"I'll keep my fingers crossed." I smile and hold up my fingers.
"It might not be a bad idea for you to say a prayer." He gives me the stern "dad" look.
"Yeah, I'll do that." I brush him off rather than get into the church argument again.
"You should consider coming to mass with us this Saturday." His heavy overtones of telling are not lost on me.
"I can't, I'll be out of town." Dodged that bullet.
"Are you and Eli getting away for the weekend?"
I feel like he's just poured salt in a wound. "No, it's for work. The Seattle comic convention."
"Oh well, that sounds very exciting too." He heads back to the living room knowing that this isn't going to be the day to convince me to go to church.
"I'm going to talk to Mom." I follow Dad in and sit on the coffee table in front of the couch. Being this much closer to her I'm able to see how pale she is. Her skin looks transparent. Her eyes are sunken deep into her sockets. I look over at Dad questioningly. Jesus, I thought he said she was doing better.
"Hey Mom." I pick up her hand; she's cold to the touch. I put the vase of lilacs on the table. "I brought you some flowers."
She glances over at me and her eyes light up. "Oh honey, I'm so glad to see you." She hands me her cup of tea and tries to sit up. She glances at the flowers. "They're so beautiful, thank you."
"Mom, don't feel like you have to get up. You should keep lying down." I urge her. She just looks so frail.
"No honey, I want to see you. I've really missed you." She seems to have snapped back to the living with us.
"Well good. I've missed you too." I lean forward and kiss her on the cheek. "So Dad tells me you've got good news from the doctor."
She lights up a little more at the mention of good news. "Yes, today is a big day. If everything turns out okay, then we may be starting the countdown for remission."
"I couldn't be happier." This really does feel like a nice reprieve from everything that's happening. "I've been working on some new pieces. One of them I'm doing is special just for you."
"That's nice, honey." And we've lost her again; she goes back to her spacey stare, where it feels like she's looking through me.
"Well, Mom, I've got to go. I'll be waiting to hear the results of your scan." I stand up and kiss her on the cheek again.
"Oh, it's so nice to see you." She smiles sweetly.
I give Dad a quick hug on the way out. "Call me when you find anything out."
"Will do," he reassures me.
Mom sits up. "Oh, and Elise, please come back and see me tomorrow. I do so love when you bring me fresh flowers."
"You got it, Mom." My insides sink. I know I shouldn't let this bother me so much, but it just does.
Dad looks at me with regret and mouths, "Thank you."
I can't get out of here fast enough. I close the door and lean up against it, trying as hard as I can to not let the deluge out that's brewing in me. I inhale a fortifying breath and start for my car.
When I get halfway down the driveway I hear Dad's voice behind me. "Shayleigh, hold up a minute."
I try to put on a good face before I turn around. I don't want him to see me this upset about Mom. "What's up?" An anemic smile spreads across my lips.
"Listen, I wanted to thank you again for humoring your mother. I know it helps to ease her pain." He looks down at his feet. This is so foreign for Dad. He continues. "And it means a lot to me that you are willing to do this. I just want to get her well physically, then we can work on the mental."
"I know Dad—" He cuts me off.
"No Shayleigh, I'm not just patting you on the head, I'm trying to tell you that I'm proud of you. The way that you've held up through everything. We've lost Elise and I know that losing Oliver has been hard on you and Eli." He takes a breath. "Losing both of them has been hard on all of us."
I feel my entire face pull backward trying to hold back the deluge about to break through. I just can't let go yet. It's not the time. "It has been very hard, Dad."
"I can only imagine how hard it has been for you with Mom, being constantly mistaken for her. Especially when..." He trails off, having reconsidered his words, but I'm very interested in what he has to say.
"When what?" I ask, trying not to sound too accusatory.
"Well...you know." He looks away from me.
"No Dad, I don't know. Tell me." My ire is prickling at whatever it is he's dancing around.
"Well, it's not like it's a big secret that you didn't love Elise." He says it quietly.
Bile immediately rises to the back of my throat. My face gets hot with rage and I'm sure I'm not going to be able to hold it in for one more second. "Are you serious?" My question is short for fear of what I might say in this rising anger.
"Well yes, Shayleigh, we aren't required to love our siblings. And I don't mean that you didn't love her, just that, well, you two didn't exactly get along." He's backpedaling. "I mean, I always had my suspicions, but at the funeral and for weeks after her death you showed nothing. It's like there's really nothing in you for her."
My eyebrows raise in shock at his assumption of how I feel or felt about Elise. I shake my head in disbelief that he could even imply that I didn't love my sister. Pointing at him, I let it fly. "You have no idea what I have been going through since Elise took her own life, killed herself, blew her fucking brains out with my gun. You don't know the life size hole that she blew through me when she shot herself in the head. She might as well have shot me too." My tears are threatening to spill over. I don't want to appear weak, but it's getting the better of me. "The regret and pain that defines my very soul every day is something you will never know. She was part of me, she was half of me, and now that she's gone we can never have the kind of relationship I spent my entire life chasing after. Every Goddamn day of my life I spent trying to please her, trying to take care of her, trying to get her to show one shred of emotion towards me.”
I don't dare take a breath for fear that he'll interrupt me, and this needs said. “Days that she would acknowledge my existence my heart would soar only to crash the next day when I meant nothing to her. I wore her heart on my sleeve, I wear her face on my mine, and yet she could never look at me with anything other than disdain." I can't stop, I just can't stop this verbal regurgitation, but he needs to hear this, he needs to know this and feel the truth in it. "Dad, I eat the pain of knowing she never wanted to be part of me for breakfast, lunch and dinner. You don't know what's it like to be rejected by the exact other half of your very being. There was a time when she and I shared a soul, a cell, a womb, and now I have no one, absolutely no one to share this pain that eats me alive every day. The pain that half of me is dead and gone." The tears can no longer be contained as I continue informing him of how wrong he is. "So no, I'm sorry that I didn't break down after the funeral and I'm sorry I don't cry for her every day, but Dad, when I start crying for her I know with every fiber of my being that I will never be able to stop crying for her. No, I didn't show one bit of emotion at the funeral, but it wasn't because I wasn't in pain. It was because I am in the kind of pain that you will never know or understand. She was my twin, and before she killed herself I always felt like I had a chance to feel what it was like to be connected to the other half of my soul. But now, now that she's gone I will never be more than half a person."
Dad comes and hugs me tighter than he ever has, tears forming in his eyes. The look of knowing what I might be going through is dawning on him, and he'll never understand, but now maybe he'll know that it isn't a lack of love, it's a lack of the part of my soul that she took with her when she died.
Chapter Eighteen
The Finer Points of Kissing
Trish comes trotting out the door yelling after me when I reach the elevator. "Hey, you almost forgot your itinerary. Are you fucking excited?" She hops up and down a little.
"Yeah, I'm not too keen on leaving right now. Mom had a bone scan three days ago and we're still waiti
ng for the results." I pull my mouth to the side.
"Oh Shay, you know that old bitch is going to be just fine. It's going to take a lot more than cancer to take her out. Quite honestly, I would think that cancer would be terrified to fuck with her." She smiles as though her words really should encourage me.
"Trish, come on. Not everyone that doesn't like you is a bitch." I raise an eyebrow.
"No, you're mom is just a bitch. Plain and simple. Who she does and doesn't like has nothing to do with it." She returns the raised eyebrow. She heads back toward the office, stopping at the door. "Oh, you should know that when I call her a bitch, I say that with the utmost respect. I would hope that one day I can achieve her level of bitch-dom. I look up to her." She winks at me, and the saddest part is that I know she means it.
"Trish, trust me, in many ways my mom doesn't hold a candle to you."
She puts her hand over her heart and gets a sincere look on her face. "Oh Shay, that means so much to me." She comes back toward me and opens her arms for a hug but stops short just in front of me. "Oh wow, that was close. We nearly had a tender moment." She spins around on her ridiculously high heels. "Call me when you get to Seattle, and have fun."
Leave it to Trish to put a smile on my face. I'm actually laughing a little.
Tomorrow I go to Seattle, and I'm so stinkin' excited sometimes I feel like I might come out of my skin. I'm really nervous to see how people respond to my commission art. Speaking of commission art, Jorge walks out of the doors of the office across the hall from Blood-borne. "Hey Jorge."
He smiles wide. "I was just coming over to see you. I got the painting. It's more amazing than I ever could have hoped for. Thank you so much." His gushing is making me uncomfortable.
"Thanks Jorge, did Rosa like it?" I really do want to know.
"She loves it, thought it was incredible." He pushes the button for the elevator.
"I'm really glad." We step in together.
"Are you excited about going to Seattle?"
"I am super excited. I can't wait to see what people think of my artwork." I bite my lip nervously thinking of the possibility of people not liking my work.
"I'm sure everyone will love it." We reach the bottom floor, but the doors take a moment to open. "Is Eli going with you?"
Ouch. "No, he isn't going."
Apparently my tone is bitter. His forehead wrinkles with concern. "Uh oh, why not?"
"We had a bit of a falling out." I pull my lips to the side and look down at my feet.
The elevator doors open and Jorge offers a little laugh. "It looks like you are about to have a falling back in."
Eli is standing on the other side of the door holding an enormous bouquet of flowers. "Hey beautiful." He flashes that killer smile of his and I nearly melt right there.
"Eli." My tone is flat. I can't let him off too easy. I step out of the elevator and brush past him as though he were nothing but an acquaintance.
Jorge follows me out of the elevator, shaking hands with Eli. "Good luck."
Eli blows out a breath and chases after me through the mezzanine and to my car. "Shay, please let me at least apologize for being an epic asshole to you."
I turn to him, with nothing but hurt in my eyes. "Really? You want to come to apologize now, four days later?"
"Well, I would have apologized sooner. But you wouldn't answer your phone and you haven't been staying at your house. Which reminds me, you should never have pets." He's keeping up with my fast, pissed off walk, which even for his long legs can be a challenge.
"Pets? What the hell are you talking about?" I ask, still walking.
"Well I got you a fish, but..." He hesitates.
"A fish? You got me a fish? Why would you get me a fish?" The words spill from me laced with anger.
"I actually got you two fish." He grimaces.
"Two fish?"
"Yes, two fish. They were kissing gouramis, a pink one and a blue one. They kiss; they move their lips like this all the time." He purses his lips into an exaggerated kissing face. Seeing that almost breaks me, it's hard to not laugh at him imitating the fish.
"I still don't get it." I remain stoic.
"I named them Shay and Eli. There was a note, but it was obvious you hadn't been home," he says, and I can hear a bit of regret in his voice.
"How was it so obvious? Were you watching my house?" My tone is accusatory.
"Because I dropped them off three days ago, and, well, I went back today to leave you these flowers and Shay and Eli…" He stops and hangs his head. "They didn't make it."
We reach my car in the parking garage and I put my portfolio case in the trunk. I spin on him. "So they died?" My tone is caustic. Honestly, I know they were fish that I never knew, but hasn't there been enough death in my life?
"Yes they did." He continues to hang his head.
"That's great, more death. Tell me you at least took care of it so I don't have to attend that internment too." I open the driver’s side door and get in.
Eli starts to laugh. I give him a look that says he really needs to stop. He bends down to my level in the car. "It's not funny." Yet he's still having trouble containing his laughter, which becomes infectious.
A small giggle bubbles up from within me. "Eli, what the hell is wrong with us?"
He's in full blown laughter to the point where tears are forming in his eyes. "I don't know, I wish I did. This really isn't funny."
"Yeah, well it never gets old seeing a guy get tagged in the nuts," I say in a deadly serious tone.
Eli stands up quickly at realizing the vulnerability to his family jewels. It wouldn't be the first time I've tested the theory. "No, Shay, that really isn't funny."
"I know I'd be laughing right now." I fold my arms across my chest, pouting.
"Sweetybird, please. Just let me beg for your forgiveness for a little while?" He pleads with me, pulling my hand away from my chest.
I've been avoiding looking into his eyes because as soon as I do I won't be able to resist him. I look up at him to give him another scolding, but it doesn't come. "Fine, beg."
"I'm so, so sorry. I'm not going to make any excuses except to say that I'm a dumbass and I've been praying for three days that you can still love me." He kneels down next to the open car door.
I go back to looking straight ahead and let him squirm a little longer. "Fine, you're a dumbass."
"Thank you." He kisses my hand. "Can I take you out to dinner?"
"No, I'm having dinner with Dad and then I have an early flight tomorrow. I need to get some sleep."
"I could stay over." He pulls me out of the car and into a hug. He sways us back and forth as though we are dancing to music that only we can hear. "It might not solve your sleep problem though, but I would be willing to drive you to the airport." His voice goes higher with each word to entice me.
"I don't know, I really want to just get some sleep tonight." I push away from him.
He knows he's not getting his way. I really need to just go home and get some rest, I'm not just blowing him off because I'm pissed. "Okay, well when are you coming back?"
"I'll be back on Monday." I sit back in my car.
"Dinner Monday?" He asks expectantly.
"Sure, I'll see you Monday then." I close the door.
He puts his hand to his ear like a phone. "Call me?"
I nod and start the car, then roll the window down. "Eli?"
"Yes?" he asks.
"No more drinking." I look him square in the eye, to drive home the seriousness.
"Scouts honor, no more drinking." He holds his fingers up in the honor sign.
***
Dinner with Dad was good. I just wish he had some news for me about Mom. It's late and pretty clear that Eli was under the impression that I was going to be letting him stay the night. Rex is here and greets me at the door. "Hey, buddy." I scratch him behind the ears and hold his face in my hands. "Your daddy is a dumbass."
I swear he nods at me. I take
Rex out before going to my room and packing my bag. I'm not really sure what I need to bring. I know that Seattle isn't exactly known for its high temperatures, and I heard a rumor that it rains a lot there. I pack every long sleeve shirt that I have. All two of them. I laugh at myself for my silliness. I pack my toiletries and bring the bag out to the living room. There are three bouquets of flowers all with the same card attached. "I'm so sorry. I really love you. Forgive me."
Shay and Eli's empty fish bowl is on the counter. I can't help but think of how sweet it was of Eli trying to make amends. The fish were a really sweet idea, but I'm going to have to teach Eli that when paying an asshole tax, it's best to start at the art supply store. He could learn a thing or two from my dad.
Rex really needs to go back to Eli's tonight since I'm going to be gone. I look at Rex and tell him, "Well, I already have my bags packed, I might as well stay the night at your daddy's."
Rex looks up at me. "Don't judge me. You need to go home. It's just a side fact that I missed him."
***
All the lights in Eli's house are off except for those in his office. I come in and let Rex loose once I'm through the front door and go straight to Eli's office, finding him in nearly the same position as I did the other night: his head in his hands with both bottles on his desk. The first bottle is now empty. Disappointment runs through me, but I really want to give him the benefit of the doubt. I walk in and Rex has already alerted Eli to our presence. Eli scratches Rex's ears. "What are you doing here, buddy?" He freezes in place and then looks up to see me. "Sweetybird." I wanted to believe that he hasn't been drinking, that surely he drank the rest of that bottle the other night, but his eyes are glassy and the way he's slurring his words makes it obvious that he drank the other half of that bottle tonight.
"Nice Eli," I say and turn around, heading out the door.
Eli chases after me. "Shay wait, let me explain."
"There's nothing to explain, Eli." I get back in my car.
"No, there is. Look, not that I owe you an explanation—"
"No, you sure don't owe me an explanation, and quite honestly I don't want one. You can shove it up your ass." I close the door and roll down the window. "I'll be gone until Monday, make a decision by then if you want to be with me or not." I spit the words and work the engagement ring off my finger and hand it to him.
INK: Sketches (Book 0 - parts 1 & 2) Page 10
