She shook her head. “When I was twelve, I tried to run away. I’d found out that my cousin Lizzie was considering marriage to a complete cad to keep me safe. I didn’t want to ruin her life so I left in the middle of a snow storm. It went about as well as this.” She shook her head and that was when the tears started. “I told myself I could make it on my own. But I’m completely useless, apparently.”
“You were running away?” Loudoun looked at her completely aghast. “To where? To do what?”
“To not marry Lord Rutland for starters,” she bit back, some of her tears drying. “I don’t think these things through properly. That’s my first problem.”
“I’d say so.” His eyebrows raised. “I should put you over my knee and spank you for the scare you gave me.”
A retort started from her mouth about how she wasn’t a child, how he had to stop treating her like one but, the truth was, she’d acted like one tonight. “You probably should.”
He sucked in his breath and leaned back, his eyes going wide. Suddenly she had an image of herself being splayed across his lap, his hands touching her behind, moving between her… She closed her eyes. For so many reasons, now was not the time.
“May,” his husky whisper was full of pent up emotion. “You’re going to be the death of me.”
Both times she’d run away, she’d nearly died. Those men had frightened her. Thank goodness Loudoun had gotten there when he did. “I’m going to be the death of myself,” she said shaking her head.
He shot back up, his hand squeezing her tight again. “Don’t even think it.”
“Think what?” she blinked at him, trying to understand.
“You just said you were going to be the death of yourself.” He gave an exasperated breath.
“Oh, I only meant, my foolish attempts at running away.” She shook her head. “But I’ll not marry Rutland. That I am sure of. I’ll have to return to England though, I suppose. Lizzie will take me in. I can be a school mistress or lady’s companion.” In this moment, she realized she didn’t want to marry Wurts either. She’d rather be alone than suffer a marriage of convenience. She knew Barrett would be hurt after his attempts to make a strong match for her but he’d forgive her in time.
“Honest to goodness, if you don’t stop talking, I’m going to lose my mind.” One of his hands left her back and began to rub his temples.
“Allow me.” She unwound her hands from his neck and, brushing his hand aside, began to lightly massage the skin around his eyes. “I’m sorry I’ve given you such stress. Thank you for saving me.”
He groaned, his hand moving back into her hair. “Keep doing that and I might forgive you.”
“What would I have to do to earn more than forgiveness?”
LOUDOUN STILLED UNDERNEATH HER FINGERS. Her body was pressed close to his, every curve fitting perfectly against him as her gentle fingers rubbed at his skin.
Her silky hair caressed his fingertips and her breath was fanning his cheeks in the most intimate way.
Part of him wanted to tell her she’d earned everything he had to give, his heart, soul and body, but he couldn’t say it. He shouldn’t give her that kind of hope. He’d already told her he was too broken to really give her the love she deserved. “May,” his voice held a warning. Because if he started talking, who knows what might slip from his lips.
The carriage rolled to a stop. “No talk of feelings or futures,” she whispered. “But please don’t just send me back to my room. I don’t want to be alone.”
He slid her onto the seat and then paid the driver. Swinging her back into his arms, he started carrying her inside. Partially because of what he’d told the driver but mostly because he liked the feel of her.
He should just drop her in her room. It was a dangerous idea, spending time alone with her. But he’d been frightened too. More than he had been in a long time. So as foolish as it was to stay with her, he didn’t want to leave her alone where he couldn’t keep his eyes and his hands on her. “I don’t want to leave you alone.”
Carrying her up the stairs, he entered her room and set her down on a chair. Pulling her sheets up through the window, he closed it and then crossed to the fire to stoke it up. Her eyes followed him about the room and it made the tension curling in his belly tighter still.
He turned, his eyes finding hers. He could see the hunger lighting them. “I’ve told you, I’m no good for you.”
“We’re not talking about that, remember?” She gave him a falsely bright smile.
“Let’s just say for a moment we were talking about it. The prudent thing to do would be to ask me to leave.”
She silently assessed him and then stood, crossing the room where he stood in front of the fire.
“You should also likely stay on the other side of the room.”
“I’m cold.” She slipped her arms around him.
He wrapped his around her too. She always knew exactly how to brush past any barrier he put up.
“Lucius,” she began.
“When and why did you start calling me by my given name?” He settled her closer.
“You had your head between my…” she stopped, blushing. “I thought it appropriate.”
He grinned then. “It is, indeed.”
“Since we’re talking about what we’re not supposed to, do you honestly think I will be happier with Wurts or Rutland?”
He sucked in his breath. She was too smart for her own good. “With one of them, I won’t have to see your disappointment and know that I caused it.”
“You’ll just have to picture me with Rutland. He’s likely fat, and gap-toothed.”
He tilted her head back to look up at him. He laughed he couldn’t help it. “With a clubbed foot.”
“And what would my children look like?” She raised her eyebrows.
“Most likely, just like their father.” His eyebrows drew together. May having another man’s children was completely unacceptable.
“Instead, I could be with you, and we could have little golden haired girls wearing pink ribbons in their hair.” Her voice had dropped to a whisper.
He couldn’t help it, his head dropped lower to hear her. “No. They’ll have chocolate brown curls that bounce as they run and laugh.” His lips brushed hers and the image of beautiful May holding the hand of his little girl who looked just like her filled him with such warm longing that he ached from it.
“And a boy too,” she murmured against his lips. “Who’ll grow big and strong.”
“Will he grow bitter and resentful?” Loudoun lifted his head then. “Like me.” He pulled a little further away. “My parents didn’t love me, May. They looked at me with nothing but disappointment and disdain. What if I do that to our children?”
“You won’t.” She shook her head. “I know you have love in your heart.”
“No one has ever loved me, May. I’m not worth it and I don’t know how to give it.”
“I love you,” she whispered, tightening her grip. “Don’t say anything. I didn’t have the love of my parents either, but I was loved. And I could give it to you, if you’d let me.”
“I don’t know how.” He kissed her forehead. “But thank you for trying. It means so much that you did.”
He pulled away then, because another second and he’d forget every word and tumble her onto that bed. Even now a piece of him screamed to throw caution to the wind, make love to her and then deal with the consequences tomorrow. But even as he thought it, he knew it was so selfish, and he needed to do what was best for her.
“Good night, May.” Unwinding his arms from around her, he dragged himself to the door. How had she not grown tired of the sight of his back?
12
Stubbornness had long been one of her qualities. That and optimism. It had carried her through the tragedies in her life and she firmly believed that it would again.
He cared for her, she knew he did. She just needed to break his outer shell to get to the softer inside. The problem wa
s, she was running out of time. Because her decision had been made. She loved Loudoun and only he would do. No more running from her feelings.
“May, did you hear me?”
Her attention snapped back to the present. Barrett was giving her his glower as she sat across from him in the carriage. They were making their way across town to the docks.
“Hmm?” she said by way of answer.
“I’m shortening the trip to New York.” Barrett gave her a level stare.
Had Loudoun told him about last night? “Why?”
“The deal with Wurts has likely fallen through, the audit is almost complete, and your bridegroom awaits.” He looked out the window. “And I miss Piper, the children, the baby.”
She reached across and held his hand. “I don’t blame you.” She had to do this next part carefully. She had no intention of marrying Rutland, but Barrett didn’t have to know that. “Since I’m marrying an Englishman, this may be my last trip to America. Can’t I stay a little longer? Take another ship back?”
His eyes snapped back to hers. “Out of the question.”
“Just another week?” She balled her fists into her skirts. They were both about to dig their heels in.
“America has not been good for you. You’ve been acting erratically and that is with my supervision.” Barrett shook his head.
“Loudoun could act as my guardian. He’d keep me safe.” She tried to keep a casual tone. A voice that did not give away her feeling for the man or the country.
But Barrett snorted as he answered. “Utterly ridiculous.”
“I am nearly twenty one years of age. Why is it ridiculous?” She crossed her arms, digging in to do battle. Few knew what a soft heart this ferocious looking duke actually had.
“Loudoun’s far too enamored with you to be left alone in your company.”
“You think that he… is enamored of me?” She couldn’t quite keep the hope out of her voice as her breath caught. Perhaps she should just tell Barrett of her feelings but she was almost certain he wouldn’t approve of the man.
Barrett stopped then and gave her a long assessing stare. “You’re fond of him too. How much so?”
“I know what you’re going to say. He isn’t an appropriate choice.” It was her turn to look away.
He didn’t answer for so long that she finally had to glance back at him. His eyes were intent upon her. “Chris and Alex would not approve of him as your suitor, but then again, they do not know him like I do.”
She didn’t understand that comment but she waited for him to continue, knowing that now was a time for listening.
“His past is sordid but he is strong, capable, titled and waiting for the right woman. Piper was that woman for me. The way he looks at you… you could be the right one for him.”
Her heart nearly seized in her chest. Never had she expected to hear that. She launched herself across the carriage, hugging her adopted father around the neck. “Thank you for saying that.”
He hugged her back and then began untangling her arms. “You should sit back down before you fall.” His voice was gruff but a small smile touched his lips.
Smoothing her skirts, she returned to her seat, clearing her throat. “Barrett, I can’t leave just yet. I need more time with Lucius.”
“When did you start calling him Lucius?” Barrett asked, his eyes narrowing. “Did you come to America for him? And why didn’t you tell me all this before? I would have done things differently if I had known.”
“I didn’t tell you because I didn’t know. We both watched him recover and at first I thought maybe I just felt sympathy. And he is still fragile. But I could help him. He needs love like I needed all of you.” She took a deep breath. “But I need him too, I understand that now. Just like me, he’s English but an outsider. Nearly an orphan. We understand each other in ways I never imagined. The problem is, he’s convinced he isn’t marriage material.”
“Being stubborn, is he?”
“Of course. The question is, how do I convince him that I am the right woman for him. He is certain he will never marry and he’s sure that he doesn’t deserve love. Honestly, I think his parents were quite cruel and they’ve convinced him that he’s unlovable.”
Barrett grimaced. “I can try to help you on that front. Not that I am sure that I approve. But I do remember that many didn’t approve of me as a match for Piper. And I never thought I was good enough for her.”
“Thank you, Barrett.” Her adopted father continued to amaze her.
“But we can’t stay forever and I won’t leave you. If you can’t convince him, you must secure your own reputation and future by marrying Rutland.”
“I can’t just become a spinster?” She sounded like a petulant child but she didn’t want a husband forced on her.
“I would take care of you if you did. But if you can’t make a love match, perhaps you should consider Rutland. I know I lost my temper yesterday when I demanded you marry him, but I am worried for you. And Rutland is handsome, kind, and capable.” Barrett leaned forward. “And he lives in England.”
She grinned then. “But you’ll help me with Lucius anyway.”
“I will. Because I can’t resist you. And because, you’re right. You are exactly what he needs.” He winked then. “I’ll deny this part, but if you’re successful, he’ll take over the English branch.”
As she made to protest, he grinned. “I jest. But you will be expected to visit often.”
The carriage rolled to a stop. They had reached the docks where Barrett would be inspecting the ships in his fleet. “Will he be here?”
“Of course.” Barrett nodded. “But if you truly want to win him over, what he needs is your kindness and understanding, not demands.”
Barrett’s word rang in her head. Of course what he needed was unconditional love. It had never been given to him and he wouldn’t heal without it. She knew what to do. “Assign him to attend me throughout the inspection.”
Barrett glowered. “Do not do anything that compromises your reputation.”
May did not respond. It was too late for that.
LOUDOUN WATCHED Barrett hand May down from the carriage. Bloody hell, she was lovely this morning. Her pale pink gown and matching hat complemented the creaminess of her skin and the rich brown of her hair, not to mention accentuating every one of her curves.
It was growing increasingly difficult to deny his feelings. Wild thoughts of throwing his reservations aside and taking her for his own were flitting through his mind. So what if he didn’t have a whole heart to give her? Part of his heart was better than the arranged marriage she faced in England.
But then he stopped again. She would love him with everything she had. It was who she was. And as lovely as that sounded, she would grow to resent him in return. Everyone who tried to love him did.
They began walking toward him. May held her usual expression of excitement and affection but Barrett was eyeing him in the strangest way. As though the duke was recalculating his opinion of his American manager. What had May told him?
“Lucius, would you do the honors of escorting May so that I might look about more freely?”
“Of course,” Loudoun responded, holding out his arm to May. Obviously May hadn’t mentioned the liberties he’d taken. But something was afoot.
“Are you all right?” he whispered as they began following Barrett.
She nodded. “I am sorry I frightened you last night, frightened us both. Thank you again for saving me.”
Loudoun glanced at Barrett, who was climbing up the gangplank and onto the first ship. He followed at a more leisurely pace. The man could move on a ship. It came in handy now as the duke moved away from them, giving them some privacy to converse. “Promise me never to do anything like that again.”
“Considering how little time I have left in America, I am sure I can behave until then.” She gave his arm a squeeze and he felt his heart begin to thump. He didn’t know how he might say goodbye to her.
“When?” His throat was tight as he asked the question.
She shook her head. “He didn’t say but he did mention that he misses Piper and is eager to see me settled.”
May didn’t look him in the eye and he knew what the unspoken question was. Would he save her from going back to England? Hell and damnation he was tempted.
Barrett disappeared below deck, most likely to inspect the hull, and Loudoun pulled May towards the rear. They’d be in plain sight but it was a quieter spot on the ship. “What has he said about Rutland?” Jealousy was rising like bile in his throat.
Her hand pressed to the base of her neck. “That I should give him a chance.” She turned to him then, her eyes large. “But I am afraid and I don’t want to return to England.”
Looking around, he saw no one, and swooped down to give her a quick kiss. “It will all work out, I know it. You deserve the best and Barrett won’t settle for anything less.”
She looked at him with an odd expression. Like he’d said something terribly insightful though it seemed obvious to him. “Don’t you consider yourself the best?”
“Me?” His eyebrows drew together. “I’ve told you before. I’m not good enough for you. I never will--”
She stood on tiptoe and pressed her lips to his. “You’re not giving yourself enough credit, Lucius. I still have a little time and I am going to use it to prove to you that you are good enough. Even if it isn’t me you marry. It’s important you know, you deserve happiness.”
He stared at her. All this time, he thought her motivation might have been staying in America or, perhaps, attraction to him. But now, she was declaring she wanted him to be happy, even if they didn’t end up together. How could she be that selfless? It made him ache to hold her close.
Barrett entered his sight line and he tucked her hand back into his elbow. As she walked, her hip brushed his upper thigh, tightening everything in him. He wanted her so much. Not just in his bed, like this. Walking next to him, touching him. Smiling up at him with her beautiful smile.
Taming a Rogue Earl: Taming the Heart Series Book 6 Page 8
