though an enormous weight had been lifted. I shot Amy an inquisitive look.

  “Well, sweetie, it’s not that he controls you, it’s more like you just kind of … give him whatever he wants. I know you love him and we totally support your decision, but I just think you need to let him know that you’re a strong and independent woman.”

  I stared at them both in horror. How could they have let me go on like this for so long? How long had they been thinking those things and not telling me!?

  “Don’t give me that look, Jennings. You totally know I’m right. I mean, you had a great life here at college, and you left because he was going to Europe. If he really loved you and really wanted what’
s best, he’d have stayed. I think he needs putting in his place. He’s so full of himself. He’s used to getting everything he wants, and you totally fulfill that role. Tell me, when was the last time you made a decision for yourself?”

  I snorted a laugh and scowled at her. “In New York. Jared asked me not to go out alone there as it was too dangerous, but I went sightseeing anyway.”

  Mel nodded as Amy watched us with an uncomfortable look on her face.

  “Uh huh. And I bet he was sooo forgiving when he found out. I bet he was totally supportive of your right to freedom?”

  I wanted to snap back at her with a short and sarcastic answer, but damn it, she was right. Staring at my glass, I furrowed my brow.

  “See. I knew it. Urgh, and you think I’m the crazy one.”

  Was I really so easy? How could I not have seen it all? They painted a very bad picture of Jared, and I knew they were wrong. He was sweet, romantic, and charming, too. He could make me feel like the most important person in the room with a single glance. His body made me tremble and weaken when it was merely in my proximity. Surely, I wasn’t imagining that.

  “Well fuck me sideways! Eric, look who it is!”

  Turning in my seat, I glared, wide-eyed at the short brown haired, tattooed, drummer that had just waltzed in to the bar. The blonde, equally inked, bass player followed right behind him.

  Groaning, I held my hands over my face.

  “Layla fucking Jennings. What are you doing here? Come to give me a goodbye blow job before you go all Amazon and hairy in Europe?”

  Sliding himself into the seat next to me, Nick pressed against me so far that I was forced hard into the side of the booth.

  “Nice to know some assholes never change around here. And no, I wouldn’t blow anything or anywhere near you even if you were on fire.”

  Nick chuckled. “I like it when you talk dirty.”

  Eric blushed and ran his fingers through his spikey blonde locks.

  “You really are a total douchebag. You know that, man?”

  Scooting Amy and Mel over, he slipped in and sat at the very edge of the bench.

  “So, what are you doing here then, Goldilocks?”

  Flicking my hair, Nick grinned at me, and my stomach turned.

  “Visiting.”

  Eric gave me a concerned look. “Does Ollie know you’re here?”

  I could have told them all. I could have said yes, but clearly if Ollie hadn’t told them, then I was pretty sure he didn’t want anyone to know about it.

  “No. And I wanna keep it that way. Got it?”

  Holding his hands out, Eric shrugged. “Hey, whatever. Just don’t get all pissed at me when he turns up here later.”

  I gasped and gave Amy and Mel a worried look. I couldn’t stay here. Not now. I had to go before he got there. I couldn’t see him again.

  “He’s coming tonight?” Amy asked.

  “Yeah. Said he had a rough week and needed a cold one with his pals.”

  Nick gestured toward the door. “Should be here any time now.”

  Grabbing my purse, I climbed over Nick and jumped out of the booth before hurrying to the bathroom. Swinging the door open I gripped the sink tightly and stared at myself in the mirror. My eyes were wide and my mascara was beginning to blur. I was panting and my heart was racing at the thought of bumping into him again. The anxiety building inside of me was making my stomach churn, and the constricting feeling made my chest literally hurt. What have I done? I can’t even face him now? The lump in my throat was now beginning to strangle me, and I started to cough and heave dramatically over the sink. I was going to be sick. Running for the toilet, I heaved all of my distress, pain, and tears from my body. When it was finally over, I sat back on my heels and rested my head on my folded arms, draped over the toilet. Sniffing through my tears, I felt someone pull my hair back from my face, and as I looked over my shoulder with tears in my eyes, I saw Amy. She gave me a comforting smile and rubbed my back gently.

  “Layla, honey, what’s wrong? Are you okay?”

  Poor sweet and innocent Amy.

  Getting up, I raked my fingers through my hair.

  “Amy, I can’t. I just can’t see him. I knew this was a bad idea. I should have stayed in Pasadena.” I paced around frantically trying to calm my nerves.

  “You don’t know what might happen. He might be totally fine when he sees you. You’ll talk, make amends and …“

  I cut her off and gripped her by the shoulders tightly.

  “No, he won’t.”

  She gave me a confused look. “How do you know?”

  Biting my lip, I glanced at the door that was still firmly shut.

  “Because … because I saw him.”

  Her mouth fell open.

  “It was the other day. I went to your apartment looking for you and they called up to get someone to okay my being let in. Anyway, Ollie came down and saw me there. He was furious! He yelled at me and said he hated me. He toyed with me and spat me out. He can’t stand me, Amy. I can’t exactly blame him!”

  Leaning against the sink, she shook her head fiercely. “Well, whatever he said, it’s bullshit. He doesn’t hate you, Layla. He’s hurt. Of course he’s hurt, but we all do and say things when we’re hurting. Do you really believe there’s no chance for the two of you?”

  I nodded weakly. “I need to get out of here. Amy, please don’t breathe a word about this to anyone. Promise me,” I pleaded.

  Wrapping me in a warm hug, she rubbed her hands up and down my back comfortingly. “Of course, I promise.”

  Reaching for the handle on the bathroom door, I froze. The sound of a guitar and a familiar voice in the microphone halted me.

  “Oh, God! Amy, he’s out there! On stage! He’ll see me!”

  Pulling the door open slightly, Amy grabbed my hand and dragged me from the bathroom. I couldn’t breathe. The lights on the stage were so bright that the entire bar was cloaked in darkness. Maybe I could slip out and he wouldn’t notice me.

  “Go around the back where everyone is gathered at the bar. He won’t see you. Go.”

  Giving me a quick hug, Amy gave me a gentle shove away from the stage.

  “Hey everyone. We’re D.O.A. and I know you all put in requests for some of our new stuff, but I wanna kick things off with a classic. It’s a great song by a great band and it means a lot to me.”

  Nick rolled his eyes as Ollie leaned across and told him what to play. Clearly, he wasn’t a fan. Standing in the corner of the room, hiding beside the bar, I watched as Ollie began playing his white guitar. It was the one I had bought him for his birthday. The soft and gentle sounds of Be With You by Mr. Big filled the bar and everyone whistled, yelled and cheered.

  His dark black jeans and white t-shirt reminded me of the rock star I had fallen in love with. His sleeves pulled tight against his thick arms and his hands clutched the neck of the guitar tightly. I felt my heart pound like a hammer almost in time to the beat of the drums. Ollie was a performer and everything sexy about rock and roll. His body moved in a way that almost made it as sensual as the instrument he was playing. His lip ring glistened under the spotlight, pinching his plump lip as he sang. His hair was tousled, and the way his hand caressed the mic stand reminded me of the gentle and attentive way he had once teased my aching body. It was a feeling I was yearning for once again. Just watching him made my body tremble.

  But Ollie was a professional. Even with a plethora of girls crowding the stage, he was completely focused. Letting go and giving himself over to the pulsations of the music, he sang each word with a heart-wrenching passion. Tilting his head back, he closed his eyes tightly.

  Seizing my opportunity, I made a dash for the door. I had just pulled the handle when a loud and booming solo began, and as I turned to see him, Ollie met my gaze. He saw me.

  I hitched a breath. I couldn’t move. My body betrayed me, and my blood heated as his big, beautiful brown eyes watched me with their heart-stopping intensity. Never br
eaking our connection, he grabbed the mic and he sang, hard and fierce into it as his eyes continued to burn into my skull. With tears in my eyes, I reluctantly tore myself away and out in to the night air. The cool breeze washed over me, and a feeling of relief became overwhelming. Relief from what? Relief that I was out of his sight or the relief that even after all he had said, and all I had done, Ollie still had feelings for me. Maybe Amy was right. If that song was anything to go by, Ollie didn’t hate me at all. He was in pain, but he didn’t hate me. He still loved me, and I had ruined him.

  Chapter 12

  An Uncomfortable Truth

  After the rollercoaster evening I’d had the previous night, I had gotten little to no sleep. My head was filled with confusion. Ollie still loved me. Jared and his jealousy were suffocating me, and my friends though he was controlling. The biggest problem was that I was going to be leaving in three days.

  Deciding that I needed a little alone time away from my family, friends, and the pounding in my head, I drove a little distance to the new development that was under construction near the college. I was eager to see how Jared’s money was being spent, and what exactly it was that kept him so busy all the time. Pulling into the parking lot, I stepped out of the car and gazed up at the huge building site. It was over half way finished, and the golden trim was gleaming in the sunlight. Jared and that golden trim. I smiled to myself as I recalled our date and impromptu trip to Garrett’s mall.

  I was just reminiscing about how things had changed so much since that night when my stomach gave a loud groan. In my haste to get out of the house, I’d skipped breakfast and lunch was almost over. Looking around, I spotted a cute little bistro opposite the site and headed over. It was French in theme and reminded me of the old nineteen sixties movies. A bicycle was mounted on the wall with some baguettes and garlic bulbs hanging from a wicker basket. The tables and chairs were small with elegant swirled steel legs.