How to Pick Up Women with a Drunk Space Ninja

by Jay Key

  The bounty hunters had no response to the rambling biography, but Duke tried. “Not to interrupt what I’m sure is a fascinating trip down memory lane, but we have to get back to our friends soon—so we would appreciate getting back on track.”

  “Right, of course,” apologized the beast. “So, I wasn’t the best for the job. But, as the only remaining member of my race—really, of any race from the time of my people—I felt it was my duty to prevent the same calamity that ended our reign on this planet. Then, there were these two creatures that came in—two distinct races, it seemed—”

  “Whoa, stop! What two races?”

  “See, my new friends, my time on this planet goes back to when the mountains were but pebbles and the seas mere puddles of rain. When the—”

  “We get it,” Duke said cutting him off, “you’re old and have been here a long time. Continue.”

  “Right. But even before that, my race cultivated this planet and built a society of caring and prosperity and progress—and, eventually, exquisite art. Did I mention my retrospective?”

  “Yes.”

  “One day—and I’m not sure where or who or when—but one day, our people discovered the Sphere of Power. It allowed us to do things that we never could before. It helped us clear mountains for roads and save villages riddled with disease and grow the best ploob kalarti for our festivals. It was all-powerful.”

  “And then what?”

  “Like all things that grant you power without having to earn it, it corrupted the minds of my people. Cycles turned into hundreds of cycles and into millennia. Control of the Sphere bounced from one tribe to another. Death and madness permeated the land. Eventually, we assembled into two tribes and the war raged on. Near the end, the two factions didn’t even resemble each other—the sphere had manipulated our minds and altered our physical appearances. Even I have been affected—my current state does not reflect how we once were. But we battled our former brothers, now heinous and ghastly and terrorizing the skies on the backs of demons. We were shorter but stronger and hurled boulders at them as they swooped down to skewer us with fire-covered spears.”

  “Near the end, you say? What happened?”

  “The races destroyed each other. Death prevailed. Unharnessed power rendered the powerful powerless.” The Keeper took a deep breath and a solemn expression erased his earlier scowl. “And left in this wasteland was myself, my house, and the Sphere.”

  “How did you survive?”

  “Not really sure, to be honest. When the weather started to change and chaos seemed to replace normalcy, I retreated here and remained for cycles. Eventually, I returned to the surface and there was nothing. As I started to explore… there, in an open field, was the Sphere. Needless to say, I decided to take it—it’s not like more harm could be done. I think part of me thought I could control it.”

  “And I guess the story ends with the fact that you couldn’t?”

  “Actually, no. I took it home and it responded to me. Right away. I sat right here, where we are now, for ages, trying to better control it. Become one with this power that eradicated my entire family, my entire race. It didn’t seem inherently evil—and I didn’t feel evil as I bonded with it. I definitely didn’t feel like going out and starting a war even if there had been someone to start a war with.

  “Ages passed as the arrow of time points in but one direction—memories of my people, the festivals, and even my art retrospective became very distant.”

  “Obviously, not too distant,” Duke chimed in.

  “Not too distant, no, but they started to feel like a dream. I must have been with the Sphere for a thousand cycles—or two or ten—when I was startled by a simple knock on the outside of my house. It was a duo of odd-looking creatures—about your size—the first living creatures that I had seen in many years. Needless to say, they assumed that I was a monster and lobbed pointy objects at me. I finally settled them down and invited them in. We talked for hours. They explained that their people had been the original race on the planet—of course, I chuckled and politely corrected them. I didn’t want to say it, but I think they evolved from the parasites that survived the wars. I told them about the Sphere and the history of the planet—they seemed particularly interested in the Sphere, almost mesmerized.”

  “Let me guess what happens next—they stole the Sphere?”

  “That predictable, huh?”

  “I had a feeling.”

  “I’m not sure what exactly happened after that, but sometime later two different people from these two races came to me. This time they had the Sphere with them and asked me to keep it with me forever. They said it was the only way to prevent their races from killing each other—I could sympathize with that, and wished my people would have thought of it. They offered to guard my home, even send soldiers to protect it. I appreciated the gesture but, as you can see, I could’ve defended it myself in battle. I let them ‘guard’ me.”

  “They also blocked off the entire land bridge that connects the northern land mass from the south,” added Duke. “You’ve been isolated here for another thousand cycles. Just you and this swamp—and the swamp people that have evolved from whatever was left here when they blocked off the bridge.”

  “And now someone stole it out from under my nose—again. I wonder who—and why?”

  “It was the same race that gave it back to you for safe keeping. They are called Neprians.”

  “Why would they do that?”

  “To save the planet. They were experiencing a great drought and famine—and entire villages were being wiped out.”

  “That’s rich,” smirked the Keeper. “It took me countless ages to be able to control it—as much as it would let me—and they think they’re just going to summon it to do their bidding? It’s just going to start to glow and then prepare a fancy dinner for everyone?”

  The Keeper was visibly upset. “I wonder why they didn’t just ask me? Probably knew I would just say no.”

  “Probably. And it’s probably a bit difficult to explain to the masses that a giant monster has been watching their precious Orb for countless ages. Even a bunch as gullible as these Neprians.”

  “True,” the Keeper continued, “but I wish I could have told them about its true power. It has a mind of its own. If it winds up in the hands of someone evil, it will be an instrument of death and annihilation.”

  “Yep, already there, big guy. They asked it to help with their crops and it brought a being from across the universe that could make the crops grow again. He fulfilled his job—but, instead of leaving, he became consumed with learning how to control it. The people of the North became his army and he enslaved those in the South that resisted.”

  “What is his name?”

  “He goes by Orbius.”

  “Not very original.”

  “Agreed.”

  “Sounds like he probably could’ve taken over this lot without the Sphere.”

  “Agreed, again.”

  “So, can he control it?”

  “From what we hear—yes.”

  “And how do you fit into this story, my new friends? Since you are not from this planet of Neprius, as you call it.”

  “A bit of bad luck. Orbius’ tinkering led to the Sphere sending an astral portal near our neck of the woods—and we happened to get consumed by it. Because of his unchecked insanity with this magic rock, I’m stuck here instead of enjoying some Glyptodian Summer Ale at Cyborg Joe’s.”

  Ishiro’shea perked up at the mention of Glyptodian Summer Ale.

  “I see. And you aim to help these Neprians defeat Orbius.”

  “And get our ship back.”

  “Ah yes, I assumed there was something else too. Needless to say, it is imperative that you bring it back soon. Otherwise, this Orbius will destroy Neprius—whether he means to or not.”

  “No offense, Keeper, but you’ve lost it twice now. Not sure if bringing it back makes a ton of sense. Is there a way to destroy it?”

&nb
sp; “Destroy the Sphere of Power? It is without a doubt indestructible, my spacefaring comrades.” The Keeper seemed a bit miffed at the question, and their lack of faith in his “keeping” abilities.

  “Okay, so we’ll get it and bring it back to you.”

  Duke glanced over at Ishiro’shea. Unless we figure out something better.

  “I promise I won’t lose it this time.”

  “Great.”

  “Let me see if there’s anything that can help you in your attempt,” the Keeper said as he picked through his mound of decorative homeware and miscellaneous décor. “You probably don’t need a spatula, do you?”

  “I doubt it. How about a bottle of your perfume? A smaller bottle, of course. We have a trick that we want to play on a friend of ours that doesn’t bathe as often as he should.”

  “Not a problem, take two.”

  Duke snatched a pair of ornate glass containers and affixed them to his belt.

  “Many thanks, Keeper. I hope we see you again soon.”

  “If not,” the Keeper replied, “I fear the planet will be no more.”

  Chapter 29

  Fighting the Swamp

  “GUYS, YOU WON’T BELIEVE WHAT we just—” the bounty hunter shouted. Then, immediately, he froze. Ishiro’shea followed suit.

  Their campground was unrecognizable, turned into a warzone infested by proto-humans covered in leaves and mud and moss; sluggish and lumbering. Their gaseous body odor was so putrid and thick that it appeared as an opaque cloud of green above their heads. Their ghastly faces were reminiscent of the Melted Skin art movement made popular by Treglor of Phleg-Mem—especially the early years. It was clear that the swamp people of the land bridge were not scared of the temple or, at least, anyone camped in its shadows—and they appeared to be pissed off.

  Duke and Ishiro’shea hustled down an incline towards the scuffle. Duke immediately rattled off a few pulses, striking three creatures squarely in their heads. All fell to the muddy bank with a squish.

  Duke pivoted sharply at the feeling of a moist, cold weight on his left shoulder. His eyes locked with the swamp being—but only one eye returned the gaze. The beast’s other eye socket was not where it should have been—it sat squarely in the middle of his left cheek as if it had slowly migrated southward. The grotesque appearance immobilized Duke.

  “Gross.”

  The cannibal opened his mouth to reveal mangled, mud-colored teeth sharpened to fine points. The stench was unbearable. He lunged at Duke as he clamped down his jaws; his ferocious bite snapped mere inches from Duke’s right ear. The bounty hunter shook himself out of his trance and threw a right jab to the monster’s face. It pushed the cannibal back a few paces but didn’t seem to do any harm. Duke swung again and connected to the stomach region. This had even less effect. The cannibal reached out with both arms and grasped Duke by the neck. He proceeded to lift the Nova Texan in the air; Duke hung on to the creature’s wrists to slow down the choking process. A swift gust of wind passed Duke’s face and he fell to the ground. Landing right next to him was a rotted, pock-marked appendage. He looked up. The monster was without his right arm.

  “Thanks, buddy.”

  Ishiro gave a quick nod toward the cannibal, who was seemingly unaware that he lost his arm but very aware that he lost his prey.

  “Tough bastard,” Duke muttered as he lifted himself onto one knee. He spun his laser revolver out of his holster and let loose two shots into the belly of the beast, who dropped to the ground with a groan.

  Ishiro’shea was slicing and dicing his way to the center of the camp; Duke was blasting and punching a parallel path to the same destination. A few short moments of carnage led them to the pikes that they had placed as a temporary fence.

  “Can you let us in, Ja’a?”

  “And take down our last line of defense?” interjected Po’l. “Are you serious?”

  “You’re going to leave us out here to die?”

  “If that’s what’s necessary.”

  Ja’a barked orders at Ma’n and Te’o; they dropped their bows and ran to the perimeter of the fence where Duke and Ishiro stood fighting off encroaching mutants. Ma’n hoisted his ax above his head and crashed it down upon the base of a pike. It crumpled to the ground. He repeated this two more times, creating a space large enough for the two off-worlders to enter the safety of the camp. However, it was also big enough for swamp cannibals to follow them in.

  “Thanks, Ja’a,” yelled Duke. “I knew you wouldn’t—”

  “No more talking. Simply, no more. You left us out in a bad place, Duke. Your fun adventure left us without a lookout and much needed support.”

  “Wait, Po’l said he would look—”

  “Don’t blame this on Po’l. He’s been asleep in the camp ever since you went on lookout,” Ja’a said. She sent off two arrows into the mass of swampfolk in rapid succession. “You and Ishiro’shea were on duty… and now—this!”

  Po’l, you little rat.

  “Can you believe that, Ishiro?” Duke asked as he dropped five more raiders. “I thought these guys were scared of the temple?”

  “It appears that I was wrong,” replied Lo’n.

  “No kidding,” retorted Duke.

  “I promise you, Duke, the last time that I was here—with He’j—we figured that the temple held some sort of power over them. We used it as a shield.”

  “Maybe they saw you in the temple and realized that it couldn’t be that bad if you would go in,” interjected Po’l.

  “Thanks for screwing us over, Po’l. And I thought we turned a corner. We need to have a chat one of these days.”

  The moans of the approaching monstrosities continued to escalate. Their numbers appeared to be multiplying, with more emerging from the murky river all the time.

  “We’re running short on arrows,” shouted Ty’n from the far end of the camp. He dropped his bow and pulled out his duo of daggers. He began to jab and poke at any body part, or anything that resembled a body part, that made it through the openings between the sharpened fence posts.

  “Same here,” shouted Te’o. “Need some help now!”

  A section of three pikes parted and a steady stream of cannibals were poised to enter the inner confines of the camp.

  “No you don’t!” shouted Lo’n. He sprang from another part of the perimeter and swung his saber down on the torsos of the first monsters to penetrate the fence. He swung his oversized blade at the mutant force with elegant aggression.

  “Impressive,” Duke said in between shots. “You starting to feel a bit jealous now, Ish?”

  The ninja ignored his companion and continued to keep the horde at bay with his own nifty swordsmanship.

  “Duke, I could use you right now,” Lo’n shouted. The numbers appeared to be getting the best of him.

  “We need help over here now,” cried Po’l.

  “Breach! Breach!” bellowed Bu’r.

  “Over here, too!” screamed Ma’n.

  “Not to be a backseat general, Ja’a, but I’m not sure how much longer we can hold out. Two of these bastards are coming in for each one I send to his maker.”

  “Duke’s right,” Lo’n confirmed. “What’s the plan?”

  More portions of the fence were rendered useless as the cannibals swarmed the campsite. Ja’a did not offer a response.

  “I can’t hold them much longer,” groaned Lo’n as he cleaved off two of the creatures’ heads in one swing. “Ja’a?”

  “We need to leave the swamp,” Ja’a exclaimed.

  “I think we're aware of that,” Duke countered.

  “Everyone, fall back. Over here, near the fire. Duke—give us as much cover as you can.”

  “Yes, ma’am,” he shouted. He unleashed a rapid-fire salvo from his laser revolver as he walked backward toward the group.

  “What’s the plan, Ja’a?” asked Po’l urgently.

  “Grab your weapons—as many as you can carry but won’t slow you down,” Ja’a shouted, cal
mly and with confidence. Much different than Shud’nut, thought Duke.

  “Everyone good?”

  After a smattering of affirmations, Ja’a continued. “We’re going to break through their ranks and head north through the swamp, along the bank. We’re going to run until we hit the wall. I know it’s going to be challenging—but it’s our best bet to get out of here.”

  “Is this even possible?” asked Bu’r.

  “It’s possible,” confirmed Lo’n. “That’s the path that we were going to take anyways, the same one He’j and I followed—now we will just do it a bit faster. And at night.”

  “Great. Not to be a downer but how are we going to break—”

  “When I say ‘now,’ stop firing,” Ja’a said, interrupting the bounty hunter as if he’d never started speaking, “I will cover you as you get Betsy ready. Fire her into the north part of their lines. It should give us an opening—then we fight our way through until we get behind them. Then run.”

  Never going to work.

  “Let’s go!” shouted Ma’n.

  “Alright!” screamed Po’l.

  “Great plan, Ja’a. Your father would be proud,” Lo’n added.

  Idiots.

  “Stop, Duke.”

  He holstered his laser revolver and removed Betsy from his back. The encroaching mass continued to advance. Ja’a released two arrows that struck the two closest cannibals in the middle of their faces, dropping them instantly. She grabbed a handful of arrows and reloaded her quiver.

  Betsy roared.

  An entire section of swamp cannibals collapsed.

  Betsy roared again.

  More toppled over each other.

  “Fight until you’re out the other side. Then run north to the first clearing.”

  The Neprian rebels charged in, Lo’n leading the group.

  “Stay between us, Ja’a,” shouted Ma’n and Te’o as they surrounded her with their axes. “Your bow won’t be much use in this scrum.”