The Great Glowing Coils of the Universe

by Joseph Fink

  Without worry, you are free to be as efficient and productive as we all dream of being. We all dream every night of our jobs and of efficiency and of the deep chasm of consequence and retribution if we are not as productive as we need to be. Those recurring dreams are just one of the many ways Strexcorp is happy to fill your waking hours and your timeless sleep.

  Since we’ve consolidated all our community radio stations into one broadcast network, we no longer need ask why one town is doing what another isn’t. We can stop focusing on our differences and instead focus on our similarities, our commonalities. For instance: the future. We all share that, don’t we?

  KEVIN: We sure do!

  LAUREN: Why, hello again, Kevin! Listeners, you know Kevin. He’s the longtime host at Desert Bluffs Radio, Incorporated, and a new host here on Night Vale Community Radio, where he’ll be broadcasting full time. Welcome Kevin. It’s nice to finally have you here in this studio.

  KEVIN: Thank you, Lauren. But you know, I don’t like the adjectives “new” or “longtime.” They suggest there was a past before me. I am not new. I am now. We are all now, a now that moves forward at a constant speed and direction. Our present is always becoming the future. We all have that in common. We have the future. And that future is everything. And it is ours to share.

  I’m happy to finally be on the air with you all in Night Vale.

  LAUREN: I’m happy you’re here too, Kevin. Things have been so good lately, haven’t they? We caught the teenage felon who’s been terrorizing the town. We got our helicopters back. We brought you here. All those terrible doors that appeared a couple weeks ago have suddenly disappeared and no one can see the lies inside them anymore. And your producer, Daniel, tells me that just a few days ago we arrested a group of five people in lab coats who had been loitering about and trespassing on Cynthia Cabrera’s house in the Desert Creek development.

  KEVIN: How scary. Well, that is good news.

  LAUREN: Yes. Great news. Or almost great. There is one scientist we expected to find there and we did not find him. He has such perfect hair. Think of what would happen if he had agreed to add that perfect hair and those perfect teeth into our resources. It just makes you want to spit wh— I’m sorry. Such a vulgar word. Let me try that again. It just makes you want to . . . not smile—to not smile hard at all—when people work against productivity that way. Ah well, we’ll find him soon enough. We find everyone we look for. We’re just fantastic at our jobs.

  KEVIN: It feels good to have a crime-free tomorrow, doesn’t it? It makes any crimes that happen today feel justified.

  Well, Lauren, let’s start things off with news about . . . Strexcorp!

  LAUREN: Oh, yay!

  KEVIN: In an act that is just super benevolent, Strex is giving all workers a day off today for a company picnic.

  LAUREN: Wow, Kevin!

  KEVIN: You’re right, “wow,” Lauren. The company picnic is being held in Mission Grove Park. So head over there right now everybody and look for the balloons and banners. You have to go there now. Stop what you are doing and go to the park. Follow any signs you see and any spoken directives from the uniformed Strexcorp Picnic Captains. They’re there to make sure you have a good time and that you don’t leave the picnic early. It would be a real shame to leave early from such a welcoming and mandatory picnic. Head on over right now. Do it. Do it now.

  And now, the community calendar.

  Tuesday is Work Day. All Stexcorp-owned homes and businesses, which is to say all homes and businesses, should work all day in their most productive and enthusiastic way. Work is how we all become better people. You do want to become a better person, right? You want to be valued? You want to have value? You want your value, numerically speaking, to increase? Then work. It’s Work Day.

  Wednesday is Work Day. Keep working, Strexcorp employees. Don’t stop!

  Thursday through Sunday are also Work Days. Wow, what an exciting and productive week we have coming up here in the Greater Desert Bluffs Metropolitan Area!

  Monday is a lie that someone once told you in order to poison you against the idea of starting your workweek. Who told you this lie? Point them out to us, and we’ll make sure that they don’t tell you any more lies. Isn’t that nice? Just honest folks dealing honestly with other honest folks. Just point out the liar and denounce them.

  This has been the community calendar.

  Well, the company picnic in Mission Grove is in full swing. Everyone is exposing their teeth and moving their arms. There are signs posted showing how to move your face and body to indicate maximum fun. There are also snacks. They are on the picnic tables with the paper tablecloths, next to the Strexcorp Picnic Captains. Don’t worry about the friendly officers. Grab a cupcake. You’ve earned it! If you’ve done enough work hours, you’ve earned it! If you haven’t earned however many snacks you take, the Picnic Captains will let you know.

  LAUREN: Unfortunately it’s not all good news, Kevin.

  KEVIN: Oh no?

  LAUREN: It seems there have been some party poopers who haven’t made it to the picnic yet or who have tried to leave early. But that’s okay! Strexcorp threw this party as a treat for their hardworking employees and also so that they could learn who the party poopers were.

  We know the party poopers now, and we’re playfully letting them know that they are party poopers. We are putting heavy stone hats on them that say “Party Pooper” until they are agreeable. It’s important to work hard, but it’s also important to play hard. But mostly it’s important to work hard.

  KEVIN: It’s very important to work hard.

  LAUREN: It sure is!

  KEVIN: So important. More important than life itself.

  LAUREN: [Quietly] It sure is.

  KEVIN: We have gotten some questions about this, and yes, of course, the Night Vale mayoral election is still a go for a month from now. It turns out that there’s no way to stop it once it starts. All the machines and the pulsing in Hidden Gorge. There’s just no way to turn that off without having an election, so we’re proud to say we’re upholding democracy by having that election no matter what. Both candidates, Hiram McDaniels and the Faceless Old Woman Who Secretly Lives in Your Home, released a statement through Strexcorp saying, “We couldn’t care less who wins. The important thing is that Night Vale is well served in its relationship with the Greater Desert Bluffs Metropolitan Area business community. This is the key to economic prosperity, and a future that is in harmony with a smiling god.”

  LAUREN: I couldn’t agree more! I just want to vote for both of them.

  KEVIN: Me too! But you can’t. It’s very illegal. Do not try, or the lawbreaking will be dealt with.

  And now a word from our sponsors. Lauren?

  LAUREN: Thanks, Kev. Can I call you Kev?

  KEVIN: Haha. No Lauren, by no means.

  LAUREN: Thanks, Kevin. Today’s sponsor is . . . oh my, looks like it happens to be Strexcorp. Strexcorp. Like dew from the sky. Like a cloud that dissipates only to come again as other clouds. Like the sun. Like a hate-filled thought that you fail to suppress. Like biting down on a fistful of sand. Like words that once held meaning. Like the sun. Like an enemy hiding in the depths of your own body. Like the enemy that is your own body. Like a thought you wish you could have but don’t. Like a smiling god. Like the sun. Strexcorp. Go to sleep.

  KEVIN: Wow, that was catchy. You know, every time I hear the start of one of those ads I just can’t help but hum the rest.

  LAUREN: None of us can help that. None of us have been able to for years.

  And now traffic.

  KEVIN: That’s right Lauren.

  It’s slow-and-go around the Company Picnic, as it should be. Lots of people crowded in there, surrounded by streamers and balloons and volleyball nets that should not be touched or climbed. The Company Picnic is where everyone should be. Plus! Strexcorp has announced—how exciting is this?—they’ve announced that the Company Picnic will be continuing on indefinitely, that the party is so
good that they just couldn’t bring themselves to end it. So everyone will live at the Company Picnic now, in between the streamers and the balloons and the tall, electrified, metal volleyball nets. They will work there too. They will work there until all the work is done. Until it is, all of this, finished. Then we will truly have been productive. Then truly, we will have worked hard and played hard.

  This has been traffic.

  You know, Lauren, the equipment in this studio is so old-fashioned. I hardly know how to use any of it. Nothing like the high-tech equipment we have back home in Desert Bluffs. But there are many reasons we have to do our broadcasting from here.

  LAUREN: It sends a message.

  KEVIN: It sure does. It sends several fun messages for everyone to enjoy. Anyway, the boys in Sales, who are all named Shawn, came by and with their help I was able to make this studio feel a little more like home. They put up a bit of a fuss about the changes, but that’s just because no one likes change. There are some people who don’t understand progress, you know.

  LAUREN: I’ll miss the Shawns.

  KEVIN: I’ll miss them too, but look how much nicer this place looks. You can see the Shawns’ contributions all over the desk.

  LAUREN: And running down the walls. Yes, SO much nicer.

  KEVIN: And now, listeners, a deep rumbling sound, like a giant dragging its prone, misshapen body across baked, waterless earth.

  [Deep, rumbling sound]

  That’s my favorite mandatory part of the daily broadcast. I don’t know what it means. It’s so fun!

  LAUREN: Hate to break in there, Kevin, but we’re getting reports that there’s another fuss down at the picnic.

  KEVIN: It looks like you’re right, Lauren. Seems like the party is really taking off, doesn’t it? Streamers and cupcakes everywhere. People are touching the volleyball nets, which they should not do, but they’re learning. Or not them, other people watching them are learning. Wow, folks down here sure get wild at picnics. The helpful Strexcorp Picnic Overseer is explaining to them with bullhorns the best way to express their picnic joy, so the fuss should end pretty soon.

  LAUREN: Yes, the overseer is explaining to them. They are on the ground with their hands over their ears so that they can hear him better. Their mouths are open. No one has ever seen smiles quite like that. What an interesting way to smile! Their legs are kicking too, like they’re still trying to dance.

  KEVIN: Oh my. Well, there’s no music you fantastic, silly people. There’s just an overseer explaining how parties work, and how work is the best party of all. You don’t need to wriggle about like that.

  LAUREN: You’re certainly right. There is no music at all. But, Kevin, do you know what there is?

  KEVIN: What is there, Lauren?

  LAUREN: Kevin, and all listeners out there, at the company picnic or illegally huddled in pitiful hiding spots that will be ferreted out, let’s go now to . . . the weather.

  WEATHER: “Stupid” by Brendan Maclean

  KEVIN: Here we are. The weather has passed, and we all know that the end of the broadcast is nearing. But don’t worry. There will be another after, and another after that, and on and on. We aren’t going anywhere.

  The company picnic is settling down into the pleasant work party it was always meant to be. Those who had been wriggling around and smiling so oddly are now sitting cross-legged on the ground, happily at work. They will stay at the Company Picnic now. Everyone will. We will all be working from the company picnic so that everything can be organized and there will be no problems.

  Listen, we are not completely unaware. We know that there has been some tension. Certain events that everyone regrets, although some regret them more than others. But we also know that nothing removes tension between rival towns quite like a picnic, a smile, and a song. Sing louder. Louder. Good.

  There is a bright future ahead of us. It is so bright, blindingly bright. It is a future so filled with painful light that we have no choice but to close our eyes and walk serenely forward. And so don’t worry about where you have come from. Don’t worry about where you are going. Worry only about where your feet land in the now.

  Where are you standing, and how much work are you getting done where you are standing? What value are you adding to the world? What are you worth? Those are the questions you should ask yourself. And don’t worry if you forget to ask yourself. There will be people with clipboards who will come by soon to ask them for you.

  That’s all for today. Stay tuned next for bountiful blessings from a smiling god.

  And so, from me, Kevin.

  LAUREN: And from Lauren here in the booth.

  KEVIN: As always, until next time, Greater Desert Bluffs Metropolitan Area. Until next time.

  PROVERB: There’s a difference between you’re, your, and yarn. Yarn isn’t even pronounced the same way. It’s a completely different word.

  EPISODE 48:

  “RENOVATIONS”

  JUNE 2, 2014

  GUEST VOICES: KEVIN R. FREE AND LAUREN SHARPE

  DOOMED FLOATING CATS?

  Framed pictures of teeth?

  Angels exist? AND THEY’RE DANGEROUS??

  Shit was getting real. Lauren and Kevin had taken over the Night Vale studio. I was getting Tumblr messages about how awful I was. I had been upgraded from just creepy.

  Cool, whatever.

  Kevin = the eyeless face of Evil. I had to face it. Even if Lauren was more evil, Kevin was in cahoots with her. FUN!

  But this was the episode, as a listener—as a fan—where I realized that Cecil Palmer is a hero, a true champion of the weird. In this episode, Cecil Palmer was brave, and he encouraged Night Vale’s listeners to be brave: “We must be the heroes we look for in others.” Forget the genius of the scene between Lauren and Kevin about the renovations—or, rather, don’t forget it. Without the breezy malevolence of the Strexcorp puppets, we wouldn’t be able to queasily appreciate Cecil’s description of the terrors of the Company Picnic. And never mind the suspense Jeffrey and Joseph create leading up to “He is holding a cat,” which is just—HOLY SHIT! NEVER MIND THAT BECAUSE YES IT IS AMAZING. But then—THEN we get to Cecil’s words to Night Vale about standing up for themselves so that they can BE THEMSELVES. I had never been so excited about a “Be Yourself” message in my life. But, in the moment I read it, it was real. Mighty real.

  It was recording this episode that I realized, no matter how much I love playing Kevin of Desert Bluffs, Kevin R. Free stands with Night Vale.

  —Kevin R. Free, Voice of Strexcorp’s Kevin

  KEVIN: True beauty is on the inside, where everything is red and glistening and full of practical organs and sharp rocks.

  WELCOME TO THE GREATER DESERT BLUFFS METROPOLITAN AREA.

  Hello, listeners. You look nice today. This is an assumption, but it is a safe assumption. I am positive you look nice. Yes, a very safe assumption. Probably the safest of the many, many assumptions I’ll make today.

  LAUREN: It’s a very good day, Kevin. The Company Picnic is still going strong. It’s been over two weeks and every resident of Night Vale—

  KEVIN: —and by extension, every employee of Strexcorp—

  LAUREN: —has been enjoying our First Annual Company Picnic of Indeterminate Length.

  KEVIN: So many fun activities, Lauren, nobody wants to leave.

  LAUREN: Nobody can leave.

  KEVIN: But they wouldn’t want to.

  LAUREN: Oh, absolutely not. Not with all the fun activities, like work . . .

  KEVIN: [After a beat] Yes.

  LAUREN: But there’s even more exciting news, we are renovating this old radio station. We redecorated the studio a couple weeks back, but now that we have so many new Strexcorp employees arriving each week, we wanted to create a welcoming, work-friendly office for them.

  KEVIN: Right, it’s always exciting to get a new job, to take on a new career. You know that thrilling moment, after all the résumés and letters and interviews. That moment when one day a van pull
s up next to you, say, just outside your favorite ice cream store, or on the sidewalk outside your girlfriend’s house, and you are blindfolded and sedated and lightly beaten and driven around in seemingly random directions and then after breaking down spiritually, hurled upon the concrete front steps of your new office, ready to start your new career! This is an exciting moment in anyone’s professional life.

  LAUREN: And here at Strexcorp we want that excitement to continue. So we’re remodeling and redecorating this old building. We’ve added some new sales offices, a Room of Questioning complete with fun steel chairs and executive restraints, and lots of wonderful framed paintings of human teeth. We’re even completely redoing the bathrooms.

  KEVIN: Which reminds me, there are some stray cats floating at various heights in the men’s room here at the station. They look to be about a year old. If you want them, come get them before the demolition crew arrives this afternoon.

  LAUREN: Good point. I’ll send our producer, Daniel, in there to take some pictures of the little guys. We’ll post them to the website, and listeners can figure out which ones they want to take and then come get them.

  KEVIN: Unfortunately, everyone’s having too much fun at the Company Picnic. I doubt anyone will have any time or the physical ability to leave the picnic and adopt a stray floating cat.

  LAUREN: Oh, too bad. Well, I’ll have Daniel post the photos anyway, just so you can all see what you’re missing.

  KEVIN: And now a word from our sponsors.

  LAUREN: Thanks, Kevin. Listeners, are you cold? Just a little bit? Feel a thin chill on your skin?

  KEVIN: Maybe you’ve wrapped your arms over each other, and you’re rubbing them softly but vigorously.