How to Pick Up Women with a Drunk Space Ninja

by Jay Key

  “One last thing, Vern. This has been bugging me.”

  “Yes?”

  “Don’t take this the wrong way, but why does Orbius care so much about you? It doesn’t seem like you know the inner workings that could help bring him down. One traitor doesn’t win a war.”

  “But it can lose a war.”

  The bounty hunters looked at each other. What the hell does that mean?

  “He fears that my resistance—and his inability to publicly punish me—”

  “You mean kill you.”

  “Most likely, yes. His inability to dispose of me will spark rebellious thoughts that are buried deep in our people. I know Ja’a and her people don’t view us as capable of standing up for something—but it’s there. Somewhere. Our servitude to Orbius without even a hint of defiance has been our lowest point. Some of us recognize this and refuse to let it happen again.”

  The bounty hunter scratched his chin.

  The troop marched on as night fell over the Neprian landscape. Ja’a directed them to a dense collection of rock formations surrounded by a few rogue trees.

  “See those formations ahead?” asked Ja’a. “Forward lookouts can post up there. We can camp under these with a single scout on the other side. Any volunteers?”

  “I’ll take the forward lookout,” said Te’o.

  “I’ll join him,” huffed Lo’n.

  “Okay, and I’ll watch the back first. Vern can come with me, too.”

  “I think he should be up front with us, Ja’a. I know you’re a great warrior but two trumps one if he does decide to get feisty,” remarked Lo’n.

  “I can handle it.”

  “I know you can. But it’s not wise.”

  “I agree with Lo’n,” interjected Po’l. “It’s logical.”

  “You and logic have met?” snapped Duke.

  “Enough,” said Ja’a. “Unnecessary, but I will yield to the group. And to logic.”

  Lo’n turned to Vernglet. “Don’t even think about trying any of your priestly trickery. I’ll behead you before you can say Orbmaster of the Orb.”

  He grabbed Vern roughly by his rope cuffs and led him to the lookout position. Te’o followed.

  “Good night.”

  “What is it, Ishiro?”

  The ninja was kneeling over the Nova Texan, peering out into the dead of the night.

  “It’s nothing. Go back to bed.”

  The mute martial artist tugged at Duke’s shoulder again and pointed. Off in the distance a faint flicker of light was losing a battle against the ominous darkness.

  “That’s just Lo’n and Te’o. You’re losing your touch. You’re better than that. Now go to bed.”

  Ishiro’shea tapped Duke again—this time with more force.

  “Hey!”

  The ninja pointed to his ear.

  “Listen to what?”

  Ishiro pressed his palms down, signaling for Duke to shut his trap.

  “Fine,” Duke said, and waited. “Nothing. You’re hearing things.”

  A subtle thud. Duke stood to attention.

  “Okay, I heard it that time. You don’t think—“ He paused. “No. Vern did set us up? It’s a trap? That means—holy hedgehogs, that means Lo’n and Te’o are in trouble.”

  Ishiro’shea started to sprint nimbly in that direction.

  “Wait! Should we tell—nope, answered my own question. We need to ambush this bastard and any friends that he might have brought along to help. They’d smell Po’l a mile away.”

  Ishiro’shea pointed to the large rock barrier behind their campsite.

  “No, I think we need to leave Ja’a out of this, too.”

  The duo ran towards the lookout position with as much stealth as they could muster. Ishiro’shea’s much better at this, thought Duke. The terrain was flat, so their path weaved from rock to rock to whatever piece of the Neprian topography would provide cover.

  “There it is again,” whispered Duke as he slunk behind an oversized boulder angled into the Neprian soil. “There might be an entire band of priesties waiting on us.”

  They continued on.

  “One more hiding spot before their camp—and it’s pretty well covered. If we need to snipe them from there, we should be fine. Let’s go.”

  The collection of stones was to the east of the scouting location. It had a slight incline that reached a pinnacle at a point almost as high as the hill where Lo’n and Te’o were camped with Vernglet Wip. It was the perfect spot for reconnaissance—super secretive reconnaissance at that. The pair crawled silently to the apex of the formation and laid belly down. They could hear the crackling fire from a torch stuck in the ground.

  “I don’t see ‘em. Too late?”

  Ishiro’shea pointed.

  “That’s... that’s Lo’n. Hey—” Duke started to scream for Lo’n’s attention but Ishiro’shea quickly covered his mouth and shoved him down. Duke mumbled unintelligibly through Ishiro’s hand. It wasn’t a particularly nice comment.

  After a few moments, the ninja and the bounty hunter rose again to survey the area. Ishiro’shea pointed at another person. On the ground.

  “Is that one of Vern’s henchmen?” Duke said softly. “Did Lo’n take him out? That would make this much easier.”

  He examined the figure more closely. “No,” he whispered to himself.

  Lo’n scanned the area, standing over the prone body. Ishiro’shea threw Duke’s head down to the surface of the rock again.

  More mumbles.

  “That can’t be,” Duke said as they hid on the downward slope of the rock. “That can’t be,” he gulped, “Te’o?”

  Ishiro’shea nodded in affirmation.

  “Lo’n was too late. They got to Te’o. We should definitely go give him backup.”

  Duke leapt to his feet at the summit of the hill. Ishiro’shea tried to stop him, but the bounty hunter was undeterred.

  “What the—Look, Ishiro.”

  Duke drew his laser revolver and rushed down the rock face. His companion followed suit, katana drawn.

  “Duke, Ishiro’shea,” Lo’n huffed as they approached. “I’m glad you’re here. As I had feared, Vernglet Wip was leading us on the entire time. This was all a ruse. His fellow priests tracked us down and attacked. They killed Te’o. I was able to fight them off and they fled. I knocked him out and was about to finish him off.”

  He pointed at Vernglet Wip’s motionless body.

  Lo’n’s saber was hoisted high in the air with his right hand. Te’o’s ax hung at his side, gripped in his left hand. The priest was slowly coming to.

  “Drop the sword.”

  “What?” the aging rebel asked, staring in confusion. “This cancerous wretch killed Te’o. Who knows how many are on their way now.”

  “None,” Duke said emphatically.

  “Excuse me?”

  “None. There aren’t any that are coming for us. At least, none directly caused by our friend Vern here.”

  “What are you talking about, Duke?”

  “Don’t play dumb. I watched you drag Vern’s body and drop it next to Te’o.”

  “Your eyes mistake you, off-worlder.”

  Ishiro’shea took a step toward Lo’n with his katana at the ready.

  “Hold, Ish. We saw you drag the body. I get it. You didn’t want to slice him into two Vernglets and have to drag the blood and entrails over here—we woulda seen through that. Po’l probably woulda seen through that.”

  “You’re wrong.”

  “Why’d you do it?”

  “Do what?” he pleaded.

  “You know what. And drop the sword.”

  Duke aimed his gun directly at the rebel’s chest. Lo’n paused, breathing deeply.

  “I can’t do that,” Lo’n said, his voice changing from confusion—or a poor performance of it—to one of cold calculation. “This guy here has to die. And then you and your friend have to die. You shouldn’t have come here, Duke. Orbius might have only imprisoned you, but
now you’ll have to be silenced.”

  “Orbius?”

  “You know so little of this land, off-worlder. Orbius is our only hope. Our savior. The only one that can control the Orb. He’j was foolish—and he paid for it. I had to make sure that he wouldn’t be in the way anymore. And now, you. You are in the way. This fruitless rebellion is in the way.”

  “Haven’t you heard the old saying about absolute power?”

  “The Orb is the absolute power—and Orbius is our buffer from its evil magic. He is our guardian.”

  “Why does a savior need to enslave people to mine for jewels and rocks?”

  “Non-believers must be punished. If they stop Orbius, our planet is doomed.”

  “He’s not very all-powerful if he’s worried about a few disorganized farmers. You honestly believe what he’s saying?”

  “I do. It’s the truth.”

  “And you know this how?”

  Slight movement came from under Lo’n’s foot. A groggy Vernglet Wip moaned and tried to roll onto his back.

  The Neprian turncoat did not answer Duke’s question.

  Lo’n lobbed his saber at Duke. Duke fired.

  CLINK!

  The sword fell to the ground; next to it, Ishiro’s katana. Lo’n crumpled to the ground on top of the wounded priest.

  “I did not see that coming,” Duke said to no one in particular. He walked over and helped Ishiro’shea move Lo’n’s body off of Vern. “Man, could really use an anthropomorphic musk ox from one of the moons of Gartosh at a time like this.”

  “What… what happened?” asked Vernglet.

  “Not really sure. But let’s just say that I’m going to be making the case that we seriously consider your navigational recommendations.”

  Vernglet stared at Te’o’s dead body. He glanced to Lo’n’s.

  “Orbius has many spies. He plays many angles.”

  “This one was a strong hand,” Duke began, “I have a feeling that this is going to be harder than I thought.”

  Ishiro’shea picked up his sword.

  “Thanks, Ishiro. I really owe you this time.”

  All three turned as a slowly accumulating rumble crept up behind them. Everyone’s awake. Duke turned to his compatriot.

  “How are we going to explain this to Ja’a?”

  Ishiro’shea’s expression offered no helpful suggestions.

  The group stampeded towards them. Ma’n led the way, presumably due the worry that if something went wrong, his lifelong friend Te’o was likely affected—and this was, of course, precisely the case. Po’l was next—his enthusiasm likely relating to blaming Duke for the entire mess. Bu’r followed. Ja’a came up last, since she had been stationed furthest away. Duke could see the dread on her face—she was probably in the process of calculating the worst possible outcomes.

  “Whoa! Same team! Same team!” shouted Duke as Po’l aimed an arrow at his nose.

  “Are we?” Po’l countered with equal force. “What happened?”

  “No, no, no,” cried Ma’n as he finally noticed Te’o’s body a few feet from where they stood. He rushed over and slid to the ground. He felt his pulse. It was very clear that Te’o had not survived the massive slash wound across his chest.

  “Ma’n,” Duke started, “it was—”

  “Shut up, off-worlder!” Po’l said, cutting him off. He stepped a few paces closer to the bounty hunter. Duke and Ishiro’shea had put away their weapons to prevent the situation from looking any worse. Bu’r scrambled over to Te’o’s body and consoled the clearly heartbroken Ma’n. Duke overheard him mentioning “Ty’n” and “honor” and “courage.”

  “What happened?” barked Po’l. “Tell me. Now.”

  “What do you think happened? Lo’n wasn’t who we thought he was.”

  “You expect us to believe that? You’re partners with him, right?” Po’l said, nodding in Vernglet’s direction. “It was an elaborate setup. This entire time.”

  “Not this again. Really?”

  “We’re to believe that Lo’n, one of our greatest warriors and comrade of He’j, is a traitor? And that he killed one of his own? You’ve lost your mind, LaGrange. Or you think we are just that stupid.”

  Duke gritted his teeth. Not going to say it.

  “Look—”

  “No, you look. You killed Lo’n. You killed Te’o.”

  Ja’a had finally arrived and stepped in front of Po’l. She signaled for him to drop his weapon. She knelt down and examined Lo’n’s body. She traced her finger to the wound. She wasn’t crying, hysterical, or even sad. She wasn’t emotional. Odd.

  She rose and locked eyes on Duke’s, cold and steely. She gave him nothing. She then walked to Te’o’s slain body and put her hand on Ma’n’s shoulder. She repeated the action with Bu’r. Her eyes fixated on the slash mark that had clearly been the death blow to her former ally. There was a sense of eeriness about the entire situation. No one moved or spoke. Ja’a walked back to stand directly between the two off-worlders and Po’l.

  “Tell me. From the beginning. Leave nothing out.”

  Po’l began to speak, but she halted his response with a simple glance. During her mediation, Ja’a was not going to suffer emotion.

  “Not now, Po’l. I want to know what happened. Or at least what Duke is going to tell us the story is. Let’s start with why you are here.”

  The bounty hunter cleared his throat and started.

  “Ishiro’shea heard something. A noise. I thought he was crazy—especially when he pointed in this direction. But then I heard it too.”

  “How did that not wake us up?” Po’l blurted out, to Ja’a’s visible dismay.

  “Let him finish. Do not interrupt again.”

  Scolded, Po’l’s face sunk in on itself. Duke enjoyed it.

  “I don’t know. It wasn’t a loud noise by any means. Just a soft thud. No screams or shouts.”

  “Go on,” said Ja’a.

  “Right. Then we both snuck over here as quietly as possible. We hid on the top of that rock over there.” Duke pointed at their recent stakeout locale. “Then we witnessed everything. Most everything.”

  “And that is?”

  “Lo’n standing over Te’o’s body. Blood dripping off his saber.”

  “That doesn’t prove anything.” It was Bu’r, still consoling Ma’n, who interjected this time. His tone was more curious than angry.

  “Like I was saying,” Duke continued, “Lo’n stood over Te’o. Then he started to walk over to Vern who was passed out—or rather, knocked out—a few paces away. Right over there. Then, what put this whole thing together was that Lo’n started dragging Vern over to Te’o’s body. Ish and I showed up just as he was about to deal the death blow—making it look like Vern did the deed.”

  “And that deed was?”

  “Vernglet’s conspirators came in and killed Ma’n before Lo’n fought them off and they fled.”

  “But why knock the priest out first?” asked Bu’r.

  “It would have been easy to tell that he killed him first and drug the body. Especially if it was a messy death.”

  “Even if this was all possible, why? Why would Lo’n risk this to kill the priest and Te’o?”

  “It was just Vern that he wanted to kill.”

  “But why?”

  Duke and Ishiro’shea looked at Vernglet and signaled for him to tell the story.

  “Because I knew Lo’n was working for Orbius.”

  “That’s it, Ja’a,” snapped Po’l. “I’ve had enough of this. I mean it this time. Lo’n going crazy and killing people, I’ll buy that. A cunning trap from this sleaze—I’m very likely to buy that. I could even give you the craziness of this weak little bastard breaking free and killing Te’o under Lo’n’s watch. But I’m not going to sit here and let you believe that Lo’n was a traitor.”

  Po’l stormed off to the rock that Duke and Ishiro’shea had recently used to spy on Lo’n.

  “Why didn’t you say anything?”<
br />
  Vern took a deep, chesty breath and retorted, “Would you have believed me?”

  “No,” Ja’a answered honestly.

  “And that’s why Lo’n wanted to leave you or kill you initially,” chimed in Bu’r. “He knew that there was a chance—albeit a slim one—that you could convince us.”

  “Right,” answered Duke.

  “This is a lot,” Ja’a began. “I don’t know what to think. No, I do know one thing. Our friend Te’o deserves a proper burial. That is not to be questioned. Let’s dig and honor him. He gave his life for the cause. Maybe in this darkest hour some clarity will present itself.”

  The entire group—sans Po’l—started to dig. Even Vernglet Wip.

  “Po’l,” shouted Ja’a. “Please come help us honor Te’o.”

  “I’m not going to dig a grave for one of our own alongside his murderers. A priest that sent countless droves of our people to their enslavement and two off-worlders that likely helped him—that’s not what Te’o would have wanted. You all taint his honor.”

  “Be reasonable.”

  “I am, Ja’a. I very much am. My time with this group is done. I’m going to follow Lo’n’s path and kill Orbius myself. I can’t stand being part of this embarrassment—this disgrace—any longer.”

  “Po’l—” Ja’a pleaded.

  “I should’ve left when we met with Mo’a, back at the base. I let you talk me into this—but not anymore. Not now.”

  He turned and walked away.

  Ja’a began to go after him but Bu’r grabbed her arm. “He made his decision.”

  “And it’s a decision that proves that I’ve failed as a leader.”

  Chapter 32

  Valley of the Grundar

  “DO YOU HAVE TO KEEP him tied up?” Duke asked Ja’a. “I mean, we are following his directions—so you have to trust him to some degree.”

  “I’m not sure that I can ever fully trust a priest. You’re new to Neprius and haven’t witnessed all that they’ve done to our people.”

  “But it was under the threat of death by Orbius.”

  “That makes no difference. They could’ve resisted. They blindly followed evil. Even if Vernglet is an outlier, it doesn’t excuse him from the monstrosities that he allowed for years. I will have a hard time trusting everything that he tells us.”