Duplicity

by Lisa J. Hobman

  My office door burst open and in stalked my mother.

  She stood there, a picture of manicured perfection, as she demanded, “Finlay, why are you ignoring my calls?”

  I scowled at her. “Come in, why don’t you, Mother dear?”

  “Answer me, Finlay. You were brought up with more respect than to ignore your mother.”

  I leaned back in my chair and regarded her with disdain. “But we all know respect must be earned, Mum.”

  She stepped forward and sat down in the leather chair facing my desk. “Stop being so obnoxious, Finlay. Now, tell me why you won’t speak to me.”

  I sighed and rubbed my hands over my face. I wasn’t in the mood for Isobel Hunter drama. “Seriously? You really need to ask me that after what you did to me and Star?”

  She blanched and her eyes widened. “How did you find out?”

  I scrunched my brow. “What do you mean how did I find out? I was present at the time, for God’s sake. I was there when you and Dad made her feel about two inches tall at the charity event, remember?”

  She heaved a sigh. “Oh. Oh, that. Oh, yes, well, water under the bridge and all that.” She reached into her oversized designer handbag and pulled out her compact, flicked it open, and peered at her reflection.

  Confusion washed over me anew. “Hang on. What did you mean when you asked how I found out? Found out about what?”

  She snapped the compact shut and pursed her lips. “Oh, come on, Finlay. It isn’t all about you, darling. Have you considered what this whole situation is doing to your poor father? He’s been ill, you know.”

  “Whoa. No, you’re not changing the subject, Mum. What did you mean?”

  A fake sob escaped her throat and she reached into her bag again to pull out a hanky. “Just know that we want what’s best for you. And anything that’s happened has been because we have your best interests at heart and we love you.” She dabbed at her non-existent tears.

  My heart began to thud in my chest, and I clenched my jaw. “I’ll ask you once more, and I expect an honest answer. For once in your life, Isobel, do something selfless, please. What did you do?”

  The calmness in her voice was a total contrast to the anxiety and anger building rapidly inside of me. She waved her hanky. “Oh, nothing. It was just a letter.”

  My stomach clenched. “What letter?”

  She smiled as if remembering a happy incident. “Well, two letters actually. One to each of you. Just to make sure you made the right decision.”

  “What. Letters. Mother?”

  Her lip began to tremble in that Oscar-winning actress manner again. “One to Star to let her know you were back in your rightful place with the family firm, and one to you to let you know Star was moving on.”

  I slammed my fists on the desk, and Isobel almost jumped out of her skin. “You bitch!” I stood and slammed my fists down again, the thud vibrating through the wood. “You evil bitch! You’re supposed to be my mother. You’re supposed to care about me!”

  She stood and wrung her hands in front of her. “I do care, Finlay. I just wanted what was right for you. And she wasn’t right for you. I mean, come on. Pink hair and tattoos? What kind of impression did it give to—”

  “That’s just it. I don’t give a shit about anyone else’s thoughts on my relationship with Star, Isobel. I loved her. I love her. And you…you ruined it with your lies. You’ve made her think I don’t fucking love her!” I shouted at the top of my voice. My lungs began to burn as I fought to pull air in. My heart wanted out of the whole fucking sorry mess, and it was almost breaking free of my ribs.

  Alasdair and Fiona appeared in the doorway. “What the hell are you doing here, Isobel?” Alasdair demanded.

  I jabbed a finger in Isobel’s direction. “It was her. She wrote the letter pretending it was from Star. And she wrote one to Star, too. It was her.” I glowered at the woman who’d given birth to me as Alasdair gaped at her too, disbelief plastered on his ageing features.

  Alasdair stepped aside and gestured at the gap he had created. “I think you should leave, Isobel.”

  She pleaded at me with watering eyes. “You may not believe me, Finlay, but we do love you. We just want to put the family first as a unit. Your relationship with that…that…” She closed her eyes briefly, allowing tears to spill down her perfectly made-up cheeks. “With Star made a mockery of us all and everything we have built.”

  I inhaled a wavering, unsettled breath. “There is a saying about judging books by their covers, Mother. But let me tell you that if it was a choice between someone manicured and ‘perfect’ on the outside but as ugly as you on the inside, I would choose someone like Star every damn time. But do you know what? I think she’s the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman I have ever met. And I love her with every ounce of my being. Now, I think Alasdair is right. You should leave. And please don’t bother to contact me again. As far as I’m concerned, the only mother I ever really had was Hetty. And as for a father, I never had one. And that’s fine with me.”

  She sobbed dramatically as I slumped into my chair, spent from my verbal onslaught. Without saying another word, she stormed out of the office and out of my life.

  For good.

  Fin

  I sat across from Alec in the empty coffee shop. It was after closing time, and I was still nursing the same latte he had given me an hour before.

  Alec huffed out a long breath. “I just can’t believe a mother could be so damn cruel, Fin. I mean…why?”

  I shrugged, just as disbelieving as he was. “Beats me. I…I don’t know what to do. I can’t just get on a plane again and expect Star to be happy to see me just because it turned out the letter wasn’t even from me. Let’s face it, she still thinks I betrayed her at the charity event. And that part is my fault. Because that’s exactly how it looked to her.”

  “Yes, she does still think that. But if you explain. If you tell her what happened after she’d gone.”

  I shook my head. “I tried that before. I left voicemails. I sent text messages. I turned up at your apartment, if you remember? I don’t think it’ll make a difference. I ruined it all, Alec.” My throat tightened and a stinging sensation needled at my eyes. “Next time you speak to her, could you just tell her I never stopped loving her? She’ll listen if the message comes from you. Just tell her I’m so sorry I hurt her. And that I know Isobel’s letters were meant to cause damage, but the last thing I ever wanted was for Star to be hurt. Or for her to be dragged into the hell that is my fucking stupid family. Could you tell her that for me? Please?” I swiped away a trail of moisture that had begun to make its way down my face.

  Alec reached across the table and squeezed my forearm. “I still think you could get her back, Fin. She still loves you.”

  I shrugged and laughed without an ounce of humour. “Loved me. Past tense. I think I just need to let her go. Let her be happy. And if that means she moves on then so be it. She deserves to be happy, Alec.” My voice broke and my lip trembled.

  What a fool.

  Alec patted my arm. “Well, of course I’ll tell her. But you could always contact her yourself.”

  I shook my head again. “I can’t. After everything that’s happened, I just can’t. I want to. Believe me, I do. But, to be honest, I see now that she deserves so much better.” I pushed my chair away from the table and placed my cup down. “I should go. We’re rehearsing tonight. Got a gig tomorrow.”

  He stood too. “Oh, right. Great. Where?”

  “We’re playing Sneaky Pete’s in the city.”

  He patted my back. “Okay, well I might bring some of the guys down.”

  “Great. See you there maybe. And…thanks for not telling me to fuck off, eh?”

  He smiled sadly. The pity in his eyes almost pushed me over the edge again, and I fought my emotions to keep them in check.

  ♫♫♫

  I wrote to Hetty and told her everything. All the sordid details of my mother and father’s betrayal. How they h
ad treated me like a commodity. Like something with as little soul as themselves. I told Hetty she was the closest thing to a mother I’d ever had—that I loved her and wished she had been my birth mother instead of the callous, bloody-minded, self-centred monster who had brought me into the world and then tossed me aside.

  It had been a cathartic letter to write, but the resulting phone call from Hetty had almost broken my heart. She had sobbed down the phone line and told me she loved me dearly. That she was so proud of the man I had become and that I had finally taken a stand. She said she had longed to leave their employ for so long, but she couldn’t bear the thought of leaving me there. She knew my brother was made of tougher stuff as a kid, she said, and that watching my eyes fill with disappointment every time my father belittled one of my achievements made her stand fast in a job she hated. She told me she would one day show up at a gig to surprise me, and I loved her so much for that, even though I guessed she never would.

  She had apologised over and over for things that hadn’t been her fault, and I had spent time telling her that all she had ever done was help me. That if it hadn’t been for her, I would never have picked up a hairbrush to sing into, never mind a real mic. That I owed her so much. All the words I should have said a long time ago. But at least I said them. Better late than never, I suppose.

  The band had been awesome since I got back from New York. They were good mates, offering an ear if I needed it or a piss up if I needed that more.

  ♫♫♫

  Sneaky Pete’s didn’t look like much from the outside. It certainly didn’t look like one of Edinburgh’s most popular live music venues. In fact, it resembled an abandoned shop by day, and most people would, no doubt, walk right by it without a second glance. Close to a beautiful stone archway on Cowgate and some of the most beautiful architecture Edinburgh had to offer, it was the most unassuming venue ever. And that’s exactly why I loved it.

  On the night of our gig, I arrived at the venue along with the rest of Hydde at around ten o’clock. The club was due to open at eleven, so we had a good hour to get set up. Our original material was coming along nicely, and we were excited to be sharing it at the newest venue in our portfolio.

  We carried the gear into the club and set up like the well-organised team we’d become. Music was a huge part of my life, and it was a great distraction. I knew that once I was up on that stage and my alter ego took over, I could forget about all the shit that had happened in my life and just become a whole other person. Fin the ‘rock god’. The thought made me smile and shake my head. It was what Star had called me. Fin the rock god. Who would ever have thought that the clean cut, pretty-boy, reluctant law student would one day be a shaggy-haired, bearded guy who stomped around a stage every weekend, screeching out rock and indie songs at the top of his lungs? Certainly not me.

  I was standing inside the small venue and admiring the graffiti style artwork on the walls as a sense of pride washed over me when I recalled Hetty’s words. I was there to sing. With a live band. And it was thanks to Hetty and Star that I had taken the steps to become who I was in that moment. Two important women who had no idea how much they had affected me. I loved them both so much for it.

  ♫♫♫

  Midnight. The club was buzzing, and my anxiety had ratcheted up ten notches. I was pacing up and down at the back of the club while the other guys laughed and joked with their wives and girlfriends. Thankfully, I was too terrified to be filled with envy as I chewed on my nails and watched them enjoying the company of the women in their lives.

  Time ticked by all too slowly and much too fast simultaneously. I ducked into the men’s room to check my appearance. My faded old grey jeans that were ripped at the knee were just too comfy to throw out. They were a far cry from the Hugo Boss suit I wore for the office. The Sonic Idols T-shirt I wore was my favourite, even though it had shrunk a little thanks to user error with the washing machine. It was tight but, thankfully, not cropped.

  The door was flung open and Nate poked his head around. “Hey, pal. We’re up.”

  “Be right there.” The door closed again, and I was left with nothing but the thudding coming from the club and my heart.

  I stepped out into the throngs of people in the club and pushed through the crowd in what felt like slow motion, making my way to the stage. I jumped up as Titch hit his sticks together and the intro to “I Nearly Lost You” kicked in. Nate bounced around the stage as he strummed his guitar to the track made famous by The Screaming Trees in the 1990s.

  My mask descended, and once more I became Fin Hunter the lead singer of Hydde.

  The crowd jumped up and down in time with the beat, and I strutted around the stage, letting myself go. My inhibitions melted away along with every worry that had plagued me in the last couple of months. But as I stared out at the audience of people dancing and flailing wildly, I was hit with a pang of sadness. Star loved this song. And I had lost her.

  Dragging myself from the edge of a pit of melancholy before I fell into the abyss, I began to jump around as I sang. The crowd loved it. And for a short while, so did I.

  Fin

  I stooped to gulp from my glass of water and swipe the T-shirt from my body. A raucous cheer erupted around the room, and I chuckled at the reaction. I decided I needed to start bringing a towel on stage so I could stay fully clothed up there. I wiped the shirt around my damp face, and for a laugh, I threw the sweat-sodden item out into the crowd of women who had gathered at the front of the stage. They went wild, and when I turned to glance around at the band, some of them were bent double, laughing hysterically. Nate was shaking his head with a huge grin on his face.

  I turned back to the crowd and took a deep breath. “This next one has a special place in my heart. I won’t bore you with the gory details, but let’s just say my life has been pretty fucked up this year. But thanks to these guys, I think I’m back on track.” I gestured to the band and the crowd cheered. “This next song reminds of an American girl who stole my heart.” I paused as images of that beautiful American girl sprang into my mind, and a twinge of sadness tugged at me. “It’s funny how you can live in a place your whole life and not even see it. I mean really see it. But this special person helped me to see this city in a whole new light, and I’ve a new-found love and respect for it. So I want to dedicate this to her and thank her for encouraging me to be the man I am today.” Taking a deep breath, I closed my eyes and shouted, “For you, Star! Because wherever you may be in this world today, I know your heart will always be in Edinburgh. Snow Patrol’s ‘Take Back the City’!”

  Once more, the crowd cheered, and as the song started, the bouncing began again in earnest. The energy in the room lifted me and carried me away somewhere entirely different. For a few minutes, I was playing the O2 Arena instead of a little backstreet venue in Edinburgh. And as I sang and heard the audience’s loud voices joining with mine, a grin spread across my face.

  I scanned the crowd of happy, smiling faces, and everything clicked into place. This was me. This was who I was. As I peered out beyond the spotlight, I caught sight of a shock of the most vivid red hair. I held the mic out to the people dancing at the front, but my eyes didn’t leave that one woman, dancing with her arms in the air. I couldn’t see her face, thanks to the huge burly bloke in front of her. Her hair was shoulder length and choppy, but I would have known those tattoos anywhere.

  The guy stepped sideways, and my heart almost stuttered to a halt. Her face lifted with perfect timing, and her gaze connected with mine. A stunning smile stretched her ruby red lips as she began to walk toward me.

  Star

  As I stood there in the crowded club, my mind drifted back to the conversation I’d had the day before, when Alec had called to fill me in on the whole letter debacle.

  “So, she sent one to Fin too? Pretending it was from me?”

  “Yep. Told him to move on because you were.”

  I gasped. “The bitch. Why would she do that to me? She doesn’t even kn
ow me. And to her own son?”

  He snorted. “I know. Just what I thought. Fin was destroyed, Star. Completely.”

  My heart sank. “Is he…is he okay?”

  Alec sighed. “I think he’ll be fine eventually. But it’ll take time. He’s lost so much, Twinkle.”

  I pursed my lips briefly. “Alec McVey, are you sympathising with my ex?”

  There was a silent pause. “I know that as your best friend it’s not exactly right for me to side with him, but, yeah. I felt so bad for him. He loves you so much.”

  I huffed. “Yeah? Well, he should’ve spoken up when his bastard of a father asked him to dump me at the charity event.”

  “But he did, Star. He’d been dumbstruck for a moment after his father had used the ‘L’ word for the first ever time. But once he’d snapped out of that, he gave them hell. You just didn’t stick around to see it.”

  “Oh.” My heart plummeted in my chest and my stomach rolled.

  And now I was back in Edinburgh. Hoping and praying he would take me back.

  I was dragged back from the past when Fin’s voice rang out across the room and tugged at my heart. He told the audience he’d had a shitty time lately, but that he was taking his life back. Suddenly my name rang out across the room, falling from his lips like an oath.

  My view was restricted by a chunky guy in front of me, which I was relieved about. I wasn’t ready for Fin to see me. But seeing him up on stage again was like some kind of miracle happening before my eyes. The song he had chosen was perfect, and it told me every single thing I needed to know. From that second, I wanted to be with him so desperately my chest hurt. I’d missed him so much.

  When Alec had called and explained the situation with the letters, I had initially decided I wouldn’t contact Fin. Too much had happened. Too much water under that metaphorical bridge. But deep down, I think I knew I was just delaying the inevitable. He was all I could think about. He filled my every waking thought and was centre stage of every dream. And discovering he had defended me and tried to come after me when I bolted from the charity event where his parents had insulted me just made me angry with myself.